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Decision to ruin a marriage


LorettaMermaid

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LorettaMermaid

:confused: What kind of person does it take to knowingly go after a married man when she has been friends of both the married man and his wife? This woman has been in several relationships all ending with her ultimately alone again. She uses people to get what she wants and is terribly possessive when she is in a relationship. I can remember chatting with her years ago about what she looks for in a man and the top 10 things had to do with how much money he had, owned his home, etc., nothing pertaining to being in a relationship based on love and trust - nothing about being a life-long couple of best friends. Unfortunately I've discovered that she is now an alcoholic and of course alone again. She tried to ruin my marriage and thanks to many wonderful years and his being able to see what he would be losing and that the trade would definitely be going down not up, he finally came to his senses and we are back on track to making our relationship better than it ever was. He said he never stopped loving me but she just kept coming around and shoving herself in his face... He doesn't excuse his actions and tells me he is trying his best to make it up to me. He said he couldn't believe I would take him back and I told him I had made some mistakes and the simple fact was that I love him and can't imagine being without him ever again. We're committed to each other and she has not taken their break-up well which gives me pleasure. I never want to go through that pain I felt when he left me for her. Funny thing is he says he didn't really leave me for her, he couldn't really describe what he was feeling other than youth leaving him with seeing an gray haired old man and this other woman (10 years younger) thought he was pretty cool. Of course he was and is pretty cool and I am so happy that he came back to me that I will spend the rest of my life letting him know how very cool he is to me. We never stopped loving each other and we will never take each other for granted ever again. We're taking this one day at a time and there has been some tearful times but we both think the union is worth saving and neither of us have any doubts.

 

Sometimes I feel like I've been dropped from another planet, I just don't understand how people can just think it's ok to go after a married person. :confused: I know he was a great catch, she wasn't stupid in her choice, but how does one just decide to set their sights on someone who is married and appears to be in a committed relationship? I just don't get it but then my morals are high and my marriage vows mean something. Yes my husband screwed up badly and it hurt so very badly but he very willingly came back and I do believe he will never make that mistake again. I could have divorced him and when I envision them being intimate it does drive me mad and I want to just whack him on his noggin or johnson, but I won't. I will not waste any more of my time drowning in sorrow over what he did but instead I'm determined to make our relationship so strong that if 50 women smother him with everything they have, he would still drop them all to the side and come home to me. Life is for living and we're going to have the best time ever; I've had my wake-up call. I should be grateful to this woman for waking me up but as I have no feeling whatsoever for her, I won't even give her that. Sign me "Crazy for my man"

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I hear you, lorettam. I find women who deliberately set their sights on a taken guy to be the lowest of the low.

 

All my life, no matter how much I thought the guy was a real catch-the second I heard he was in a relationship the flame went out for me, and I would not even consider liking him at that point on.

 

I realized I was different than so many people who had no issue with this.

 

I have been insulted when someone in a relationship came on to me-that they thought I would even entertain accepting position as second best. Yet so many people do.

 

I couldn't imagine entertaining the notion of being the girl on the side-and have told off people for assuming that-it made me feel horrible-not complimented!

 

I am sorry you had to deal with that nightmare, but you came out the other side sounding positive.

 

:):):)

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:confused: He said he never stopped loving me but she just kept coming around and shoving herself in his face... He doesn't excuse his actions and tells me he is trying his best to make it up to me. He said he couldn't believe I would take him back and I told him I had made some mistakes and the simple fact was that I love him and can't imagine being without him ever again. We're committed to each other and she has not taken their break-up well which gives me pleasure. I never want to go through that pain I felt when he left me for her. Funny thing is he says he didn't really leave me for her, he couldn't really describe what he was feeling other than youth leaving him with seeing an gray haired old man and this other woman (10 years younger) thought he was pretty cool.

While I admire your devotion, your desire to blame the OW sure seems to give your H a free pass. Since I'm assumming that she didn't kidnap and sexually assault him at gunpoint, he knowingly and willingly cheated on you with her. What would keep that from happening again :confused: ?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Citizen Erased

I agree with Mr. Lucky. It takes two to tango right ;) It may be easier to blame her, but he is more at fault then she is. It is his marriage he went outside of, his decision to ruin it.

