Why did she start this and why did it end...?

[u91746]

I am writing as a follow-up to previous posts, but asking new questions here goes. I have truly appreciated the (sometimes brutally) honest replies and insights gained here.

 

Briefly, I entered into an EA with a co-worker and we had a couple of intimate encounters with no sex. We both are married and have children. The affair was revealed when her husband accessed her work e-mail and it stopped / ended there.

 

Since then, I have had a difficult time disconnecting, for many reasons, not the least of which I now recognize is that I fell for her. We are maintaining NC at work, and no one at work, save a few, know about this. Its buried, as far as she is concerned.

 

What I need help understanding is her side. Let me explain.

 

We were out with some friends, and she flirted quite openly with me. We had been drinking. I took her home, and nothing happened, although I really wanted to give her a kiss goodnight, I didn't.

 

She asked me out for drinks again later, and it was then that she disclosed to me that she liked me more than as just friends. I was taken aback, and frankly *had not thought of her that way* prior to that evening. But I bit. We started our EA that night, really, discussing intimate things and sharing a lot. It was immensely powerful, as you all must know already.

 

I was guarded, however. I was worried she liked me for the wrong reasons, and she finally acknowledged to me that she just liked me for who I was, nothing complicated.

 

I sought assurances frequently about her feelings, and we grew very close.

 

This ended, suddenly of course, and since then she has minimized her feelings for me, and played down what happened, despite all these assurances to the contrary, some very strong non-verbal corroboration and of course, the e-mails and intimacy.

 

Recently, I asked her during a break in the NC what she was thinking when she opened up to me like that, and she simply said that she didn't know, and likely would never know.

 

Now, I recognize this has to remain something of a mystery, but can you all please help me understand: (1) what does a woman in this situation really want when she makes this kind of disclosure (2) how does she shut it down so quickly afterwards and (3) is her minimizing of the EA accurate, a coping mechanism or what?

 

I know many of you will be quick to judge. That's easy. I've done it many times since. I know where my place is - with my wonderful wife and children - and she is where she belongs. I know too that we can never be friends again, and that's hard enough.

 

But I need some insights here. Can you help?

[smartgirl]

Women develop intimacy with a man through the kind of personal sharing you describe. To feel that what you have to say is interesting to a particular man, that he can't wait to see you, that he thinks you are clever and funny, that he seeks you out just to spend time with you, that he also shares his intimate thoughts and feelings --- POWERFUL STUFF! A woman will feel drawn like a bee to a flower.

 

When this sharing is going on with a man who is not your husband and one who is married also, it can make you feel like you are in your own secret world. One shared by just you two. It is like being in a fantasy bubble. Inside the bubble there is no day to day reality, no responsibilities -- only a place where you are made to feel special. You don't have to do anything to earn this adoration. You don't have to pick up the dry cleaning, get the bills paid on time, pick the kids up and get dinner on the table. You just have to be yourself. It feels like total, unconditional love. This is something most women feel only in childhood (if they are lucky) and in an affair. Who wouldn't want that feeling?

 

Likely OW felt that this was a wonderful secret you could both share, but that would not impact your marriages. If she thought it had any chance of damaging her marriage, she likely never would have let it get started. She wasn't looking for something else in the first place. This was something that could be enjoyed for the time it could be enjoyed -- day to day, no comittments or promises for the future. That is what makes it seem so free and inviting.

 

She did not want to hurt her husband. Him finding out was the proverbial splash of cold water in the face and she sobered up fast. She now has to face great feelings of guilt. Guilt can be the buzz killer of all time.

 

What she had with you is gone. It was gone the minute her husband found out and the bubble popped. It isn't that she doesn't like you, but the special feelings of being in a private world and being able to endulge the fantasy of an intimate relationship have been disrupted by real life. Her husband is her life and her future and she knows she needs to stay focused on that now.

 

I don't know if your wife knows or not, but for us that made a big difference. When I found out it popped the bubble for my H big time. OW's H never found out and as a result she had a much harder time letting go and refocusing on her marriage. Close to year after she was still trying to rehash the A with my H and told him that she was having problems returning to a life where she had only her H and nothing else to look forward to.

 

I understand perfectly why she has turned off to you. She is now in a completely different place. If your W doesn't know, then you are still stuck in the same place. But there is no there, there as they say and you need to move on.

