maintaining no contact and dealing with down days...

[MarriedLife]

I've maintained physical NC for 4 months now. Each day of NC gets better but I do still care if she's happy, if she's found someone else etc. Last week she left two tearful v.m.'s wanting to talk and wanting my advice regarding her messy divorce. (I saved the messages so my wife could hear.)

 

I didn't respond yet I feel like I'm abandoning this woman in a low point of her life. It's very tempting to schedule an innocent lunch just to talk.

 

For those of you who are maintaining NC with OW/OM how do you deal with down days and the feeling that a simple call or lunch wouldn't hurt?

[Owl]

Call your wife when you feel like calling OW.

 

Try to reinvest in your relationship with her...and continue to have her act as an accountability partner to help you maintain NC as you've done.

 

If at all possible, change your phone number so she can no longer leave you voice messages as well.

 

Focus on rebuilding your marriage right now.

 

I'd also heartily suggest exercise as a way to help you deal with the stress and avoid depression. Maybe invite your wife to workout with you?

[whichwayisup]

Start by not listening to her messages. She isn't respecting the NC. Is it possible for you to change your number? Hearing her messages is making you think of her, which isn't doing NC in your head. You physically may be doing NC, but in general, you're still very concerned for her wellbeing..That isn't fair to your wife or your efforts to make your marriage work again.

[Elena62]

I've maintained physical NC for 4 months now. Each day of NC gets better but I do still care if she's happy, if she's found someone else etc. Last week she left two tearful v.m.'s wanting to talk and wanting my advice regarding her messy divorce. (I saved the messages so my wife could hear.)

 

I didn't respond yet I feel like I'm abandoning this woman in a low point of her life. It's very tempting to schedule an innocent lunch just to talk.

 

For those of you who are maintaining NC with OW/OM how do you deal with down days and the feeling that a simple call or lunch wouldn't hurt?

 

You're a human being, you're not a piece of wood - showing some degree of feeling is not something you need to be ashamed of. She called you, she was tearful, you've maintained NC and you let your wife listen to the calls. Well done for that!

 

Of course you feel like you've abandoned this woman - talk to your wife about it. In answer to your real question about how to deal with the down days? You just carry on carrying on. You pick yourself up and realise that your path is with your wife. However, if you still have feelings for someone outside your marriage you need to talk about that with someone - because if you can't give your marriage 100%, then well I guess you know the rest of the story.

 

I don't know how to advise you on the calling or seeing her. I actually wouldn't see her - but call her? Maybe I would. But I would talk about it to my partner first. Don't lie, what ever you do don't lie!

[smartgirl]

Don't respond to her voice mails and DO NOT schedule a lunch. You have closed a door and it must remain closed.

 

Ask yourself why she is calling YOU to talk about this problem. You had a romantic/sexual relationship with her and are still trying to decompress from that. She knows that and so what she is looking for from you is something you are no longer prepared to give her. Somewhere in her mind she may blame you for her marriage falling apart and feel you owe her. (My H's OW kept railing at him because he was happy to be back in our marriage and she really didn't want to stay with her H. It wasn't rational since they had both agreed that they weren't going to leave their spouses for each other, but she really resented him for not pining for her.)

 

You have established NC. If you care about her then don't send mixed messages and raise hope. No matter what you say to her, if you agree to meet you feed her attachment to you and that isn't good for either of you.

 

If you look at the threads by Triarge and other MM trying to break off affairs, you will see that contact born out of concern for the OW frequently reopens wounds, prolongs disengagement, generates anger and you have to start the process all over again.

 

She should not be turning to you for help with this problem. I don't think I really have to explain how and why it is so wildly inappropriate. Please don't meet her or call her. There are other people in her life who will be better for her to lean on.

[MarriedLife]

Don't lie, what ever you do don't lie!

My wife often asks "do you still have feelings for her?" I Do lie and say no.

I guess I really need to tell her "yes I do still have feelings for her but those feelings are changing day by day".

 

Call your wife when you feel like calling OW.

I agree. Making my wife feel good makes me feel good which counters any funk I may fall into after thinking about the OW.

 

Start by not listening to her messages

That is the toughest thing to do because I WANT to listen to her messages. I know it's wrong but I like knowing the OW is still thinking about me. I really should stop thinking of myself and have less apathy toward my wife's feelings and really understand how hurtful it must be for her knowing that the OW is still leaving me messages.

 

don't send mixed messages and raise hope

A couple of weeks ago I did just that by saying to the OW "I miss you too". At the same time letting her know I'm NOT leaving my wife.

I'm at fault for selfishly sending the mixed message in my warped attempt to allow this thing to fizzle: start with physical NC, then slowly end it while feelings wane. It's not quiet working out that way.