I told my husband about affair

[sweetypie]

I have been married for 20 years, and with my husband for 4 before that. 2 months ago I started an affair, my husband travels alot, our 2 teenagers are nearly independent. A couple of years ago we seemed to drift apart, the sex more or less stopped, and with it the intimacy we had always shared. We seemed to be almost indifferent of each other's feelings. I found the attention from the OM intoxicating, and fell deeply for him in a very short period of time.

 

I decided to tell my husband about the A last week. The deception was eating me up, and I couldn't lie to him any longer. I told him everything, including the fact that I thought the marriage was over and I should leave. We talked openly and honestly for what felt the first time in years, and it hit me that my husband and I do have a future, afterall.

 

 

I immediately ended the A, and have had NC since.

 

I am committed to trying to move forward to salvage what I can...but. And this is what I'm struggling with. I miss the OM so much, I feel like I have a physical pain in my chest. Please can somebody tell me if this is normal? I don't feel I can burden my husband, and as he is away I am hiding my misery. What else should I be doing to help my husband and I move on?

[2sure]

Wow! I'm so happy that you and your husband are trying for a new start.

A crisis like this, almost tearing a M apart , CAN result in pulling it back together.

 

I hope that both of you treat this affair like the giant red flag it is and take steps to correct the problems in the marriage that led to it.

 

An affair , the emotions, the sex, the attention is an addiction. Keep reading here, and treat it like an addiction - going cold turkey no contact is the fastest and best way to treat this addiction. It is normal to miss the OP and the affair, and also normal , once it is in the past, to say What was I thinking.

 

As a BS , I can tell you that for your H - you have to offer him complete transparency. Trust does not automatically come with forgiveness.

 

Keep posting.

[Owl]

Yes, what you're feeling is normal. It's called "withdrawl". Its very, very similar to the feelings you'd have if you were ending a drug addiction.

 

Pick up a copy of the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Harley. It'll help you work through a LOT of this. You might also take a look at the marriagebuilders website...BUT AVOID THE FORUM!!!!!!!!

 

Post here rather than there...trust me.

 

How is your H dealing with all of this?

[sweetypie]

He's been amazing. He said that he knows we have been having problems for a long time, and that this is a sympton, and that if we both work at it he knows we will recover from this and be even stronger than before.

 

But, he is abroad again this week. And I am sure he must be wondering if I have contacted the OM. He must be feeling terrible too.

[whichwayisup]

Do some individual counselling but make sure the therapist is a marriage counsellor. You and your husband should also go together..I'm sure he has some insecurities and fears, mistrust of you, even though you two are talking and it seems he wants to save the marriage.

 

But, you need to decide if this is what you want, which is why going to counselling on your own will help. Post here and always keep your husband informed with honesty. Whatever you do, do NOT contact the OM - The A is over and it's best for him and you for to stay in NC mode. Prove to your husband that you ARE worthy of this chance, to become trustworthy again. Allow him access to your email and cell records so HE can look and check up on you if he is feeling doubtful and insecure of what you could be doing when he is away. Talk to your husband on the phone, reaffirm your love for him.

[anne1707]

Sweetypie

 

You have done the hardest thing in telling your husband. Remember that as you work through the times to come. The pain you are now feeling is to be expected - I have been there. It does get better, I promise.

 

As recommended, try the marriagebuilders site but also use this forum for support. I have and it has helped (though it did not always feel it at the time). Also go for MC.

 

Look after yourself and your husband. It is a long road to recovery. I am still on it with a long way to go yet but life for my H and I is getting better.

[travelgirl]

Error - sorry

[Reggie]

Good job in telling your H and going NC. If it got physical, it's important that you and your H get tested for STD's. I've seen quite a few stories where the WS gave the BS the gift that keeps giving.

Most marriages do not survivie this . Maybe you will be one of the exceptions. Your H will be in a world of hurt for a long time. He needs to get help if he needs it.

[sweetypie]

Thankyou for all the replies, I can't tell you how much it is helping. I spoke to DH tonight, and it feels like the distance is growing again between us. It really doesn't help when we are so far apart. We chatted about safe things, but when I tried to ask how he was and told him I loved him he changed the subject. He's away this week, back next and then away again for two weeks..and then it's nearly Christmas.

