cross posted - could they be ok?

[holliesmith]

The guy I (stupidly, stupidly) lost my virginity to (at 22) was a liar who was cheating on another woman in another town he was with (ie his girlfriend or partner or whatever). Our first 'date' was when we met in a club and had sex that night (stupid, stupid). He was there by himself obviously looking for action and I was looking for a boyfriend and made a regretabble decision. Second time, he called (he actually had to track me down at my house by going over there as the number I gave him had changed) and we dated once. The third time I saw him I found her eyeliner in his car and he had the audacity to say it was his mum's! Finally got it out of him that he was with someone else and I obviously called it off there and then. He was so callous and nasty, he knew I wanted more from him (before I found out about her) and laughed as he walked off back to his car calling out to me as if he had changed his mind then smirking and saying 'see you round'.

 

I always knew he was rich, but I since have found out he has millions of dollars - really fortunate business decision on his part. Plus he and his girl got married afterwards too. From these details it seems life for him is great! He knew he meant more to me than him and laughed at my upset about him being with someone already. Plus he was cheating on her. He was only 27 at the time. Maybe he was 'sowing his seeds' prior to getting married - or committing to her?

 

My question is - life seems good for them now - at least it seems that way - I don't really know him now but it seems things are well for him from the money and marriage situation. He even seemed nice and had really nice friends - who I might add knew about the whole thing. He seems to have it all - great friends, family and money. He stayed in his home town and just worked at the mine and eventually settled down - probably has a holiday house at the beach, too. I am not sure if he told her or not.

 

Friends tell me 'karma will get him' and 'he will get his' but I am not sure.

 

I am happy with my life but whenever I hear about him the hurt is kind of still there - or more bitterness about his seemingly getting away with this.

 

I know he would not even think of me ever again afterwards and possibly the only reason he wanted to have sex with me a second time (or third) was his surprise that I was a virgin before him.

 

Anyway - do you reckon he could now be faithful to her - after deliberately calling me for more sex twice after the first time (ie he planned those times)- he even had to call around at my house to get my number as the one I gave him had change to contact me the second time. Do you think they could have a good marriage?

[torranceshipman]

What can I say, this guy is the richest loser! That guy can't be this bitter and twisted AND also happy...believe me, he is a miserable person, no matter what others think. I'd hedge a guess that this money might not have all been earned by him either-wonder if the girl bought a lot of money to the marriage...I doubt that marriage will last either and if it does he'll be having affairs throughout.

 

He's a loser and deep down he knows it...its not normal to treat people the way he treated you.

[holliesmith]

HI and thanks for the reply - the thing is he seemed nice - well known in the (his own) community - established friends - good job - etc etc - plus when I spoke to him about things he didn't mind talking about he was pretty nice

How could he cheat on his g/f with me - then be happily married to her?

[holliesmith]

(I tried posting this before but it didn't work - forgive me if it is posted twice)

 

he seemed nice - nice friends, good job, nice to other people I saw him speak to, and he was obviously quite smart (although only a tradesman) - he even spoke nicely to me when talking about things he was comfortable with.

 

how could he cheat on his g/f then marry her and be happy? It doesn't make sense.

[D-Lish]

Some men will act "very nice" and charming when they want to have sex with someone. The way he acted toward you after he got sex and you called him out for having a gf is who he really is. Those actions directly contradict the actions of a "nice" guy.

 

Who cares if he is happy now- he doesn't deserve your thoughts or energy. Concentrate on being happy yourself!

[Lookingforward]

You were looking for a bf, he was looking for a quick roll in the hay - it happens. If he's since married the gf it's apparently been a while - isn't it time you stopped dwelling on it?

 

He wasn't even close to being your bf let alone someone you were going to be with long term, so it seems a little weird you're still thinking about whether he's happy or not.

[torranceshipman]

I don't think its weird she's trying to understand this/still thinking about his motivations - because he's the guy she lost her virginity and thats a big deal...the poster also sounds young and naive, which is kinda sweet but I am sure this dirtbag saw this a mile away and took full advantage of it.

 

Hollie - the fact is, just cause other people like him, it doesnt make him a good person...he may well love his W but he's also a selfish ass who wants to have A's and one night stands with other girls behind her back as it feeds his ego, and also seems to revel in making people feel bad (I say this on the basis of how he treated you). Which means he's a freakin nasty piece of work and you shouldnt waste a second more thinkin about him. In answer to whether he's happy or not...well, his happiness appears to rely on lying to his W and sneaking around, putting others down to make him feel better and being a sleazebag, so in a sense, yea I guess he is happy but for us normal people, that's just sad! Sad old married man...avoid like the plague...!

 

You on the other had sound like a sweet, young, attractive girl so go out there and enjoy life without thinking about this big sleaze again! Plenty of lovely guys out there that are worth a 1000 of this guy.

