I have gotten over my head with a married man

[beachgirlNJ]

Hello. If someone can please share their wisdom and insight with me, please do.

 

I have been involved with a married man, he told me he is separated but I don't know if I believe anything anymore from him.

 

Briefly, he did all the pursuing. I know it was wrong. We were just friends talking about current events, music, politics, etc...and I fell hard for him. I know it is/was wrong and I think all he thought it would turn into was just good friends. Now lately, he goes without days saying Hi especially now that I think he has me figured out.

 

I think I(my feelings) scare him and now I realize I into him and this over my head. He keeps sending me mixed signals though by wearing clothes I bought him.

 

I don't want to date anyone else, I do love him. But I feel I am throwing my life away. He has my heart and knows it. He tells me I can leave anytime but asked me yesterday if I could ever do that? One other thing, he will never let me send a birthday card. I realize it can't go to his home, why can't he get a box????

 

I have forced myself to do NC but always get drawn back in. I try to avoid all the places he frequents.

 

This is what my friends think, he is in his mid 50's, I am in my late 20's, we get along like we have known each other our entire life, can finish each others sentences, but they say he likes being with me because I make him feel younger. This could be true, but is it wrong?

 

I am lost in love, please advise. Thanks!

[You'reasian]

Re-read your message title...

[whichwayisup]

This guy is still married, most definately.

 

Re-read your post! You know what's what, listen to your gut.

 

He is taking advantage here and you're letting him! Love has nothing to do with it, he may have feelings for you but he isn't going to leave his wife, change things up and start a new life with you.

 

He's in his 50's, you're too young to put up with this crap. Don't you want your own family one day? Kids, a house, a life built together? You won't get that if you choose to stay in the affair.

 

Also, does he have children? IF so, does he want more?

[Reggie]

Hell, move on. I'm in my mid 50's. This guy will be in his mid-late 60's when you hit your sexual prime. You want to be changing his diapers and giving him Viagra suppositories?

WTF. You have to be able to do better than this old geezer. And, he's a lying, cheating old geezer, at that.

Sometimes, no many times, I'm just amazed at the stuff folks contemplate doing. Find a nice young, honest, virile , single guy. Grow old together. Let the old guy find a new nursemaid.

[beachgirlNJ]

I have tried the NC but he is not like the guys I date in their 20's or 30's.

 

He never forced himself sexually on me.

[SUNSHINETHRUPAIN73]

I have a similar situation, I do realize that we are people who may be hated and looked at bad. But, I truly do feel you. I LOVE my guy even though I can't have him.

[beachgirlNJ]

Thank you, Sunshine. I feel I have known him forever. Good luck to you also.

[Lizzie60]

Wow.. before you said your age.. I had guessed 18-19... you sound very immature..

 

This guy is an 'experienced MM' so he knows he's got you.. and he can do whatever he wants with you.. he knows you're too weak to stand up to him. That's why he can go without talking to you for days.. he is enjoying this..

 

I doubt you're scaring him.. I think he knows he can manipulate you any way he wants. He knows you're emotionally dependant on him...and let me tell you .. this is a huge ego boost for Mister.

 

He's even 'challenging' you to leave.. what a jerk! and you.. look at you.. you're too weak to tell him to eff off... the minute you will look at other males, he'll ramp in front of you..

 

That birthday thing got me to guess you were in your teens..

 

You're trying to avoid the places he frequents.. you're not trying hard enough..

 

He likes being with you because you're young, naive, and he can do whatever he wants with you.. he can manipulate you all he wants.. he enjoys that power..

 

My advice: show him that he's not the only one.. that you'd like to meet someone your age.. that, in fact, you're looking for someone else.. that should do it.. but methink you're not strong enough to do this and that you will be too scared to lose him..

 

You let him have all the power.. not cool.. not cool at all... He will destroy you..

[beachgirlNJ]

Wow.. before you said your age.. I had guessed 18-19... you sound very immature..

 

This guy is an 'experienced MM' so he knows he's got you.. and he can do whatever he wants with you.. he knows you're too weak to stand up to him. That's why he can go without talking to you for days.. he is enjoying this..

 

I doubt you're scaring him.. I think he knows he can manipulate you any way he wants. He knows you're emotionally dependant on him...and let me tell you .. this is a huge ego boost for Mister.

 

He's even 'challenging' you to leave.. what a jerk! and you.. look at you.. you're too weak to tell him to eff off... the minute you will look at other males, he'll ramp in front of you..

 

That birthday thing got me to guess you were in your teens..

 

You're trying to avoid the places he frequents.. you're not trying hard enough..

