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Who is wrong the person checking and finding the truth, or the person cheating?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

 
 
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Old 6th January 2008, 4:02 AM   #1
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Who is wrong the person checking and finding the truth, or the person cheating?

Please comment on the posts if you can, it will be appreciated.

I had to go to south africa to visit my parents with our daughter. My parents paid for the plane tickets for all 3 of us. Since all the problems started, my wife decided that she doesn't want to go with us anymore, so we cancelled the tickets. This cost my parents dearly, and I decided stuff it, but I will go with my daughter, even if she doesn't want to go. I went ahead and bought the tickets for two weeks. Not much, but at least they have a chance to see her.

My wife took the opportunity to take a full month off work as nonpaid leave with some lie about needing to do some stuff in russia with property. They allowed it, so she was going to visit her parents and have some fun there... Then I looked at the messanger logs, and saw her performing even more and more explicit cyber sex with this guy. Eventually I even captured them both getting completely naked on the webcam and masturbating for each other. Ok, so it is not physical, but I am now pretty sure what they intend to do if they even decide to meet.

This trip to russia has also now expanded to a quick tour to germany. He is also not at his home number. I got this information and phoned his mobile. It is automatically directed to voicemail for the last couple of days. When I phoned his home number, and asked for him, the person on the other side said that he was on holiday and will not be home for a week or two. I saw on the messanger logs that they were planning to meet in germany.

Before she went to germany, we were texting each other regulary, with successive messages, and small conversations. As soon as she landed in germany, her phone is off, and only one or two very succint messages are left. When she messaged me last time, I heard that I was on speakerphone and heard another person there for a split second. She was also very aloof in her conversational style. Didn't want to say anything specific. Didn't want to express any emotion towards me, unlike usual and only wanted to speak to our daughter, because then she could promise her presents.

It was acutally quite weird. The hotel where she is booked in, doesn't have a phone number and also doesn't take credit cards, only cash. I think they also don't really take names. You just come and say I booked for abc123. And they check and let you in. No ID required.

I am really sure that he was in the room there with her, and she only responds to my messages quickly when he is not with her, or when she has a chance to do it in secret. In her last e-mail to me, she said that she will always want other company from other guys, but she wants to keep staying with me because we are now family.

I don't really know what to do. For her it is the excitement to meet a stranger, have sex, and then enjoy hiding things. She lies to me straight in my face all the time. I confronted her last time when she sent a picture of just her breasts. I was really angry, wanted to explode. Now she doesn't know it, but I know about how their relationship progressed.

I don't know if she is just using him for some fun, which is not good because it is still cheating on me, but at least I know for a fact now that she did. I mean really, if you both strip for each other on the webcam, masturbate, and then meet, and she only responds every couple of hours after they went to a hotel room, tells me they are quite intimate and she quickly looks at the phone when he is either in the bathroom, or she is there and she can message when he cannot see her.
She is lying to him also because she told him that she is completely separated from me but I can't accept it.

Weird, because she tells me the opposite. She gives me endless reasons why she would not sleep with him. I know it is the way she works, because when it is the way we met. I was on the bed with her, when she phoned her previous husband with a story to cover what we were doing. Only when she was really careless, did she say that she was going to stay with me the night, but she was sleeping on the couch. He just responded with "was sex good" She moved out to me shortly after, because she knew she was busted. She now thinks she has me completely bamboozled by lying to me. I play along, but I am not really sure why.

I love my child, but even feelings for her is starting to wain, because it is because of her that I have to stay involved with this woman. I recently discovered that before me she cheated on her previous husband with about 5 different guys on regular intervals. Each time with convenient excuse on why it can be justified. Obviously when I was the guy she cheated with I didn't really take much concern. I justfied my behaviour with the fact that he was a true alcoholic and I was generally much better behaved and "better" for her. Now here is another guy, he is academically "better" than me in terms of qualifications, but he is financially not better?!?!... How I don't understand. Anyway, this guy is finishing off his qualifications and then going back to the USA to finish off his PHD. Then he will maybe do applications to come to australia. I don't know if he expects her to go to the USA, but if I can provide a way for her to be in europe, then she will not go to the USA, because it is much closer to be in europe. She really wants to be close to her parents and friends, and I don't think the USA will help much.