 

We don't seem to have any time to even start to put things right.....;

[Reggie]

Surprise him with the results of your STD testing. You could be a human Petrie dish.

[RecordProducer]

Withdrawal, addiction...? Emotions and sex and attention are not an addiction. They are basic emotional needs. Who said you have to be married to someone who doesn't fulfill your needs?

 

The problem is that you want to be married to your husband and you need the OM to make you really happy. But the OM is new and brings nothing but excitement, while the husband is secure and well known but doesn't make you happy.

 

I totally understand not wanting to deceive your husband, but I also understand your feelings for the OM. You didn't mention anything that indicates that your marriage might become more satisfying. It's only going to recover from the affair - your affair, which you started because you were not happy in your marriage. And what are you getting from it? Your old husband, plus resentment from him, plus feeling sad about losing the OM.

 

It seems to me that you're trying to do the right thing and not what your heart tells you. You only live once.

[Reggie]

Withdrawal, addiction...? Emotions and sex and attention are not an addiction. They are basic emotional needs. Who said you have to be married to someone who doesn't fulfill your needs?

 

The problem is that you want to be married to your husband and you need the OM to make you really happy. But the OM is new and brings nothing but excitement, while the husband is secure and well known but doesn't make you happy.

 

I totally understand not wanting to deceive your husband, but I also understand your feelings for the OM. You didn't mention anything that indicates that your marriage might become more satisfying. It's only going to recover from the affair - your affair, which you started because you were not happy in your marriage. And what are you getting from it? Your old husband, plus resentment from him, plus feeling sad about losing the OM.

 

It seems to me that you're trying to do the right thing and not what your heart tells you. You only live once.

 

What tripe. Resentment? Is he supposed to be falling all over himself to make her feel good after this abuse?

Husband responsible for her happiness? Adults take responsibility for their own fulfillment.

Studies show that cheaters, generally, have brought less to the marriage and are more responsible for the state of disrepair. They have unrealistic expectations and are poor communicators and problem solvers.

The forums are full of BS who implored their WS to work on the marriage , get counseling, only to have it fall on deaf ears.

[RecordProducer]

Husband responsible for her happiness? Adults take responsibility for their own fulfillment.

... and so she did... for a couple of months.

Studies show that cheaters, generally, have brought less to the marriage and are more responsible for the state of disrepair. They have unrealistic expectations and are poor communicators and problem solvers.

The forums are full of BS who implored their WS to work on the marriage , get counseling, only to have it fall on deaf ears.

This is not about statistics, but a woman who felt unsatisfied for two years. She got over her husband, fell for another man, and now she is trying to repair the marriage from something that she yearns for (love with the OM) - to get something that she doesn't really want (her husband).

 

Perhaps it's time to gather some courage and search for true happiness, whatever it is. I know an affair is not a solution, but what's with all the congrats about her getting back with her husband? I don't know how convenient a divorce would be and if the OM is married, too. I hope she can have her needs fulfilled by her husband in the time to come.

[lkjh]

RecordProducer,

That has to be the worst and selfish advice I have ever seen. Lets just forget about her teenage children the 20+ years of devotion her H has shown and look for a quick fix. Good thinking! Life is short but in the real world people have responsibilities and if they just live for themselves they will fall. You can not expect a quick fix; thats not how the world works. Marriage get boring, repetitive, and lame but that doesn't mean you just abandon it and live for yourself. Everything in life takes work.

[RecordProducer]

Marriage get boring, repetitive, and lame but that doesn't mean you just abandon it and live for yourself.

So you're suggesting that one has to remain in a crappy long-term situation because that's how things "should" be, because putting a lot of effort is more noble than living for yourself.

 

Every spouse knows the shape of their marriage and if it's worth saving. My advice is rather alternative. Everyone said "I'm happy you decided to work on the marriage." Well, I am not necessarily happy for her. Or even for her husband. I can tell you that if they do have grounds for true happiness together and she cheated because of a two-year crisis, then she screwed up big time. She betrayed a 20-year old trust and love for a quick fix. I disapprove of these quick fixes, not in the moralistic sense, but in the sense that they ruin a good deal of a significant relationship in exchange for a little excitement.