 

He likes being with you because you're young, naive, and he can do whatever he wants with you.. he can manipulate you all he wants.. he enjoys that power..

 

My advice: show him that he's not the only one.. that you'd like to meet someone your age.. that, in fact, you're looking for someone else.. that should do it.. but methink you're not strong enough to do this and that you will be too scared to lose him..

 

You let him have all the power.. not cool.. not cool at all... He will destroy you..

 

You think I am immature. Let me tell you this, he is not like the guys I known who are in their 20's that think they are entitled to sex on the first date. He never pressured me to have sex with him until I wanted to and it was a mutual decision. He was the one when I needed someone I could call and he would listen about anything. He was the one who remembered little things, not the other guys.

[Lizzie60]

You think I am immature. Let me tell you this, he is not like the guys I known who are in their 20's that think they are entitled to sex on the first date. He never pressured me to have sex with him until I wanted to and it was a mutual decision. He was the one when I needed someone I could call and he would listen about anything. He was the one who remembered little things, not the other guys.

 

Of course, he is ALL that.. he is 50 + for pete's sake.. and he's an experienced cheater.. he knows exactly how to play you.. trust me on that one..

 

and yes, you still sound very immature and somewhat naive.. sorry.. but that's how you come across..

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You think I am immature. Let me tell you this, he is not like the guys I known who are in their 20's that think they are entitled to sex on the first date. He never pressured me to have sex with him until I wanted to and it was a mutual decision. He was the one when I needed someone I could call and he would listen about anything. He was the one who remembered little things, not the other guys.

 

Really? So you can call on him anytime and he'll be there?

 

Didn't think so.

[2sunny]

Hello. If someone can please share their wisdom and insight with me, please do.

 

1. I have been involved with a married man, he told me he is separated but I don't know if I believe anything anymore from him.

 

2. Briefly, he did all the pursuing. I know it was wrong. We were just friends talking about current events, music, politics, etc...and I fell hard for him. I know it is/was wrong and I think all he thought it would turn into was just good friends. Now lately, he goes without days saying Hi especially now that I think he has me figured out.

 

3. I think I(my feelings) scare him and now I realize I into him and this over my head. He keeps sending me mixed signals though by wearing clothes I bought him.

 

4. I don't want to date anyone else, I do love him. But I feel I am throwing my life away. He has my heart and knows it. He tells me I can leave anytime but asked me yesterday if I could ever do that? One other thing, he will never let me send a birthday card. I realize it can't go to his home, why can't he get a box????

 

I have forced myself to do NC but always get drawn back in. I try to avoid all the places he frequents.

 

This is what my friends think, he is in his mid 50's, I am in my late 20's, we get along like we have known each other our entire life, can finish each others sentences, but they say he likes being with me because I make him feel younger. This could be true, but is it wrong?

 

I am lost in love, please advise. Thanks!

 

1. you don't know what to believe because he's lied... married men have to lie all the time to keep you around. you find a man that lies to be an ideal choice?

 

2. he pursued because he could, you let him. you were available and willing to go along with what he was offering. that is an ideal choice for a MM

 

3. you don't scare him. the only thing that scares him away is the chance that you may tell his wife! that is what makes him back off. get real about what scares him.

 

4. date others! he's trying to keep you in a position where he can have you and stay married at the same time. send him something? you can't send anything... he's married. send his wife the card and tell her all about her husband. that will be a birthday gift he'll never forget. she deserves to know at this point.

 

how can you be doing NC when you say you spoke with him yesterday? no contact means NO CONTACT.

 

you are young... move on and find a single guy that can give you a life worth living... this guy is unavailable and you know it!

[beachgirlNJ]

He is more reliable than the other guys I have dated.

 

immature? I am a college graduate. You are the first person who has called me that...so I am thinking it is because you have never met me. It's ok!

[beachgirlNJ]

I do appreciate your comments. I am listening. Thanks.

[2sunny]

i'm unsure of why this is in the Infidelity forum... you should repost in the OM/OW forum...

 

you are the OW.

[beachgirlNJ]

Sorry if I posted this in the wrong forum.

 

Makes you wonder when the divorce rate is at 50%, why all these marriages fail. I didn't know married men can't have female friends?

 

His is failing because all his wife thinks about is buying things. I could care less about his money. I have the best time with him just driving, talking, and laughing.

 

I treat him with respect and don't take him for granted.

[beachgirlNJ]

I figured most women wouldn't take my situation in a favorable light, it is always the women who are to blame. if as guy cheats, he is a "stud"...what a 2 sided way of thinking.

