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Long introduction, don't know where to start (reposted)


TearzShed

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I am a 30 year old wife and mother to twins. I have been lurking here a bit and decided to post because I am not healing properly and I don't know what else to do. Forgive my initial post, because it is going to be very long.

 

In early March, I found out that my husband cheated with the wife of a couple we were "best friends" with. Apparently, this affair had been going on for a year or so, while the wife's husband was deployed. During their affair, we became pregnant with the twins. I am still angry that my children could have been physically hurt by their screwing around, forget myself. This is one of many things I am still angry about.

 

Since then, life has spiraled out of control. I decided to leave with the kids (left in July) and come home to where my family is, which is about 2300 miles away, because I was (am still) obsessed with harming the OW, or at least knowing that her life is as much as a living hell as mine is. My scapegoat for leaving was my husband having military training, and my needing help with the kids. These factors were just cause, but my main reason was these feelings I was/am having. I was afraid I would see her out and about in the small town we lived in and I would punch the s*** out of her and drop her right in her path. I had to remove myself from the situation. I eventually told my husband this. Needless to say, he didn't like hearing what I told him.

 

My husband and I are still married. We have had a slew of issues...We've talked about divorce, but neither one of us have stepped forward to file. It is a very frightening experience for me, because I am generally a peaceful person, and these feelings are really damaging my soul. I used the EAP program through my employer, I went to counseling, I went to church (though not religious at all). I seem to be unable to shake these feelings.

 

In addition, my physical health has suffered. I gained 65 lbs while pregnant, lost all of it plus an additional 15 which I did not want to lose. I hide outside and smoke cigarettes because the children and I are living with my father, and I just can't stand to hear the criticism of my habits, though I know I need to quit and ASAP. I am severely addicted to caffeine. I won't drink alcohol because I know that will spiral out of control. In addition, after I found out, I was physically ill for about a month, and lost more weight, which I haven't been able to regain.

 

When I left, I left behind a good job. However, I am starting a new job, Monday, after months of searching and stressing, and is better than the last job as far as compensation and benefits. I am looking to save and buy a home and vehicle.

 

I have slept with 3 men since coming home, none of them worth the time; they were just something to do. They seemed to be genuinely interested in me, but I abused them. I am also starting to see I have self-abuse issues, with the caffeine, cigarettes and promiscuity. I am talking to another man right now, that I haven't slept with, and am considering cutting him off because he's nice and I don't want him to be a victim of my weirdness.

 

In addition to all of this, my father does not want me to have a social life, meaning visiting my other family members, going out for me time, etc. He was out of the country for a while, so I had some sort of independence and was able to establish a schedule and a meager social life with my family, but since he has returned, I have been in this house, day after day. I am starting to feel that I am in jail, and that I am receiving some Karma due to me.

 

I really feel like I am losing it most of the time.

 

I am thinking about going to counseling again, because I am still crying every night. I can barely function in the daytime with the kids because I sleep erratically. I am very afraid of antidepressants because of my self-abusive behaviors.

 

Basically, I don't know what to do. I am glad to have a job to escape the thoughts consuming me, and escape this house. Work has always been my escape, but I don't know what to do after those eight hours...Any suggestions/advice are welcome. I am thankful I found this board, and TIA for all responses.

 

Tearz

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I really think you need to continue going to counseling. Your betrayal is double so I can understand why you are so torn up but you need to pull yourself together for your children. Also. try to figure out whether or not you want to stay married and if the answer is yes then go to MC. If the answer is no then I think everyone will understand. If you choose to stay married then you and your H need to be completely honest with each other; this means you need to tell him about all of your bad habits smoking, illness, and the other men. Im real sorry you are going through this but get some counseling and I think you will get through this. Good luck

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Bless your heart, Tearz, you have certainly been through the ringer!! You have my admiration. In spite of all the horrible things that have happened to you, you have taken sound and rational steps to pick yourself up and take care of your kids. You are already doing everything you can to move forward.

 

Maybe just a little adjustment in your outlook might help. For example, it was a blessing that you at least had a safe place to land (your father's house) and that it was far away so that you could completely and immediately remove yourself and your children from the awful situation that your H created.