Next thing, her parents are not for her going to another husband. The thing is, they cannot see anything generally wrong with me. I helped her to see them for the first time in 4 years, and she has been back there 3 times in 4 years. This is not bad. I paid for everything, and generally I don't have anything really objectionable. Now this new guy is nothing more and he will definately not bring her closer to them. He might be able to get her to europe, but that means he needs to change all his plans also.

I need to see what happens when she comes back from her trip in about two weeks. Then I can monitor their conversations and see what happens and how it progresses. I think I will install some mics in the house while she is gone so that I can record conversations while she is busy stripping for him in different places in the house. I think it is only fair since she spent about 11,000 australian dollar to keep him private from me and go have sex with him. That money came from my retrenchment package.

The only reason I put up with all this is because I really love my daughter, and if I decide to split from her, I will not want to print and distribute all the pictures and evidence I have. Mainly because I am not that kind of a person, but she has no problems saying I am just being controlling and paranoid and don't give her any freedom, so I should just be gone and it is my fault. I am just suspicious for no reason and I stuffed up.

Why is it, that the person doing the monitoring and finding the evidence and the truth to lies is the one that is in the wrong, but not the person doing the cheating and lying all the time?
How does that work?

Man I hate being lied to, but now the problem is that in australia I received legal advice, and all the guy told me was that in the current situation I can spend 100,000 AUD in legal fees to loose a case for custody and have her take my daughter to either Russia or the USA, or I can split up with her and use the same money to go visit my daughter more often.

I know that she was very depressed, and she has really opened up as a person, but now she has seen this level of openning up as acceptable also.
What should I do? I am sure I won't have her permanently walking out on me, and I can have a good future growing our child and being a very good part of her life as her dad, but I will probably have a very false relationship with my wife because I need to constantly pretend that I don't know what she is doing. I guess I am staying in this relationship then for one reason and one reason only and that is my daughter. It is the constant devious nature of her communications and lies that makes me loose the true love I had for her. I still love her, but it has some serious doubts. I read many times that you cannot re-build a realtionship after such an event where one person was caught cheating unless they make a true effort to prove their faithfullness, but on her side has always only been excuses on why I need to give her more freedom and that I am being paranoid.

If I meet someone else in my path, what should I do? should I then go for it and go for the possible happy marriage one day. Starting that relationship in an atmosphere of cheating again really irks me, and I don't want to start by lying also. It just puts me in the same situation, although I can truly say that I really really never even considered the possibility of looking at another woman since I met my wife.

There might be other very good fish in the sea, and finding them could lead me to may affairs along the way, but I don't want to take that chance if it means I can loose my daughter. The problem is I am not a russian citizen and if she decides to go there, I have no way of seeing my daughter without getting my then ex-wife to sponsor a visa for me each time. My daughter can't also just come visit me because my then ex-wife won't come visit me and accompany my daugher for the next 5-7 years until she is old enough to do the trip alone on the plane.

My wife is really depressed because she misses her friends and family in russia, so if she is rejected somewhere else, the chance of going back there and having an excuse to do so is very possible for her to make the move back. Doesn't matter what reasons she might put against it.
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Old 6th January 2008, 4:18 AM   #2
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So this is why we do not marry people that are in a relationship with us do to cheating on their exes.

You can either do what you are doin gknow and feel like crap, divorce her, or offer up an open marriage where you are both free to date other people.
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Old 6th January 2008, 8:31 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pietervanzyl View Post
I love my child, but even feelings for her is starting to wain, because it is because of her that I have to stay involved with this woman.
so let the feelings wane entirely then your lack of access post divorce won't be an issue. I'm sure your daughter will be better off too, her grandparents will love her for herself and not resent her because of her mother.

Something similar happened to someone else I met who bought a Russian wife - but because the divorce and custody laws in my country are more enlightened, he got custody of the child and his xW went back to Russia (her OM was Croatian). But he loved his daughter and the children's advocate could see that the child's bond was stronger with him than with the mother, and he didn't lose interest in the child because of the connection to her mother. Perhaps if you actually loved your child for herself, had a strong relationship with her and didn't just see her as a tie to her mother you might stand a chance of custody yourself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pietervanzyl View Post
I think it is only fair since she spent about 11,000 australian dollar to keep him private from me and go have sex with him. That money came from my retrenchment package.
I've heard of men paying women for sex before, but not men paying women to have sex with other men that they weren't even around to watch. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
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Old 6th January 2008, 8:58 AM   #4
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Sorry to hear about your woes. The way I see it is that if you really loved your daughter, you would get her away from this very sick environment. I would spend every last cent I had to get custody and provide a decent, stable environment for her.

