I can't get over my husband's affair

[PrettyCatEyes]

This is new to me, so please bear with me. Just some background; I'm 28 years old, my husband is 29. We've been married for 2 years, together for 3. We have 2 children together, ages 2 years and 3 months. I also have boy and girl twins who are now 7, and love my husband like their father. I love my husband with all my heart. September 12th, 2008, my world shattered when he confessed to me via e-mail that he'd had an affair. He lied to me about when it ended. I found this information out by the cell phone records, where there were over 150 calls in the span of about one month; with the day my son being born right in the middle. He even called her while in the hospital while they were prepping me for my C-Section. He had said the affair ended a couple weeks before my son was born. The phone records cleared up this lie.

He then refused to tell me who she was. He said the less I knew, the better, and not knowing details would cause me less pain. As if. I found out who she was because he re-added her to his myspace account after telling me of the affair. At first he seemed as though he didn't want the marriage to last, and called my reaction to the news "crazy." We are now in counseling, and I thought it had been helping. But I can't seem to get it out of my mind. I keep telling myself he deserves ONE chance, because I love him and because my kids deserve that one chance as well. But images of the calls, texts, and physical act keep making themselves up in my mind. It kills me to think of the times he would call, she would call, and when they would be together. Especially the phone call the day my son was born. It also kills me he had the affair at work, during his lunch hour, and he works there still.

I think I should give him credit for telling me about it. He is now very remorseful and assures me he loves me and it was a stupid mistake.

Any advise would be so much appreciated. I'm a sensitive and loving soul; I need as many words as I can get. Men...why do you cheat on women who are faithful and give you their hearts?

[quistisister]

I really, really feel for you. I cannot believe what you have been through, if men understood childbirth and pregnancy,they would do very well..

 

I think that your man admitting is a good thing, but if he was truly remorceful he would have not re added this woman to his account or lied to you about when it had ended.

 

I agree that you need to try and work through for your children, but you also need to think about yourself, do you want to be miserable for the rest of your life? Will you be if you stay with him? You may NEVER be able to forget this and with good reason.

 

If Your husband is not working 110% to win back your trust, love and affection which you have clearly showered upon him, then he is not even anywhere near trying.

 

Personally I would scrap the internet, take it away from him and say it is what you need, if he truly love you, he will do anything to keep you and his babies... He really will

[Geishawhelk]

Are you absolutely, completely 100% sure he has cut off contact with this woman?

Are you absolutely, completely 100% sure he is totally remorseful and would walk over hot coals and broken glass to repair what he has done?

 

Because he will have to take as long as it takes - to rebuild the trust and connection between you, even if it takes a lifetime.

 

Only if you can freely and with no hesitation, answer the two top questions with a resounding "yes!!" will this ever have a chance of moving forward.

Because, hard as he works to regenerate the love and trust you once had - you have to ensure you don't keep throwing it in his face and beating him round the head with it.

 

If however, there is even the remotest glimmer of uncertainty and disbelief in your responses - it's not going to work.

All the MC in the world will ever be able to change your mind - and heart - if he has wrecked them to that extent.

[Lizzie60]

I find it strange that he confessed in the first place.. did he felt threaten by her... did he say why he confessed?

 

From what I read.. I doubt he's honest about this... if he was, he would have cut all contacts with her.. it's simple as that.

[PrettyCatEyes]

He says he told me because he felt extremely guilty. The phone calls did stop after I found out. He says they now avoid each other at work. They'd had sex in the bathroom. I wish he could quit, but he's the only one working.

[crazycow2008]

Be very careful Thread.

My husband too had an affair,however, I found out because the woman decided to get herself pregnant to try and keep him. I have two daughters and he now has three. After separting for 9 months, I decided to give it another go as my daughters, I thought, needed him etc...as we do! He promised me too that contact would stop and that only contact with her would be via email which I could read too and that it woud be about the child etc. Anyway, I have, just two years later, found out that the lies continiued and just today have found more evidence that now proves that he is still sleeping with her - or started again.