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LorettaMermaid

Thanks for the replies...and I know he made a serious mistake and certainly should not have done what he did. He is doing everything he can to make it up to me and being able to trust him again will be very hard. I do know that had this woman not been so intent on making him hers, he never would have left our bed for hers.

 

I've had opportunities to cheat when OM have shown interest, and one in particular was not taking no very easily, but like I said, the marriage vows mean something to me. I guess one of the reasons why I easily blame the OW is that for as long as I've known her, over 20 years, she has operated this way and I severed ties with her over 13 years ago because she was after my husband then but denied it. He was clueless and for some reason she didn't stalk him then like this last time. I believe the difference was she was married then and this time she just happened to not be in a relationship when she came after him again. This woman came to his work place before he arrived for work, or shortly thereafter, and was also there when his work day ended. She would bring him gifts, wear short teddies under her coat and I believe that had we not been having problems at home he might have been able to tell her to shove off. Yes he was in the wrong but I still get back to the question as to why people do this. I can't imagine, say I'm widowed or divorced, of ever knowing someone appearing to be happily married, to take the steps she took to knowingly try and ruin that marriage! Without all of her pushy activity he would have never even thought of her, much less take the path he took. And yes I could go the other route and dump him just as fast as he dumped her but I love him and I have to believe that we can once again be best friends, lovers and make our union stronger than it ever was. Can I 100% believe in him again? I don't know but I am going to try. I would much rather believe him and set a course of having a great time of it with him and then find out I was wrong rather than to live each day worrying if he is being faithful and making myself miserable and our marriage straining as well. What fun would life be then? This woman never even let him have time to breathe much less think about what he was doing...and unfortunately for her, once she had him the strength of our marriage, brought him to his senses and he's never looked back. I did ask him why it was so easy to lie and act like a person I had never known. He said it wasn't easy and he can only think that he lost his mind for awhile and that he was flattered by someone 10 years younger thinking he was hot. We're not a young couple and as we feel youth running by us while we enter a more senior phase of life, I can understand that it probably was an exciting feeling even if this woman has a history of doing what she did to him. What is interesting when I asked him if the tables were reversed and I had been the one doing this, how would he feel...his answer pleased me; he does not want another man around me. So please I am not excusing him, I still want to know why OM and OW don't see someone is married and move on. What gives them the right to just ignore the fact that someone is married? I guess I have to remember that we are all just mere human beings and none of us is perfect. In a perfect world these things would not happen. I would guess the reason why the OW and OM do what they do is because they can and if they play their cards exactly right, marriages are ruined and what do they care, they got what they set out to catch. I hate knowing my husband was unfaithful and some days I just want to scream although I've only destroyed one picture of us together so I believe that is a positive sign. The funny side of this is if when these marriage wreckers are successful in their quest, their track record and the married person they sought who played the game with them, who now has a soiled past as well, should not be too surprised to learn this new relationship, based on infidelity, will soon hit the skids as well because if they did it once they are bound to do it again. Again thanks for your replies, I'm an analyst and always asking why and your input really helps.

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I can understand what you guys are trying to say, but I think you are missing the "best friend" part. There was a double betrayal here. This woman claimed to be her friend as well. It may have just been part of the act to get close to her H.

 

If she wants to place some blame on this woman who not only knew he was M'd, but also was well acquainted with the W - she should do so.

 

There is nothing worst than finding out that a friend is who your H was messing with, and that your so-called friend was messing with your H. Makes you wish you could pinch yourself and wake up and find that it was only a dream.

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I can understand what you guys are trying to say, but I think you are missing the "best friend" part. There was a double betrayal here. This woman claimed to be her friend as well. It may have just been part of the act to get close to her H.

 

If she wants to place some blame on this woman who not only knew he was M'd, but also was well acquainted with the W - she should do so.

 

There is nothing worst than finding out that a friend is who your H was messing with, and that your so-called friend was messing with your H. Makes you wish you could pinch yourself and wake up and find that it was only a dream.