 

And this is only a temporary situation, for today. It's not like it's going to be this way forever. You're getting ready to start a new job, and you're working toward getting your own place. That act alone will be a huge leap forward. Just focus on that goal.

 

As far as your H, let him sweat it out. You don't have to make ANY decisions about anything right now. Take it at your own pace.

 

Your children are lucky to have you.

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pelicanpreacher

Speaking of your husband, have you had any communication from him since you left? He has to have seen through the ruse you played to leave by now and may be seeking legal recourse to bring those children back. Also, now that he's been on his own for a while do you think that he has resumed his affair with the OW? You need to rationally consider the logistics of your decisions or you might get an unpleasant surprise should your husband pre-emptively serve you with divorce papers.

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You have got a really good heart that ,

first of all you left instead of destroying her (her*),

secondly you do not want to hurt a nice person you have met recently .

 

 

All you need is TIME . A Period of time which will help you to come over all,to calm down ,forget and start your new life ...

 

 

Your husband is not worth to be back to .

Your kids need you healthy and happy .

And you need your self back to Your Self .

 

 

So just go to your new job and make a change in life .

Best of luck to you !

And remember ,you are not the first or the last in this,

but you may be Unique in overcoming it .

I wish you to win .

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I really think you need to continue going to counseling. Your betrayal is double so I can understand why you are so torn up but you need to pull yourself together for your children. Also. try to figure out whether or not you want to stay married and if the answer is yes then go to MC. If the answer is no then I think everyone will understand. If you choose to stay married then you and your H need to be completely honest with each other; this means you need to tell him about all of your bad habits smoking, illness, and the other men. Im real sorry you are going through this but get some counseling and I think you will get through this. Good luck

 

Thanks. Husband knows about my smoking and caffeine; I have a feeling he knows about the men. I quit smoking for a long time, but relapsed and badly after all of this drama. He's always mentioning I am trying to find a replacement for him. He knows I was sick also. I did stay there for about 6 months after everything went down, so he watched me go downhill.

 

I agree I do need to pull myself together.

 

Bless your heart, Tearz, you have certainly been through the ringer!! You have my admiration. In spite of all the horrible things that have happened to you, you have taken sound and rational steps to pick yourself up and take care of your kids. You are already doing everything you can to move forward.

 

Maybe just a little adjustment in your outlook might help. For example, it was a blessing that you at least had a safe place to land (your father's house) and that it was far away so that you could completely and immediately remove yourself and your children from the awful situation that your H created.

 

And this is only a temporary situation, for today. It's not like it's going to be this way forever. You're getting ready to start a new job, and you're working toward getting your own place. That act alone will be a huge leap forward. Just focus on that goal.

 

As far as your H, let him sweat it out. You don't have to make ANY decisions about anything right now. Take it at your own pace.

 

Your children are lucky to have you.

 

Oh, and one more thing I forgot to add - in my book, you can sleep with whoever you damn well please!

 

Thank you! You are absolutely correct about my outlook. I really am trying to remain positive living here. I guess my main issue is being used to independence, then all of a sudden being in a situation where it seems I don't have control over much.

 

I don't feel bad about sleeping with these men, very neutral if anything. Monogamy has become a big joke in my eyes.

 

Speaking of your husband, have you had any communication from him since you left? He has to have seen through the ruse you played to leave by now and may be seeking legal recourse to bring those children back. Also, now that he's been on his own for a while do you think that he has resumed his affair with the OW? You need to rationally consider the logistics of your decisions or you might get an unpleasant surprise should your husband pre-emptively serve you with divorce papers.

 

We talk regularly. He didn't even want the kids to begin with (part of our slew of problems) and apparently he is having a ball without having to deal with them on a consistent basis. He says he hasn't been with this woman, but if he has, most of me doesn't care. Very sad of me to say, but I expect the worst from him at all times.

 

As I've mentioned, we've talked about divorce. I am trying to not make a hurried decision, and he says he is doing the same.

 

You have got a really good heart that ,

first of all you left instead of destroying her (her*),

secondly you do not want to hurt a nice person you have met recently .