My point is...if you do decide to take him back and work through it, be very careful not to loose the communication that you must go through to work it out. Keep working on the marriage and take nothing for granted, including his honesty. And more importantly, regardless of which path you take, remember, this was not your fault.

[whichwayisup]

They'd had sex in the bathroom. I wish he could quit, but he's the only one working.

 

He can quit and he SHOULD quit if he wants to save the marriage. He CAN find another job or ask for a transfer somewhere else, depending on the type of work he does.

 

Is he willing to do marriage counselling with you?

[stampdaddy]

He can quit and he SHOULD quit if he wants to save the marriage. He CAN find another job or ask for a transfer somewhere else, depending on the type of work he does.

 

Is he willing to do marriage counselling with you?

 

you are starting to sound like OWL.... heee heeeeee hooooo:p

[PrettyCatEyes]

He can quit and he SHOULD quit if he wants to save the marriage. He CAN find another job or ask for a transfer somewhere else, depending on the type of work he does.

 

Is he willing to do marriage counselling with you?

 

He can find another job, but unfortunately, with his skill set he needs to have a security clearance, which we have been waiting for for over a year. The jobs that don't require a clearance are in other states. I don't know if I can leave my home to follow someone who has betrayed me so enormously.

 

We are currently in counseling. It helps while we are there. But then I seem to allow it to enter my mind again. I don't know if I'm a masochist and want to be hurt so I continue to let the images flood my mind.

 

He assures me she avoid him as much as he does her, because she knows I know who she is and where to find her. He does seem to show genuine regret. I so want to believe him, more than even he knows. But it just hurts soooo bad.

[PrettyCatEyes]

Be very careful Thread.

Anyway, I have, just two years later, found out that the lies continiued and just today have found more evidence that now proves that he is still sleeping with her - or started again.

My point is...if you do decide to take him back and work through it, be very careful not to loose the communication that you must go through to work it out. Keep working on the marriage and take nothing for granted, including his honesty. And more importantly, regardless of which path you take, remember, this was not your fault.

 

i'm so sorry you went through that. Unfortunately, I more than understand your pain. We are really trying to work it out. I know I have to trust him, but I will never trust so blindly again.

[dannydrifter]

Men...why do you cheat on women who are faithful and give you their hearts?

 

Because some of us are stupid, and crazy, and don't care for the feelings of others.

[Curmudgeon]

Men...why do you cheat on women who are faithful and give you their hearts?

 

That should be "mAn," not "mEn." My wife is faithful. My wife loves me and has given me her heart. I would never cheat on her. If I wanted to be with another I would end the marriage first.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

It is going to be very hard to forget. The only way for you to even start to forget is to have him complete cut off ALL contact, no MySpace, no cellphone number, etc. He is going to need to start avoid certain activies that he might of taken for granted before. And he may have to live with a curfew and a required call if he is going to be late. This is still fresh to you right now, but you can and will learn to forgive and forget in time, only if you want to.

 

 

DNR

Much blessings and wishes to you.

[pocahontas69]

I am 39 married for 20 years found out in August my husband was cheating with a lady he works with I to was told it as over but the calls and text were still happening a month later I found out and flipped... he was only talking to her NO sex and the sex was once or twice a month during lunch or before work.

He to still works there and I struggle with that but economy is so bad he cant quit with out a job 1st. He works for a small company so he see's her every day it sucks...

We have been in counceling 3 months and are doing well the but I to think of it all the time it drives me nuts he swears and crys and tells me he is sorry almost everyday I do beleive its over BUT I am so scared to trust again we have been together since age 15 so not only did he have a afair but we had both only been with each other and now thats gone to and he was with her on our 20th anniversary while I thought he was working.

Did you husband say why he cheated?? You guys are still newlyweds..