 

Yeah it's a double betrayal, and because this was your so called friend, it is worse.

 

I understand what you are saying-that this didn't just develop-but that she stalked him and sexually taunted him. Of course people will say she didn't rape him at gunpoint, but it has a much nastier edge in terms of it's intentions and negation of you.

 

What were the signs of her personality? Was this a friend you welcomed with open arms? Did she do anything that gave you red flags-that made you want to distance from her initially?

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I do know that had this woman not been so intent on making him hers, he never would have left our bed for hers.

Again, I think you assume an awful lot by believing this. It seems your H will be faithful as long as it's easy to do so, the OW not too attractive or provocative, the circumstances not too tempting.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't forgive and work on your marriage. But unless you make your H own his sh*t, your marital "get out of jail free" card could easily come back to haunt you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mustang Sally

I agree with Mr. Lucky.

 

Something was broken in your M in the first place that your H even thought about venturing outside of it.

 

I suppose that it could have been only him that had the brokenness, but more than likely, it has to do with both of you in some way. That's the way I see it, anyway. Once in a relationship such as a marriage, whatever trouble befalls one partner, ultimately also befalls the other.

 

It certainly does sound like this OW was persistent. But your H could have taken oh-so-many other roads than the one that she was standing smack in the middle of....

 

Good luck with your reconciliation.

Tough, tough situation.

I feel for you.

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Again, I think you assume an awful lot by believing this. It seems your H will be faithful as long as it's easy to do so, the OW not too attractive or provocative, the circumstances not too tempting.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't forgive and work on your marriage. But unless you make your H own his sh*t, your marital "get out of jail free" card could easily come back to haunt you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That is a really good observation, harsh as it may be to hear.

This is why I like and respect LS as a forum, these differing viewpoints-boy that is so true.

 

Someone else on here once said she hoped her husband gets to stare temptation in the face then say no, as opposed to never having been tempted- because no one wants to be with someone who would cheat except hasn't met the right candidate yet.

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After re-reading the OP, I am not so sure that he is telling the whole truth about how the A got started. Either way its still a double betrayal, but something doesn't equate.

 

He lied about the A AND left her, but then came back? Why did he leave? Heck, why did he come back?

 

The age difference keeps me thinking the grass wasn't as green as he seemed to think it was going to be. And that the OW ended up with more than she bargained for (his ready made family, with a potential exW in the equation).

 

To the OP, please don't take what I am writing negatively. I am just musing "out loud" if you will. I have had to reconcile similar thoughts concerning rebuilding my own M after a betrayal, so I know how you feel. And I know that you don't fully absolve him but are really just considering her part for the moment.

 

I know it hurts, is confusing, and emotionally draining - but it will get better. You both are working at reconcilliation. It will get better even though its tough.

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While I admire your devotion, your desire to blame the OW sure seems to give your H a free pass.

 

I don't think anyone who rails against the OW/OM is giving their spouse a free pass...i think the spouse got "theirs" from the one they betrayed in person.

 

Its just that the OW/OM shouldn't get off with the old, "it wasn't me that cheated on you" bunk. They aren't innocent of anything either.

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Thanks for the replies...and I know he made a serious mistake and certainly should not have done what he did. He is doing everything he can to make it up to me and being able to trust him again will be very hard.

 

I feel for ya Loretta...but honestly, in my view...their isn't a damn thing a cheater can do to make it up to anyone...I mean really...what can a cheater possibly do to make up for sentencing a betrayed spouse to a lifetime of reliving the betrayal in their head? nothing I can think of.

