When does withdrawal end?

[Confoozed]

I began this as a reply to the thread from the woman wondering if the MM misses the OW after they go NC. But I found I was hijacking the thread for my own purposes. So I thought I'd start this new one.

 

The answer to the woman's question is a resounding YES. Certainly right now anyway.

 

After two years of daily contact -- emails, phone calls, face-to-face -- we have been NC for a month. And a very hard month it has been. Even though I have returned to my marriage and sworn off any future contact with her, I just can't get her out of my head. It seems I miss her as much as ever and the craving to contact her is as strong as ever.

 

Many on this and other forums liken it to getting over an addiction. I am assuming, then, that I'm still going through withdrawal.

 

Question to those who know: When does it get easier? And is there any way to hasten it along?

[pkn06002]

Took me 4 months to get to the point where I just don't care much anymore. I still think about her but I no longer have cravings for her day after day. Now when I have thoughts they may last 30 minutes to an hour.

 

That is after a 3.5 year affair. Where she was the person I talked to every data about everything.

 

No there is NO WAY to make it go faster.

 

I will say just feel the emotions if you hold them in it only makes things take longer. Plus stay busy.

 

Warning you will hit depression so be on the look out for that.

 

One idea you may get from people that I found DOES NOT WORK is to concentrate on your wife. You will only try to change your wife into the OW so you can get a sudo fix.

[smile711]

Confoozed-Don't worry-you can hijack my thread if you need to! I know that I was the OW and maybe it won't help, but the NC with xMM has been brutal. We have both maintained the NC for 74 days (yes, I still count-makes me feel accomplished!). He left to go back home exactly 12 weeks ago. I am just now coming out of the withdrawal. Like you, we were together for over 2 years-daily contact and we worked together for a while. We still work in the same building and I see his face occasionally but still NC. It was like 8-10 phone calls a day, every day, and it's hard to listen to the silence of the phone. The first month was absolutely brutal...I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worst enemy. Depression came, just like pkn said. I'm in counseling and getting through it. Just remember that every day is a victory. I went through phases. First, I was upset that he wasn't contacting me. Then, I was equal parts upset and relieved. Only in the past few days have I gotten to the point where I am a teeny bit more relieved than upset. The balance is shifting! I don't want to be on that roller coaster again. The ups and downs, the lying and sneaking around, the drama and the tears...it took its toll on me. I still miss him every day and I probably always will.

 

If I may ask, what prompted you to go NC with OW and work on your marriage? Did something happen or did you just decide it was time to make a decision?

[blinded]

 

Question to those who know: When does it get easier? And is there any way to hasten it along?

 

I'd like to know the answer myself. Funny thing is: I know that there isn't an answer good enough for me right now. I'm so sad and I have to act like everything is ok. I feel like I've been walking in a daze and just going through the motions. It's been 10 days since I last heard from him. I wrote him last week and haven't heard anything since. I know it's for the best, I know that we weren't going anywhere. But it doesn't hurt any less.

 

I know that I should look at the bright side. That it gives me time to focus on the important things in life: my family. I try keeping busy. I try, but I can't stop thinking about him.

 

I truly don't think I can move on without any closure. When an affair ends, shouldn't it be agreed upon? Shouldn't he at least tell me he doesn't want to continue any contact w/me?

 

I'm having withdrawls bigtime. I'm tempted to write him today...but I'm here instead.

[pkn06002]

Continue to come here and post. If you send you OP anything it just starts the withdrawals over.

[cherrymoon]

Hi there,

I guess the worst thing is that after you stop missing them (and it really does happen) you have to live with the constant nagging in your head that you are a cheater (if you were married )

I wonder will I ever feel normal.

 

The intensity of an affair because it is secret means that the phone not beeping the time on your hands leads you to think about them. When we have real relationships we don't have the millions of phonecalls and text messages, we have time with the other person in an affair it is stolen moments nuggets of opportunity. suddenly we are without that suddenly we have no where to disappear to nothing to do with that extra hour and it hits home. We can't really talk about it because people hate what we have done so we suffer in this silence. We see the pain we have caused and the relationship we have destroyed.