[whichwayisup]

It was all in the moment and based on selfishness. This doesn't mean what you two shared was a lie, but it means it wasn't ever going to be long lasting. You made her feel good, connected on a certain level. Maybe at the time she and her H weren't connecting and you filled in a need for her. As she did for you..Though it seems you really allowed yourself to fall for her which makes me wonder what is going on in your own marriage that you allowed yourself to fall for another woman?

 

Please tell your wife because there's a good chance that her husband may inform your wife about you two and the EA, fooling around etc...Better for her to hear it from you..

 

Anyway the bottomline of this is, she changed her mind, she woke up and realized she did not want to continue on the cheating behaviour. She did the right thing for her, her marriage, her husband. Somehow you need to try to make peace with that, and focus on healing and focussing on you and your own marriage. Fix whatever it is that is broken within you by doing counselling, then seek counselling with your wife.

[dirty diana]

Hi U9. I understand how you feel. I recently had the same thing happen to me. He had a crush on me for a long time and flirted with me often. One day I flirted back and he began pursuing me full time. He acted head over heals for me after the first time we were together (sex.) I thought after the first time he would blow me off but he was completely opposite, calling me all the time and counting down the days when we could get together again. The second time we were together it was just as nice but he began ignoring me. I couldn't figure it out and it bothered me a lot as I couldn't understand why he would put so much into the pursuit to just drop me like that. I was okay with the fact that he didn't want to be with me. What hurt was how he ignored me when just the day before he acted like he could hardly wait to be with me. We've talked since then and at first he said it was because he started feeling guilty that I'm married. I really didn't understand that since he knew I was married when he pursued me and didn't feel guility then. I have since learned that he is in love with someone and trying to win her back. He never told me about her so I was completely blown away by the news.

 

You will never know her reasons if she doesn't come right out and tell you and even then she might still lie. But the bottom line is she changed her mind and to her it probably doesn't matter why. I understand what you are going through as far as questioning --- the whys and how comes. I can tell you that it will get easier if you let it. Good luck!

[theycallmeprincess]

Women develop intimacy with a man through the kind of personal sharing you describe. To feel that what you have to say is interesting to a particular man, that he can't wait to see you, that he thinks you are clever and funny, that he seeks you out just to spend time with you, that he also shares his intimate thoughts and feelings --- POWERFUL STUFF! A woman will feel drawn like a bee to a flower.

 

When this sharing is going on with a man who is not your husband and one who is married also, it can make you feel like you are in your own secret world. One shared by just you two. It is like being in a fantasy bubble. Inside the bubble there is no day to day reality, no responsibilities -- only a place where you are made to feel special. You don't have to do anything to earn this adoration. You don't have to pick up the dry cleaning, get the bills paid on time, pick the kids up and get dinner on the table. You just have to be yourself. It feels like total, unconditional love. This is something most women feel only in childhood (if they are lucky) and in an affair. Who wouldn't want that feeling?

 

Likely OW felt that this was a wonderful secret you could both share, but that would not impact your marriages. If she thought it had any chance of damaging her marriage, she likely never would have let it get started. She wasn't looking for something else in the first place. This was something that could be enjoyed for the time it could be enjoyed -- day to day, no comittments or promises for the future. That is what makes it seem so free and inviting.

 

She did not want to hurt her husband. Him finding out was the proverbial splash of cold water in the face and she sobered up fast. She now has to face great feelings of guilt. Guilt can be the buzz killer of all time.

 

What she had with you is gone. It was gone the minute her husband found out and the bubble popped. It isn't that she doesn't like you, but the special feelings of being in a private world and being able to endulge the fantasy of an intimate relationship have been disrupted by real life. Her husband is her life and her future and she knows she needs to stay focused on that now.

 

I don't know if your wife knows or not, but for us that made a big difference. When I found out it popped the bubble for my H big time. OW's H never found out and as a result she had a much harder time letting go and refocusing on her marriage. Close to year after she was still trying to rehash the A with my H and told him that she was having problems returning to a life where she had only her H and nothing else to look forward to.

 

I understand perfectly why she has turned off to you. She is now in a completely different place. If your W doesn't know, then you are still stuck in the same place. But there is no there, there as they say and you need to move on.

 

 

Excellent post! Excellent answer!

[u91746]

Sorry, I should have put this in the original post. W knows everything. I told her all when the bubble popped, as you've said, and the OW's H came over with e-mails to make sure she knew.

 

Smartgirl...fantastic insight. I thank you.

