Stay at home dad, stay at home mom (my wife)

[Quiet Pro]

I recently returned back from deployment to the Middle East from a tour with the US Army.

 

My suspicions were started immediately. I really don't want to go into detail since my needs are to catch these 2 in the act. I have already conducted a Sperm Detection Kit which tested positive.

 

I now need to know a plan to gather enough information to share with the OM's wife. I need to do this to get him away from my family long enough to fix my wife and family. My goal is to work through this to save my marriage.

 

 

Any thoughts are welcome!

[whichwayisup]

Hire a PI.

 

Your marriage can't be saved unless your wife is willing to end her affair and WANT be with your wife. You can take away the OM, but she is the one who needs to decide inside if you are what she wants.

 

Start spending time with your wife. Bond with her, show her WHY she should love you, want to be your wife.

 

How old are your kids?

[Deanster]

Dude - it's not about him. You can't 'get him away'.

 

It's about your wife. She's the one you're married to. She's the one who chooses who she's sleeping with, or not.

 

You're trying to make him the 'bad' one in this deal, so you can avoid dealing with the fact that your wife made a choice that you'd like to fix.

 

Not defending him, but he's got no obligation towards you. Deal with your wife, then deal with him, if you still think that's appropriate. Bringing him and his wife in will only increase the total drama factor of the situation, which isn't helpful. Same story with 'catching them in the act'. Attractive vision, but does that really help you solve the problem?

 

Based on your post, you have a mission, which is 'repair your marriage'. Focus on that - try to keep the drama to a minimum, and look for a path forward. Leaping out of a closet while they're banging each other and informing them you've just e-mailed the video to his wife (or whatever you had in mind) is the OPPOSITE of drama reduction.

 

Good luck!

[marlena]

Based on your post, you have a mission, which is 'repair your marriage'. Focus on that - try to keep the drama to a minimum, and look for a path forward. Leaping out of a closet while they're banging each other and informing them you've just e-mailed the video to his wife (or whatever you had in mind) is the OPPOSITE of drama reduction.

 

 

Well said and thought out. The other man is not your problem. Finding out the reasons of your wife's infidelity and then seeing if you can salvage your marriage is.

[Quiet Pro]

Two weeks ago, my wife decided she didn't want to continue to go to marriage counseling. A couple of days later, I found stains on her under garments. I tested it, and it came up positive for semen. I know I hadn't slept with her for a couple of days.

 

This is very difficult.

[bish]

I recently returned back from deployment to the Middle East from a tour with the US Army.

 

My suspicions were started immediately. I really don't want to go into detail since my needs are to catch these 2 in the act. I have already conducted a Sperm Detection Kit which tested positive.

 

I now need to know a plan to gather enough information to share with the OM's wife. I need to do this to get him away from my family long enough to fix my wife and family. My goal is to work through this to save my marriage.

 

 

Any thoughts are welcome!

 

 

You need to "fix" your wife? How about, if she is truly screwing around on you, you leave her? Why do you want to save your marriage?

 

And if you want to save your marriage, then why do you want to share this with the OM's wife? Want to "fix" your marriage, but tear down another one? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for telling the OM's wife.

 

But for you to want to "fix" your M, but try to tear down another doesn't make any sense to me.

 

And its despicable for your W, if she truly is messing around, to be cheating while you are deployed. What kind of witch cheats on a man who is risking his life in another country defending this one?

 

Isn't there military punishment for spouses who cheat on their military husbands/wives? If not, there should be.

[bish]

Well said and thought out. The other man is not your problem. Finding out the reasons of your wife's infidelity and then seeing if you can salvage your marriage is.

 

Find out the "reason" she is a cheater so he can be emotionally extorted to behave or live life to her liking so she doesn't spread her legs for another man again?

 

It doesn't matter why she did it...what matters is she did.

 

And its probably not to hard to figure out anyway. He has a duty to his country and has to be deployed. No choice in the matter.

 

She gets lonely (boo hoo) and decides to get her rocks off with someone else. Thats loyalty for ya!!!

[bish]

Two weeks ago, my wife decided she didn't want to continue to go to marriage counseling. A couple of days later, I found stains on her under garments. I tested it, and it came up positive for semen. I know I hadn't slept with her for a couple of days.

 

This is very difficult.

 

Well there you go my man. Thats all you need to know right there.