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LorettaMermaid

It's true once you have been cheating, how can you ever make it up? Can anyone think of a way that can be done? Other than electric shock treatment options, how could you erase the visions in your head of your spouse and the OW or OM? I always felt special knowing that our marriage was strong enough to endure so many things and both of us worked so very hard to not let anything damage the relationship...there are things he could have done instead of go to her. He took the easy way out because whenever I spoke of counseling EVER for us, he always refused. So I guess having sex with AW was going to help? Sure, I get it. I'm entering an anger phase of this journey we are on and revenge has been dangling it's ugly little head in front of me a lot. Before when I thought of what I could do to feel better about all of this, I just pretended she was dead and not worth the breath it would take from me to even speak to her. Some of you are probably thinking I'm directing my anger at the wrong person but you have to remember I was having problems, we were having problems and I was moving away from him more and more; he felt like I didn't care anymore and I do remember the day before he left, his asking me if I thought we could make it and my reply was that I didn't know and maybe all the years we have been together was all that we were going to get. He took that as a sign that we were approaching the end. As would I too had it been coming from him. Of course I did not have the advantage of knowing he was sleeping with someone else or I know my response would have been totally different. And is the fact that he has been with AW make him seem more attractive to me now than he did the day before I found out he was cheating? All I know is that I see him in a totally different light and that every inch of my body begs for him. I just want to slit a little opening in his side to climb into so I can always be by his side; I can't explain why but that is how close to him I want to be. I can't kiss him enough, I can't hug him enough; he's like an addiction now. I don't sleep well, I have no appetite - I think about this man constantly. I feel like I'm a junior in high school and a senior boy I had a crush on has asked me to his prom - it's crazy I know but that is how far gone on him I am. If I had just shown that to him a couple of months before, I wouldn't be sharing in this forum now. I don't know how someone in my position is supposed to be acting right about now. I do know that many women can not get past this and end up divorcing so I do have to ask myself if I am I better off without him or with him and it's split down the middle right now with that vision of the two of them blinding part of my path. Do women who take their men back end up parting anyway later on? Does anyone know the success rate? Of course numbers should not matter at all anyway...we might end up in the less than 1% group and be blissfully happy until we die of old age pushing each other's walkers around. Guess I better find a crystal ball *laugh* Thanks again for all of your replies. Cheers!

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Hello. To answer your question, yes I decided to stay after the A actually after multiple A's. Yes you do grow tired of the constant wondering and the panic everytime he is out of your site! What you are doing right now is what I did after the 1st A. I thought I needed to be a better wife and show more attention, have dinner on the table more etc. Well you know what that got me? Not much but another A then another, then another, well you get the picture?!

 

Is all H who cheat doomed to do it again? I am not sure, but what I can tell you is that he cried, said and did all the right things to make me feel comfortable then it happened again! We went to counseling, he changed his patterns on the net whatever I said I needed to be done he did it.

 

It happened again. You will grow tired of the constant attention eventually because really who has time to do that! Reality is you work, you have other obligations. We had two date nights per week. All of that bull. The bottom line is this, he cheated because he was selfish end of story. He had no RESPECT for his W. His needs are more important than YOURS.

 

Does this sound like LOVE? It doesn't to me. Now that I am here way past d-day, I have discovered what was most important to be true to myself. Even if they "choose" to do whatever, they have to live with the mess they created. I will not carry his guilt or cover for his mess he created for us.

 

I am not sure what advice I can give you? You will have to be more careful. Once my H got away with it the 1st time he kept getting better and better. But I was BETTER at it than him!!! ;) That is why he was caught each time by ME.

 

Don't think this can't happen to you, I said the same thing. But look it did.

 

Good luck.

Abeliever

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I'd like to pass something along that relates to the OP's question without getting into anyone's particular situation.

 

There is scientific term actually for one woman going after a man who is already "mated" -- it is called "mate copying." This has a basis in anthropology and refers to a woman that goes after a man who already appears to be in a successful relationship. To the mate copier, this man appears to be more of a sure thing than a single man. She can observe that he has met with some success in life, provides for his wife and children, etc. The idea is that if he has built a life with another woman and the union has met with success over time, he must be worth having. The mate copier wishes to move in to the man's life taking the first mate's place, rather than attempting to build something brand new on her own.

 

Mate copiers tend to have some similar personality traits in that they have difficulty visualizing a reality that they cannot readily observe. So for instance, they might look at a single guy and not readily see the comitted husband and father they want. They feel more comfortable and certain of what they are getting with a man that already has the life they would like to have.

 

It's been awhile since I've read anything on this so I don't know if you could find more through Google.