I have a feeling you are not being honest to yourself about your feelings for your wife. You may very well still have strong emotions for her. If you do, my opinion is you should squelch them, and forge a new and more healthy life for yourself.

To answer your questions, no, I am not into surveillance techniques to catch a wayward spouse but I know how strong the urge can be to pursue such tactics.

Now that you know, what are you going to do about it?

It will not stop. This is not just an affair. It goes way and beyond that.
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Old 6th January 2008, 9:35 AM   #5
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What do YOU want?

What do you want for your daughter?

Those are the only two people you need to think seriously about. Keep what you have compiled against your wife. You will need it in court. Its no different than hiring an investigator when going thru a divorce and custody battle. Don't put yourself through any more emotional anguish by viewing it or spending more time torturing yourself with it.

Decide where you want to live and if you think you are the best parent for your child. You HAVE to put your child first, it doesn't matter what your feelings are about her. If you decide that you can't parent her because of your emotions regarding your wife, and that will make you less than the best parent then figure out who would be the best people to raise your daughter. A child needs a parent who is emotionally stable and healthy and won't resent them because of others. You need to find a life for yourself where you will be happy or at least for now, has the potential for your own happiness, because a happy parent is a better parent - as long as its a safe environment for the child. Your wife might be happy in her choices for her - but it sure doesn't sound like a healthy place to raise a child.

Take a good look at the divorce and custody laws in the area. They are different all over the world. If you live in another country from your wife, find an attorney that can help with the laws in both countries to ensure you get custody of your child, or that your child is placed with your parents if they, and you, want your child raised by them. How old is your daughter? That often plays a part in court decisions about custody too.

I'm sorry you are going thru all of this. I wish you luck.
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Old 6th January 2008, 10:15 AM   #6
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This is ridiculous. She has totally humiliated and disrespected you and your marriage. She tells you she will continue to seek company of other men. Are you just going to wait until she gives you an STD? Clearly she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Seek an attorney and divorce her and stop her from destroying your life and self-esteem as a man. Enough is enough!
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Old 6th January 2008, 10:37 AM   #7
 
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I don't get it. After reading your post, how could there be any doubt? Unless you enjoy letting her abuse you, why are you doing this? She's terrible to you. She doesn't care about you, doesn't love you. I won't say anymore as she is your wife, but what are you doing?? Get out of there!
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Old 6th January 2008, 10:57 AM   #8
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infidelity

all I can say man is this, she was cheating on a man with you when you got together. There is absolutely not doubt that she is cheating on you now with another man.
You are suffering all this hurt and betrayal for the sake of your daughter, but need to seek council for the country of your marriage, and therefor legal divorce.

To suffer under this for not true reason other than fear is ignorant, and negligent of the emotional damage this could do to your child.
A clean break has to be better than this ambiguous confusion being sent your childs way.
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Old 6th January 2008, 12:29 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pietervanzyl View Post
In her last e-mail to me, she said that she will always want other company from other guys, but she wants to keep staying with me because we are now family.

I know it is the way she works, because when it is the way we met. I was on the bed with her, when she phoned her previous husband with a story to cover what we were doing. Only when she was really careless, did she say that she was going to stay with me the night, but she was sleeping on the couch. He just responded with "was sex good" She moved out to me shortly after, because she knew she was busted.
Why are you surprized?

You helped her cheat on someone and now you are upset because she has freely chosen to cheat on you?
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Old 6th January 2008, 6:29 PM   #10
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Get a divorce. You two can co-parent together and be loving parents, just not under the same roof. Share custody and put your daughter first.

The environment your daughter will see and learn from IF you and your wife stay together will leave an impression that it's OK to cheat, to treat your spouse with disrespect and break vows. Kids (of ANY age) learn alot about relationships by what they see at home.

You and your wife need to talk. Either FIX things and make the marriage better or divorce. She cannot keep going off to be with OM. That just isn't cool at all.
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Old 6th January 2008, 6:38 PM   #11
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Quote:
Who is wrong the person checking and finding the truth, or the person cheating?

If there were no cheaters/liars, there would be no reason to verify the truth.

In empowering a cheater/liar, you reap what you sow. In disengaging from a cheater/liar, there are consequences to actions. I feel for your daughter and hope greatly for some form of happiness and stability, in her future.
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