 

Have you thought about divorcing this skank? Why in the hell would you want to stay with someone you KNOW will be spreading her legs for another guy the minute you get on the boat?

 

This is crap you don't need to be worrying about when you are doing your duty to this country.

 

And my hat is off to you for doing that duty!! Much respect.

[MiVatoPorVida]

There goes Bish once again sending out his Negative, spiteful, bitter advice. Bish... QuietPro clearly stated that he wants to "get him away from my family long enough to fix my wife and family. My goal is to work through this to save my marriage. " His goal is to save his marriage.

 

Good for you Quiet Pro. If you are willing to save your marriage. He didn't ask "if he should dump his wife Bish. After all he did not catch her in the act.

 

Quiet Pro.... you need to discuss your feelings with your wife. Find out what is really going on? If they are having some kind of emotional affair... maybe u can stop it before it escalates into something deeper or physical. ANd if they are having in physical, than u need to find out what her intentions are. If u r willing to fix the marriage then she has to be willing too. If not then it isn't going to work.

 

There is nothing wrong with you loving your wife enought to try to make this marraige work.... hopefully it is not too late for either.

 

Hope this helps.

[Owl]

OK...so what you need is proof, so you can confront your wife and give the information to OM's wife as well. Makes sense to me.

 

Affairs require COMMUNICATION.

 

So...start monitoring her comm lines. Get a keylogger on the computer so you can get her passwords and logins for various email and IM accounts.

 

Take a look at her cell phone usage. Huge numbers of calls/texts are a clear indicator...then see if you can get access to her phone itself, to see her texts.

 

You might talk with a buddy that she doesn't know to help you keep an eye on her. Make sure its someone she doesn't know, someone with a vehicle she doesn't know. When/if you suspect she's going to meet with him, have your friend follow and watch.

 

Once you've got enoug information, go to OM's wife FIRST. Otherwise, your wife will call him, and they'll spin the story and do damage control to make you look like an idiot first.

 

If you plan on exposing the affair to friends/family in order to get their support in helping you save your marriage, do that before you confront your wife as well, for the same reasons.

 

Make sense to you?

[lkjh]

There goes Bish once again sending out his Negative, spiteful, bitter advice. Bish... QuietPro clearly stated that he wants to "get him away from my family long enough to fix my wife and family. My goal is to work through this to save my marriage. " His goal is to save his marriage.

 

You can not fix a person! If she really cheated on him and wants out then there really isn't much he can do. Everyone always tell people to talk it out and work through it but in reality the cheater usually lies and cast blame on the BS. I don't believe in asking someone why they cheated when it doesn't matter. If someone is unhappy they can deal with it a hundred different ways but those who choose to cheat are just selfish and will only worry about themselves. Almost every thread on here has a story about someone catching there SO in an affair only to have it followed by months to years of lying and being treated like a piece of trash.

[bish]

There goes Bish once again sending out his Negative, spiteful, bitter advice. Bish

 

Spoken like a true cheater.

 

 

... QuietPro clearly stated that he wants to "get him away from my family long enough to fix my wife and family. My goal is to work through this to save my marriage. " His goal is to save his marriage.

 

And if he decides not to listen to anyone that has been there, I wish him well. My sympathies lie with him.

 

My goal could be to have 1 trillion dollars. Doesn't mean, and yes very unlikely, that I will attain that goal.

 

Having a goal is fine, being realistic about it is quite another.

 

 

Good for you Quiet Pro. If you are willing to save your marriage. He didn't ask "if he should dump his wife Bish. After all he did not catch her in the act.

 

Well if her panties tested positive for semen, and he didn't have sex with her to produce said semen....then you can fill in the blanks on your own.

[OWoman]

My goal is to work through this to save my marriage.

 

Two weeks ago, my wife decided she didn't want to continue to go to marriage counseling.

 

QP - it sounds as if you and your W may be in very different places on this. You want to save the M. But it sounds as if she's already bailed.

 

Have you sat down with her and had an honest discussion about where she sees things headed between you? If she decided not to continue MC, did she say why?

 

If she really has decided she wants out, then catching her with her OM will not achieve what you're hoping. It may give you some leverage ito a divorce settlement if you're on one of those places that punishes WS judicially, if that's what you're after, but it's unlikely to bring her back to you with love in her eyes. More likely it will just make the split more bitter.