 

However, if she is genuinely unhappy in this marriage, then going back to "boring, repetitive, and lame" won't do anything, but imprison both spouses. People have a huge tendency to pretend before themselves, to lie to themselves that their lives are fine, just because they think that the way they live is the way one should live. We cover our true identities (desires, needs, affinities, abilities) with layers and layers of lies. "I have a wonderful husband, three great kids in college, a nice house, and a big family.. so why am I taking anti-depressants?" People see their lives from the outside - instead of from the inside.

[Reggie]

So you're suggesting that one has to remain in a crappy long-term situation because that's how things "should" be, because putting a lot of effort is more noble than living for yourself.

 

Every spouse knows the shape of their marriage and if it's worth saving. My advice is rather alternative. Everyone said "I'm happy you decided to work on the marriage." Well, I am not necessarily happy for her. Or even for her husband. I can tell you that if they do have grounds for true happiness together and she cheated because of a two-year crisis, then she screwed up big time. She betrayed a 20-year old trust and love for a quick fix. I disapprove of these quick fixes, not in the moralistic sense, but in the sense that they ruin a good deal of a significant relationship in exchange for a little excitement.

 

However, if she is genuinely unhappy in this marriage, then going back to "boring, repetitive, and lame" won't do anything, but imprison both spouses. People have a huge tendency to pretend before themselves, to lie to themselves that their lives are fine, just because they think that the way they live is the way one should live. We cover our true identities (desires, needs, affinities, abilities) with layers and layers of lies. "I have a wonderful husband, three great kids in college, a nice house, and a big family.. so why am I taking anti-depressants?" People see their lives from the outside - instead of from the inside.

 

I do not disagree that folks that are unhappy and want out should not bother to do the work if they have no hope.

As you, I feel it was wrong(although I do believe for moral reasons, as well) to cheat as a way of accomplishing either exiting or to kick start the marriage.

Unfortunately, if there was hope of repairing the deficiencies she perceived in the marriage before the affair, she has made the job of fixing this much more difficult by going this route.

She exposed her husband to health risks and the psychological damage that is attendant to having been betrayed like this.

It is a source of constant bewilderment to me why people choose this route when other options are so readily available. If one is unhappy and wants out or wants to fix things, why on earth does he or she think this will accomplish the goal? It's a sign of really poor problem solving abilities and poor communications skills as well as cruelty and selfishness.

[lkjh]

Where in her post did she say she was miserable? All she said is that after sometime she has drifted apart form her H. I never said people should stay in crappy marriage's. I said its good that she is trying to reconnect with her H for the sake of her family. I think cheating was the lowest thing she could have done but admitting it and agreeing with her H that they want to work out their problems is better than throwing in the towel; at least from her point. If it was her H posting here my advice would be to get a divorce because I feel cheaters can not be trusted. Her H wants to work it out and I think it is good that she is trying to get past her feelings for the OM. In life everything gets boring and we shouldn't throw our commitments out the window in search of something new; yes she did this but now she is trying to right her wrongs as much as possible.

[Steve L]

Dont be surprised if he changes HIS tune a little down the road. My wife did some of the most horrible things in the world to me during her affair, she admitted it all to me one night. At first I was furious. Then we drifted into a few months of reflection and trying to do the right thing, developing some very special tools and ways of showing affection. This included things like an impromptu discussion of trading oppinions about what we loved about one another. It really was a beutifully hurtful time. Ultimately it was over. Affairs trash families and lives, statistically you are next. I hope for your husbands sake this is not what happens to him. As for you, nobodys perfect but you should be prepared to gracefully accept whatever hand you are dealt because you deserve nothing less than a kick to the curb.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dont be surprised if he changes HIS tune a little down the road.

 

Especially after the shock is over and the anger starts.

[2sure]

I am a BS, and feel our marriage is recovering from his infidelity.

You have done good things here, and your H has been fairly receptive so far.

I will say, that until I truly felt I would be ABLE to forgive my H, recovery did not really move foward. At this point, your H may want to be able to forgive you...but still doesnt know for sure if he can. That is fair and your burden as well as his.

 

But...you cant do this alone. At some point, and soon...you have to work together to put this marriage back together. One person cannot be sorry and the other forgiving. It has to be more a thinking and changing as one.

If your H does not begin to work with you...it wont be his fault...but you wont save the marriage.