 

 

All you need is TIME . A Period of time which will help you to come over all,to calm down ,forget and start your new life ...

 

 

Your husband is not worth to be back to .

Your kids need you healthy and happy .

And you need your self back to Your Self .

 

 

So just go to your new job and make a change in life .

Best of luck to you !

And remember ,you are not the first or the last in this,

but you may be Unique in overcoming it .

I wish you to win .

 

Thank you! Sometimes I feel like I am an evil person, because of these thoughts I am having.

 

I plan on moving forward with the job, and also pursuing a Master's Degree. I am just so tired of being so angry, and not enjoying my life.

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pelicanpreacher

Okay, so in your conversations he's not expressed an interest in your returning to him and has openly shown disinterest in the children he sired. A hasty decision isn't hasty enough. The fact is that you simply chose the wrong horse for your husband is lame. Seek legal council and have him served immediately while, at the same time, securing child support for he may be laying pipe and sprouting children elsewhere as we speak which would jeopardize the position of your children to obtain maximum child support by the time you file. It's time to beat this guy to the punch and put everything about him in your rearview except for the money he's obligated to fork over every month for the next umpteen years.

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Okay, so in your conversations he's not expressed an interest in your returning to him and has openly shown disinterest in the children he sired. A hasty decision isn't hasty enough. The fact is that you simply chose the wrong horse for your husband is lame. Seek legal council and have him served immediately while, at the same time, securing child support for he may be laying pipe and sprouting children elsewhere as we speak which would jeopardize the position of your children to obtain maximum child support by the time you file. It's time to beat this guy to the punch and put everything about him in your rearview except for the money he's obligated to fork over every month for the next umpteen years.

 

 

He has expressed interest in staying together.

 

I don't know if that interest is genuine, but I think a lot of this is me being cynical and paranoid.

 

I also want to say that by no means am I perfect. I hid lots of things from him too. I didn't cheat on my husband until well after I found out what he did.

 

How do I really know that this type decision is not hasty enough? I am really concerned that I am over-reacting. I really do not want to rush a life-changing decision such as this.

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pelicanpreacher

Let's see...Your husband conducted an illicit affair with a friend and soldier's wife while her husband was deployed in Iraq. Let me ask you, would you have been so lonely or anxious about your husband's deployment that you'd break down and enter an affair with her's or anybody else's husband?

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YOU sound SOOOOO intelligent it's such a waste for you to throw it all away!

 

You are angry, with your husband and the woman's affair, you feel demoralised, almost like you MUST be that bad, am I assuming correctly? You feel you have been done wrong.

 

See if this helps, YOU ARE WRONG, the problem is HIS, NOT YOURS! There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are smart, intelligent, hard working, mother who feels responsible towards the children, anything else that you may perform less than what I've just mentioned, it is because YOU are allowing yourself to be subject to someone else's problem, to all the negative things!

 

You also have the wrong target/victim to punch, your husband had been the one to blame mostly, he should've known better. But, that's not important, and he IS, after all, the kids' children, so you must remember to respect that and be at least civil with him.

 

I am glad you are at least seeing (or "sleeping"!) with other men by now. But, yes, sleeping with them for the wrong reason is not such a great idea though.

 

You need to have your daily life arrangement sorted out with your father. He would be unreasonable not to let you have a social life ... unless, he is trying to prevent you from "sleeping around"? Could that be it? And if so, I'm sure, once you decide to and put into action change your lifestyle and attitude, he will/should be more reasonable.

 

You have not spoken much about your relationship with or how you are managing your kids. Surely, this is important and must be an extra "obstacle" in having your "me" time ?

 

The "natural" or typical advice would be this :

 

1. Try to stop being angry or hateful anymore. It's not anyone's fault but life (this may sound shallow and annoying, but this is how you can move on!) And that, better things will come, provided you work for them. I promise!