 

If she's just been feeling lonely in your absence, and is having trouble reconnecting with you after your deployment, but hasn't yet written off a future together, you still have a shot at it. But rubbing her nose in spunky knickers is hardly the way to go - she'll be looking for a loving H, not a rabid one.

 

You need to sit her down and find out what it is she wants. And tell her what it is you want. And hope that in there, somewhere, you can find some common ground to move forward on. If counselling's not working for her, you'll need to find some other way to reconnect, and rebuild what you had.

 

Good luck.

[bish]

QP - it sounds as if you and your W may be in very different places on this. You want to save the M. But it sounds as if she's already bailed.

 

Have you sat down with her and had an honest discussion about where she sees things headed between you? If she decided not to continue MC, did she say why?

 

If she really has decided she wants out, then catching her with her OM will not achieve what you're hoping. It may give you some leverage ito a divorce settlement if you're on one of those places that punishes WS judicially

 

Infidelity has no bearing on divorce settlements. It should, but it doesn't.

[pelicanpreacher]

QP - it sounds as if you and your W may be in very different places on this. You want to save the M. But it sounds as if she's already bailed.

 

Have you sat down with her and had an honest discussion about where she sees things headed between you? If she decided not to continue MC, did she say why?

 

If she really has decided she wants out, then catching her with her OM will not achieve what you're hoping. It may give you some leverage ito a divorce settlement if you're on one of those places that punishes WS judicially, if that's what you're after, but it's unlikely to bring her back to you with love in her eyes. More likely it will just make the split more bitter.

 

If she's just been feeling lonely in your absence, and is having trouble reconnecting with you after your deployment, but hasn't yet written off a future together, you still have a shot at it. But rubbing her nose in spunky knickers is hardly the way to go - she'll be looking for a loving H, not a rabid one.

 

You need to sit her down and find out what it is she wants. And tell her what it is you want. And hope that in there, somewhere, you can find some common ground to move forward on. If counselling's not working for her, you'll need to find some other way to reconnect, and rebuild what you had.

 

Good luck.

 

QP, you need to carefully assess the likelihood for success when undertaking any project or mission. You've come home to a wife that not only carried on in an affair while you were deployed but, continued the affair upon your return. She has shown resistance to MC which is a major "tell" in how her alliance and allegiance has shifted in respect to her love for you or commitment to the marriage. You, on the other hand, are active duty military and are subject to redeployment in the future so you don't have enough longterm control over where you'll be or how long you'll be gone to watch her at all times. Her current reasons for engaging in an affair will be the same reasons she'll engage in another affair in the future so that spectre of doubt will always haunt your relationship. Unless you fancy yourself as some sort of "svengali", you can't control what she does or feels whether you're home or abroad for her commitment to you and your marriage must be borne from within and based upon a true desire to show her love for you through action!

 

Now, let's take a hard look at your goal to save your marriage. The first question that begs is why you would put yourself through this pain for someone who clearly demonstrates a lack of empathy for you, your feelings, your dreams, your wants, your desires, or a future with you. The fact that she has chosen to continue the affair now that you're home while rejecting MC speaks volumes about how little importance she places her emphasis on a future with you or your marriage. You'd better believe that if your military duty involved combat action in the war zone then their "pillow talk" undoubtedly included how much her half of the non-taxable money you've earned that she's entitled to if she decided to divorce you (nevermind your life insurance proceeds if you die)! I would therefore look long, deep, and hard into the mind peeping from behind the eyes of the woman you call your wife for anything is possible at this point.

 

Though saving your marriage is an admirable goal you need to approach this as if you were draining the swamp. If your wife is committed to truly toiling by your side in this endeavor then you have a fighting chance at rebuilding your marriage. If your wife turns out to be disguised as a 14 foot gator sliding around to your backside then you have a decision to make....Stay to be gator bait or leave the swamp for someone else to drain!

[Quiet Pro]

Another Semen Detection kit has tested positive today. It seems they are setting a pattern. I will have complete info this week. The truth is near.

 

My next step will be a touchy one. I haven't decided whether to confront my wife or the wife of the OM. But, I will have this ended soon.

 

This has brought some happiness to my life recently. They all will feel my pain.

[theobserver]

I'm going to save you a lot of trouble because I know how this is going to turn out.

 

Sort out your assets, make peace with the children if there are any and prepare for divorce, it's coming. You've become another statistic.

