Stories from divorced women who stayed for the kids first

[JustBreathe]

I need someone to tell me I can stick this out for another 3.5 years.

 

Are there any women out there who stayed just long enough for the kids to get out of high school then divorced their cheater husbands? Are there women out there who ARE staying for the kids presently?

 

Please don't tell me to leave my husband now. It is not possible. I have to wait. I have no choice.

 

I've been married 25 years. 3.5 more is not so long to wait, is it?

[amaysngrace]

My cousin's husband cheated on her right after she had their third child. He left her in her youngest son's senior year in HS, as soon as the boy turned 18. It really ruined his senior year.

 

I don't know what to tell you. Divorce is never easy on the kids. No matter when you decide to file.

 

But I'm not sure which is worse for them...to be living in an unhappy home or seeing both of their parents apart but happy.

 

You know your kids best. Are you sure that staying is the right thing to do for them?

[JustBreathe]

I am sure it's the best thing for them or I would not be doing it. Believe me, I have gone round and round with this in my heart.

[Batman7]

I am a man in the same situation with my wife (she cheated). I've stuck it out for the kids. How could I let her steal away all the precious moments with my kids. It's hard to do, and I miss being in love, and having real inttmacy with a loving spouse. Having said that, nothing would hurt me more than not being in my kids life everyday and building memories with them. Infidelity is a horrible thing, and if there are people out there that get the truth and a real sense of sorrow from the cheater that's great. I didn't get that and never will. But I will not let that keep me from being a real father to my chidren. I commend you for trying to make it easier for your children, and giving them the feeling of being in a real family with a father and mother.

 

Maybe you and your husband will find your way back to true love with one another along the way, I don't know. Isn't it amazing how the cheaters really don't see how the consequences affect so many people. Keep the faith, be strong. I think that happiness will find you again as well as myself.

[KATANYA]

I need someone to tell me I can stick this out for another 3.5 years.

 

You can stick it out for as long as you NEED to - women are incredibly strong when it comes to doing what they NEED to do, expecially for their children.....you just have to be able to figure out why you NEED to and if it will do you more damage than good. I don't know the details but anyone call tell you that you can do it....but at what cost on you and your children?

 

 

Are there any women out there who stayed just long enough for the kids to get out of high school then divorced their cheater husbands? Are there women out there who ARE staying for the kids presently?

 

I left my H with two children under school age in tow.......and never looked back. There was NO POSSIBLE WAY that staying was going to do anything positive in the long run for me or the children. I would have rathered (and did rather) risk having NOTHING than live the way I was living - you are staying for the kids...I left for them!

 

 

Please don't tell me to leave my husband now. It is not possible. I have to wait. I have no choice.

 

Why is it not possible? Why do you have no choice? Is it a financial issue or a control issue or because you feel your children will not understand and you will lose them? Is it because you still love H and feel he will change? If leaving is really what you KNOW is the right thing to do then yes, 3.5 years more is way too long to wait...you have already spent 25 years of your life dedicated to him and you are miserable and need out. Why not just get out and start living YOUR life. IMO, and for my situation, my leaving my exH and showing my children that I could take care of my and their wellbeing, that they will be loved no matter what, that I was deserving of being treated with respect and deserving of having a happy life. It taught them more about human strength and integrety than staying in a home that I was miserable in with a man that I was miserable with and in a home that they were not happy in. I'm a better mother and better person because I decided to leave.

 

No one knows the details of your situation but you will know when it is time to leave and you will do what you need to do. Good Luck.

[JustBreathe]

Batman: I wonder if it's even harder for men who stay in their marriages than it is for women who stay for the sake of the kids. Women usually get the kids - it's a sad reality - most men lose time with their kids after a divorce. I wonder how long you have been married. How many more years before you can leave?

 

Katanya: I know I can stick it out as long as I need to, and I do need to. Financially, I admit, is the main reason. We'd have to support two households when we can barely manage with one. We would have to sell our big home, the only home our boys have ever known. I brought them home from the hospital to this house. Their friends are all up and down the block. Private school would be out of the question and the schools here are bad. Yes, at first we fought like crazy and the kids were unhappy. We separated twice, the boys were devastated.

 

Now, I've sort of settled into this ambivalent state. I feel like we are close friends. We have spent 25 years together. The boys seem to have gotten over the rough years we had and are happy again. I don't want to rock their world all over again. It might be different if we were at each other's throats. But we truly are not. We just go along living our own lives. It's just not fulfilling, ya know?

 

I wish there were more people out there who understood my position and realize that it isn't martyrdom or Jesus on the cross, or throwing yourself on the sword for you kids. For me, it just makes more sense to wait. It is hard, yes indeed it is.

 

I wanted to hear from people who had made the same decision I made as there are many other people who say I'm crazy, or have no respect for me as they view me as some kind of doormat. "I'd never stay with a cheater!" They all say. Some days I feel like a wuss!

 

Batman, do you ever feel that way?

[KATANYA]

I understand what you are saying when you give the details you gave. There is no hostility, no violence, just.........friendship and children that you want to give a stable life too. Well, you know what, if you can put up with H and be 'happy' to co-exist and watch your sons grow up without tearing each other apart --- do what you need to do!

 

I can't relate to this personally from my experience but I will share with you this little story. My uncle and aunt had eight kids (keep in mind kids are all in their 30's & 40's now). She never worked outside the home a day in her life (when would she have had time!!!). He was a laborer who barely found work long enough between his drinking binges to keep the family going ---but my aunt could make a pot of soup go A LONG way and baked the most amazing bread you ever tasted! The kids had food and albeit cramped in a three bedroom house, they all had a bed, they had clothes and they were loved!!! They grew from fearing their father to hating him to pitying him but they knew that my aunt loved them and they were together!!!! My youngest cousin (who is 2 years older than me) graduated from grade 12...the last of the kids to do so (my aunt made sure they ALL finished high school...what they did beyond that was their decision which she supported wholly for each one!) He graduated in June and this is how the story ends....he left to live in another city with his oldest sister, all the other children had left home and were scattered across the country doing everything from labor work to teacher to pharmacist......my aunt helped my cousin pack, saw him to the bus then went home, packed her own things and left. She ended up on her daughter's doorstep a days trip away by bus. That was almost 20 years ago. She got a job (her first outside the home) at a bakery....she got her own apartment (still has the same one - two bedroom big enough for her and any of her kids that come to visit), she never got a license or a car and still doesn't drive - walks everywhere. She has never picked up the phone to call my uncle, never sent him a card, a birthday or Christmas gift....nothing!!! for Christmas about two years after she left my uncle, her children gave her enough money to file for divorce.....she did! She told him for years when her last child left home she would be gone to. Not because she hated him but because she couldn't live with his drinking and his womanizing and had endured his presence only for the sake of keeping the kids and the family 'together'. She only stayed for the kids but she stayed for EIGHT kids.......then she left to find herself and she did.....plus she found a boyfriend:D.

 

No matter is you decide in 3 years to stay or leave, I hope you find a life that you are happy and at peace with. And, above all else, one that makes you feel whole and fulfilled and loved!

[Dazed1]

Hi!

 

You can do this, as long as there is nothing abusive going on in your home. Once you have given yourself a time frame it becomes easier to take.

 

I'm a man who was cheated on, and you are right, financially and custody wise, if i had filed before our daughter was out; I'd have been screwed again because my x couldn't keep her pants on. It would have killed me.

 

So, I hung in, all the while trying to sense any sign of real remorse from my ex.... well, never happened. My divorce is final tomorrow.

 

My daughter is doing great on her own, we speak almost daily, and I am glad i made the decision I did.

 

Hang in there and make the very best of it you can.

 

-Dazed

[Mustang Sally]

JB -

I am not divorced.

But I am not divorced because (at the moment) of the children.

Very similarly to you, the M is unfulfilling. And there is no overt hostility, to force my hand. We live relatively separate lives, except where the children bind us together.

 

Financially, it is easier. Socially, it is more acceptable.

 

But I have much longer to go. Youngest is two! Doubt I will stay for 16 more years, at this rate. We'll see.

 

Anyway, I completely understand what you are going through, and wish you solace and eventual resolution.

[JustBreathe]

Sally... it's hard isn't it. I'm doing better today. Feel like I'm back in stride. Yesterday was a bad day. I commute and spent the 45 min. drive home crying because I just felt so alone. I didn't ever count on divorce. I loved my husband. It's all so f*ed up and I can't believe we're in the place we're at. I do have bad days.

 

THEN I went home to my boys. One of them needed something for school. They both came with me and we had a really good time just talking and laughing about things that happened that day. When I'm with my boys, I am reminded why I'm doing what I'm doing and I know I can make it. I can do it for them and for myself because I would just die if I did anything to screw up their lives just because me and my H screwed up our marriage. Being a teenager is hard enough as it is.

 

You have a two-year old and I know that's hard. I watched my sister go through her divorce with kids 2 and 5 years old. She says it was worth it though, she is much happier and the kids have adjusted. I have heard that the two times people most often divorce if they're going to divorce is when the kids are young, or when they're out of the house.

 

Women stay with their crummy husbands all the time for whatever their reason might be. Women leave them as well. Some do, some don't, that's all. I just hate when I am judged for what I'm doing. I am no doormat or some clinging vine some crazy idiot who feels she can't get along without a man. It is HARDER to stay. It takes a lot of inner strength.

 

Anyway, I'm doing okay today. It's one day at a time.

[2sunny]

while i was married with 2 small kids - my husband cheated at the ten year mark. we worked on the marriage and it seemed really happy. he knew that the main guideline was if he ever did that again - it would be over - no discussion - no reason to.

 

well - at the 20 mark - i found very strong evidence when he went away for a weekend "business" trip.

 

when he was on his way home- i called him to say "don't bother coming home- the locks have been changed, bye"

 

he was dumbfounded...

 

anyway - life goes on - some happy times - some sad times... but things do get better with time - as i no longer have to wonder and worry!

[dolcevoce]

JustBreathe, I can definitely relate to your situation, I couldn't financially afford to leave for a while, but I paid dearly emotionally. Although it appears that your relationship with your H is civil, there is still the underlying hurt, hostility, and betrayal of trust, that children pick up. As a parent, you also have to bear in mind that your kids follow your example when it comes to relationships. This is a major decision and you definitely could use the help of a professional therapist to find the best solution. Perhaps you and your husband can repair your marriage in every sense of the word....however, if you have indeed married a very selfish person, he just might be deceiving you in other ways, as well. Now would be a good time to make sure he is not hiding assets in preparation to leave you in the lurch.

[Letranger]

I think 3.5 years is very easy to do and you are better off than most people. Imagine having an infant and wanting your freedom.

 

Some divorces go easy, some go very hard. Especially if the other spouse does not want to cooperate.

 

Imagine a bitter fight for custody , character assassinations, friends being divided and taking sides, deciding who spends holidays with who, dealing with the others pain in the ass person they are dating, etc. It could be an extra nightmare.

 

Not to mention how this could devastate your children and how confused it could make them. Some kids adapt easy. Some don't.

 

Anybody here the says divorce is always the best for the kids has not experienced it or truly thought about it. Every divorce is different just as every marriage is different.

 

All that being said, I am worried about the cheating aspect of this. Do you definitely know he is?

If so, are you having sex with him? Like, what is he bringing home?

And what money is he spending on his tramps that he should be spending on the family? Not to mention the time?

 

I think 3.5 years is very doable and you are lucky compared to some.

[dolcevoce]

Oh yes, you’re verrrry lucky, sobbing during your commute! Look, no one here should be advising you to “stay” or “leave”, but it’s obvious that your self esteem is taking a real beating and your kids can’t be your therapist. I would strongly urge you to get some serious, professional support. Divorce is tough for kids no matter what age they are and who’s to say that when they go off to college, you won’t say to yourself, “oh, gee, the kids are going through a major adjustment here, college is so expensive, now isn’t the time, I’ll just stick it out a bit longer”…..in the meantime, if your H isn’t willing to make the effort to be a proper husband and he knows or senses that you plan to leave eventually, he may be making plans of his own or sabotaging yours. Divorces can be nasty without a custody battle. Be sure you know what your combined financial situation really is. Don’t get stuck with debts you didn’t know about. Good luck.

[JustBreathe]

I appreciate your responses. He is very regretful of what he did. One can never be completely sure if their cheater will cheat again, but I am 98% sure (*smile*). He's a much better father and husband than he's ever been, very accountable for his time and careful not to make me wonder what he's doing when he's not home. But sometimes, it is just too little too late. He is damaged goods and always will be.

 

I honestly do not feel I am making a bad decision. For every story about how the kids suffered during the divorce and the parents regret it, sure, there is a story about how they stayed together and they regretted that. My boys love their dad. He has changed alot. I can wait. