His "Helpful" Female Coworker

[PaperTiger]

My fiance & I are in need of immediate help or our relationship may not survive this test. He has a female coworker who decided to get involve with out (really MY) problem! My deceased x-husband really did a number on me without my knowledge. I must have been blind but I still don't see it when I look back, he just didn't fit the bill! Oh well, he had sex with my friends, out friends, strangers, hookers and even unpretected sex, I came to find out. This was taking place even before we were married and we were married about 8 years. I still don't believe it, but it is true! Well my life or past didn't even exist as I thought, I was living a dream or a lie! So when I finally came to find out I was shocked and scared to say the least. But I went on and in the divorce, I payed him to get out of my life and he got everything and I began again. I didn't know my past would arrise and rear it's ugly head as it has. I am so insecure and don't trust even myself. I have been seeing councelors and taking pills prescribed, but I am not even seeing a bit of hope. SO here goes my recent problems. My fiance seemed to be gone alot and I had thoughts of this coworker & him together. Not bad thoughts, just of them having fun together or whatever. I told him I was having problems and it maybe tied into my past. He had known my husband and I so he knew all there was, as I had filled him in and he had known us personally, he too was shocked by what my husband had been doing! Well things esculated and I seemed even more insecure and desperate along with having a lot of anger and this came out accussingly. Things lead up to me asking over the phone about my doubting he still had a picture of me out on his desk. We were both angry and he ended up hunging up on me. A little later he called me at my work and said to me, "Do you want to speak to "Gertrude?" (not his coworkers real name) and I said ya (not believing him or that she was there and he would even put her on the phone). Well "Gertrude" came on the phone and said to me, "Do you have any concerns?" I stated, "No, not with you". She then stated, "Just for your information, we are not dating". I then said, "Thank you". She added "And by the way, I like women and I am gay!" I was shocked to say the least! So I said, "Ya right you are, can I please speak to "Wally?",(not my fiance's real name). I asked "Wally" what was that all about why did she put me up on display like that? My god, the two of them were together and 3 other coworkers of his were there too. I knew she wasn't gay! But he said she handled it well and did't say anything wrong. I said yes she did, she lied for one thing. He said, "I am sorry you humilited yourself." Was that right? Days later he said, "She said something dumb about herself." That was when I asked, why she did she say she was gay when she was not. Another time I asked why she said that, he said it was her way of telling me they were not doing anything together. He changes his answer and is always defending her it seems to me. He says she didn't mean anything and was only helping. Well I asked him if that was so, why didn't she say my picture was out on his desk since this was how it started. Why didn't she get involved in a good, positive way since she took it on herself to get involved. Well this ate away at me so I called her and left a voicemail message. I stated that I had a husband who messed around with my friends, strangers, hookers and all. And because of such problems I was having problems, and I was sorry for that and maybe that made me a bad person. By that time I was crying on the phone and said that next time she took it upon herself to get involved with someone elses problems to do it in a positive way. Not lie and say something as dumb as she was gay and to do it in front of an audiance. It only added to my problems and she seemed to making fun of my pain by doing and saying what she had. I then hungup and told my fiance what I had done. He said oh, well. So the next day she went to him and played the message and said to him that her new boyfriend was having a problem with that and her boyfiend was concerned about the two of them too. At the same time they were taking together I called my boyfriend and he stated he could not talk to me because she was there. I said OK, I Love You. He would not say he loved me back, he just grunted and hung up. I was devistated since he seems to worship her and I don't exist if she's there with him. Well after work he came home and said that she had asked him to call her boyfriend because he had been concerned about their relationship. I asked him what he had said to her boyfriend. He said, But what else, I told him the Truth!" My god I about died, I cried and cried, I then asked why didn't I get the same. Why the hell had I gotten a stupid lie and he had definded it? She asked my fiance to fix it and of course he jumped to her aid. But she can say and do what ever she wants and that is OK, even when she knew how insecure I was and what she was doing. I just want to know was that right? Do I keep letting this eat me alive? I have problems why did she get involve and add more to my plate? I asked my fiance why didn't you say something stupid to her boyfiend, would that have help the two of them? He admits no wrong doing. HELP ME PLEASE, I AM DYING DAY BY DAY!