 

2 Appreciate yourself again - look after your health, your looks, your children!

 

3. Channel your focus and energy on your work, your family members (incl. the kids), your "meaningful" social life, (and by that, meaning, in a way self-respecting and respectful to others)

 

4. Accept your husband as someone you once loved, and as the children's father, REGARDLESS of how and why the children happened etc. (they are now separate inviduals that are independent of the life between you and your husband before they were born ... only YOU mind the past, they will NOT mind if you make it easy)

 

Take control of your own life and whatever lies ahead would really be WHAT you would make it all YOURSELF. And it CAN be done, if you persevere. Whenever you might fail, just PUSH yourself to get up again. You know your are much more worthy than wasting yourself away on substance or history that is now irrelevant.

 

If getting back together with your husband is what you think would help you, work towards that. But if a divorce would give you a clean break and fresh start, expedite that too.

 

I hate to see a good person wasted. Hope you will find peace.

 

If you see my own thread, you would know that you probably would "hate" me/my type. But, life is full of the unexpected, and, we just have to accept that everything happens for a reason, so WE have to give ourselves that "reason" to move forward, to ensure what we would like to happen WILL happen!

I am a 30 year old wife and mother to twins. I have been lurking here a bit and decided to post because I am not healing properly and I don't know what else to do. Forgive my initial post, because it is going to be very long.

 

In early March, I found out that my husband cheated with the wife of a couple we were "best friends" with. Apparently, this affair had been going on for a year or so, while the wife's husband was deployed. During their affair, we became pregnant with the twins. I am still angry that my children could have been physically hurt by their screwing around, forget myself. This is one of many things I am still angry about.

 

Since then, life has spiraled out of control. I decided to leave with the kids (left in July) and come home to where my family is, which is about 2300 miles away, because I was (am still) obsessed with harming the OW, or at least knowing that her life is as much as a living hell as mine is. My scapegoat for leaving was my husband having military training, and my needing help with the kids. These factors were just cause, but my main reason was these feelings I was/am having. I was afraid I would see her out and about in the small town we lived in and I would punch the s*** out of her and drop her right in her path. I had to remove myself from the situation. I eventually told my husband this. Needless to say, he didn't like hearing what I told him.

 

My husband and I are still married. We have had a slew of issues...We've talked about divorce, but neither one of us have stepped forward to file. It is a very frightening experience for me, because I am generally a peaceful person, and these feelings are really damaging my soul. I used the EAP program through my employer, I went to counseling, I went to church (though not religious at all). I seem to be unable to shake these feelings.

 

In addition, my physical health has suffered. I gained 65 lbs while pregnant, lost all of it plus an additional 15 which I did not want to lose. I hide outside and smoke cigarettes because the children and I are living with my father, and I just can't stand to hear the criticism of my habits, though I know I need to quit and ASAP. I am severely addicted to caffeine. I won't drink alcohol because I know that will spiral out of control. In addition, after I found out, I was physically ill for about a month, and lost more weight, which I haven't been able to regain.

 

When I left, I left behind a good job. However, I am starting a new job, Monday, after months of searching and stressing, and is better than the last job as far as compensation and benefits. I am looking to save and buy a home and vehicle.

 

I have slept with 3 men since coming home, none of them worth the time; they were just something to do. They seemed to be genuinely interested in me, but I abused them. I am also starting to see I have self-abuse issues, with the caffeine, cigarettes and promiscuity. I am talking to another man right now, that I haven't slept with, and am considering cutting him off because he's nice and I don't want him to be a victim of my weirdness.

 

In addition to all of this, my father does not want me to have a social life, meaning visiting my other family members, going out for me time, etc. He was out of the country for a while, so I had some sort of independence and was able to establish a schedule and a meager social life with my family, but since he has returned, I have been in this house, day after day. I am starting to feel that I am in jail, and that I am receiving some Karma due to me.

 

I really feel like I am losing it most of the time.

 

I am thinking about going to counseling again, because I am still crying every night. I can barely function in the daytime with the kids because I sleep erratically. I am very afraid of antidepressants because of my self-abusive behaviors.

 

Basically, I don't know what to do. I am glad to have a job to escape the thoughts consuming me, and escape this house. Work has always been my escape, but I don't know what to do after those eight hours...Any suggestions/advice are welcome. I am thankful I found this board, and TIA for all responses.

