Steve L Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 We were married 20 years. Dated since we were 16. We have two teen children. I developed ED as the result of a new medication. I had to take cialis before making love, this really turned her off. If she wasnt enough to "get things going" something had to be wrong. She started sleeping with another dude while I was at work. 30 40 times they were together. She did not work, would not do my laundry even though she was home or running all day, would not clean, did not cook. She told me that if I wanted that I needed to get a f ing maid. She admitted the affair and we tried to stay together for 6 mos. It was hell. The more details I got about the affair the more it hurt eg: Laeving a club where we were together to go have sex with him on the guise she was checking up on the kids. Since that time she has acted like a complete psycho, begging me to take her back but doing NOTHING. She was pshysically abusive, told me she would do it again under certain conditions, of course she now denies this. The kids DO NOT want us back together and my son says if she comes back, he doesnt want to live there. She tells me I am too ugly for anyone to want. Heres the deal. Im in my early 40's. fun, very outgoing, excellent shape and average looking,just made my first million. I have filed for divorce. Question 1. Should I try to reconcile? Q2. Why would she want me to know she is dating, it hurts Q3. How do I get over her, I think I still love her Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 She tells me I am too ugly for anyone to want. She's ugly right now on the inside Steve and if I were you, I wouldn't even consider a reconciliation unless and until she started being really pro-active about the situation such as trying to help you to heal, mend the damage she has caused, stopping the abuse and getting herself into therapy to find out why she is acting like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 That's a long time for her to have thrown away. High school sweethearts? That's a sting; first love i'd guess coupled with the length of time you've been together. I would say there's some very deep issues underyling this i.e. she feels like a maid? Or that helping out would render her a maid? Has she got self-esteem issues which would cause her to validate herself with an affair and fail to help you out? If so these are her problems and only by her doing something about it can you get things back on. It will be a LONG process. If not, move on and cut your loses. You've made a million, you're not past your sell by date, alright looking etc. Don't let this experience grind you down. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Steve, I'm sorry you're going through this. 20 years is a lot to throw away. Take a look at the stuff on marriagebuilders-dot-com. They have a lot of information on how to rescue a marriage after an affair. If you love her, I think you owe it to your history to fight for your marriage. Good luck, man. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 How do I get over her, I think I still love her I don't know why you would love someone that would desert you in such a way because you have a medical condition through no fault of your own. so much for standing by your man. Question is, why do you love someone that goes behind your back to shag another man? Not only that, treats you with such venom to say those things to you? Is this medical condition temporary along with the medication you are taking? Either way, you need to see her for what she really is, a scumbag. Maybe if you see her for that then you wouldn't love such a person. Keep your divorce on track and don't look back. By thinking you love her and can't get over her, you are in a desperation phase. I was in it too until I realized life was much better without her, and there were MUCH better women out there. And kudos to your kids for having the morals and maturity to realize they don't want her around. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 What a nightmare of a wife, Steve. She is very abusive. Many, many guys in their 40's develop some ED and the meds are very good. The fact that she feels your need for the meds reflects on her desirability indicates she has self esteem peoblems. She doubts her own attractiveness and is projecting this doubt on you in criticizing your attractiveness. You may be dealing with a personality disordered individual> I don't know her history, but a couple things jump out at me that are red flags for a personality disorder. First, apparently, your kids don't like her. She has alienated her own children and that is what the disordred do. The kids do not have the romantic love for her that you, as a spouse, do. So, they have a clearer vision of what she is really like. Second, as mentioned, she has issues with her own attractiveness and needs to validate herself in this incredibly cruel way. The disordered are in need of a constant supply of validation as they feel so badly about themselves. Your medical condition was a huge threat to her self image and she needed to get her validation fix. What an insane reaction to the condition. Third, she has conducted this affair in a particularly cruel and blatant manner. This is not the typical , surreptitious affair. It is an assault on you with face rubbing. It's incredibly abusive(I've had this done to me, as well). I would listen to your kids and divorce her as fast as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Steve, From