[Amb]

I think that you ought to trust him until you have proof that he is cheating on you. Don't let him ruin your life by making you all stressed out over him. If you have substantial evidence (such as someone telling you) that he is cheating on you...break up with him. I know its not that simple but there aren't a lot of good guys out there and maybe he is one of the bad ones.

[velvet]

You could do whats the easiest, and just get up and leave him. Tell him this has been killing you day by day. I dont think he fully understands just how hurt you are, and treats it like a joke.

 

Leave him, and see if he changes his attitude around. Otherwise, your just letting him get away with hurting you, and he will think its okay to do it again.

 

You have the power to control this situtation. Stop being the victim and take back control. Do you two live together? Pack up and move in with a friend or family member for a week or two, see how it affects him. It could give you the time to rethink and focus on what to do next.

 

In the meantime, you have to do something with your pain, either leave him, or get over it and go with your r/s.

 

I think that you ought to trust him until you have proof that he is cheating on you. Don't let him ruin your life by making you all stressed out over him. If you have substantial evidence (such as someone telling you) that he is cheating on you...break up with him. I know its not that simple but there aren't a lot of good guys out there and maybe he is one of the bad ones.

[BeenThere]

From one "burn victim" to another, I must say I can empathize with what you're going through completely.

 

First, as I've stated on this forum many times before to others in the same situation, there is no instant remedy or cure for your residual feelings of mistrust and paranoia when it comes to relationships and men. Although I commend your effort to seek professional help, there is no expert in the world who can convince you to trust again immediately...no miracle pill that will help you "forget" a bad experience from your past. Medication will only dull your anxieties and make you feel good temporarily, but drugs will not persuade you to be willing and ready to risk putting your heart on the line again&nor will it give you false confidence in your ability to trust your intuition. Only *time*, and LOTS of it, will heal the scars left over from your last relationship.

 

Which brings me to my next question:

 

How long after your break-up did you meet and become engaged to your current boyfriend? Did you give yourself adequate time to be by yourself?---To date around and test the waters a bit before becoming involved again?

 

As most of us know, there are no guarantees that the person we love will remain faithful and trustworthy till the end of time. We know, when entering ANY relationship, that we are taking a gamble. But we can not allow ourselves to be strangled by our fears that one day, this relationship too, will end up like the last. We have to accept that pain is often a part of the equation and can not be avoided. That sometimes we trust people who let us down, but there is no way to avoid this unless we shut ourselves off to the world outside forever. You must decide if its better to be alone for the rest of your life and avoid the risks of serious relationships, or if the search for ever-lasting love (if there is such a thing) is important enough for you to give it one more try.

 

My only advice to you comes from my own experience with the healing process. Don't be so eager to jump on the first train that comes along. Date as often, and as many people as you like, until you meet someone who is worth your extra time and effort. Learn to be more selective. Learn to trust your intuitions, but avoid being controlled by your fears. At the first sign that the person you're with is not "Mr. Wonderful"&if trust is not immediate or if something happens down the line that causes you to question his integrity&don't struggle with trying to dig up proof that you're just being paranoid. Simply, GET OUT!

 

Do not expend all your energies trying to find reasons to trust him. Already this relationship is proving to be unhealthy for you. You must become your own best friend, your own savior, and in the end the only cure for the doubt and mistrust that plagues you is to find a healthy relationship where issues like this are not prevalent. It will take some time, and you may have to endure a lot of a$$-holes along the way, but eventually you'll find someone who will *earn* your trust again.

 

Then, and ONLY then, will you finally be on your way to forgetting the painful memories from your past.