Mine had gained weight and has ED and we were in a rut of only doing family stuff together we never talked much never watched tv together so we were drifted apart It was both of us who caused the afair BUT he had the afair but who I blame the most is the whore she came onto him I saw the emails and text she knew he was married she met me and my 6 year old son and even took money from us when the bank raised money for her what a scum bag... YES he should have said NO but a women who does this to another women is sick,I dont trust her and never will and I am starting to trust my husband but scared I have all his passwords and email acounts so I can check but I hate that its like that now.

 

I hope you are doing better how long has it been

 

PS: Oh and you said he called her while you had the baby mine called her or she called him while I was with my mom having open heart surgery

This is new to me, so please bear with me. Just some background; I'm 28 years old, my husband is 29. We've been married for 2 years, together for 3. We have 2 children together, ages 2 years and 3 months. I also have boy and girl twins who are now 7, and love my husband like their father. I love my husband with all my heart. September 12th, 2008, my world shattered when he confessed to me via e-mail that he'd had an affair. He lied to me about when it ended. I found this information out by the cell phone records, where there were over 150 calls in the span of about one month; with the day my son being born right in the middle. He even called her while in the hospital while they were prepping me for my C-Section. He had said the affair ended a couple weeks before my son was born. The phone records cleared up this lie.

He then refused to tell me who she was. He said the less I knew, the better, and not knowing details would cause me less pain. As if. I found out who she was because he re-added her to his myspace account after telling me of the affair. At first he seemed as though he didn't want the marriage to last, and called my reaction to the news "crazy." We are now in counseling, and I thought it had been helping. But I can't seem to get it out of my mind. I keep telling myself he deserves ONE chance, because I love him and because my kids deserve that one chance as well. But images of the calls, texts, and physical act keep making themselves up in my mind. It kills me to think of the times he would call, she would call, and when they would be together. Especially the phone call the day my son was born. It also kills me he had the affair at work, during his lunch hour, and he works there still.

I think I should give him credit for telling me about it. He is now very remorseful and assures me he loves me and it was a stupid mistake.

Any advise would be so much appreciated. I'm a sensitive and loving soul; I need as many words as I can get. Men...why do you cheat on women who are faithful and give you their hearts?

[LakesideDream]

Wow, this one is absolutely disgusting. Usually I try to see both sides before offering an opinion, but in this one... phew! There is absolutely no excuse for cheating on a pregnant woman. Two years married? Two kids with him and he's banging a chick on the side? Holy crap.

 

Lady I feel for you you are in the jackpot of the decade. What to do?

 

If you were my daughter, (and that's possible, my daughter is 29) I'd tell you to pack your stuff (or I'd come and help you) and come to live in my shack until we could figure out how you were going to survive. I'd also talk to your dirtbag husband and read him from the book. Chapter one would be don't ever darken my door. Chapter two would be don't be late with a child support check or I'll come and collect. Chapter three would be don't contest the divorce or custody arraingements my daughter wants or someday soon they'll be spending your life insurance. But I'm old school.

 

I imagine we (society) are going to see more and more of this crap until the economy gets back to where it was a couple of years ago. Young moms with kids (4 !) are trapped these days. It's not going to get better either, at least for a long time. There is no reason whatever for you to stay with this crud dud... beyond the fear of starvation. I feel for you.

 

Keep posting. Use your posts for a journal if you like. Write down everything. Believe me you are going to need the record.

 

Good luck, for what that's worth.

[Reggie]

I know exactly what you mean about this pcking at the scab thing, the constant revisiting of the thoughts that cause you pain. I am not sure why we do it, why our minds seem to want to torture us with these thoughts. Perhaps it is to ready us for what we must live with for the rest of our lives. Or, more likely, it is some futile attempt to come to some understanding of something we can never understand, reconciling what we thought existed with what is reality.

It is so hard to wrap one's brain around this. The WS professes love and remorse, that it was a mistake, when we know it was intentional.

Most folks do not get over this, sorry. It becomes less intense, as all pain like this does over time. There will be a time when it does not consume you, as it does early on.But, it remains ,to some extent.

Everyone is wired differently in terms of the ability to let it go to some degree.

I think the best advice I heard was to take a good amount of time and get indivdual therapy to see if I could get past this. You simply cannot know your ability to do so this early. Your brain is overloaded, your emotions just too high and raw.

Seek therapy and support from those close to you. Don't expect too much of yourself for a good long time. If you can lay off some responsibilities, do so. If you can get away to think,do so. Treat yourself very gently for a good long time.

You've been dealt a tremendous blow, a blow many therapists consider one of the worst of life's traumas.

Many folks that have not been through this, have not a clue how hurtful it is and you will need the support of people that understand.

That's about all I can say. There are people that have been there and made it through, scarred but happy. This is true regardless of whether you stay with him or decide you need to let this relationship go.

And, be very clear that nothing you did or did not do caused your H to do this.

[beyondsad]

Reggie- well put! It is so bizarre that we can not control how our mind works. How in the middle of the busy day your mind takes you back to the hurt and you dwell on it. This is by far the hardest thing to control. At 12 weeks out I still am struggling sometimes so bad. My heart goes out to all when I read these stories (and my own ) of deception. I truly beleive in karma I only hope we get to witness it first hand when it comes to call on these liars and cheaters!!! Hang in there Pretty cat eyes your kids need you and you will get thru this.

[sylviaguardian]

I feel for you hun, I really do. I was in your shoes 3 years ago. The best advice I can give to you at this stage is not to think 'when will I get over this' or 'what do i do'. Those questions are not for now. At the moment the best advice I got was to look after yourself. Sounds strange but forget about all the rest of it just now. You need to come to terms with this and it takes time.

 

Find someone to talk to about this (or several people). You're gonna need support. Concentrate on your kids and you. It is strange that your husband confessed (although it is certainly commedable). I wonder why he did that. As for the lying, from my experience cheaters lie, lie, lie until evidence is front of their face. Go with your gut instinct. If he looks like he is lying, just calmly tell him that you think he is lying. Some people recommend marriage counselling right away. I'm not sure about this. My own experience told me that I had to come to terms with things and get things straight in my head before any working on the marriage could happen. I know when I went to counselling with my WS, he lied all the way through it. Don't let him palm you off with 'it's better that you don't know'. You know what information you need and which information you don't and you have a right to that information. YOu need to know what was really going on in your life.

 

The reason why it keeps whirring around in your brain all the time is that your brain is trying to make sense of it all just now. That process takes a while unfortunately. Until you have a story that makes sense it won't stop. All I can say is that the information does become less shocking, less hurtful over time.

 

Don't think about making any decisions right now wlthough I agree with all the other posters - they must stop all contact. Is she married also? Does her partner know? I've seen so many stories on here where the cheater says they have stopped the affair, the couple is in counselling whilst it has all been carrying on.

You have to set firm boundaries and show him you mean it. Let him know that one more slip (however small) and he is out the door.

 

You've a long road in front of you. I feel for you right now and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't understand why some men do this either. It seems to be very common, however, for men to do this exactly when their wives are pregnant or just given birth. My own husband's affair started when i was pregnant. I just can't emphasise more that you have to look after yourself now. He's let you down horrendously and he's going to have to earn that second chance. Don't just give it to him.

[SRV]

He can quit and he SHOULD quit if he wants to save the marriage. He CAN find another job or ask for a transfer somewhere else, depending on the type of work he does.

 

Is he willing to do marriage counselling with you?

 

What makes you think that if he quits he will still not be contacting her? There are innovations such as cell phones, calling cards, alternate-email accounts et al you name it. He must want to do it, once a cheat, always a cheat.

 

He needs to feel the consequences of his behavior for there to be any worthwhile change, but then again, life is too short to be playing detective and wondering every minute of the hour what he might be doing pr not doing.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Konfuzion]

Wow, I feel for you. You have a lot going for you however like love, and the fact that he came to you about this. It sucks but it is going to take time for the pain to go away. Things your husband can do to help speed the process along are to apologies, ask for forgiveness, assure you it will not happen again, give you full access to his e-mail and cell phone and cut off all contact with her. I am afraid its time for him to find a new job as well. Best of luck to you.