 

You've just returned back home and according to your tests she's still doing this other guy this was not any 1 off mistake. I'm sure once you confront her she will make every excuse under the sun.

 

Your story is not that unique infact there's about several threads up with a husband in the same situation and a daughter of the BS watching her mother cheat while he's away.

 

Listen buddy, your wife is bad new I'm telling you this now before you go and do something silly like forgive her and then waste more years of your life with her and then we see you return here 1 year later to tell us she did it again. This guy does deserve some justice but as said don't focus all your energy on him he's not the one who shared vows with you he's not the one you put your trust in. Yes he's done wrong, and you should tell his wife/partner when the time is right but you also need to dump your wife like a ton of bricks. Don't worry about your community, what people will think etc.

 

You don't need a PI, you don't need the semen tests but you have that proof anyway. Tell his wife, then tell your wife you know and see what she's got to say, especially once you tell her his wife knows. Her reaction will say it all. If she truely wants forgiveness she will accept the upcoming humility it's the only way. HIDING things to protect her from scrutiny just helps cheaters do it again (no consequence) she has taken away your dignity and if you do want to give her the chance for things to work hers must be taken aswell and you will both build it back together.

 

Trust me you'd probably get more respect for leaving her because of cheating then taking her back after making an absolute fool out of you. Unless you like being a cuckold.

[bish]

Another Semen Detection kit has tested positive today. It seems they are setting a pattern. I will have complete info this week. The truth is near.

 

My next step will be a touchy one. I haven't decided whether to confront my wife or the wife of the OM. But, I will have this ended soon.

 

This has brought some happiness to my life recently. They all will feel my pain.

 

 

First, go out and file for divorce from the wh0re. Don't let her know you are doing it. The day she gets served papers should be the day she finds out.

 

And the same day she is to be served, inform the OM's wife. She deserves to know.

[Owl]

You have more than enough evidence.

 

What are you waiting for?

 

Let OM's wife know first...so that she can confront at the same time you do.

 

That will prevent OM and your WW getting together and doing damage control to limit the effectiveness of your exposure.

 

Then immediately confront your wife.

 

Or...another possibility would be to get OM and OMW and your WW all together at one time, and drop the bomb then.

[bish]

Or...another possibility would be to get OM and OMW and your WW all together at one time, and drop the bomb then.

 

Ooooh. I like this idea. If they are somewhat mutual friends, have them over for a cookout or something. Then let them all have it. Watch the red faces and the waffling as they try to dance around the subject and deny deny deny!!

 

I'd pay to watch that.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I'd pay to watch that.

 

second time I have said this. I dont like to enjoy someone else problems, but I would pay to see that too.

 

This story is one I am waiting to here the outcome. I know its bad, but I am really waiting for the bomb to drop. I think a part of me wants to see wayward spouses get theres. Think I still have some underlying animosity due to my wifes affair.

 

but no way I think this could end like that one other dude with the wife that was with the Emmy Composer..

 

anyway, Quiet Pro, my only advice is to tread carefully and concisely and please have a plan on how you will deal wiht the kids. They are innocent in this matter and given the fact they are both in the same 1st grade class, I would hate to see them suffer due to the enevitible exposure that is about to take place.

[ThumbingMyWay]

The truth is near.

 

My next step will be a touchy one. I haven't decided whether to confront my wife or the wife of the OM. But, I will have this ended soon.

 

This has brought some happiness to my life recently. They all will feel my pain.

 

QP. What is your goal?

 

in your first thread and post, you stated you wanted to save your marriage. Is that still your goal?

 

Do you think your method of exposure will help you achieve the goal of saving marriage?

 

 

OR is the goal to expose and divorce now?

[2sure]

Quiet Pro -

 

I have to say that reading your posts gave me a little chill. I dont know if it was intentional or not , but you sound very dark, and it scares me just a little.

 

But I have to agree with Owl - who also sometimes sounds dark. The truth is, especially IF you want to SAVE your marriage and Protect it - all parties involved in the Affair have to have direct Consequences. The only consequence right now is you feeling betrayed. She can feel bad about that, but it really isnt HER consequence. Tell the OM you know, tell his wife. Dont be dramatic, just state the facts. No one should be allowed the conversation of disputing your knowledge, because you already know whats going on. You arent asking questions.

 

After the people involved in the affair have to deal with the consequences directly, you will no longer be the victim in this scenerio. Maybe then you will be able to sort through what your next step is.