 

Because you are logistically apart, you have obstacles and too much time away from each other to brood. You have to ask him to think about what he needs from you, from this marriage. He wont have an answer right away maybe...but then you need to act on those needs. It sounds like you both have unmet needs...are you both interested in meeting them?

[ladyintights]

Why again are you working on this marriage? It doesn't look like there's anything special left to "salvage". After one convo, you were given the idea both of you had a future? Oh boy. Your hubby is probably getting some on the side too!

[jointheclub]

Not sure where the hostility on this thread is coming from. She wants to work on the M, her husband does, so what's the problem? Obviously, they both think there's something worth saving here. It doesn't sound like they have some horrible marriage, just that they hit a bit of an ebb, as most long-term relationships will -- as no doubt the OP's relationship with the OM would at some point, if that ever turned into a real relationship. In terms of infidelity situations, this seems like a much more workable one than most.

[jwi71]

I have been married for 20 years, and with my husband for 4 before that. 2 months ago I started an affair, my husband travels alot, our 2 teenagers are nearly independent. A couple of years ago we seemed to drift apart, the sex more or less stopped, and with it the intimacy we had always shared. We seemed to be almost indifferent of each other's feelings. I found the attention from the OM intoxicating, and fell deeply for him in a very short period of time.

 

I decided to tell my husband about the A last week. The deception was eating me up, and I couldn't lie to him any longer. I told him everything, including the fact that I thought the marriage was over and I should leave. We talked openly and honestly for what felt the first time in years, and it hit me that my husband and I do have a future, afterall.

 

 

I immediately ended the A, and have had NC since.

 

I am committed to trying to move forward to salvage what I can...but. And this is what I'm struggling with. I miss the OM so much, I feel like I have a physical pain in my chest. Please can somebody tell me if this is normal? I don't feel I can burden my husband, and as he is away I am hiding my misery. What else should I be doing to help my husband and I move on?

 

From what other cheaters post, its normal. My wife had the same anxiety for a bit too. And THAT was tough on me.

 

What else should you be doing? Go to MC. Spend time together. Communicate (openly and honestly).

 

Do you really want your M to survive? Or would you prefer to be single? What do you want?

[JustBreathe]

Look, her husband says he wants to work it out. She is trying to work it out with him. She wants to know WHAT ELSE SHE CAN DO to try to make things better with her husband. I'm not going to comment on her cheating, what for? There's no excuse for it. Being unsatisfied in your marriage as a reason to cheat is pure bunk. When you're dissatisfied you TALK to your spouse about it, do what you can to get it together, not go jump in bed with someone else.

 

It takes a long long time to get over your spouse's affair. Sometimes you never do (raising my hand). What can you do about it now? Show your husband you love him and are devoted to rebuilding your marriage as you have to start from scratch now. Talk to him about what you were dissatisfied with and LOOK AT YOURSELF. Physcian, heal thyself. Fix yourself first. You blew it, he didn't.

 

Someone on here said she needs to be an open book, let her husband have all her passwords, etc. That is such good advice. If my H had done that, it would have saved me alot of heartache.

 

Also, she's going through that horrible withdrawal phase that happens when the luv fest is over. GAWD I hate that. I absolutely hate when I hear someone is sitting around all sorry eyed because their nasty, mindless, back stabbling affair is over.

 

But it happens and she has to get through it. Good luck with that one because I don't know how they get through it exceptto stop acting like a p.o.s. and like you're 12 years old and grow up already.

[mental_traveller]

Withdrawal, addiction...? Emotions and sex and attention are not an addiction. They are basic emotional needs. Who said you have to be married to someone who doesn't fulfill your needs?

 

Sex isn't a need, plenty of people have long times without sex - children, priests, many people in the army or prison etc.

 

Emotions are not a need, at least not the emotions of an affair or love. Many people are not in love for years, and function normally.

 

A need is something like food, water, oxygen, shelter etc.

 

Marriage vows, which are willingly entered into, say you promise to stay married for better or for worse. That obviously includes if your "needs" (i.e. desires) are not met for a while. This is of course assuming the lack of desires met is entirely the husband's fault, not the woman's.

 

Many married men desire hot sex regularly with their wives. If they don't get it, and they cheat, they catch hell. Seems like a double standard.