Here's my story...

[101Man]

Hi - I'm new to the forum, sad, confused and willing to do what it takes to save what my wife and I might still have.

 

I carry some of the weight of her affair; for years she has complained of a "lack of intimacy" between us. Sadly, I looked at it as putting blame on me for our far-too-infrequent intimate moments.

 

I work 3 jobs, she's spent the last two years working overnights and we have three children, too. No excuses, we both should've worked harder and finding time together. Last month, I noticed her being far too cold toward me for a number of days. At first, I thought she was simply angry over something, then I thought it was job-stress. I finally asked her about it and she said she had given up on me giving her the emotional needs she has. I was too hard-headed to realize the affair was going on.

 

Trying to make up for lost time, I tried to spend more time with her - but she still seemed cold. She finally switched to day shift at the beginning of September but came home over an hour late every evening. After two weeks of extended late stays at work, I asked her if this was going to be the case permanently and she exploded at me. Normally a mild mannered, caring person, her response finally made me realize what was going on. I checked her cell phone records and discovered she was having an affair with a co-worker. I questioned her on it and she admitted to it.

 

We've been working on it with MC for a couple of weeks now and our marriage has probably been better than it has ever been. To her credit, she has welcomed MC as well as intimacy with me on a regular basis ever since and it has been awesome.

 

Last night, with her shift ending at 7, I didn't hear from her for 45 minutes. I called her work and the person said she had most likely left on time. She arrived home an hour and 15 minutes after her shift ended. I told her about the call and she got very angry with me. She adamantly stated she was still at work, begged me to call the security guard as well as her relief as to when she left. Of course, now I'm feeling terrible about making her angry, but I'm confused as to why she is upset with me - considering the cirucmstances.

 

Anyway, it's left feelings of doubt about her honesty and our ability to talk about "where she is" in our relationship. I still have high hopes we can work it out. She still works with the OM and that makes it extremely hard - but I'm trying to deal with it. We have another MC session tomorrow. Hopefully, it'll be a postive meeting. I love her and truly believes she still loves me. Guess I'm looking for some support more than feedback - but....regardless, I feel better getting it off my chest. Thanks, all!

[whichwayisup]

So, did you call the security guard? I would've, call her bluff!!

 

She's upset because she knows she's about to be busted, so she's trying to turn it around on you, like YOU'RE the crazy one, YOU'RE the one who is in the wrong, when infact, it's her.

 

I suggest you either get a trusted friend to start following her, or hire a PI. Install a keylogger onto her computer and track what she's been up to online. Get her phone records, (cell) and see what her usage is.

 

Fact that she still works with the OM is not good..She should've quit that job, working with him is making things harder and making you trust her less.

[Bryanp]

It seems pretty obvious that you busted her. I do hope you contacted the security person. As long as she is working with the OM the probability of the affair continuing is pretty strong. If the OM is married or has a girlfriend it is absolutely that his spouse or girlfriend should be contacted at once. Exposure is absolutely essential. If you do not expose and allow her to continue to work with the OM then you will be fighting a losing cause. In addition, you both need to be tested for STD's.

 

Good Luck.

[101Man]

No, I didn't call her bluff. I actually believe her. She was so adamant that I call the security guard - or her relief that I don't believe she would've bluffed that. I know, I know.....call me crazy.

 

I will try to be more active in making sure she's where she says she is. We truly have been getting along so well - I don't want to believe she is lying about it.

[Reggie]

First, stop beating yourself up for the pre-affair condition of your marriage.You both were working a lot and bote were responsible for the lack of intimacy. BUT, yiu did not cheat, did you?

Frankly, your wife is acting very abusively. Affairs are cosidered the most severe form of spousal emotional abuse. And, her continued anger and lack of accountablility are abusive and demonstrating a lock of remorse.

You sure it's worth it to stay with someone this abusive?

Get some individual therapy to help you sort through this. Also, don't trust your wife at this point. Her outrage re your questioning her whereabouts is a classic behavior of an active cheater using the "best defense is an offense" method. It is textbook.

[101Man]

I want to trust her. We have been getting along incredibly well the last 10 days - until I questioned her last night. To answer your question, no...I have never been with another woman since I married her.

 

I guess I'm looking for a reason - other than the one mentioned as to why it would make her angry that I would question her. She could honestly be extremely frustrated that she was accused when we were getting along so well. That can be a helpless feeling. I dunno.....I want it to work out so badly. It's such a sickening feeling.

[whichwayisup]

Why do you think you're getting along so easily? Is it because of your efforts, or hers? Please, take some time and think about your answer because 'everything was fine until you questioned her' seems sketchy. IF she truly had nothing to hide, then wouldn't she be understanding to your insecure feelings, or mistrust? Wouldn't she WANT to be an open book to you, show you in everyway that she's not doing something behind your back?

