Open Marriage vs. the alternative?

[misternoname]

New here...need some unbiased opinions.

 

My wife and I have been married for 24 years and have been together since high school. A few years ago I caught her having an affair. It ended very poorly and many people were hurt. We worked diligently to repair the issues that created the problem. Some of it was my fault and some of it hers. I'd describe our current situation as light years ahead of where we were before the incident occured. One of the conditions was for her to be totally honest in the future. She agreed that before she ever fooled around again she would tell me up front and allow me to leave with my dignity in tact.

 

Today, four years later she dropped a bomb on me. She mentioned that although she has done absolutely nothing wrong since the affair (I believe her...I have kept track of her actions) she was having the mid life crisis "itch." She told me that she is absolutely certain that I am the only person she has ever loved and desires to stay married forever. However, she feels father time creeping up (we're both in our early forties). She has proposed that we experiment with an open marriage for a short while. Her logic is that we would both get to experience the things we missed out on by meeting and marrying so young without compromising our marriage. She's willing to set very definite rules and keep emotions completely out of it. No "relationships", just sex. She has suggested we re-evaluate the situation at a set point in time. If either of us are no longer comfortable we each have veto power to end it.

 

I expressed some concerns and indicated that although I'm not saying 100% "no" I am leaning toward a different path. Her response was that she suggested it because she would rather do this than fall into a situation that would hurt either of us. Although she didn't indicate that my not going along with it is a deal breaker, I get the impression I'm not really having much say. If I disagree, I fear she will force a separation.

 

Needless to say, I'm very conflicted. I have remained faithful throughout our marriage. I have often bitched about missing out on sexual experiences so maybe I asked for it. At the same time, I'm comfortable maintaining a monogamous relationship. We have a very healthy sex life. We're both equally attractive so it's not a matter of one side being deprived. I want to keep my wife...we've come a long way and worked very hard to get to were we are. I appreciate her being honest...experiencing an affair on my side of the equation was very difficult.

 

Any advice? Has this worked for you or was it a prelude to disaster?

 

I look forward to your opinions and I will share all thoughts with her as well.

[Micke81]

Husband and I tried something similar, and it was prelude to disaster. I fell in love with the other guy. Didn't intend too, but I did. I stayed with my husband and I still love him, but it's a very complicated and hard situation. If you do go along with this, I say a very firm, get to know the other people as little as possible and never have the same people more than once policy is in order. But honestly, you don't seem to like this idea, so I say don't do it at all. This isn't something that you should go into lightly.

[blind_otter]

Although in the past I was able to easily separate love from sex, I can no longer do that. I'm lucky in a way because I did sow my wild oats quite a bit before I settled down with my SO.

 

I just feel like -- if you are having sex with someone, and are friends with them, there will always be a chance that one or the other (or both!) will catch feelings, and then it's disastrous for the people in the open marriage.

 

I mean, different strokes for different folks. I just know I couldn't handle it. I've had my share of meaningless sexual encounters and ultimately I found them empty, cold, and unsatisfying.

[Cobra_X30]

Any advice? Has this worked for you or was it a prelude to disaster?

 

I look forward to your opinions and I will share all thoughts with her as well.

 

 

Here is my suggestion. Walk away from your keyboard immediately and go talk to a divorce lawyer.

 

Your wife is going to play you as long as you permit her to do so. IF she respected you she would not be doing this. Being honest about it doesnt change the fact that it's complete crap!

 

In my opinion, your Marriage is a waste of your time. Go find a better woman who actually loves you. I sense your afraid to divorce. Give up that fear and you will find your power!

[Blue Eyed Brain]

I asked my H for the same thing and he told me NO. So, I've had EA's and now I want PA's. My H is in denial that anything is wrong. He has cheated on me and I have not with him.

 

We are now liquidating our assets and I will probably file for divorce in a week or so.

 

We lost whatever we had. We can't get it back. I lost a man I thought I loved and he lost his possession.

 

So, if you don't give it to her, she will seek it out. If you do, you run the risk of losing her - either way you may lose her; so which way would be less painful.

 

Have you sought marriage counseling?

 

If your sex life is great, why does she want other men? Are you emotionally there for her? Something is wrong that you may not see.

[Meaplus3]

Here is my suggestion. Walk away from your keyboard immediately and go talk to a divorce lawyer.

 

Your wife is going to play you as long as you permit her to do so. IF she respected you she would not be doing this. Being honest about it doesnt change the fact that it's complete crap!

 

In my opinion, your Marriage is a waste of your time. Go find a better woman who actually loves you. I sense your afraid to divorce. Give up that fear and you will find your power!

 

I must agree with Cobra here 100%.

 

AP:D

[BetrayedMM]

If you allow this, it will destroy you. Both you personally, and you as a couple. My suggestion(if you're sure she isn't screwing around already), I would start getting very adventurous in bed with her, try new things, pursue her sexually, romance her, seduce her every day. Every time you make love, do it in a different way, alter positions, rough one time, gentle the next, variations, locations, etc. Concentrate on foreplay, more than usual. She is in her sexual prime, and let me tell you, if you do this you will enjoy the ride. She has an itch, as her husband it is your job to scratch it, not somebody else's. And, make sure you scratch it thoroughly. Every day.

 

If there is a physical limit to what you can do, get viagra, or something similar. If you are depressed, get paxil, I lasted for hours whether I wanted to or not, chances are you will too.

 

My point- YOU be the one to provide those experiences, with the side benefit of recieving the same.

[Owl]

Tell her that "forsaking all others" meant both emotionally and physically.

 

Personally, I'd bet you a large sum that she's already started something with someone...she's trying to stave off a second d-day by getting your ok to do this with him BEFORE you find out about it.

 

And quite bluntly, this spells a recipe of disaster for your marriage if you go through with it.

 

I'd heartily suggest counseling. I'd suggest both marriage counseling, and going to a therapist that can help you both figure out what's lacking in your physical relationship that the two of you can work through so that she's satisfied at home.

 

There's no need to seek someone else outside of the marriage...there's never a "good reason" for an open marriage. Its simply a matter of not having actually worked through the 'issues' to fix the problems.

[Mustang Sally]

She's willing to set very definite rules and keep emotions completely out of it.

Hmmm.

"The best laid plans....often go astray."

 

If either of us are no longer comfortable we each have veto power to end it.

By then, the damage is already done.

Do you honestly think that both of you can keep it "unemotional" and about "sex only"? For the majority of humans, emotions are very tied to sexual relationships...

 

I get the impression I'm not really having much say. If I disagree, I fear she will force a separation.

Look.

If you don't want this type of arrangement (and I certainly wouldn't, if I were you - nor do I think many people would tolerate it or be able to stick to her stated rules), then why would you want to be in a marriage with someone who does? I think the fact that she is suggesting this says a whole heckuvalot about just where she's at emotionally with your marriage, my friend.

 

We have a very healthy sex life.

Methinks someone (she) is obviously not satisfied with it....

Have you talked specifically about this with her?

Has this worked for you or was it a prelude to disaster?

I have not, nor ever would, try an "open marriage." If I felt the need for that, I'd have to just go ahead and end it. So, without personal experience, I'd still have to say that it sounds like choice B - disaster - to me.

[IM5150]

It sounds like she already has someone in mind.

[Tomcat33]

I think what your wife is doing is positive, she promised you that she would be honest with you and she is doing just that. If she really wanted to she could have just gone ahead and had something on the side and been extra careful not to get caught, when a person cheats they also learn a lot from the experience in terms of covering their steps so if she was just out for herself she could have easily just done that, you know that by now.

 

People often claim to want nothing but honesty in a rel. but when faced with the situation of a partner's revelations which can be upsetting, they deal with it in a negative manner thus making the person opening up retrieve from doing so. So make sure you don't inhibit your wife from opening up to you, she has enough respect for you to tell you how she feels and what she is thinking rather than acting selfishly behind your back and this should be noted.

 

Now in terms of what you do with this new found knowledge you should lay it out on the line and reciprocate your honest feelings about this with her. Only then and seeing her reaction will you be able to determine if this is a passing thought or if she is determined to make this happen. If she understands you as much as you are willing to understand her she will see that something like this has to be agreed upon on both sides in order for it to work and not harm the rel., emotions cannot be kept at bay and sometimes the most innocuous of encounters can turn out to be lethal. You just never know.

 

I would sit down with her and weigh out the pros and cons and in that list you make her realise that there is a possibility that you could very well develop feelings for a new woman just as she can for a new man, and if that's the case, then what? What will she do if you fall in love with another woman?

 

Talk to her and until then don't over react consider yourself lucky that she learned her lesson from the past and she does not want to betray your trust.

Edited January 30, 2008 by Tomcat33

[Tomcat33]

PS the suggestion that someone mentioned to meet only with sexual partners of which you will only meet once and not ask much about them in order to avoid developing emotional ties with them seems rather revolting. In this day in age do people meet with a series of random people to have sex with, and what kind of people are open to that idea? Maybe if you paid escorts fine because escorts seem to me like they would take precution in keeping their health in check. But people you would pull off the street for one night stands.... turns my stomach.

Edited January 30, 2008 by Tomcat33

[Cobra_X30]

Talk to her and until then don't over react consider yourself lucky that she learned her lesson from the past and she does not want to betray your trust.

 

Tom,

 

I got the impression that the lesson she learned is that she CAN be open about this. She is no longer afraid of him leaving, thus no need to be dishonest. I have the feeling that she already has a man in mind.

 

Maybe I'm a respect freak... but I don't think you can love someone you can't respect. It doesn't sound like she respects him, therefore... no love.

 

Do you agree?

[Tomcat33]

Tom,

 

I got the impression that the lesson she learned is that she CAN be open about this. She is no longer afraid of him leaving, thus no need to be dishonest. I have the feeling that she already has a man in mind.

 

Maybe I'm a respect freak... but I don't think you can love someone you can't respect. It doesn't sound like she respects him, therefore... no love.

 

Do you agree?

 

 

You have a point but let me ask you this:

 

if she were so sure he wouldn't leave why wouldn't she just go ahead and have the fling behind his back and let the chips fall where they may? If she were sure he would not leave then she would be willing to risk him not finding out because even if he did she was sure of the outcome.

 

Are you a respect freak or do you have traditional views on respect? You see in this rel. it appears the OP mentioned that he had been complaining quite a bit about monogamy or not having other experiences so in her head maybe she sees her request as something they can both benefit from and not as something necessarily disrespecful (?)

[curiousnycgirl]

This is a very interesting post - so rather than join the herd, I'm going to take your wife's statement at face value - let's assume nothing has started but she wants to experiment, first question is can you even remotely be open to that (you seem to be taking a very open/fair/balance approach, so I can't tell).

 

My only suggest to you is to reject the concept of letting eachother date others - I think this is a recipe for disaster. However would you consider going with her to a swingers club? From what I understand this would allow you each lots of different experiences without any of the emotional involvment. No pretense of dating, etc. You would have the advantage of knowing everything that is going on (as long as she commits to always only go together)

 

Personally I couldn't do it, but I have a dear friend who did for a while, and found it to be a wonderful experience at the time (she has since stopped by her own choice).

 

Best of luck to you - you sound like you are such a nice, fair man!

[Tomcat33]

Tom,

I have the feeling that she already has a man in mind.

 

 

 

oh wait I just reread this do you mean maybe she has someone in mind she is wanting to start an affair with? Interesting....

 

if that's the case then that's simple make her pick 5 men and HE gets to choose which one of the 5 men she can have. That will rain on her parade for sure if she already has someone in mind and there is more to it than meets the eyes!

Edited January 30, 2008 by Tomcat33

[misternoname]

Wow...I am overwhelmed by the response and opinions. Thanks to you all. I'm going to sit down with her tonight and go over everything said point by point. Any more feedback is greatly appreciated.

 

P. S. Thanks Curiousnycgirl...I am a pretty decent guy. Just a hopeless romantic I guess!

[Cobra_X30]

if she were so sure he wouldn't leave why wouldn't she just go ahead and have the fling behind his back and let the chips fall where they may? If she were sure he would not leave then she would be willing to risk him not finding out because even if he did she was sure of the outcome.

 

Are you a respect freak or do you have traditional views on respect? You see in this rel. it appears the OP mentioned that he had been complaining quite a bit about monogamy or not having other experiences so in her head maybe she sees her request as something they can both benefit from and not as something necessarily disrespecful (?)

 

Simple. We typically lie to control other peoples perception of us and what we do. Most of us have a desire to be honest, lets face it... honesty requires less effort. So, as I see it, she has the ability to be fairly honest about this, because she feels her own power over him. Meaning she has no fear of him leaving, or perhaps even finding another woman. In fact if he did... I think she may be hurt and jealous. She just thinks that he wont/cant, as irrational as that thought may be.

 

Whether she believes that they can both benefit from this or not does not really matter. The fact is that he was upset about the previous affair, and seems to want monogamy. Therefore she is not respecting his feelings or opinion, which is very, very unloving.

 

He seems to think that she will seperate from him if he doesnt agree to an open marriage. See that is her leveraging the power she feels she has over him. I generally take a very dim view of people who take advantage of their partners love to manipulate them for selfish gain!

 

I'd say walk out on her... or let her do what she wants and hope at some point God kicks her in the face. Which is just another reason I would make a bad Deity. I'd probably drop a piano on her head!

[EnigmaXOXO]

She agreed that before she ever fooled around again she would tell me up front and allow me to leave with my dignity in tact.

 

I think many couples make these sort of promises to each other during the course of their relationships. Or at least something very similar to it.

 

Ours: If I find myself no longer in love with you, and becoming invested in someone else, I’ll at least show you the respect you deserve as a human being by letting go of you no matter the pain or sacrifice to me.

 

Of course, it’s the rare person who can follow through on those promises when it really counts.

 

My sister and ex brother-in-law tried the swinging thing for a while. And a good friend and her husband ... as well as a couple my parents once knew, tried the open relationship thing. In every instance, it was the ladies who got too emotionally attached to their surrogate lovers and the husbands who could not handle it after a while. And it was the last straw that ended in their divorces. Nasty ones, to boot.

 

Since I only know personally of three of these instances, I still can’t say that it turns out so ugly for everyone who tries it. I just know (from what I’ve seen) it isn’t a place where I’d want to see me and the person I love go. I’d rather be free and single to explore my options without limitations and “rules” than to twist myself (or my partner) into emotional knots trying to accept what is clearly outside of our personal comfort zones.

[Tomcat33]

Simple. We typically lie to control other peoples perception of us and what we do. Most of us have a desire to be honest, lets face it... honesty requires less effort. So, as I see it, she has the ability to be fairly honest about this, because she feels her own power over him. Meaning she has no fear of him leaving, or perhaps even finding another woman. In fact if he did... I think she may be hurt and jealous. She just thinks that he wont/cant, as irrational as that thought may be.

 

Whether she believes that they can both benefit from this or not does not really matter. The fact is that he was upset about the previous affair, and seems to want monogamy. Therefore she is not respecting his feelings or opinion, which is very, very unloving.

 

He seems to think that she will seperate from him if he doesnt agree to an open marriage. See that is her leveraging the power she feels she has over him. I generally take a very dim view of people who take advantage of their partners love to manipulate them for selfish gain!

 

I'd say walk out on her... or let her do what she wants and hope at some point God kicks her in the face. Which is just another reason I would make a bad Deity. I'd probably drop a piano on her head!

 

 

Gees Cobra that's an awful lot of assumptions based on some very limited information put foth here.

 

I guess it all boils down to perception doesn't it?

[bligh]

I feel for you. This must be really difficult. I may be old fashioned but I think this is a terrible idea, and I agree that she must have someone in mind. Myself, I couldn't separate my feelings for my wife from the fact that she would rather have somewhat mechanical sex with another man then to make love to me. I would have a hard time having her leave the house with the knowledge that she would be in bed with some other guy within the hour. I would also be thinking, when we did have sex, " does she enjoy it more with him (them?) than with me? Could I smell the scent of another guy on her and act like it doesn't bother me?

 

If you decide to do it, good luck. Me, I would probably go RAMBO on the other guys just thinking about it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Her response was that she suggested it because she would rather do this than fall into a situation that would hurt either of us. Although she didn't indicate that my not going along with it is a deal breaker, I get the impression I'm not really having much say. If I disagree, I fear she will force a separation.

 

This is a clear indication that she does not want an open marriage in the true sense (in which both parties are 100% in agreement) - she just wants to f*ck around while staying married. My guess? She already is, and just wants to present it as an open marriage so that she can pretend that she 'just met him' and still get away with f*cking around. An open marriage is not simply about f*cking other people while staying married. Do some internet searches on polyamory and you'll see what I mean. The very idea that it is a "give me an open marriage or I will leave you" precludes a truly open marriage.

 

Any advice? Has this worked for you or was it a prelude to disaster?

 

It didn't work for us. We realized after some time of an 'open marriage' that what we really needed was the ability to live our lives separately but still keep each other close. So, we did that. We are closer now nearly three years after the separation than we ever were married. We just work better as family members than we did husband and wife. For us, 'open marriage' was just the precursor to divorce. Oddly enough, it worked out for the best in the long run for us but not well for the marriage.

 

I think what your wife wants is to have the comfort and security of her marriage, but still be able to f*ck other people. If she has to do it as an ultimatum, and you aren't 100% on board with it, then that isn't an open marriage. That is a regular marriage with an infidelity loophole. Big difference.

 

You may want to save yourself a few limping, painful years and just go ahead with a divorce.

[Tomcat33]

If you decide to do it, good luck. Me, I would probably go RAMBO on the other guys just thinking about it.

 

 

:lmao:

 

My kind of man!

As it should be if you really love someone....

[Owl]

My guess? She already is, ...

 

My point exactly, LB!

[misternoname]

For those who are still interested, here's the follow up/aftermath...

 

After a lot of soul searching, I told her I was not comfortable with her suggestion. Initially, she became more distant and threatened to move out several times. She went on a girls trip last weekend. Before she left she told me she wasn't 100% sure she was coming back. I left it at that and started to prepare for life 2.0. When she returned, she sat me down and told me she had decided that the whole idea was stupid, selfish and patently unfair. We talked for a very long time. She agreed that she was in the midst of a mid life crisis. While away, she took some personal inventory and weighed out the potential "fun" and "excitement" of the single scene vs. the security and certainty of a stable marriage and concluded that she was risking way too much by leaving. She adamently denied that she had already gone too far (she's a terrible liar and when she screwed up four years ago she told all). She did admit to hanging out in bars and flirting with guys but never anything more than that. My past expereince with her has made me very savy...I know what to look for and how to do it and I've found no evidence that she's been involved in a clandestine relationship.

 

Since that talk, she has done a 180. She's loving, attentive and open. This is all very recent so I'm going to go with it as long as her behavior continues as is.

 

She purchased a book about mid life crisis' and has discovered many themes that parallel what she's been experiencing. It's really caused her to do some deep self assessing.

 

I appreciate everyone's advice. I'm going forward with optomisim but I'll always keep one eye open.