My fiance & I are in need of immediate help or our relationship may not survive this test. He has a female coworker who decided to get involve with out (really MY) problem! My deceased x-husband really did a number on me without my knowledge. I must have been blind but I still don't see it when I look back, he just didn't fit the bill! Oh well, he had sex with my friends, out friends, strangers, hookers and even unpretected sex, I came to find out. This was taking place even before we were married and we were married about 8 years. I still don't believe it, but it is true! Well my life or past didn't even exist as I thought, I was living a dream or a lie! So when I finally came to find out I was shocked and scared to say the least. But I went on and in the divorce, I payed him to get out of my life and he got everything and I began again. I didn't know my past would arrise and rear it's ugly head as it has. I am so insecure and don't trust even myself. I have been seeing councelors and taking pills prescribed, but I am not even seeing a bit of hope. SO here goes my recent problems. My fiance seemed to be gone alot and I had thoughts of this coworker & him together. Not bad thoughts, just of them having fun together or whatever. I told him I was having problems and it maybe tied into my past. He had known my husband and I so he knew all there was, as I had filled him in and he had known us personally, he too was shocked by what my husband had been doing! Well things esculated and I seemed even more insecure and desperate along with having a lot of anger and this came out accussingly. Things lead up to me asking over the phone about my doubting he still had a picture of me out on his desk. We were both angry and he ended up hunging up on me. A little later he called me at my work and said to me, "Do you want to speak to "Gertrude?" (not his coworkers real name) and I said ya (not believing him or that she was there and he would even put her on the phone). Well "Gertrude" came on the phone and said to me, "Do you have any concerns?" I stated, "No, not with you". She then stated, "Just for your information, we are not dating". I then said, "Thank you". She added "And by the way, I like women and I am gay!" I was shocked to say the least! So I said, "Ya right you are, can I please speak to "Wally?",(not my fiance's real name). I asked "Wally" what was that all about why did she put me up on display like that? My god, the two of them were together and 3 other coworkers of his were there too. I knew she wasn't gay! But he said she handled it well and did't say anything wrong. I said yes she did, she lied for one thing. He said, "I am sorry you humilited yourself." Was that right? Days later he said, "She said something dumb about herself." That was when I asked, why she did she say she was gay when she was not. Another time I asked why she said that, he said it was her way of telling me they were not doing anything together. He changes his answer and is always defending her it seems to me. He says she didn't mean anything and was only helping. Well I asked him if that was so, why didn't she say my picture was out on his desk since this was how it started. Why didn't she get involved in a good, positive way since she took it on herself to get involved. Well this ate away at me so I called her and left a voicemail message. I stated that I had a husband who messed around with my friends, strangers, hookers and all. And because of such problems I was having problems, and I was sorry for that and maybe that made me a bad person. By that time I was crying on the phone and said that next time she took it upon herself to get involved with someone elses problems to do it in a positive way. Not lie and say something as dumb as she was gay and to do it in front of an audiance. It only added to my problems and she seemed to making fun of my pain by doing and saying what she had. I then hungup and told my fiance what I had done. He said oh, well. So the next day she went to him and played the message and said to him that her new boyfriend was having a problem with that and her boyfiend was concerned about the two of them too. At the same time they were taking together I called my boyfriend and he stated he could not talk to me because she was there. I said OK, I Love You. He would not say he loved me back, he just grunted and hung up. I was devistated since he seems to worship her and I don't exist if she's there with him. Well after work he came home and said that she had asked him to call her boyfriend because he had been concerned about their relationship. I asked him what he had said to her boyfriend. He said, But what else, I told him the Truth!" My god I about died, I cried and cried, I then asked why didn't I get the same. Why the hell had I gotten a stupid lie and he had definded it? She asked my fiance to fix it and of course he jumped to her aid. But she can say and do what ever she wants and that is OK, even when she knew how insecure I was and what she was doing. I just want to know was that right? Do I keep letting this eat me alive? I have problems why did she get involve and add more to my plate? I asked my fiance why didn't you say something stupid to her boyfiend, would that have help the two of them? He admits no wrong doing. HELP ME PLEASE, I AM DYING DAY BY DAY!

[PaperTiger]

OK, enough of that. Let's get down to my problem, remember I live in the "me, me world". So let's talk about ME-BLAH, BLAH, BLAY.

 

Does anyone think I deserve an apology or anything from one or both of them? Or was it OK to handle it the way they did? If you think it was OK, then why did he take a call to her boyfriend and not handle the situation with a stupid lie or B.S.? Was that OK of them to have handled by stupid insecurities in such a way?

 

I know I sound like a broken record, but I need someone else's viewpoint. Maybe then I can shut up and get over it. I am obsessed and I can not get back on track yet.

 

Please help don't make fun of me or say mean things. THX.