 

Here's something. ASK her to quit her job so she doesn't have to work with the OM anymore. Watch her reaction closely, see how she'll quickly deflect the blame (you need to trust her more etc) and also tell you she cannot quit her job, especially right now.

 

The A may be over, the physical part, but fact is, she sees this guy everyday and IF she has feelings left for him, those feelings are being fed daily. That's a cancer to your marriage.

[Bryanp]

She should be doing everything to regain your trust. You blindly wish to believe everything she is telling you. Please consider that your wife for an extended period of time had been having sex with another man behind your back, lying to you about it and putting your health at risk for STD's. Clearly she has been pretty good at it. You respond by wishing to believe that your wife is a very honest person and would never lie to you again?......What is wrong with this picture?

 

She was angry with you because she again came home an hour and 15 minutes late from her shift which is when she was in the past screwing this other man and she was angry with you for question her after a person at work told you she left on time?.......What is wrong with this picture?

 

She has played you, humiliated you, betrayed you and you are feeling guilty about questioning or even challenging her?.....What is wrong with this picture? You have not exposed the affair to the OM's spouse or girlfriend?....What is wrong with this picture? You both have not been tested for STD's?.....What is wrong with this picture? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Clearly her actions has shown she had no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think she would be so timid as you have been? Good luck because you will need if if you continue in your attitude.

[norajane]

No, I didn't call her bluff. I actually believe her. She was so adamant that I call the security guard - or her relief that I don't believe she would've bluffed that. I know, I know.....call me crazy.

 

I will try to be more active in making sure she's where she says she is. We truly have been getting along so well - I don't want to believe she is lying about it.

 

Did you ever ask her where she was having her affair? Was it at work?

 

Perhaps she wants you to call the security guard because she may have left her job on time, but she may not have left the building until after she saw the OM.

 

Now is not the time for blind trust. Call her out on this during MC tomorrow. She's lying to you. That's what her angry reaction is about. She likes things getting better at home, but she also likes what she's getting from OM. So, she's still seeing him while making up with you. And she's frustrated because you no longer have blind faith in why she's late, like you used to. She's realizing she can't get away with having an affair and you.

 

Talk to her about this in MC.

[whichwayisup]

I carry some of the weight of her affair; for years she has complained of a "lack of intimacy" between us. Sadly, I looked at it as putting blame on me for our far-too-infrequent intimate moments.

 

No, you carry some of the weight of the problems in the marriage, not her choice to cheat. No matter how bad a marriage is, it's still a choice to cheat and she did that on her own. She had MANY other options and choices, yet she chose one that suited HER best. So please, don't make yourself accountable for her choice to cheat on you.

[101Man]

I certainly intend to bring it up in MC tomorrow. I'll post how it goes.

[pelicanpreacher]

I wouldn't put too much stock in the words of her security guard or relief for they both work with her and may be inclined to lie on her behalf. She must seek employment elsewhere pronto for her continued physical proximity to the OM will constantly remain an issue in your recovery until he is permanently out of the picture.

[In Like Flynn]

Why is she still working with the OM??? And why did she say was the reason for coming late again that time??? Get her out of there or you have no chance!!!

[showmethemoney]

Sorry wrong post!

[101Man]

Her reason for working late was pretty legit; she's an RN and it was a tough day. Reports can take quite a while. I brought it up after MC yesterday and she said she didn't handle the questioning well and would try to do better. They have had some issues with her medical facility and some of the practices - I do tend to believe she could very well have been working late and believe it could've just been frustration that led to her anger. I'm really not trying to defend her...just stating it's a possibility. We've truly been doing great otherwise. She's been incredibly giving, kind and the intimacy has been the best it's been in forever. For me, the only thing now is the OM at her work. He's there maybe once or twice a week (I know, I know...it doesn't matter how many times.) I'm going to start a little intensive snooping and see if it leads anywhere. I haven't done anything remotely "exposure related" yet, so we'll see what happens.

[Reggie]

What, she doesn't know how to use the phone to call if she will be late? Look, she knows that you are aware her affair took place after work. How insensitive is this woman , knowing she is staying late and the discovery was so recent? Makes no sense unless she has cognitive disabilities.

[SRV]

Remember back when we were teenagers and wanted to get something out of our parents? We would always play nice and take care of things at home right in front of our parents to soften their hearts.

 

She is playing you. She is being nice to you at home so that you do not question her whereabouts when she comes home late and will in a heartbeat flip the script to make you have a gulity conscience.

 

I have always been against the PI, keyloggers et al. How long will you keep playing detective in a marriage instead of spouse/father to your wife/kids.

 

If she wants to cheat, no amount of PI work, keyloggers will stop her from doing it. You need to decide whether this is worth saving, whether you want to be with a liar/cheat for the rest of your life. Trust me, this whole thing is cyclical and again inf future if she feels that her "emotional" needs are not being met, what is to guarantee that she will not stray again? Past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior. Good luck!