Jump to content

Wife cheated with her co-worker ~ Shocked and beyond hurt.


OfftheCuff

Recommended Posts

I do apollogize in advance if this is a little long, , but I need to vent to someone and would like some advice and/or suggestions. Me and my wife have been married for 8 years. We have two boys ages 7 and 5. we are both in our late 20's.

 

A little history about our relationship... When we first started dating, we were only about 15 or 16. She pretty much fell head over heels for me from the begining. I loved her personality, not so much attracted to her looks. I was open with her about this. Me being young and stupid over the course of like 2 years, I broke up with her and got back together with her like 4 or 5 different times, not really sure what I wanted, but mostly just not having a clue what I was doing to her emotionally. We were sexually active all during this time. She was my first. She had been with a few other men before me. During those times we broke up, she had had sex with a few other guys and I had sex with one girl, not really cheating, since we were offically broke up, but it did have an emotional impact on the other. The last time I broke up with her she said enough and decided to move a state away to live with her sister and go to school, we were both 18. After she left, this is when I truly realized what I had lost. I resumed the relationship and we flew back and forth for six months at which point we then got married and I moved to where she was. During this six month time period though, right after she moved away, I told her within prob 2 weeks I wanted to get back together and started telling her alot about how I was feeling. She agreed to this and wanted to get back together too. We were talking every day on the phone and online. She had a one night stand probably a few weeks after I started telling her how I felt and wanting to get back together... not a big deal.... Since we werent offically back together yet. however after I proposed and we were flying back and forth about once a month, about 3 weeks away from our wedding day, she started to want to back out... I got really scared, cause I knew at this point I wanted to be with her. This went on for a few weeks, until I was able to convince her to marry me... anyway, , during the last two weeks, she had sex with another guy who was hitting on her where she was. I did not find out about this until about six months after we got married... very hard to deal with at first, but I got over it for the most part, , have had some trust issues because of this.

The first 6 years of our marriage was pretty difficult, i'm really supprized that we made it. We fought often. I was not usually the nicest when I fought either, , never physical, but I would name call and belittle her for the way she made me feel, , text book mental abuse. Again, I was young and really for the most part, didn't really know what I was doing as far as relationships and how to treat people and what not.... we were both 19 when we got married. Anyway, neither of us cheated during this time, and I was pretty sure that she never would, She was very devoted to me and even told me that she would never have an affair, that she hated people who cheated, and if anything ever came up, she would leave me before started another relationship, , I feel that everything that happened before we got married was one thing, , and the fling she had two weeks before the wedding, she made it sound like she got backed into a corner and didn't really know how to react and one thing kinda let to another.... it was just one time. anyway, the last two years and specifically the last year, things have been alot better. We hardly fight, I truly love my wife, and I think she is beautiful, we have two wondering kids and for the most part were a pretty normal and happy family. I on a very rare occasion call her names or belittle her, if it happens its always a two way street.

 

Anyway, here is where I have been trying to get to for awhile now, very sorry for the ramble.... She got a new position in the company that she works for about 4 months ago. She has also been losing weight and starting to look really good, she has lost about 60 pounds in the last six months. She has always had a somewhat low self-esteem (i did not help this). Now that she is starting to lose weight, she has been getting a ton of complitments from everyone including me. She says she still feels fat and unattractive, but she's been getting alot of attention,, much more than what she is used to. Anyway, I found out this evening, kinda cornered her, because she has been acting weird lately, talking about how she is unworthy and that I deserve better than her, and I could tell that she's been feeling guilty about something, and so I pressed her on it. She lied to me for a bit, but I could tell she was hiding something, I could read it in her face, so I kept pressing. She finally tells me that there is this co-worker that has taken an interest in her and has been complemeting her and giving her attention. After a little more pressing, she says that she kissed him, or rather he kissed her... but I knew there was still more. After continuing questioning her, she says that she had an affair on Saturday, this is Tuesday evening now, only a few days later. I am speechless.... things have been going so well in the last year.... and I love her so much and I just can't believe this would happen.... She has never cheated on me in 8 years of marriage till now. Details about how things happened, , I guess this started with the Co-worker about 4 or 5 weeks ago. I guess they have kissed about 5 or 6 times. She claims and sticks to her claim that they only had sex once. It was during her break on Saturday night and it happend in his car. She claims that he did not finish because their break was over. She claims that similar to the guy that she had sex with during our engagement period, that with this guy, she felt kinda backed into a corner, and kind of a hard time saying no. She knew she shouldnt allow it to happen, but she didn't know how to stop it really.... that kinda the way she says it... She does kinda like the guy, I'm guessing probably kind of a lust or infatuation, but she wants to save her marriage and cant believe that this has happened herself. Just one note, the guy is 33 and is married with kids himself, but from the things she's told me, I think he kinda just played her. Well he got what he wanted.