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Why do bs always think OW is at fault. Men are the ones that usually pursue. They drop in conversation that they are not happy at home, Bla Bla Bla, they flirt openly, act as if they are not married. Once caught, they act as if its all the ow fault, Bad woman, homwrecker, He just couldnt resist. Pants just fell down, Huh? You would be amazed how they talk behind wifes back. Please dont blame all on ow, she believed his lies just like you are now. He is acking like a victim now, so you will protect him and forgive him , till the coast is clear, =then go out and do it again. He has not taken full responsibilty for his actions. And you are falling for his crap, go figure, he is the homewrecker, what happened to honoring your marriage vows?

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I think the kind of woman who goes after another woman's man is a skank. Especially if she was a friend of yours. I do have to ask if you knew she was this type of woman why would you invite her into your home. The thing is even if she is a skank and hit on your H it is his responsibility to set her straight, not fall into a sexual affair with her. I would be far more angrier at him than her. He's the one who made vows to you not her. He did what he wanted to do and was where he wanted to be. If I were you I would stop wondering why she did what she did and start to question why your H did what he did. There lies the root of your problem.

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Why do bs always think OW is at fault. Men are the ones that usually pursue. They drop in conversation that they are not happy at home, Bla Bla Bla, they flirt openly, act as if they are not married. Once caught, they act as if its all the ow fault, Bad woman, homwrecker, He just couldnt resist. Pants just fell down, Huh? You would be amazed how they talk behind wifes back. Please dont blame all on ow, she believed his lies just like you are now. He is acking like a victim now, so you will protect him and forgive him , till the coast is clear, =then go out and do it again. He has not taken full responsibilty for his actions. And you are falling for his crap, go figure, he is the homewrecker, what happened to honoring your marriage vows?

 

Lighten up. This poster had a specific situation and asked a question about her ex-friends behavior. A woman she had known and considered a family friend for many years pursued a relationship with her H. The fact that he participated doesn't excuse the ex-friend or explain her behavior.

 

Other posters, including myself, attempted to give her some answers that revolve around this OWs potential motivations which are likely specific to her own disfunction. No one is talking about you or ALL OW. No one is letting the WS spouse off the hook.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Why do bs always think OW is at fault.

 

I don't think most BS's think it is the OW's fault...but they do recognize they have some responsibility in what happened and are justified in calling them on their despicable behavior.

 

It may not totally be the OW's fault...but that doesn't mitigate their role in the situation.

 

Thats like saying, "I didn't kill the guy...I only gave the killer a ride to the crime scene".

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:confused: What kind of person does it take to knowingly go after a married man when she has been friends of both the married man and his wife? He doesn't excuse his actions and tells me he is trying his best to make it up to me. He said he couldn't believe I would take him back and I told him I had made some mistakes and the simple fact was that I love him and can't imagine being without him ever again. Sign me "Crazy for my man"

 

Because that's what you needed to wake up and treat him the way he wanted to be treated.

 

Also, I think it's interesting that he thought you wouldn't forgive him and he chose to do it anyway. Most WS either cross that bridge when they get to it or don't believe the BS will leave them.

 

At any rate, I'm glad you guys were able to work things out. I hope this OW will be okay. She's human too.

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I don't think most BS's think it is the OW's fault...but they do recognize they have some responsibility in what happened and are justified in calling them on their despicable behavior.

 

It may not totally be the OW's fault...but that doesn't mitigate their role in the situation.

 

Thats like saying, "I didn't kill the guy...I only gave the killer a ride to the crime scene".

 

Good analogy. It's not fault that's the problem. It's the missing logic...

 

At one point in time, two people decided to become one. They make vows. One person breaks them with another individual. Should they share blame equally to BS? NO. However, when a BS decides to stick it out, they choose to focus on the OW/OM.

 

If I knew I was not pulling my weight in the relationship, I'd send that "skank" a thank you card for helping me and my H out. Now, in this particular situation, I can't give anyone the victim label. You wonder what your H saw in her because she's such a horrible person, but you befriended her.

 

I don't know about the other posters but I just wish the OP would be honest with herself. If focusing on hatred for the OW makes reconciliation easier, fine. But I would find focusing on your H/M/yourself much more productive.

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