[2sure]

As you read through posts here, you will find countless stories similar to your own. Unfortunately, you will also find many that experienced infidelity twice.

 

Unless the WS experiences consequences to his actions, you are the only victim here...and sadly, that is not enough of a motivator to make sure the betrayer doesnt continue.

 

There is necessary work the two of you have to do to put the marriage back together...and it can be done. MC is a good start, but not the be all end all to repair.

 

You have every single right, even an obligation, to have complete access to all of his email, passwords and cell phone records. This is not debateable. You arent doing it for you, you are doing it to save the marriage.

 

For him to tell you that he has spared you details, like who she is, to protect you...is a complete load of BS. He has not protected you, he has harmed you...now you have to protect yourself and your family from his poor choices until he can prove he has re-learned the right way to treat the people who love him and need him.

 

If the OW is married, her spouse must be told. If her spouse causes problems for your husband that is not your responsibility.

 

I know this all sounds harsh and maybe extreme..but I also know, first hand, that it is what works. Your husband will be furious, but what have you to lose??? I know first hand, and my H and I are well on our way to recovery...if not completely there.

[JustBreathe]

JenMel

 

Is the other woman married?

 

What do you know about her other than she works with your husband?

[gettingoverit719]

My story sound almost the same as yours. My husband was with a co-worker as well. I also had the phone bills showing all the calls back and forth. And, he also spent lunch and breaks with her. My husband is the love of my life and when I found out I think I spent the first 6 months in utter shock. I felt like the hurt was too much to handle. I spent many hours crying and went thru major depression. It has been 16 months since my husbands affair, and it still hurts. I finially made up my mind last night with it being New Years Eve to get rid of the phone bills( i kept them and would look at them from time to time) You need to think from the heart and decide what it is that you want. Do you want him in your life? If you do (and it's not easy) you need to start trying to put it behind you. And, what was missing in your marriage that he got from her and wasn't getting from you? I know that sounds kind of lame, but it had to be something or he wouldn't have strayed. For me, I thought we had a great marriage and things were good. But I was in a place where my husband was kind of put on the back burner ( I didn't realize it at the time) and I think he felt alone. So here was the other woman giving him attention and making his ego soar. I guess what I'm trying to say, is if you really love your husband maybe you should try. Let him know he has to be there when you feel like crying. You will have your good days and your bad. It's probably the hardest thing you will ever have to get over. Good Luck to you!

[vnqsh2001]

Men...why do you cheat on women who are faithful and give you their hearts?

 

Maybe for the same reason women do it too. Or maybe because we were burned by a woman in our past.

 

Hey, I feel your pain right now. I'm hurting much the same way and not just once.

[81West]

Wow, this one is absolutely disgusting. Usually I try to see both sides before offering an opinion, but in this one... phew! There is absolutely no excuse for cheating on a pregnant woman. Two years married? Two kids with him and he's banging a chick on the side? Holy crap.

 

This is certainly the gut reaction I think we'd all have. But I just wanted to offer something to the OP, in case it would offer any comfort at all: as per an article I posted here some time ago, 'pregnant wife' is one of the three main risk factors for those who have affairs. The other two were 'impulsive personality' and 'marital discord'. There may have been a fourth. It's certainly not intuitive - but it's something that is prevalent enough to have shown up near the top of the list in that study. So, OP, you are not alone, and I'm hoping that as you continue to work on forgiveness that it may help you in some way to understand that your husband engaged in something that many other men have before him. Perhaps somehow this can help the betrayal feel less devastatingly personal.

 

My own eventually devastating EA began when the MM's wife was about 5 months pregnant. It would be interesting to hear from men who have done this, and hear what the feelings and stressors were in their experience.