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Husband left me and kids, another woman?


discouraged4ever

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discouraged4ever

Oh God. Where do I begin. My life has been a nightmare for the last 8 months. Here is the short story:

 

In Jan my H one day says "I dont want to be married to you anymore" this is after 10 and 1/2 yrs of marriage with 3 yr old and 13 month old. He was in counseling and says "Ive realized i have been co-dependent on you, and I am co-dependent no more. I dont want to be married to you anymore." of course i asked the million questions and cant fathom how this could happen, as this is a therapist we have worked with in the past, who is a firm believer in keeping families together.

 

Im in shock and all i can think of is there has to be someone else. he vehemently denies this. but will not talk to our friends, family and stops going to church. He files for divorce and doesnt even tell me until almost 2 wks later i file for D cuz he is being such a jerk to me and the kids.

 

I dig and find cell records and see a phone number over and over since oct of 07, its the number of a "friend" he ran into in another city that he works due to his job. He continues to claim this is just a friend even in therapy....i confront him one night he is in that city 10pm and he is :out to dinner with guess who, her!" i confront him and ask him to put her on the phone she refuses.

 

We go to court for temp orders and he sets the final date for D, which shld have been in march of 08. I beg him to think about this, go to counseling, to slow all this down. he agrees. 8 months later, he has taken me through about 20 we will work it out to devastating you are a loser u were a louzy spouse cycles. he has been abusing me verbally and emotionally. i have finally filed with DA's office for a protective order and they of course did not give it to me cuz he hasnt hit me, but he has threatened my life in so many words and is still trying to control my life, will take things from the house (still has access due to court order) etc. he will harrass me and tell me he isnt gona pay this or that, just to stress me out.

 

I still think there is another woman. i have text her and called her and she still doesnt respond. i think, what kind of person is this, to let me gon on thinking this terrible thing if it isnt true.

 

gosh that is not all, but i am at work. i have had thoughts of suicide, and almost compelted it last week. i called h and told him to take the kids that i was going to ya kno... even the message he left was compassionless and rude on the phone. my aunt who has been helping me with the kids confronted him the next morning, he drove by and told him to stop playing games with me. that he was giving me hope and taking it away and this was not a game... she knows cuz she watches the kids when we go out, or he wents me a hotel room downtown.

 

all this is so horrible. but after the suicide gesture, and the next day he told me i was a selfish woman. i have begged him to go see our pastor. he tells me he will but he doesnt go. he is trying to take me back to court to re-do our temp orders after htis incident as i think he is going to try and use this against me that i am unstable.

 

court will be either late this week or next week. i have gone 4 days nc with him. and he is staying away mostly i think cuz he got a letter from the DA's office telling him that harrassing me and threatening me is a crime and i could press charges and he needs to stay away.

 

i know i need to get away for now, as he has really turned into a monster. i never thought in a million yrs he would treat me this way. i cant imagine he would do this unless there is someone else. i mean he has to go weeks with out seeing the kids. he only sees them ev other wknd. anyway. i just dont know what to do and i guess i am looking for insight, maybe people who have been through this.

 

i have pretty much given up... but you know, i am a believer that God can change people's hearts, so i cant say i have let go completely.

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OK, its clear that this other woman IS there...that's not rocket science.

 

The question is...what do you DO about all of this?

 

Go to your library and look for a book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

 

It outlines a pretty good plan for you to attempt to reconcile. Now, nothing is 100%, but its the best shot I know of.

 

If you're really having suicidal thoughts, you need to go see your doctor ASAP. He might prescribe antidepressants, or therapy. LISTEN and do it.

 

Things aren't completely hopeless.

 

But the first thing you need to do is to calm down. You have survived everything else that's happened in your life...you WILL survive this too.

 

My wife was all set to leave me for someone at one point...four years later, we're still together in a wonderful marriage. You CAN do this.

 

Check out that book...take a look for a site called marriagebuilders, and read the free material there (just avoid the forums there...they will NOT be helpful!!).

 

Come back here with questions, but that should give you a start on developing a gameplan from here.

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Blindsidedagainalive

My heart really goes out to you. I can very much relate to your feelings of dispair.

It has been 9 months since the discover of my WS 6 month affair.

It was the most difficult thing I have ever been through.

However, each month is better than the previous one.

Since then, I have learned things about myself and her that I would never have learned otherwise.

You have the added bonus of your husband being rotton and indifferent.

Obviously, he feels guilty so he puts that negativity on you.

He knows that you don't deserve it, so for it to make sense, he pushes you out of the way and makes you the villian.

One day, he will hopefully realize what he has done.

Get the support you need.

Go to councelling and don't hessitate to utilize your family/friends as a crutch.

You will come out better in the end, but only if you are willing to work at it.

Realize that this was his decision, not yours.

What I have learned is that most people who engage in affairs will lie and don't think rationally.

The analogy of a drug addiction is very appropriate.

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OK, its clear that this other woman IS there...that's not rocket science.

 

The question is...what do you DO about all of this?

