Why is remorse so hard for cheating spouse?

[abeliever]

Do we really need it? If it's forced is it real? What do we hope to gain from it? From my experience it is a way for them to try to pull the wool over our eyes if they can fake it long enough and keep the M going so they can eventually continue their A.

 

So, do we need to look to them or just inside ourselves???

 

Just wondering what you all thought???

 

 

abeliever

[reboot]

I can't answer your question. I just thought I'd post to let you know you aren't alone. I have wrestled with this same question over and over.

[Owl]

Its so hard for them because in order for them to be remorseful, the first thing they have to do is admit that what they did was wrong.

 

They'll avoid that at all costs for a long time. No one likes to be wrong. Instead, they'll come up with all kinds of "reasons" for the affair...which are typically nothing more than rationalizations for their actions.

 

Once they start coming out of that "wayward mindset"...they'll start to take responsibility for what they did. That means admitting it was wrong...and that will eventually lead to them becoming remorseful.

 

And yes, BS's need to see that. It's "proof" for them that the WS truly is repentent for what happened, is taking ownership for what they've done, and are really willing to work on the marriage. It's a critical first step towards rebuilding trust.

 

If they're not 'sorry' for what they've done, how can you believe that they won't do it again?

 

Simple enough.

[Meaplus3]

Its so hard for them because in order for them to be remorseful, the first thing they have to do is admit that what they did was wrong.

 

They'll avoid that at all costs for a long time. No one likes to be wrong. Instead, they'll come up with all kinds of "reasons" for the affair...which are typically nothing more than rationalizations for their actions.

 

Once they start coming out of that "wayward mindset"...they'll start to take responsibility for what they did. That means admitting it was wrong...and that will eventually lead to them becoming remorseful.

 

And yes, BS's need to see that. It's "proof" for them that the WS truly is repentent for what happened, is taking ownership for what they've done, and are really willing to work on the marriage. It's a critical first step towards rebuilding trust.

 

If they're not 'sorry' for what they've done, how can you believe that they won't do it again?

 

Simple enough.

 

Very well said Owl, your a wise one that's for sure!

 

AP:)

[cj1988]

I wonder the same thing EVERYDAY of my life.....my H has not shown remorse not one time, he also has never admitted to the EA or PA either, so why would he ever be remorseful. Why would anyone tell on themselves if not necessary, that way they can avoid living in the dog house like they should for a long time.....that way they can make you believe that you are crazy and they are sooooo innocent. It is dumba-- BS like myself that let them behave like this and stay, SO WHY WOULD THEY EVER SHOW REMORSE??? Besides being the selfish pricks that they are !

[reboot]

Ok, I have to take issue a little here. Not picking on cj specificly, I hear a lot of people saying similar things. I don't agree the WS should have to live in the "doghouse". They should be remorseful, they should be repentant, they should bend over backward to assure you that you're the one they want to be with, that you're the one they love. But I think it's pretty rare, and usually just a few fringe cases, where only one spouse is to blame for the state of the marriage that led up to the infidelity. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I'm just saying I think it's not the norm.

 

In order to get past it and have a good marriage, one where infidelity is very unlikely, you have to improve things for both people. A marriage where one person is suffering and miserable and in the "doghouse" is not condusive to a good relationship.

 

If all one is doing is trying to soothe their battered ego at the expense of the other partner, I think divorce is a much better alternative.

[Mz. Pixie]

Its so hard for them because in order for them to be remorseful, the first thing they have to do is admit that what they did was wrong.

 

They'll avoid that at all costs for a long time. No one likes to be wrong. Instead, they'll come up with all kinds of "reasons" for the affair...which are typically nothing more than rationalizations for their actions.

 

Once they start coming out of that "wayward mindset"...they'll start to take responsibility for what they did. That means admitting it was wrong...and that will eventually lead to them becoming remorseful.

 

And yes, BS's need to see that. It's "proof" for them that the WS truly is repentent for what happened, is taking ownership for what they've done, and are really willing to work on the marriage. It's a critical first step towards rebuilding trust.

 

If they're not 'sorry' for what they've done, how can you believe that they won't do it again?

 

Simple enough.

 

Great post Owl. Good to see you!