 

Tearz

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I think you just need to find someone to confide in; sister, mother, or friend. Also, I disagree with people who say do whatever you want(sleep with whoever); 10 years from now you are going to have to look back on how you are acting now. Hold yourself in higher regard. You might want to speak to an attorney just so you can be prepared for the worse.

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Let's see...Your husband conducted an illicit affair with a friend and soldier's wife while her husband was deployed in Iraq. Let me ask you, would you have been so lonely or anxious about your husband's deployment that you'd break down and enter an affair with her's or anybody else's husband?

 

 

Well, I've been through deployments before, and never considered the thought. But that's the type of person I am (or was anyway). I withdraw when I'm anxious anyway.

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pelicanpreacher

And yet your perspective has changed since D-day with the advent of the 3 liasons you engaged in, correct? Although you label them as meaningless they should tell you that you are not the same girl you were when you got married for in experiencing variety in sexual escapades are you still thinking that you really want to go back to an exclusive relationship with your husband? And if you do attempt to reconcile are you going to divulge everything to your husband? And what about your new job with pays better and offers better compensation? Finally, what about your plans to achieve your master's degree? You have a lot on your plate to think about not to mention whether you really do love and are still in love with your husband?!!

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Married One,

 

I truly appreciate your post. I try to evaluate individuals, instead of a "type" if you know what I mean. I know lots of women who have cheated on their SOs, but given their situations, I probably would have done the same.

 

What hurt me so much, and why I want to beat this woman up, is that I actually was very good friends with her, and it is sooo hard for me to make friends and trust people in general. I know this sounds kinda warped, but my decision to have her as a friend speaks volumes about my flaws. This is part of my angst. I am meeting these screwed up people, and I need to start having some type of boundaries. Boundaries in my world are deal with no new people, period, instead of learning to screen people. So I have to work on this.

 

With the men, I haven't slept with anyone in a few months. It's something I felt I had to get out of my system. But I don't want this recent friendship to end badly either, so I think I'm going to tell him that we need to go our separate ways. We've hung out maybe twice in four months, and text like teenagers. LOL

 

My kids and I relationship is very good. I try to make sure I do all of the grunt work, so grandfather doesn't get overwhelmed. They are 18 months and into everything, potty training, etc, and I try to keep up with them, but kiss and hug them even when I am feeling crazy. They go to bed at 7PM, and all I really need is a couple of hours of decompression, ya know?

 

I am not quite sure what the issue with my father is. The only place I really go is my older sister's house for a couple of hours, then I'm back home. This WAS my decompression time, so now I have to figure out something new to not ruffle his feathers, and to compliment my work schedule.

 

Thanks for the four teps of advice. I am going to print these.

 

I really want to remain in my marriage, but I know I have to work on myself before I even attempt to re-enter this world. I don't even want to go back to our house because this is where they did their business. I also told my husband that I don't want to go back there; he'll have to come this way if he wants to stay in this marriage. I don't know how fair that is, but I really won't look at that house the same ever again.

 

Thank you soooooo much!

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I think you just need to find someone to confide in; sister, mother, or friend. Also, I disagree with people who say do whatever you want(sleep with whoever); 10 years from now you are going to have to look back on how you are acting now. Hold yourself in higher regard. You might want to speak to an attorney just so you can be prepared for the worse.

 

Thanks for the advice. I haven't banged the gavel on the sexual esapades yet, but I think they have ceased, honestly. I think I screwed myself here in the karma department.

 

Actually, on my lunch break, I will call an attorney and go over these same issues with him/her. Thanks!

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And yet your perspective has changed since D-day with the advent of the 3 liasons you engaged in, correct? Although you label them as meaningless they should tell you that you are not the same girl you were when you got married for in experiencing variety in sexual escapades are you still thinking that you really want to go back to an exclusive relationship with your husband? And if you do attempt to reconcile are you going to divulge everything to your husband? And what about your new job with pays better and offers better compensation? Finally, what about your plans to achieve your master's degree? You have a lot on your plate to think about not to mention whether you really do love and are still in love with your husband?!!

 

I am most definitely not the same person I was!

 

I did this because I was really hurting, and felt I had no control.