[Planofool]

It will be one year this Saturday since I discovered my wife was having an EA. Things are just getting to the point where I don't constantly think about it. This post sure puts alot of things into perspective. Smartgirl has written one of the most understanding answers to my questions ever. My wife can't explain her actions but this post makes alot of sense out of it. My wife's EA was over the cell phone with 1200 miles between them. She claims that there has been NC since last June. I know it has killed him to have NC because he is single and as I found out later they have stayed in contact for the last 27 yrs through letter writing and phone calls. I have tried to figure out how she could just cut him off. They often went years between letters and phone calls so maybe it isn't over. But anyway great post.

[smartgirl]

I'm glad my post has provided some insight for some of you. The two key elements are 1) why was the EA so alluring for OW and 2) why did she stop so abruptly.

 

There is important information for all husbands in this. A woman badly wants that feeling of being desired and wanted for who she is inside, without condition. She wants to be seen as wonderful and maybe even perfect. A lot of women get this feeling from their husbands when they are first dating and it is mourned bitterly when it stops.

 

Most women would rather have all that from their husband rather than from another man. But after awhile it seems hopeless. H doesn't try to impress her, cards and gifts feel obligatory. When an affair blows up there is a lot of negative stuff, but there is also a sense of passion from the H that maybe W hasn't seen for awhile. Even though he is angry she also feels he wants her and wants to fight for her in some way and that feeling can make you want to reinvest emotionally in the M.

 

Just some thoughts.

[Screwedover]

There is important information for all husbands in this. A woman badly wants that feeling of being desired and wanted for who she is inside, without condition. She wants to be seen as wonderful and maybe even perfect. A lot of women get this feeling from their husbands when they are first dating and it is mourned bitterly when it stops.

 

This is true, but especially so among women with low self esteem and a high need for external validation. Attention from another man makes them feel giddy, young, beautiful, powerful. It is really all a fantasy world, and when the light is shined, often better sense prevails and people who are caught will realize how foolish they are behaving and will work to figure out their issues. The way our society raises girls -- to be the object of male attention, with encouragement to be gorgeous and feminine as much as possible -- probably contributes to this mindset among insecure women.

 

And men are not exempt from this giddiness and foolish behavior. It's a powerful drug to have a woman flirting with you. When sex enters the picture, it's even more powerful. Now a man can gain self esteem and validity from sharing his manhood (or at least "manhood" as defined by many males) with another woman, and in an illicit manner. This is incredibly exciting, I am sure!

 

It all becomes an addiction and when the hammer comes down, and the alternatives are spelled out, the light of day sometimes smacks people back into reality pretty darn fast.

[Planofool]

All of this just helps to make sense out of my wife's actions. But what bothers me is I see her falling back into her old ways of getting validation from men. These aren't men she would have a desire for but men that hang onto her every word when she is telling stories. I have told her that it is so obvious that she desires men's attention over having a conversation with women.

Her father left her family when she was 3 and I firmly believe alot of our problems stem from her not having a father figure in her life.

Since all of this happened last year I have been quite a bit more distant towards her and I am aware of it but I have a hard time giving my heart back to someone who betrayed me and deceived me for all these years.

 

This is true, but especially so among women with low self esteem and a high need for external validation. Attention from another man makes them feel giddy, young, beautiful, powerful. It is really all a fantasy world, and when the light is shined, often better sense prevails and people who are caught will realize how foolish they are behaving and will work to figure out their issues. The way our society raises girls -- to be the object of male attention, with encouragement to be gorgeous and feminine as much as possible -- probably contributes to this mindset among insecure women.

 

And men are not exempt from this giddiness and foolish behavior. It's a powerful drug to have a woman flirting with you. When sex enters the picture, it's even more powerful. Now a man can gain self esteem and validity from sharing his manhood (or at least "manhood" as defined by many males) with another woman, and in an illicit manner. This is incredibly exciting, I am sure!

 

It all becomes an addiction and when the hammer comes down, and the alternatives are spelled out, the light of day sometimes smacks people back into reality pretty darn fast.

 

My wife claims to have low self esteem, insecurity and anything else that helps to explain what she did. I think you folks have hit the nail on the head. He made her feel alive and excited even if it was over the phone. He fed her so much BS that her head was swimming. She couldn't dial his number fast enough to get the fix, make her feel like she was the queen of the ball.

She has told me over and over that there was nothing wrong in our marriage. Of course she has also said she didn't get anything out of it. Only he expressed his love for her and it wasn't reciprocated.