[Lookingforward]

I don't think its weird she's trying to understand this/still thinking about his motivations - because he's the guy she lost her virginity and thats a big deal...the poster also sounds young and naive, which is kinda sweet but I am sure this dirtbag saw this a mile away and took full advantage of it.

 

Hollie - the fact is, just cause other people like him, it doesnt make him a good person...he may well love his W but he's also a selfish ass who wants to have A's and one night stands with other girls behind her back as it feeds his ego, and also seems to revel in making people feel bad (I say this on the basis of how he treated you). Which means he's a freakin nasty piece of work and you shouldnt waste a second more thinkin about him. In answer to whether he's happy or not...well, his happiness appears to rely on lying to his W and sneaking around, putting others down to make him feel better and being a sleazebag, so in a sense, yea I guess he is happy but for us normal people, that's just sad! Sad old married man...avoid like the plague...!

 

You on the other had sound like a sweet, young, attractive girl so go out there and enjoy life without thinking about this big sleaze again! Plenty of lovely guys out there that are worth a 1000 of this guy.

 

just my take, but if losing your virginity is that big a 'deal' one should be just a TAD more careful who it's given away to then........giving it away to a guy she met in a club and had sex with that night doesn't sound like it WAS a 'big deal' to me...... which is why I find this post further down the line a little weird.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

It is obvious he has moved on and probably forgotten or (holding breath and wishing) he truly learned something from how he treated you and has since lived on the right path. But in short, who cares anyway? Why do you care? Yes I understand you lost your virginity to him, but this is not a life defining moment anymore. You have to move on and not let it continually comeback and haunt you. Maybe you need to be the bigger person and forgive and forget how he wronged you and forgive and forget your wrong you did to yourself.

 

Wishing for something bad to happen to him is not moving on. And it is truly better to live a life full of happiness that to give someone the satisfaction of knowing the pain is still alive in you.

 

 

DNR

[holliesmith]

just my take, but if losing your virginity is that big a 'deal' one should be just a TAD more careful who it's given away to then........giving it away to a guy she met in a club and had sex with that night doesn't sound like it WAS a 'big deal' to me...... which is why I find this post further down the line a little weird.

HI all and thanks for the replies - just to give more detail....firstly it was my fault for sleeping with him totally. I just didn't have the guts to say no and of course he didn't realise I was a virgin until afterwards - probably thought he was going to have a no-frills one nighter with me and be down with it. I think the fact he was the first made him want more (sex only of course) because he actually had to go out of his way to track me down the second time - the phone number at my house had changed and he had to come around to find me.

 

I know I should just get over this but I think the reason I am still thinking about it is because at the time I was so hurt and embarrassed I just shoved it to the back of my mind and moved straight on. I didn't grieve my mistake enough to shed even one tear. Did not even tell friends he was my first I was that ashamed and embarrassed. So now hearing from a mate about him marrying that girl he cheated on with me and the millions he sold a property for - brings back the hurt and embarrassment - I feel totally silly and used that he was bad to me but appears to be good to her.

thanks again

[D-Lish]

Having money isn't something I see as being relevant here.

He's a cheater and a player... even losers with no money or a pot to piss in can be players.

 

Of course losing your virginity to a jerk can play havoc on your emotions... That is what I see as being relevant. You're beating yourself up for allowing this guy to be your first, and because most of us women grow up envisioning our first time to be special, and with a special guy... it makes sense this would be something that upsets you.

 

Bottom line is that he is married now. The fact that he is a cheater is his character fault.

[holliesmith]

Bottom line is that he is married now. The fact that he is a cheater is his character fault.

 

what do you mean by this?

[D-Lish]

what do you mean by this?

 

 

The bottom line is that I mean you deserve better, I mean that he is the one with the problem. He cheated on his gf with you, he pursued you even though he was engaged to another woman.

 

You may have made a hasty decision to go home with him that night... but you were single and not in a position to answer to anyone. He did have a responsibility to another person and he betrayed her trust and hurt you in the process.

[cherrymoon]

Forgive me for this but are you jealous and angry and hoping someone here will say that you should tell his wife or worse still threaten him and look for a few bob.

 

What has changed in your life?

You are no longer a virgin? ok but you allowed a man into your home at the age of 22. You pulled him at a bar.

just because you brought him home does not mean you have to have sex with him!

However if a man asked me back to his place I would know that he was hoping for more than a cup of tea.

I am very confused by your thread Ithink you are bitter and acting like a victim.

You were to scared to say No??? please!

 

I hope I am wrong about you but this thread worried me I think you are bitter that you lost the rich guy.

He promised you nothing you wanted more he didn't.

He is a pig for putting it about while being engaged, you were a fool to sleep with a guy the first niht you met him and whats more to lose your virginity to him.

 

You are 22 you have loads of time to meet someone nice, respectful and rich start again and be more careful.

 

Best of luck

[holliesmith]

I guess you are right in that I am jealous and bitter - that he cheated on his gf (not sure if they were engaged at the time), seemingly got away with it and hurt me in the process. It is my fault though - I should have known better but do now. I was never after his money though - I just remember him always talking about investments - and now he has obviously got what he wanted there it kind of makes me angry that he has done so well for himself after being a pig.

 

But mainly I wonder how it could be a good marriage - and whether he still cheats or if I was the only one.

 

Trying to move on now *about time!* But as I say I feel ripped off as he was my first = and I am still kicking myself as I just pushed it away straight afterwards. I really do appreciate the comments.

[cherrymoon]

Ok I am not accusing you of anything here, I am however very confused.

 

This man took what you gave him. You were not in love and discussing your future together.

 

You absolutely gave yourself to him by choice and free will. Why so bitter and jealous.

I am actually trying to help sorry if it doesn't sound that way.

 

If losing your virginity is so important to you how did this happen??

[Lookingforward]

and I am still kicking myself as I just pushed it away straight afterwards.

 

not sure I quite understand your meaning in this part of your post. Clarify ?

[cherrymoon]

I am guessing she means she didn't let herself think about it.

I am confused why if your virginity is so precious you lose it immediately with the rich guy???

 

I would like a rich guy too just for the record:p. Sadly my virginity is long gone. Maybe rich guy could buy me a new one???

 

What has virginity and a balloon got in common??

one prick and it is gone:D

 

Sorry in a silly mood. need coffee

[holliesmith]

not sure I quite understand your meaning in this part of your post. Clarify ?

 

Thanks for asking - what I mean is that I was so embarrassed and humiliated that I had stupidly just lost it to this guy who could not give a c$^p about me that I just forced myself not to think of it at all. Didn't tell anyone the whole story as I was embarrassed about losing it to someone who didn't care - felt like a loser. I agree it was my decision of course it was and I regret not having the guts to say no. I was not afraid I just made a stupid decision as I thought he might like to date me - wrong! Of course I knew there was a chance he wasn't interested in me atall but I was too naive to think he was cheating behind a g/fs back. Finding about that is what really stuck the knife in.

 

Hearing of his life from a friend (bad thing to happend now!) has brought it up again and how I really felt then has come back. I feel hurt and rejected - I guess I just wonder how he could possibly stop and be a good husband after cheating on her. Funny thing is as you say, I didn't love him of course - hardly knew him much - but I just didn't want to be rejected the way he did - he laughed and said 'see ya round' when I found out he was already with someone. I know I am not missing out by not being with him now. The reason him being financially successful now is pi%%ing me off is because it is what he wanted - always talked about it. I guess I just wanted him to suffer after deceiving me as he deliberatley didn't tell me about the gf - and I wouldn't have done it if I'd known of her.

[Lookingforward]

well fwiw, if he got rich by a lucky decision rather than hard work that could just as easily vanish overnight too.......

 

and I doubt he will be faithful to the gf now wife...so that may come to a nasty end as well.

 

I would just ignore it and go on with your life - you can always be a "born again virgin" - most men wouldn't know the difference anyway unless you told.

[Walk]

Hollie, I can relate. I lost my virginity to a guy I thought I was really falling for. It wasn't a very long relationship.. couple months. At one point he'd given me this huge sob story about how he was going to lose his apartment at his college, and then borrowed $500 bucks from me. I found out he had a gf back at college and I called him out on it. He then accused me of raping him, and refused to pay me back my money. Called me all kinds of names... he had me in tears, sobbing hysterically by the time he was finished.

 

Long story short... I was embarressed for a long time about how incredibly stupid I was. It really affected me to the detriment of my future relationships with men. I blamed myself for being taken advantage of, and for stupidly putting myself into that situation. I was bitter, angry and resentful over how I was decieved and used. And because I couldn't resolve those feelings by lashing out at him, I internalized all that pain and it ate away at me.

 

All I can say is this... your only fault in all this was believing that you could have casual sex and it would lead to a relationship. But that's something I think the majority of people have to learn the hard way at some point in their lives. You don't have anything to be embarressed about, or ashamed of. You handled an incredibly difficult situation in a mature way. And you should be proud of the fact that you have dealt with this surprisingly well. I think you have a great head on your shoulders. But I do think you need to start forgiving yourself and him for what happened and let go of the anger. Although that probably won't happen over night.

 

Figure out how to release some of that anger instead of bottling it up. Whether that's talking to someone, or going running, or picking up a new hobby. Channel it into something positive.