 

I don't know what to do about divulgement right now. This is part of what I plan to address at IC. In fact, he told me after D-day, he doesn't want to know if I have (again which I hadn't at that point).

 

I am simply going to work hard at my new job. The master's will be done online. I've already started the admissions process and I have an entrance exam I am preparing for now.

 

I love my husband. I am most definitely still very angry though and very distrustful of anyone who is not in my family.

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pelicanpreacher
I am most definitely not the same person I was!

 

I did this because I was really hurting, and felt I had no control.

 

I don't know what to do about divulgement right now. This is part of what I plan to address at IC. In fact, he told me after D-day, he doesn't want to know if I have (again which I hadn't at that point).

 

I am simply going to work hard at my new job. The master's will be done online. I've already started the admissions process and I have an entrance exam I am preparing for now.

 

I love my husband. I am most definitely still very angry though and very distrustful of anyone who is not in my family.

 

And here is where we've arrived at the core issue that shall determine whether or not you find your way back into a relationship with your husband ... ie, the wall that is now erected on your part to prevent connecting with him again. You've been very very very guarded in your posts on this issue thus far (or you've simply chosen not to think about it) which makes me think that you are going to need intensive therapy in order to resolve your innate response reaction to dissappointment at this level of betrayal for you will never be able to fall in love with him again unless you face this demon within yourself!

 

Forgiveness is not a natural instinct so it must be trained unto the mind with enormous discipline before you will ever let go and effectively move forward toward reconcilliation or divorce in a healthy healing of the soul! The question that begs though is, even if you do the heavy lifting to restore your state of affection and devotion to your husband prior to his affair, does he love and is he still in love with you?!!

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And here is where we've arrived at the core issue that shall determine whether or not you find your way back into a relationship with your husband ... ie, the wall that is now erected on your part to prevent connecting with him again. You've been very very very guarded in your posts on this issue thus far (or you've simply chosen not to think about it) which makes me think that you are going to need intensive therapy in order to resolve your innate response reaction to dissappointment at this level of betrayal for you will never be able to fall in love with him again unless you face this demon within yourself!

 

Forgiveness is not a natural instinct so it must be trained unto the mind with enormous discipline before you will ever let go and effectively move forward toward reconcilliation or divorce in a healthy healing of the soul! The question that begs though is, even if you do the heavy lifting to restore your state of affection and devotion to your husband prior to his affair, does he love and is he still in love with you?!!

 

 

I am naturally guarded.. lol. But I agree. I do need aggressive therapy. I will say that posting here and admitting my anger and my guilt for sleeping with these men has made me feel a lot better. I am still very apprehensive about admitting the affairs to my H. This is feel will be one of my primary issues in counseling (have made an appt BTW).

 

I know he still loves me, in love with me. I don't trust my intuition on this though. It's a really weird feeling

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You know you are still married even if your husband cheated (first) right? Two wrongs do not make it right. You obviously have self esteem issues. I bet if your husband knew about the 3 men (three?), he would serve you divorce papers on the spot. You need to be taking care of those babies and not trying to fill your void. Those kids come first. Hope you get it together for the sake of the kids as you are now a single parent.

 

cyabye

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This is anything but a marriage.

 

I must admit to only reading most of the posts, but I don;t think you say what you want.

 

What do you want - end this so called marriage or try and reconcile?

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You know you are still married even if your husband cheated (first) right? Two wrongs do not make it right. You obviously have self esteem issues. I bet if your husband knew about the 3 men (three?), he would serve you divorce papers on the spot. You need to be taking care of those babies and not trying to fill your void. Those kids come first. Hope you get it together for the sake of the kids as you are now a single parent.

 

cyabye

 

 

I am very well aware that I married, and have already addressed that I have these issues. If he serves me because of the men, then I deserve it because I am wrong. I never said what I did was right, just wanted to clarify that.

 

And my children are my first priority. Thus, the new job and the pursuit of the master's degree. I understand what I need to be doing, the task for me is the direction in getting there without allowing my emotions to cloud the way.

 

Thanks for your answers anyway.

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This is anything but a marriage.

 

I must admit to only reading most of the posts, but I don;t think you say what you want.

 

What do you want - end this so called marriage or try and reconcile?