[Cobra_X30]

If all one is doing is trying to soothe their battered ego at the expense of the other partner, I think divorce is a much better alternative.

 

I agree with you 100%. If you stay with someone... just to punish them, thats not going to work. It wont be satisfying in the end.

 

Side Note: Reboot, you deserve someone better! Dont settle!

[cj1988]

Hello Reboot, thanks I am a big girl and love to hear honesty from anyone that is the point here right? In my case it is different, I need to explain a little....you see we split up in 2002 ( before we married, we lived together since 94) he moved out and I moved on so to speak. He left me, but wanted me to grovel forever, beg and plead and I did for a little while, then I moved on....I started hanging out with someone and had sex with him 2 times....my now H found out and went nuts !

 

So, he has tortured me about that since August of 2002...calls me a cheater ( we were not together, hello) and hates CHEATERS.....so as you see he will NEVER admit that he is what he hates about me and has kept me down for (in the doghouse) he woud die first than be what he has pinned on me all this time.....because if he is cheater I am off the hook....it is a stupid game he plays and guess what in the end his will loose the game !

 

He said why would I ever cheat and do what you did to me.....why would I do that to myself.....yeah right !

[silktricks]

My H showed remorse from the moment he told me. But I believe that is the key. He told me.

 

Had I caught him out, I believe that the "best defense is a good offense" would have kicked in. Defensiveness will keep just about anyone from admitting they have done wrong. Even my H - who told me - at times fell into the "if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done that" syndrome of self-defense.

 

As long as one is on the defense, I don't believe that are able to let down their guard enough to admit to their wrong-doing. As Owl said, until they can admit they were wrong they will be unable to experience remorse.

[Mrs.C.]

Honestly, think about this. First of all, I get that if your spouse has been cheating in any way, you are personally feeling more than a little devastated. BUT, WHAT ABOUT THIS?

 

What if your spouse fell in love and they are heartbroken? Maybe your spouse fell in love and someone brought love and life back into their soul and they are coming home, tail between legs, because they have love you and have history with you and they don't want to give you up. It is possible that although you may be the one they want for life - just like they always knew they did, someone else just brought them back to life and they are grieving what's gotta go.

 

I don't mean to minimize the pure torture of betrayal. However, remorse is for when they can think about you again, not when their head and heart is somewhere else.

[michelangelo]

One group of cheaters is a bit annoyed to have to deal with the anguished fallout from their cheating, but there is a big percentage of cheaters who really enjoy having some on the side and their marriage. This goes for both men and women who cheat.

 

There is a group of cheaters who express regret that they hurt you in the process ONCE CAUGHT, but if you have one of that kind of cheater, have you noticed that they never really express how awful they feel about them self that they did the cheating? Doesn't happen. What they want is the "punishment" of the revelation and recovery process to end so they can get on with things.

 

Waiting for a cheater such as the kinds I mention above to make an unprompted expression of remorse is a fruitless task.

[norajane]

I don't agree the WS should have to live in the "doghouse". They should be remorseful, they should be repentant, they should bend over backward to assure you that you're the one they want to be with, that you're the one they love. But I think it's pretty rare, and usually just a few fringe cases, where only one spouse is to blame for the state of the marriage that led up to the infidelity. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I'm just saying I think it's not the norm.

 

Yes, a BS can take responsibility for their part in the state of the marriage leading up to the affair.

 

However, the state of the marriage leading up to the affair is NOT an excuse for cheating! Those issues should have been addressed as a couple WITHOUT one partner choosing to handle things by going outside the marriage for sex and companionship!

 

Isn't that the whole concept behind marriage? That you are committing to your partner? And that commitment means you will try to work through your issues? What is the point of making a marriage commitment if, when the going gets rough, you choose to go out and bang or bond with someone else? Where exactly is the commitment to your partner in a cheating scenario?

 

Just because there were issues in the marriage that both spouses contributed to in no way absolves the cheater for each and every choice they made into an affair. And for that, yes, they should feel an aching remorse - they heaped MORE problems onto an already rocky marriage instead of dealing with the problems already existing, and they heaped a tremendous amount of pain onto their spouse that the BS now has to swallow before any actual issues can truly be resolved.