I am at a loss of words, and I would more than anything like to why she did this, if she is being honest with me, or if there is more to the story.... I really do love my wife alot, and I don't want to lose her. I want to really get over this and continue with my life, with my wife in it. I know that people make mistakes and I know that cheating on someone can happen sometimes.... But I feel so unloved, , how could she have allowed herself to get into this situation... giving her track record before our marriage and then this, should I be worried that it will happen again, especially if she contiues to lose more weight and have more of an attraction from men? She has told me she is sorry and has even cried a few times. I don't really want to look at her right now.. I am still in complete shock, and for the most part it hasnt really even hit me yet. I'm a pretty emotional guy, so I know I will cry alot over this and I know that It will change me somewhat as a person. I will blame myself for it. Anyones thoughts or viewpoints would be apprecaited... thank you,

 

Regards

 

PS. sorry, I know my spelling isn't the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So the bottomline question here is this...what do YOU want to do from here?

 

Reconcile, divorce?

 

What does SHE want to do from here?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me get this straight. She had sex a couple of times two weeks before you were married. Six years later you have been married and she has been kissing this older guy at work. At the break she goes into his car and has sex with him because she does not know how to say no? I don't see how you could have any respect being married to her. It is pretty clear that she has no respect for you and your marriage. From what you describe the chances are pretty good that this will happen again in the future.

 

What is so very disturbing is how she is trying to rationalize this. First she is married and she has been kissing and who knows what for the past few weeks with this married man. This means she was carrying on with this guy for weeks behind your back. She knew exactly what was going to happen when she went she went in his car during a break to make out. She then tells you she really did not know how to say no and she really liked him so she screwed him? My friend you are married to a woman who had no problem jumping into a back seat with a married man and having sex during a short break at work. She has no respect for you or herself. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She is right about one thing and that is that you deserve much better than her. I am sorry but her behavior is so trashy. I am sure you can do much better than this in your life. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. You need to open your eyes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Been there. Done that.

 

The first 8 weeks after discovering my wife's A were hell on Earth. I strongly and highly recommend that you make no decisions now.

 

I made lots of bad choices (like throwing her out, selling wedding rings, etc) those first 8 weeks which are now proving to be hindrances in our recovery.

 

Right now...just survive. Eat. Sleep. Live.

 

I disagree with Owl at this point. I'm not sure you can truly know what you want in this turbulent whirlwind of disgust, shock, horror, pain, hurt, anger...all of it. I lived it and I know.

 

1) Keep this from your children for now. Be civil to her. You can put on an act for the sake of your children. Put their needs first. They are innocent in this so don't punish them by exposing them to crap. I did it. So can you.

 

2) Decide nothing.

 

3) Get the best lawyer you can afford. Have a consult. This is nothing more than protecting your interests. I would not file for divorce now. Simply talk, get the law in your area and gain an advocate for you.

 

4) Find a MC. The marriage deserves at least a few chats with an MC. Number three is for you, this is for you both (and your kids).

 

Keep posting - you will find lots of good advice from people who have been in your shoes and people who long experience on this board.

Link to post
Share on other sites

First off I think there is more to the story because if Im with a woman and about to get off I don't just stop because my break is over I FINISH. Also she has a history of cheating and low self-esteem and I know Im going to get bashed for this but when a woman has both of these she is going to continue to cheat. Im not a firm believer that people change, I believe they can change certain aspects of their life but not the root of who they are. She was sexually active before you so that means around 14 years old or earlier and she has cheated several times that you know of. You better protect yourself and your children. Im guessing she didn't use a condom so get tested for STD's and don't sleep with her for 6 months so you know the STD test is accurate.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Been there. Done that.

 

The first 8 weeks after discovering my wife's A were hell on Earth. I strongly and highly recommend that you make no decisions now.

 

I made lots of bad choices (like throwing her out, selling wedding rings, etc) those first 8 weeks which are now proving to be hindrances in our recovery.

 

Right now...just survive. Eat. Sleep. Live.

 

I disagree with Owl at this point. I'm not sure you can truly know what you want in this turbulent whirlwind of disgust, shock, horror, pain, hurt, anger...all of it. I lived it and I know.

 

1) Keep this from your children for now. Be civil to her. You can put on an act for the sake of your children. Put their needs first. They are innocent in this so don't punish them by exposing them to crap. I did it. So can you.

 

2) Decide nothing.

 

3) Get the best lawyer you can afford. Have a consult. This is nothing more than protecting your interests. I would not file for divorce now. Simply talk, get the law in your area and gain an advocate for you.

 

4) Find a MC. The marriage deserves at least a few chats with an MC. Number three is for you, this is for you both (and your kids).

