WS withdrawal feelings for OW once affair is over

[lonely_and_hurt]

Am new to posting on this board although i have been reading through it for a while now to gain some inspiration!

 

Brief history .... DP of 5 years had a 6 months affair. D-Day was August 2007. Affair ended. Affair then started back up again shortly afterwards although no meetings, no sex - only texts and phone calls. DP then moved out to have "some space" ... in other words he couldnt give the affair up.

 

During the last 5 months we have spent 2/3 evenings a week together, and weekends. We have had counselling but still he remained in contact with OW. After discussions with our counsellor and me finally putting my foot down ... DP has now given up OW.

 

31st January 2008 was the last contact he had with her. He now has no way on contacting her, and she has no way of contacting him (although needless to say she's non to pleased he is trying to work things out with me as he told her he hadnt seen me since he moved out in August).

 

Anyway ... to cut a very long and painful story short .....

 

DP is suffering extreme withdrawal from his lost love of OW. He does believe he was in love with her but they cannot be together.

 

So .... just wondering really, if anyone here has experiences the withdrawal phase that the WS can go through if they fell in love with with OW ??

 

How long does it last ? Is there anything I can do to help him go through this ?

 

As much as I hate what he has done, as much as he has hurt me ..... Its awful to watch someone you love go through this

 

DP says he is serious about rebuilding his relationship with me and wants me to give him a bit of time to "get over it" but still wants to see me 2/3 nights a week and weekends. He has also said he is planning on moving back home again by no later than easter because in his mind he will hopefully feel "better" by then. He doesnt want to move back home now while he is in this state because he doesnt feel it would be fair on me to watch him go through this ..... what he doesnt seem to realise is that I am going through it regardless of where he is living !!

 

Any comments from anyone who has been through this, either as the WS or BS would be very very welcome. Just feel a bit in the "stuck" position right now

Edited February 13, 2008 by lonely_and_hurt

[cj1988]

My H went through the same thing although he did not admit he did anything with OW at all. Said he was innocent, but wanted to leave me 2 weeks after D-day, stopped sleeping with me or talking to me for about 5 months and cried all the time and stayed very drunk. He was distant and deperessed and very unhappy. They seem to hate life even. It is very hard to watch them go through all this after what they have done to you, but you will see you are stronger than they are and will overcome it all with time. After the cloud over his head is gone you may not feel the same about him, be aware of that! You will see what he has put you through and then start second guessing WHY you love him and if you do any longer. They are human so if the FELL IN LOVE, it has to hurt, but most of the time it is NOT love and they find that out.....

 

Good luck , it is the hardest thing you will have to do !

[lonely_and_hurt]

Thanks cj1988.

 

5 months ... WOW ... how an earth did you cope for that length of time ??

 

Are you are and husband still together now and happy ? or did you decide you didnt love him anymore ?

 

I cant ever imagine getting to a point where i dont love him, where I dont want him .... i just want to get this stage over with though as quickly as possible and he is unable to even start repairing the damage he has caused while he feels like this and I need to start feeling loved again.

 

DP has suffered from severe depression before in the past (prior to our relationship) and i do believe he is suffering again. He lost his dad suddenly last year to cancer which is when all this started.

 

So on top of screwing up our relationship, he has lost his dad, caused his family a lot of upset and grief and now has to morn the loss of someone who didnt love him. It was all a game for her and that has hurt him immensily.

[cj1988]

Yes, we are still together now, but unfortunately nothing is the same. It has been 14 months since D-day, so I do not feel the intense heart break as I did for a long time. He watched me lose 18 pounds, cry all the time, I was an emotional wreck and he did not care. I think that is why I am not caring as much now. He is still distant and cold, claims it is because I accused him of such a bad thing, well I know it was an EA if not a PA as well. So, the decision I am making now is much different than yours. Your H admitted it all, mine tells me I am crazy and it never happened. So, not only do I have to deal with what I know, but a liar as well.

 

We have 13 years together and a home etc.....kids as well and dogs LOL !

