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Handling the aftermath - update on hubby's EA.


travelgirl

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My story is under my profile somewhere but for a quick backflash. Hubby was having an EA with a coworker of his. After recent miscarriages and my mom suddenly passing, I was completely blind to it because I checked out of the marriage and preferred to be depressed. Confronted the situation in late Sept after seeing texts/emails and after he did not stop 100% while I was working on improving myself and the marriage, I kicked him out right after Halloween. He was in full EA fog/withdrawal and Plan B was my only option at that point. He called and set up MC and we started MC in mid Nov and he moved back in the day before Thanksgiving after he fired her and had no contact with her and MC recommend that he did to start rebuilding. I really haven't update much since then.

 

So my update....

 

We have been going to MC bi weekly, I am seeing an IC and so is he. We BOTH have opened up tremendously and although the beginning it was very hard, I have found it much easier to move forward with him. She did call him 2 times in December, both times he told me, one was to complain about an ex boyfriend of hers and another was to ask if she can come to company christmas party. He said no. She called him with a block caller ID, he didn't answer even though he didn't know who it was so then she texted him "Happy Birthday and you should answer blocked calls" on his birthday. He also showed it to me and then texted her back not to contact him anymore. I found out his passcodes into his work cell phone bill thru an email a few months back (he owns the company) and he doesn't know that I can check this online whenever I want. I did verify that he is not calling or receiving calls from her except for what he told me. I feel guilty for going behind his back but felt that I would feel more secure then asking for passcodes and thinking he would find another means to contact her. Does that make sense?

 

Anyway, December progressed well but there were times I was feeling like I didn't want him back once I saw how much he wanted me back. I guess it was just the anger kicking in after the fear of losing him subsided. I really had to bite my tongue a few times but there were many times I didn't. He listened to it all over and over again and I have to say was more patient then I ever thought he could be. It was like I was testing him. After MC one day before Christmas, he broke down in the car and said he was so ashamed of what he did and when he looks back on it, it makes him sick that not only did he do it but that he wasn't there for me during some trying times in my life. That he just let me get depressed and did nothing about it. It was the first time complete remorse came out of him for no reason but just to tell me and show me. Most of the time, it is me bringing it up and then him feeling and saying sorry. It really was a big day in my eyes.

 

We had a good holiday as a family and H surprised me with a trip without our daughter for our anniversary. It was completely spontaneous, romantic and a lot of fun. It was nice to get away for 4 days and start the new year fresh. He has continued to make constant improvements in his personal and professional life and I too have opened up more instead of shutting him out. We honestly haven't been this good, open, loving and considerate since our 7 year old was a baby.

 

We are definitely a work in progress and I am keeping my eyes open but it is hard not to let go and give him my all. His patience and honestly has done wonders for my previously crushed heart. I know I pushed him away but it doesn't and will never justify the betrayal that he did - that all said, a part of me feels that maybe we wouldn't have gotten back to the way we are now unless something made us. I know that is crazy to say but I know how stubborn and persistent we both can be and I see many of my friends and family in run-of-the-mill, stale, complaining and dishonest marriages and wonder if that would have been us unless someone woke up. Don't like how we were woken up but then again, who knows what it would have taken, if anything?

 

Anyway, I wanted to update everyone and thank you all for the bottom of my heart for helping me during a horrible time in my life. This forum has been a complete blessing for me. I know many marriages do not survive any kind of infidelity even if it wasn't a physical affair but I am truly hoping ours does. I know many people here are jaded on trusting someone again but I hope our story is one of the rare ones that does succeeds.

 

Thanks for listening.... and I will definitely be sticking around. My goal is to be as wise as OWL is. :laugh:

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I am sooo happy to hear all of this. My heart broke for you when you first came here, because your situation had so many similarities to me own (don't they all)...and because like you, I chose to give him another chance. If I remember correctly we posted a bit about being the marriage police. If it helps at all, I also have access (more than H is aware of) and it has been 1.5 years - I rarely check anything anymore and feel the need to even less than that. So, its not forever.

 

Recovery and forgiveness have issues all their own and I am dealing with some of them - but feeling pretty happy, pretty good, as usually pretty solid.

 

I love that you posted! Come and go as you feel the need.

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Yes, I definitely became the marriage police. I was always one step ahead of my husband. I always had good common sense so figuring things out while I played dumb worked well in me earning his trust back. He could have easily not told me about the few small phone calls and the text on his birthday but he did. I was annoyed OW even attempted to manipulate him because she never really wanted him to begin with. It was a game. She wanted him to want her and I think it bothered her that he decided he didn't.

 

I came close to contacting her again to tell her I know everything and stay the F away but I didn't want to add drama. I wanted to take the high road and let H deal with it. She hasn't contacted him since his birthday.

 

Thanks for your response. Glad things are working out for you as well :D

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I know many marriages do not survive any kind of infidelity even if it wasn't a physical affair but I am truly hoping ours does. I know many people here are jaded on trusting someone again but I hope our story is one of the rare ones that does succeeds.

 

Thanks for listening.... and I will definitely be sticking around. My goal is to be as wise as OWL is. :laugh:

travelgirl, i am glad you could see the remorse in your husband. To me, like you said, that is very different from the normal 1500 sorries/apologies.

 

When it comes to your marriage, i would NOT go by the statistics. They dont mean anything to me. Each affair is unique in a way - how you handle it. I feel that you are learning at every stage and making decisions all the time no matter how small they are. Yes it may not work out marriage wise, but who knows, you may actually come out of this so much stronger and with other options if you do it right.

 

I feel that times like this provide the BS the greatest opportunity to step up and work on themselves, their relationships (not just with their spouses) and many other things.

 

I also started to feel the same way - no longer have the fear of loosing my partner - which i think is essential in building your self-respect, confidence.

 

I think you are doing great.

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Thanks 65tr6,

 

I appreciate the kind words. I have found a better self in me. I started to realize not to take life for granted anymore and just be content with the status quo. Our MC was very impressed with both of us yesterday. We had a great session. We are still going to go but for the first time, we both sat down yesterday and didn't have anything negative to say to one another. It was nice to talk about positive things and the future instead of hurt and the past.

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Travelgirl -

 

I wanted to relate something to you that was recent and a surprise to me when it happened.

 

Just before XMas, I had this total relapse into feeling untrusting , insecure, paranoid, angry at husband (been 1.5 yrs). Based on nothing except perhaps general holiday anxiety.

 

It took a lot of soul searching and some posts on here for me to realize -

 

I have come to the point of trusting my husband in my heart.

AND I was afraid to let go of my mistrust.

 

I have not described it well - but now that Ive recognized it, we are working thru it.

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