 

Keep posting - you will find lots of good advice from people who have been in your shoes and people who long experience on this board.

 

I'll disagree with me as well on this point...you're right...there's no rush to make ANY decisions on his part.

 

I completely agree with your advice.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Gotta agree, that you probably only know the tip of the iceberg here. You know about a couple past episodes of infidelity and the current one(although I doubt you know the true extent of it). Affairs/infidlities are liie cockroaches. For every one you see, there are many more that remain undetected.

Just based on what you do know(the tip etc), you've got a serial cheater as a wife. Serial cheaters may be wired a little differently than your standard issue, run of the mill one time cheater.

Have you read much about personality disorders? Serially cheating is a sign, one of many, that you may have a disordered spouse. If that's the case, best to run.

Link to post
Share on other sites

ddw, I truly feel for you after reading your post friend.

 

Listen, I read your post over several times and I clearly noticed a tone in your writing, this self-guilt you're almost trying to blame her actions on things you have done through-out the relationship.

 

Could you be right, well yes I guess everyones actions down to getting cut off on the highway effects us for the day the question is how we handle those feelings.

 

We all argue, we all say the most hurtful things to our partners because we know each other, know what ticks each other off but there's a limit and you'd of known if you went too far. Enough to cheat or leave you for example. I don't believe you are the direct cause for her cheating on you.

 

I'll say this though, you were given a sign very early in your relationship, those 6 months into the marriage when she told you about her first affair. This was the moment when you should of really thought about spending the rest of your life with this woman I believe you made a mistake because what she did was down right shameful and as someone stated she was "possibly" even fooling around with him much longer then stated.

 

For all you know she cheated throughout your marriage.

 

As for this co-worker situation here's something to think about, you say she was losing weight, basically now starting to make herself get back in shape . I would be wondering if this was truly for her health and trying to fit into that old dress or because all along she was trying to look good not for herself or you but for her co-worker . Obviously if 2 co-workers are attracted to each other the sex doesn't just happen there was clearly a build up as you mentioned (a few kisses at first) this is probably where the weight loss etc came in. She was planning this.

 

 

I think it's sad there is no childen in the mix, but please pay attention to my following words;

DO NOT STAY WITH HER FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS.

I would personally say keep things civil speak to a lawyer sort out your assets and divorce.

 

Some have mentioned MC etc but honestly tisk tisk she's a repeat offender, I've known cheaters personal friends in MC I'm being bias here but some people really know how to milk it or think just because they are going they are "working on their marriage" yet they haven't really changed at all it's all about knowing the right things to say to cover things up, which they will learn in MC.

 

Just MY opinion, I do know it can work for a select few but if you read half the posters stories on here it hasn't really helped many couples, infact the cheater tends to still be cheating and MC if anything allowed the victim to find the strength to get out of this relationship only having paid $$$ to realise it. If you believe in monogamy don't be played for a fool.

 

I would probably of forgiven the pre-marriage cheating only reason why because I would put it down to making sure as vile as the action is. Almost like a on for the road take that as you will. However down the road she's done it again then all bets are off.

 

I'm sure someone else will also suggest you take the "total open-book" route. Where she changes job (if possible) and from now on reports to you what she's doing, etc etc etc. In short doesn't work, and with children available for excuses (im getting them stuff etc) too much room for lies. Not to mention can breed resentment like a mofo.

 

Good luck no matter what you do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

To add to previous people's advice - don't make any rushed desicions !! Truths may out and may hurt but if you do love your wife try to remain as calm as possible, the most damaging thing you can do (whilst often totally understandable) is to fly off the handle and say and do things that are damaging or hurtfull, and can make working through these things so much harder. Something that I try to do, which may help, picture a big wooden box with a good strong lid\lock on it. Whenever something gets said that really hurts (the things that really kick you in the stomach), just stop, and put the painfull thing in the box and slam the lid shut, stay calm. Now the important bit, when you are feeling more able, maybe when your on your own and the pain has subsided a bit, open the lid of the box and look at the issue that is at the top of the box straining to get out, calmly and controlled. Did she really mean to say that ?, is she just hurting and lashing out ? ok so thats probably true, but why did she do it ? you probably can figure things out one way or another but no-one makes good decisions whilst hurt or angry. Stay as calm as possible, think things through, dont let anger and hurt make the decisions for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to start MC immediately, if for no other reason than to give you a structured way to deal with your anger and pain. Assuming you can recover from this, the question that leaps out at me is this - given your wife's inability to understand the consequences of her actions, what keeps this from happening again? What happens the next time she's "backed into a corner"?

 

There are obviously huge issues of self-esteem, stability and judgement here. I wouldn't even begin to advise you as to whether or not you should hang in there while she works through them, With two young children involved, I can only guess at what is going through your mind. You've gotten good advice to go slow and think things through. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...