 

Part of the consequence is facing the anger and pain of the BS...living in the doghouse. Not forever, but as long as the pain and anger is there, why should the cheating spouse be spared from knowing that it still exists and that it is still present or that it is still triggered on occasion? Isn't that more honest than pretending the anger is not there and everything is peachy keen?

[michelangelo]

The curse of the BS is they think of the affair every day, even years later.

 

The US? Never thinks of it unless it is brought up to 'em.

 

Unless they want more of it.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, a BS can take responsibility for their part in the state of the marriage leading up to the affair.

 

However, the state of the marriage leading up to the affair is NOT an excuse for cheating! Those issues should have been addressed as a couple WITHOUT one partner choosing to handle things by going outside the marriage for sex and companionship!

 

Isn't that the whole concept behind marriage? That you are committing to your partner? And that commitment means you will try to work through your issues? What is the point of making a marriage commitment if, when the going gets rough, you choose to go out and bang or bond with someone else? Where exactly is the commitment to your partner in a cheating scenario?

 

Just because there were issues in the marriage that both spouses contributed to in no way absolves the cheater for each and every choice they made into an affair. And for that, yes, they should feel an aching remorse - they heaped MORE problems onto an already rocky marriage instead of dealing with the problems already existing, and they heaped a tremendous amount of pain onto their spouse that the BS now has to swallow before any actual issues can truly be resolved.

 

Part of the consequence is facing the anger and pain of the BS...living in the doghouse. Not forever, but as long as the pain and anger is there, why should the cheating spouse be spared from knowing that it still exists and that it is still present or that it is still triggered on occasion? Isn't that more honest than pretending the anger is not there and everything is peachy keen?

 

Great post, NJ.

[Woggle]

Because they don't feel remorseful. In order to cheat a person has to be selfish already and have an entitlement complex. That doesn't g way just because they get caught.

[bish]

Why is remorse hard for a cheating spouse? Because they are cheaters....selfish people..simple as that.

[michaelk]

I find it interesting that a question which can best be answered by wayward spouses is pretty much entirely getting responses from betrayed spouses. Unless you can create a forum where the WS can tell you what they really think and feel, you're just speculating, aren't you?

 

That aside, I agree with most of what both Owl and reboot have said.

[reboot]

There simply aren't that many WS on here.

[cj1988]

I think Mrs. C gave the best answer. If they are caught and have to quit something that obviously was giving them something they want or need in their life, why feel bad or remorse. The BS just ruined th happiness they were obviously looking for in the first place. You feel bad when you KNOW you have done something wrong and feel bad for doing, not for something or someone you may still be in love with and the BS just ruined that for them....that wouls cause them resentment towards you for ending the FUN, why feel bad for the BS....

[michaelk]

There simply aren't that many WS on here.

 

Well, I think that's a shame. On the one hand, I'm sure it's great for BS to have a forum where they can get support from others in similar situations. But on the other hand, you can't really understand why "cheaters" do what they do unless you can ask them. And I guess it's not too surprising that they would feel hesitant to wade in among the "cheaters are evil, plain and simple" mindset.

 

Oh well.

[cj1988]

Evil does not describe what cheaters really are......far worst than that !

[michaelk]

....that wouls cause them resentment towards you for ending the FUN, why feel bad for the BS....

 

I think "fun" is a vast oversimplification. I don't know about others, but I didn't cheat for fun. Much of the time I wasn't enjoying myself. It was an emotionally wrenching experience that I was totally unprepared for, and it almost led me to a nervous breakdown.

 

And no, I'm not looking for sympathy here. I'm just pointing out that there are dangers to using stereotypes.

[michaelk]

Evil does not describe what cheaters really are......far worst than that !

 

I understand that this world view probably makes it easier for you to cope. It doesn't jibe with my experience, though.

[cj1988]

Why did you keep doing it if it was not fun? Also, what almost drove you to a breakdown, the loss of the OW or your wife or what you had done?

 

The reason I ask is because after I accused my H of the A he still denies, he almost had a nervousbreakdown for 2 weeks, panic attacks etc...until he finally told me he could not take what I accused him of and wanted out......he was still talking and confiding in her all this not me.....what was he so upset about....the truth I caught him and it was out or that I was now ruining the A and he had to stop because everyone was finding out about what I accused him of?