 

We have to live in the real world and face it.

I am nearly a year NC and I really don't care, I am 100% indifferent to him.

he has tried to contact me but I have no feelings for him. It wasn't love. I thought it was but it was just new.

I am rebuilding my marriage and after all that has been said and done I realise to still want my H after the 2 yrs of torture he put me through after finding out. That is real love it is a force that is unbelievable deep something intangible.

I am finding it so difficult these last two weeks but my love for him is growing daily and I knowif we make it I will love him in the most amazing way ever.

There are moments of silence when my phone beeps and a feeling of "OH" passes through me but as quick as it does it disappears again.

I let him go for a number of reasons. I made the choice to move on and I regret every bit of my affair and I regret him.

That is the sadness of the affair I regret it, not because I got caught or because my life is tough but because I lost who I thought i was.

 

Stay no contact, when I used to need to text him I text my friends. I asked two of my closest friends if I could use them as a fix they agreed and I would text them any old nonsense and they would reply back. It stopped the loneliness and made me feel like someone loved me.

 

Be strong affairs are not real they just feel better then the real thing.

 

sorry ye hurt but I promise the pain will turn to a numbness and then an indifference.

[Owl]

Withdrawl is dependent upon several factors.

 

The length of the affair. The frequency and emotional depth of the communications. Personality and support system of the person going through withdrawl.

[Confoozed]

If I may ask, what prompted you to go NC with OW and work on your marriage? Did something happen or did you just decide it was time to make a decision?

 

-------------

 

You may ask.

 

I left my wife and two kids about a month and a half ago, having decided that the OW was the woman for me. By the next day, I was regretting it worse than I've ever regretted anything, and over the course of the next two weeks, I broke off contact with the OW and convinced my wife I wanted to come home and was committed to our marriage.

 

To this day, I'm not sure if I made the right decision. I question why I wanted to come back and wonder if it really wasn't all about the kids. I told my T this and she told me it didn't really matter why I wanted to be back, so long as I continued to work to rebuild my marriage.

 

Anyway, almost from the moment I went back home, I have been missing the OW badly. I think of her all the time and often find myself wondering about what-ifs. I have managed to keep from breaking NC by convincing myself it is just an addiction and that it would never work out with me and the OW anyway, because such relationships seldom do.

 

But I have to admit, I'm not totally convinced of that just yet, and I'm starting to get impatient. If I miss her as much today as ever -- and I do -- does that mean this is more than an addiction? Could it be real?

[pkn06002]

If it was real or not let it go.

 

Decided what YOU need to do first.

 

If you are "meant" to be with her (whoever she is) you will be.

[Confoozed]

Withdrawl is dependent upon several factors.

 

The length of the affair. The frequency and emotional depth of the communications. Personality and support system of the person going through withdrawl.

 

 

------------------

 

Of course. And of course, in my case, it would seem to all add up to something that's going to be very hard to get over.

 

The affair lasted two years. The connection was very strong and the communication frequent (up to 80 emails a day) and extremely intimate. We shared everything. And it was fun, too. And when we were physically together, well, nothing could compare...it seems.

 

As for personality, I'm a fairly introspective person whose professional life is dependent on me be outgoing, so I cherish close, relatively exclusive personal connections in my non-work life. The OW gave me that in spades and that's one of the reasons the connection was so strong.

 

And a support system? I'm going to a T, who doubles as a MC, so that has helped a little. But I don't really have anyone else I can trust to lay all this on. That's where this forum could come in handy, I guess. I did tell my wife last week how I was feeling and that I was missing the OW, because I wanted her to understand that the strain between us was at least as much about me as about how she's feeling. She understood but has had a lot of trouble coming to terms with the notion that I still harbour deep feelings for -- or at least am addicted to -- the OW.

 

Anyway, it would seem to me that these factors will make it all the harder to get through this. Anyone have any tips?

[pkn06002]

Here is something that will eventually dawn on you and help.

 

She is not special, yes she may feel that way now but she was not. You can always find someone like she was you just need to look. So even though she may feel like she was the total package, you can find another one.

 

Or you can even get that with your wife if you can accept what she has to offer you.

 

Either way you need to detox and determine what you missing and what caused you to stray in the first place.

 

It is just a painful process. I filled a whole journal and wrote in it day after day until I just no longer needed it.

[blinded]

------------------

Anyway, it would seem to me that these factors will make it all the harder to get through this. Anyone have any tips?

 

 

Yes, listen to pkn and DON't make contact like I just did! Immediately after I sent it I wanted to take it back. AArRGH! Now instead of thinking of days away from him, I'm counting the minutes. I hate myself. I 'm wondering why he hasn't contacted me back (it's only been 20 min). But I know the answer. I know he reads it immediately. His silence is his answer and I feel like a big fat @ss.

 

Wondering about OW is not as bad as outwardly being rejected. Save yourself the pain and be w/the one who wants you, your W.

 

I just can't accept that after 1 1/2 years it's over without any explanation. I have no support system. It was an A after all, so nobody knows what I'm going through. This forum is it, this is all I have.

[whichwayisup]

Quote by Jasperlynx (Jasperlinx) from another thread...I think the quote is quite fitting and it's something confoozed, you NEED to be aware of - BIG TIME.

 

"you know the devil you have..but you dont know the devil you gonna get"

 

You're so caught up in the "what if's" and the fantasy you've created, put this OW on a pedistool, like she's perfect, her sh*t doesn't stink, NO wonder you're having trouble letting go.

 

You do NOT know her, you only know the "fun" side of her.

 

Now, if you think you love her, then END your marriage and be alone. Figure out if you want to make a life with the OW...Don't stay in your marriage as a back up because right now that is exactly what you're doing ON the expense of your wife.

 

Are you even trying to do anything to push the thoughts of the OW out of your head? Have you joined a gym, put that energy into something else? Playing a sport that you love, or starting a project that will keep you busy?

 

Once you decide to truly let go of the OW and make every effort to rid of the thoughts, the fantasies, the hopes - Only then will you be able to focus on your wife. Until then, you're stuck in limbo because I don't think you're sure you want to be married to your wife anymore. You're letting intense crushlike feelings rule and take over what you have with your wife - Long lasting supportive love.

[cherrymoon]

Blinded PM me anytime. It is the immediate response you need I know but it is a start.

Say anything. I am cold. I am happy, I am sad. Seriously it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. just take one day at a time. It is worse when you Break NC and they respond because you end up right back in the affair.

Be thankful that he wants more For You.

 

[pkn06002]

Confoozed want to know a way to workout your feelings AND forget the OW?

 

Fight about the causes of infidelity with BS, that gives you something else to concentrate on. Then one day you will just not think "she" is all that special anymore. Once you detox you can decide what you want in your life your wife or to be single.

 

But you do need to find something to occupy your mind. Since describing your interactions with her, idle time is your enemy since that was the time you would talk with her.

 

You could try to reach out to your wife instead but I will cation you that me just make you jones for the OW more since your wife is not her. But for some people that works, for me it did not.

[Confoozed]

Seriously it takes 3 weeks to break a habit.

 

---------

 

I've been NC for a month. That's longer than three weeks. I don't feel like the habit is anywhere close to being broken. What gives?

 

And, whichwayisup, yes, I have been making an effort to keep myself busy. I do sports, I do stuff with my kids, I even go on dates with my wife again. Apart from the nights I'm on the ice playing hockey, though, the OW is always in my head. What can I do to get her out of there?

 

And here's a thought: We talk about these things being addictions. Don't people in regular relationships go through the same thing after breakups? Are we just convincing ourselves it's an addiction, knowing that time has a way of helping us get past anything eventually? Could it be these things can be real? Or am I delusional? (I realize I'm setting myself up with that last question.)

[Owl]

Confoozed want to know a way to workout your feelings AND forget the OW?

 

Fight about the causes of infidelity with BS, that gives you something else to concentrate on. Then one day you will just not think "she" is all that special anymore. Once you detox you can decide what you want in your life your wife or to be single.

 

But you do need to find something to occupy your mind. Since describing your interactions with her, idle time is your enemy since that was the time you would talk with her.

 

You could try to reach out to your wife instead but I will cation you that me just make you jones for the OW more since your wife is not her. But for some people that works, for me it did not.

 

You're suggesting that her best bet to is to fight about what caused the cheating in the first place?!?!?!?

 

What kind of silliness is this?

[pkn06002]

You're suggesting that her best bet to is to fight about what caused the cheating in the first place?!?!?!?

 

What kind of silliness is this?

 

It is called a distraction, to keep her(?) mind on something else, which does help with the withdrawals.

 

Nothing like a good discussion to help keep your mind focused and off other thoughts.

[Confoozed]

pkn, what's your story?

 

Seems to me there might be something in your experience that could shed light on where I'm at.

 

You can post it on this thread or send me a PM; whatever works.

[blinded]

---------

 

I've been NC for a month. That's longer than three weeks. I don't feel like the habit is anywhere close to being broken. What gives?

 

And, whichwayisup, yes, I have been making an effort to keep myself busy. I do sports, I do stuff with my kids, I even go on dates with my wife again. Apart from the nights I'm on the ice playing hockey, though, the OW is always in my head. What can I do to get her out of there?

 

And here's a thought: We talk about these things being addictions. Don't people in regular relationships go through the same thing after breakups? Are we just convincing ourselves it's an addiction, knowing that time has a way of helping us get past anything eventually? Could it be these things can be real? Or am I delusional? (I realize I'm setting myself up with that last question.)

 

I think the distractions are good but only a temporary fix. Whether it be fighting, playing, exercising, etc. But it's almost like a band aid on an open wound (at least it feels like it now). I too considered him my addiction. But I think I was truly denying the fact that I had feelings for someone other than my H. I know that my feelings are real. I know because I've finally been able to cry. If it were a different time, different situation-maybe. I don't think you're delusional about things.

[pkn06002]

pkn, what's your story?

 

Seems to me there might be something in your experience that could shed light on where I'm at.

 

You can post it on this thread or send me a PM; whatever works.

 

Oh dude just search on my name, I have plenty of posts at this point.

 

It is interesting that several WS have commented that my story seems to fit theirs. Even though I have been told several times times here that my outlook is not the norm.

[cadmus]

I realised the other day that I thought OW was the most special person in the world, perfect in every way and my soul mate because I had to think like that to justify to myself the reasons for being in the A.

 

It makes sense to me I never really examined her faults or personality or saw anything negative in her as I would not allow myself to. I was only in the A because there was this amazing force pushing us together that neither of us could resist!

 

What a load of s*it feel like an idiot now for ever thinking like that. We are both bad bad people for getting into it and there was no justifiable reason for it to happen

 

I am 3.5 months after D DAY and the first 2 months hurt like hell you are dealing with a double whammy of missing OW and feeling guilty about what you have done. I saw my son take his first steps and realised that I could have missed it. I took my daugher to school on her first day and realised I could have lost that to.

 

I went away for the weekend with my W and started to recapture the spark we had and memories of when we first met came flooding back and do you know what? It was more magical than anything I ever had with OW.

 

So yes there is light at the end of the tunnel and the pain of withdrawal does not last for ever. Sometimes I miss the jokey stuff OW and I used to do but we killed our friendship the day we decided to take things further.

 

Missing OP gets easier with time but the guilt is starting to grow and grow in me I need to find a way to forgive myself before R can start but I can see no way of doing that at the moment

[smile711]

Confoozed-It's OK to think that OW might have been the one for you but you can't decide that without time (alone) to figure that out. And it is absolutely possible that what you two had was real love...why couldn't it have been? I believe me and xMM had real love. But we don't anymore. He made some terrible decisions other than getting involved in an A. He left home and moved in with me for 4 months and it was good. We talked, worked, went on vacation, and yes, even fought. It wasn't a fairy tale-and I'm glad it wasn't. It showed me more than anything that our feelings were real. He went back home to his W (no kids) because his family wouldn't talk to him or have him around because he left his W. The fact remains-we loved each other very much but it didn't work out. The bottom line is that you only have 2 options right now-work on your marriage or leave your marriage and spend time alone. PLEASE do not involve your OW in any decision. The pain that I felt the day that he went back to his W was unlike anything I have ever experienced and the recovery was long and brutal and it goes on every day. Don't leave your W and go to the OW. It's a bad situation all around. If you want to leave, OK, but maintain NC with OW until things are over with your W. Then, and only then, will you be 100% available to anyone.

[cherrymoon]

Coonfuzed I was I kinda joking about the three weeks. That is what we are told it takes 3 weeks to break the habit.

It took me a long time don't know how long but in March I just said no more changed my number and it was a relief.

 

It takes patience and time and positive thinking.

 

Cadmus I am where you are and the guilt is killing me. Really hurting.

Marriage is getting stronger everyday, sometimes we have bad days but there is no one running out the door.

 

I pity the feelings you are having and I hope they don't get worse.

I feel exactly the same about Om as you do about OW

 

Good luck with your family

[taylor]

Hi Confoozed,

 

I am 8 months post D-day. My emotional affair was 7 months long, but knew the OM for a year.

 

Withdrawals are the price and punishment we pay for getting involved in an affair. The symptoms are the same as anyone losing a love relationship, but can be far more intense.

 

Everybody's withdrawal is a little different, but many elements are shared. It's a process..a grieving process..a letting go process...a process whereby your head takes control over your heart.

 

The symptoms:

 

Depression - I fell into acute depression the day the EA ended. I couldn't function. Couldn't even leave the house for days. Took anti-depressants for 2 months to cope.

 

Anxiety - A combination of guilt, frustration, despair and confusion all rolled into one. I wanted to either climb the walls or beat something up. Took anti-anxiety meds for 1 month to cope.

 

Sadness/Grief - You will grieve this loss as well as the loss of your marriage as it was. What do you do? Cry alot. There are healing powers in a good cry. Did you know that? Get angry with yourself, with the situation. It's OK. Anger can give you strength to make necessary changes in your life.

 

I don't think there is alot you can do to speed the process of withdrawal. But there are things you can do to cope:

 

Cry.

 

Exercise. It produces feel-good brain chemicals to offset the negative emotions you are feeling.

 

Stay busy with family and friends. You have kids. Put your energy and passion in them for now.

 

Take up a new hobby or start a new project - Something you have to put your mind into.

 

All of these things will serve as distractions. They won't magically remove the OW from your head, and certainly not from your heart, but they will help to put her on the backburner for periods of time. And as time goes on, you will be able to push her farther and farther from the forefront of your brain.

 

Deal with the fantasies/memories - This is one of my greatest challenges. As long as you focus on fantasies and memories, you will keep feeling the "high", and that keeps the affair "alive." The good news is that as time goes on, these fantasies and memories won't be able to produce that intense "high" any longer. The memories and fantasies will start to blurr and the feelings will start to fade. But it takes time.

 

Deal with the triggers...things, places, etc. that remind you of the OW. Some can't be avoided. But some can. Get rid of any momentos you have. Avoid places you've been with the OW, music you listened to...avoid anything that triggers strong memories of the OW. These triggers only serve to bring you back to a state of limbo with regard to your feelings for the OW.

 

Deal with the emotional overload by keeping a journal. Write it all down. Everything. It's a fantastic therapeautic tool. Here you can let it all out. Get angry. Get sad. Get remorseful. Kick yourself in the butt. Set goals. Reflect on who you are, what happened, where you want to go from here. And months from now you can look back and see how far you have come.

 

And the most important thing you can do is stay NC. If you break that, you go back to day one recovery. Hang in there.