[2sunny]

Sorry if I posted this in the wrong forum.

 

Makes you wonder when the divorce rate is at 50%, why all these marriages fail. I didn't know married men can't have female friends?

 

His is failing because all his wife thinks about is buying things. I could care less about his money. I have the best time with him just driving, talking, and laughing.

 

I treat him with respect and don't take him for granted.

 

honey - your post here and the next one too should not be your concern.

 

SHE can do whatever she wants... she is his wife. HE will always paint her in a bad way (whether it's true or not) so that you feel sorry for him - then give him the time, attention, fun and sex that he wants from you. if things were that bad he would have divorced a long time ago. his sob stories will get bigger the longer he wants you around. there will always be some crisis that will keep him at home.

 

try this - try being demanding and expect him to spend time and energy with you - then see what he has to say.

 

these are things you should expect from a man - but he can't give to you because he's married... find a man that can give you what you deserve. i'm not criticizing or judging you - just trying to allow you to see that you deserve more than what this guy is capable of offering to you.

[Reggie]

No double standard here. Guy's a dickhead, an old dickhead. WTF will you do in 20 years when the poolboy starts looking good to you and your incontinent old geezer is drooling?

Lokk, this is nuts. I have daughters and if they tried this with a married old guy(like me) I'd tell them the facts of life. Not only will you have nothing in common in terms of shred experiences and background, you are going to be very frustrated sexually.

Not all twenty something guys will insist on instant sex. But, cut the young guys some slack. Their loaded with testosterone(which you will appreciate, at some point).

[beachgirlNJ]

Thank you, 2Sunny

 

I do appreciate all the comments. I just needed some feedback and know in my heart I am doing the wrong thing. I let him "be in charge" of everything and that is why I try so hard to have NC.

 

I guess I will just take 1 day at a time with NC and try my best.

 

HUGS to all. Night.

[Lizzie60]

No double standard here. Guy's a dickhead, an old dickhead. WTF will you do in 20 years when the poolboy starts looking good to you and your incontinent old geezer is drooling?

Lokk, this is nuts. I have daughters and if they tried this with a married old guy(like me) I'd tell them the facts of life. Not only will you have nothing in common in terms of shred experiences and background, you are going to be very frustrated sexually.

Not all twenty something guys will insist on instant sex. But, cut the young guys some slack. Their loaded with testosterone(which you will appreciate, at some point).

 

Reggie...you incontinent?

[whichwayisup]

I do appreciate all the comments. I just needed some feedback and know in my heart I am doing the wrong thing. I let him "be in charge" of everything and that is why I try so hard to have NC.

 

I guess I will just take 1 day at a time with NC and try my best.

 

This guy's motives are all coming from a selfish place, not mean or malcious. But, with that being said - He KNOWS what's around the corner and has played you like a fiddle because he's older, wiser and knew exactly what buttons to push with you.

 

Definately tell him that you WILL NOT lower yourself to be his OW - IF he officially divorces, then you'll CONSIDER casually dating him - But until then, he should go away and leave you alone.

 

Go NC, block him in everyway. Phone, email, IM, etc.

 

You know what you're doing is wrong - Bottomline, you WILL get really hurt and probably regret continuing if you choose to stay with him.

[Reggie]

Reggie...you incontinent?

I'm working on it. Stocked up on depends, as there may be a shortage when the boomers hit the market.

Liz, you must know something about this. What is this girl gonna do with this old fart in 10-20 years? She'll go nuts.

[whichwayisup]

His is failing because all his wife thinks about is buying things. I could care less about his money. I have the best time with him just driving, talking, and laughing

That's an affair, not a relationship. And it certainly isn't glue to hold you two together, let alone grow and build upon. You bring fun into his life - But I tell ya, when you TRULY NEED HIM, he will NOT be there for you in the way you're hoping he'll be.

 

Another thing, his marriage failing is NOT just his wife's fault, it's just as much HIS. All you know is what HE has told you, OFCOURE he's going to pump himself up, make himself look good in your eyes, make her look like the bad guy. He is going to put most of what's wrong in their marriage on HER and I bet things aren't half as bad as he says they are.

[Lizzie60]

I'm working on it. Stocked up on depends, as there may be a shortage when the boomers hit the market.

Liz, you must know something about this. What is this girl gonna do with this old fart in 10-20 years? She'll go nuts.

 

... I might start watching the 'sales' ...

 

She won't be with him in 10-20 years so no worry..

 

She'll do what I do.. go for the young innocent ones..

 

I rather be a babysitter than a nurse..