But, I will walk away from it all and him in a heart beat very soon if things do not make a drastic turn around. I have given myself until February 29 and then it is the beginning or the end of ALL this mess. So, you see after the shock of it all wears off, you will see him differently. I never thought in a million years this could happen to us, but like you H, mine fights depression as well. I never thought I could NOT love him, but that is happening as well. All I can tell you is do not be a doormat for anyone. Make sure they are not still seeing each other and take care of yourself now.......I do love him, but sometimes that is just not enough for someone. I am very much unhappy and so is he.....he does not think I will leave him, when I do, maybe it will be his wake up call at life and starighten out his problems.

[lonely_and_hurt]

Sometimes i wish i didnt know as much as i do. DP has from D-Day been honest about his feelings towards OW and he has dragged me through a lot of stuff he really shouldnt have ... The fact he talks to me so much about it all is, i guess, mainly because i am his best friend i suppose. I didnt really need to know about the 3sum he had with her and his mate though, nor did i need to know about her whole sordid life. Maybe I asked too many questions and maybe he was stupid for answering them as honestly as he did.

 

With his depression he has become extremely selfish and self obsessed - which makes anything hard!!

 

He does say (sometimes) he is very remorseful. He said he is very embarrassed at what he had done to me. But he cant handle the guilt.

 

So wallowing in self pity over his lost love .... seems a better option for him right now. I know he is deeply hurt himself but its like that has become paramount to everything else right.

 

I am using my last ounces of strenght to show him empathy ... but i am unsure as to if he even notices right now. Am i wasting my time while he is in this "withdrawal" or "fog" or whatever else

Edited February 13, 2008 by lonely_and_hurt

[cj1988]

OMG, he is in love with a whore who slept with him and his friend? That is about as screwed up as my story. If you read my threads you will see how distorded my life is......My H was having an EA with his 1/2 sister. They met through me about 5 years ago, but did not get close until July of 06 and I busted them on taper 12-06.....so, you think yours is bad, we just got married July of 06 and I think he was in love with her then (we lived together 11 years before we got married)......so you talk about a selfish SOB.

[lonely_and_hurt]

Your half sister ??? JESUS !!!!!!!!!

 

Yes sadly my DP and his best mate had a go on his OW. Without being too graphic .. he stopped it half way through as he couldnt finish. That was the moment he realised he was "in love" with her. Guess watching your mate f@kin the love of your life must hurt huh ?

 

Am at work at the mo - but will read your full story later. Its weird isnt it. The more you read, the more you talk about it .. the better you feel sometimes. Guess its weirdly reassuring that your not alone in the mess maybe

[Owl]

Withdrawl time varies, dependent on factors in the affair and how it ended. ANY kind of continued contact, even "just" emails/IMs/texts resets the clock and causes withdrawl to start over and last even longer.

 

My wife was in withdrawl for about a month after her 4-6 month EA with OM. It wasn't as long as many due to the fact that he basically ended things with her, and because they never had the chance to meet in person to 'consumate' their relationship.

 

It can last for several months...although symptoms will usually gradually fade over that time.

 

If he ended things with her in Jan...it could well be a few more months yet before he starts to show major progress. Give it some time.

[OldEurope]

I absolutely do not understand women who stay with men who are in love with other women. That to me is the lowest blow to self esteem there is.

 

I suggest that you examine more closely WHY you wish to stay with him. Because once he is "back", your resentment is going to build. You might become somewhat spiteful. I am not trying to be negative but realistic.

 

I do not understand why you are not going for separation (at the very least). Make him win you back. THAT is the test of love.

 

xo

OE

[lonely_and_hurt]

It wasn't as long as many due to the fact that he basically ended things with her.

 

DP's OW also ended their affair. Thats why I think he is suffering now. She ended it after months of telling him that she loved him, only to then tell him she never loved him, didnt want him and never had any feelings whatsoever for him. This only happened after months of stringing him along and unfortunately he fell for her lies. It was only in their last conversation in January she admitted it had all been lies.

 

Thats why he is so hurt. He have up so much for her. All based on lies.

 

Maybe if he hasnt of been depressed beforehand, he wouldnt have fallen for it ... who knows.

 

Even after her telling him very blunty that it was all lies, he is still having a very hard time accepting it. I know deep down he still tries to convince himself that it was true. Must be hard to admit to yourself that you were taken for a total fool maybe, i dont know.

 

Owl - how did you cope while your wife was going through this? Show sympathy ? refuse to discuss it ? let her deal with it on her own ? or try to help in any way you could ?

[lonely_and_hurt]

I absolutely do not understand women who stay with men who are in love with other women. That to me is the lowest blow to self esteem there is.

 

I suggest that you examine more closely WHY you wish to stay with him. Because once he is "back", your resentment is going to build. You might become somewhat spiteful. I am not trying to be negative but realistic.

 

I do not understand why you are not going for separation (at the very least). Make him win you back. THAT is the test of love.

 

xo

OE

 

 

Why am i still here trying to work things out with him ?? Tough question!

 

I love him - madly, deeply and totally love him.

 

He was the most loving, kind, gently, honourable man that i have ever known before this. The loss of his father suddenly changed him. Thats not an excuse for cheating NO ... but something within him changed the day his dad died.

 

Guess im just waiting on the "old him" coming back to me - if thats possible

[Mr. Lucky]

wants me to give him a bit of time to "get over it" but still wants to see me 2/3 nights a week and weekends.

I hate to be a cynic, but this sounds like the actions of someone still involved in the affair. How sure are you that this isn't the case?

 

JZ

[juliegeraci]

If you truly love this man and forgive him you can reconcile if there is no contact. It just takes time. You may want to get into some couples therapy too. You will know when he comes around. Good luck.

[lonely_and_hurt]

I hate to be a cynic, but this sounds like the actions of someone still involved in the affair. How sure are you that this isn't the case?

 

JZ

 

 

I am 99.9% certain that the affair is over now. After being through several false endings ... i think im pretty tuned up on the signs now. He becomes distant, doesnt want to come and see me, and makes excuses to why he cant visit, call or text. Last time he was back in contact with his OW I didnt hear from him at all in 6 days. He would start an arguement on purpose and then blame me for it. Ignore me when i try and make up etc ....

 

This time its so different. Even times we have had a little blip and harsh words have been said ... its him thats texting to say sorry, ringing me, asking when he is allowed to see me next. Totally different to how it has been previously.

 

On top of that ... he has never shown this amount of devestation before. Not only for what he has done to me .. to us ... but to himself aswell.

[silktricks]

When did his depression begin? How long was it from when his Dad died to when the affair began? Sometimes an affair is a direct result of depression. Whether or not that's the case with your husband, it would be a VERY good idea if you could get him to see a counselor. Even better if he would see both an individual counselor AND a marriage counselor with you.

 

They aren't the be all and end all, but sometimes they can help.

[lonely_and_hurt]

When did his depression begin? How long was it from when his Dad died to when the affair began? Sometimes an affair is a direct result of depression. Whether or not that's the case with your husband, it would be a VERY good idea if you could get him to see a counselor. Even better if he would see both an individual counselor AND a marriage counselor with you.

 

They aren't the be all and end all, but sometimes they can help

 

He had previously suffered clinical depression way before i met him. It had never been an issue in the years we were together. However the news his dad had cancer changed him ... he started pushing us all away and didnt want to be anywhere near us. The only thing important to him was his dad.

 

After his dad died he then accussed me of not being there for him ???

 

His depression set in around the time his dad was diagnosed ... which is when he went in chatrooms and started talking to OW. He met OW approx 2 weeks before his dad died for a coffee and chat.

 

The affair properly started (ie the first time it became pysical) a few days after his dad passed away.

 

He now refuses to go back on medication (previously had medication and IC) or to seek counselling. We did however go to marriage counselling back in October - December 2007 after DD1 .... but then we stopped going once i found out he was still in contact with OW as he had spent 3 months lying to the counsellor!!

 

Counselling with him right now, i feel, would be pointless. How can someone help him, or us .... while he sits there and lies ??

 

All he says now is that he just needs time to get over it all and then his depression will lift and that IC and meds dont work for him ...... I have tried and tried and tried but he wont listen.

 

Our joint counsellor did confirm he was depressed and she told me it is very common for affairs to happen when the spouse has just lost someone in their life ... and that he not only has to deal with loosing OW, but now (for the 1st time) he needs to deal with loosing his dad too