 

Go to your library and look for a book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

 

It outlines a pretty good plan for you to attempt to reconcile. Now, nothing is 100%, but its the best shot I know of.

 

If you're really having suicidal thoughts, you need to go see your doctor ASAP. He might prescribe antidepressants, or therapy. LISTEN and do it.

 

Things aren't completely hopeless.

 

But the first thing you need to do is to calm down. You have survived everything else that's happened in your life...you WILL survive this too.

 

My wife was all set to leave me for someone at one point...four years later, we're still together in a wonderful marriage. You CAN do this.

 

Check out that book...take a look for a site called marriagebuilders, and read the free material there (just avoid the forums there...they will NOT be helpful!!).

 

Come back here with questions, but that should give you a start on developing a gameplan from here.

 

 

This is what I meant on the other post about preparing for war.

 

May God provide that which is needed for YOU at this time. I have experienced the marvelous from His hands. I must tell you, these were most unexpected.

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but you know, i am a believer that God can change people's hearts, so i cant say i have let go completely.

Can you really say you would want him back after all of this... would you?? Let this man go..no more suicide threats. If you feel like you may be at risk for suicide reach out to a family member or a close friend..not the ex. He doesn't care about you anymore and he is probably just pissed off at you for even mentioning it. As far as that OW, it sounds like it has a little to do with her. But I wouldn't go blaming her for all of this. It has probably been brewing inside him for longer then he has known her.

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Don't file frivolous restraining order applications! :mad: :mad:

 

The guy clearly has had enough of you and wants out NOW.. he poses no threat to you unless you stand in his way out the door.

 

Restraining orders are only when the guy (or girl) poses a clear and unequivocal danger to you, because a restraining order can totally screw up someone's life if it's filed against him or her.

 

Let him go. Whether or not there's another woman doesn't matter. For whatever reason he wants OUT and his blood pressure is going up every minute of the day.

 

WTF? Did you not read her thread? He has threatened her life. She felt like her life was in danger b/c of this jerk. WTF cares if his life is ruined b/c of a RO? He should have thought of that b4 he stuck his dick in the OW and threatened her life.

To the OP, I am sorry for your pain. I hope everything turns out for you and your children.

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Somehow I doubt he "threatened her life." If he had, the DA would have had no problem getting the RO. She was just doing it to be malicious.

 

You can't ruin a guy's life with a false restraining order just because he doesn't love you anymore. He could actually sue her for that, and he should.

 

I'm a lawyer and I see women try to do this all the time. They think they can just walk in and get ROs because the guy is treating them bad or because they want to cause him pain. That's not what ROs are for and it makes it harder for people to get ROs for REAL NEEDS.

 

Ridiculous. :mad:

 

While I wont argue that some ppl try to file false RO I do have to say that you personally do not know if he actually threatened her so you shouldn't jump down her throat for trying to protect herself.

 

I have a very good friend who is going through a D as we speak. She has filed a RO against him. She was allowed to drop their daughter off at his house. When she pulled up he started yelling at her, calling her a whore, a slut, and then proceeded to slam her against her car several times. To make a long story short she went to the police and they did NOTHING! They told her that it was his word against hers and how did they know the bruises didn't come from something else. Our PD at it's finest!

 

After several months he is in jail b/c he was caught breaking and entering into her home by a neighbor who witnessed it.

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LakesideDream

Discouraged4ever,

 

First, Welcome to LoveShack. You may find out that this place can really be amazing. There are lots of listeners here. And lots of help from caring people. You may have to sort out a few naysayers, and negetive nellies to find the help and solice you need, but it's here. Over the years it's been a great source of calm and solice to me.

 

On to your situation. Nothing is worse than having a spouse "walk away" especially if they are determined to leave you emotionally battered and bloody on the way out the door. I've been there and done that, although not to the extent you describe.

 

Enough is enough lady. Stop listening to your STBX (soon to be ex, acronyms are big here) he doesen't have anything to say that you need or want to hear.

 

Stop blaming yourself! Threatening Suicide or even following through will only end up hurting your children. Your ex will be able to tell everyone "see I told you she was nuts", your family will be devistated, and your children will be left to fend for themself, defenseless. Not good.

 

Take strength in what you have! You mind, honesty, pride, and heart, not to mention the determination to be the best mother you can to your kids. Your husband has decided he doesen't want you anymore. His loss!

 

There is nothing you can do about your husband (H)'s infidelity. That was his choice. Worry about the things you can affect positively.

 

Again, Welcome, and keep posting. If for no other reason than it's good for you to have a place to vent your emotions. Take care and good luck.

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lol not exactly. We also have evidence that the DA didn't feel he or she could even GET a restraining order. Which indicates that the husband, in fact, didn't "threaten" anybody.

Sorry everyone but he is correct. You don't really have to prove a threat against your life to get a RO, they will grant you a temporary one until they can get him into court. But if there was no threat of this nature and no physical abuse they will deny this. It is unbelievably easy to get a RO...so if the DA denied it then it is very likely she had absolutely no reasonable grounds for one.

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