 

Try and reconcile. I think if I really did not care, I wouldn't be putting myself out here like this. There isn't much more to this story than what I am telling you all.

 

So, I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be telling you all honestly (LOL). What concerns me is my way of coping with the infidelity.

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pelicanpreacher

If reconcilliation is your goal then perfect communication + perfect excecution = desired results. Going forward you must do so understanding that the current marriage is spiritually dead. You must therefore begin at the beginning knowing that the you and your husband are different people by virtue of your infidelities, other experiences, and goals that you've set for your lives as individuals.

 

You must move slowly through the arduous task of learning all about the new person in front of you without albatrossing yourselves with baggage from the past by disclosing everything that you've done and experiences that has shaped your existence to create the people you are now. If you are able to accept one another even knowing each other's deepest darkest secrets then you can take the next step in the evolution of your relationship by reconnecting on a spiritual and emotional level. It is during this courtship phase that you must articulate your needs, wishes, fears, and hopes so that you don't find yourself at odds on issues you'd each normally perceive intrinsically to be unspoken common sense. Save the physical connection until after all of the aforementioned steps have been taken and you've resolved the logistical problems of the physical separation of your living arrangements to mark the moment that both of you are ready to seriously commit to a renewal of your vows to one another.

 

If you shortcut any of the steps stipulated you will only leave the new relationship vulnerable to ghosts of the past breeding resentment, confusion, and angst against the future.

 

Good luck!

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Hey TS,

 

I went through something similar. I was married and my husband got another woman pregnant. All I could think of was killing them both. I actually threatened him if I ever met her I would beat the crap out of her.

 

Those feelings are a natural reaction to the pain inflicted upon you.

Imagining and actually "doing" are two different things. I think you have probably chosen other outlets to vent your anger (sexual, cigs, etc)... The imagining is NOT something you should feel shame over. You had the self control to remove yourself from a potentially explosive situation. take some credit for that.

 

It's overwhelming for you I am sure. I shed 50 lbs after my divorce and at one point went down to 105 lbs at 5'8". Some of my hair even fell out. I really do understand your physical and emotion response to what has happened to you.

 

You were betrayed, not by just your husband, but by your close friend. Don't be ashamed for having an angry reaction to that!! Embrace the anger because you have a right to it. I'd be more concerned if you didn't have anger over this. The anger is just something you have to continue to work through. There is no point in supressing it- but I think it is great to have some therapy. It truly did help me.

 

I am no longer the same woman I was before the betrayal and my divorce. I left him as soon as I found out and never wanted him back, even though I loved him.

 

Can you ever really see yourself reconciling with what your husband did to you? Could you ever see yourself getting back to a point where you have trust and happiness with him again? After hearing your story, I am not sure it's plausible, but only you can be the judge of that. I also can't help but think he doesn't deserve a second chance.

 

It pisses me off to hear posters being judgemental about you having sex while separated. That's BS. I saw other people while awaiting my divorce, and it was an esteem booster to be desired after suffering such a blow.

 

Can you get out of your dad's place? That arrangement doesn't sound healthy.

 

I feel for you. I have been in a similar situation and it drained my sense of self worth and happiness. I am in a much better place now. You can find your way back as well. It may not be to the place that you were- but that isn't a bad thing.

 

Divorce isn't life ending, at least it doesn't have to be. You can make choices that will lead you to a different life that can and will be more fulfilling than the marriage you are currently estranged from.

 

So you've acted out some sexually and smoked a fair share of cigarettes while downing copious amounts of coffee (all well remaining steadily employed). You certainly could have handled things worse my friend. Allow yourself some crazy time, it's all apart of figuring things out.

 

You're going to be okay, keep telling yourself that. You even have a plan in place- which is yet another step to recovery. I think once you begin to see small amounts of progress you will nix the idea of returning to the man that caused you so much pain and trouble.

 

If nothing else, stop and think about what you have accomplished since leaving your husband and give yourself some credit.

 

Keep talking about it- it really does help. I applaud you for how far you have come. The anger will subside and you will get over it. I am speaking from experience with that forsight.

 

Hugs.

D

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