what you have written I think you would have to be out of your mind to take her back. She is an abuser. She totally gets off humiliating and betraying you and tries to destroy your self-esteem. You are at a club and she tells you she is going to check on the kids and then screws her lover? Why in the hell would you want this? Please see a therapist to understand why you would profess your love for a person who treats you like dirt and rubs her affair in your face? Of course she wants to come back. She wants a husband that is so stupid that she can disrespect, humiliate and betray him by screwing her lover while you are at work. On the question of Cialis let me say something. I have been using it for the past couple of years and it is a godsend. My girlfriend loves the fact that I have the stamina of a much younger man. I like many men have to take blood pressure medication which makes a need for pills like Cialis. Thank goodness we have the technology. Your wifes attitude was ridiculous. She used it as a smokescreen to betray you. Ask yourself why you feel the need to be so co-dependent on a spouse who enjoys humiliating you in such a way and putting your health at great risk for STD's? Get a divorce and move on. In the future you will meet someone else and then wonder why in the hell you even considered taking her back. It is clear she has absollutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
misternoname Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Steve, Man, can I relate! My wife and I were also high school sweethearts. Married 24 years. She's cheated more than once...me not at all. What you'll soon discover is that women rarely cheat for sex. Most cheat for the attention and to validate that they're still desirable. After her last affair she finally moved out. We've been separated for 7 months. We tried to reconcile. We went off for the weekend. It was like old times. She vowed to end her current realtionship (guy she met after moving out). Within a matter of days I discovered she was still in contact with him. Is that the type of life you want to lead? I know it's scary to start fresh after so many years. I was so affraid of being alone that I "overlooked" the facts and was willing to take her back. Once I got a backbone and said enough is enough, I started dating. 3 months ago I met a wonderful woman who had suffered thru the same crap. It's so refreshing to be with someone that actually WANTS to spend time with me. I too made a lot of money. It sucks to see half of it vanish but you'll soon discover that money certainly doesn't buy happiness. I'd rather be poor but with a good, loyal person by my side than wasting it on a selfish, unappreciative narcisist. Grow some...pick yourself up...dust off and find real happiness. It can happen but I won't lie...it's initially going to be very tough. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Its funny how money can change some people for the worse. I'll bet my bottom dollar that if the money was funny and the eggs were runny she'd be focused on survival instead of the luxury of Cain! You've now seen her true colors in all her glory best so the question that begs is would you walk down the aisle to make vows to this stranger reflected in your eyes? Link to post Share on other sites
travelgirl Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 If you own child says he will not live in a house with the 2 of you together you know something is terribly wrong. I am all for trying to start over under normal circumstances and when people realize they have made some mistakes. Problem is your wife is cruel and has no self esteem. That is why she pushes you down, that is why she has affairs, that is why she is physically abusive. I can't imagine coming back from all of that no matter how many years I was with that person, especially if your own children want you apart. Please try and realize that you probably don't love her anymore but that you love the codependency you had with her all those years, whether they were good or bad. You need to see a therapist and get thru this hard time. I would grant the kids their wish and keep her away from the house. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I'd give my left nut (okay, so I'm a chick, but you know what I mean) if my husband was open to a medical regimen that meant we could have sex on a regular basis, so for the life of my I cannot understand why your wife would be so cold about you doing this very thing. Unless she was already emotionally gone from the relationship and just used this excuse to justify her behavior, which is what it sounds like. I'm the last person to advocate divorce, but frankly, it sounds like all she's interested in is mind-fooking you ... you're young, you're healthy, you're willing to think outside the box to keep your partner satisfied and you aren't dependent on anyone for funds, all of which make you sound like a good potential partner, and she knows it. Which is why she's changing her tune. you are the only one who really knows what's going on here, but if your child is telling you that you two are poison together, it sounds like he knows the best out of us all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve L Posted November 18, 2008 Author Share Posted November 18, 2008 I can tell you this, when we didnt have squat things were a lot better. I think it was because we were both working for a common goal Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I developed ED as the result of a new medication. What medical condition do you have, if I may ask? Was it possible for you to change the medication again? ED or low libido are considered significant side effects and doctors are usually willing to switch meds to avoid them. She did not work, would not do my laundry even though she was home or running all day, would not clean, did not cook. She told me that if I wanted that I needed to get a f ing maid. Was this throughout the entire marriage? Why? Question 1. Should I try to reconcile? Only you can answer that question. Do what would make you happy in the long run. Q2. Why would she want me to know she is dating, it hurts Is it possible that she feels hurt by you for some reason? Q3. How do I get over her, I think I still love her You find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I have filed for divorce. Question 1. Should I try to reconcile? Q2. Why would she want me to know she is dating, it hurts Q3. How do I get over her, I think I still love her 1. Negative 2. Mind-f*ck 3. NC and counseling can help. Obviously complete NC is impossible because of the kids. Hope your D lawyer has fleshed out some scenarios for you. Please, please do not get seriously involved with someone else until you've cleared the D process and have healed emotionally. Focus on the kids, family and friends. You may even find your ED may resolve as a result of lifestyle changes obviating the need for the causal medication. Experiment with other methods/meds. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve L Posted November 18, 2008 Author Share Posted November 18, 2008 Yeh, these things cant be fixed, at least not correctly. Anyone with any sense comes to realize that couples counseling is a sham. To reach resolution one member of the parties in question eventually has to eat crow, or it wont work. The counselors make the person who was violated out to be as guilty as the truly guilty party. If you wont accept it , it wont work. Also, have you noticed that every site offering marriage help online is SELLING something..forget it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Individual psychological counseling will help you if you want it to. There may come a time when, even if you think you know more than they do and/or think you have it all figured out, you'll realize you were just deluding yourself. I can tell you with certainty that our MC, who is a psychologist, did not place responsibility for my actions upon my wife. We each bore our own responsibilities and worked our own issues and learned tools to better understand and communicate with each other. No guarantees, but we're both better off for the process, IMO. IC can help you with your questions here and with the pain you certainly must feel now and in the future, and give you tools to manage/deal with the choices you make for your M. If you don't believe in psychological counseling or its sub-disciplines, definitely do not pursue it. You will waste your money. I would recommend investigating retaining the services a divorce mediator, if applicable in your jurisdiction. The less lawyer time you burn up, the better, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve L Posted November 18, 2008 Author Share Posted November 18, 2008 ed caused by b pressure meds. found a good one now. Performance anxiety caused issues too, if I didnt perform, she would cry Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve L Posted November 18, 2008 Author Share Posted November 18, 2008 new to this site and seem to b screwing this up.... A lot. It is cool because there are a lot of people on here that are devoting their time to helping others they will never meet. What an immaculate gift. To reply to record producer, yes ed somwhat fixed, a little. b pressure meds. And the ehlp of 2 lifelong female friends (career women, dont want a man, just occasional grill out and a little sex) its great fun. They know Im clean, Im caring and they know each other and know whats going on. A little freaky yes, but after 20 yrs with this b#tch It is refreshingly wholesome in a morally defunct way Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 OK, you've both been unfaithful, if I'm reading right. I'll assume W was "first". We had a thread recently about a guy who discovered his W's affair and then cheated with the W of the OM. I'll dig up the link. Might be some good reading Link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164208/ Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Yeh, these things cant be fixed, at least not correctly. Anyone with any sense comes to realize that couples counseling is a sham. To reach resolution one member of the parties in question eventually has to eat crow, or it wont work. The counselors make the person who was violated out to be as guilty as the truly guilty party. If you wont accept it , it wont work. Also, have you noticed that every site offering marriage help online is SELLING something..forget it. Good observations on both the effectivenss of the sites promoting their services(the real stats say about 30% of marriages "survive" and the qulaityof those that do are suspect) as well as the performance anxiety. With the type of pressure this woman was putting on you and her disorder(the cruelty post affair is a big clue) I am not surprised you were having difficulty. It's NORMAL under these circumstances. You need to follow through and get out for the kids sake , as well as your own. Link to post Share on other sites
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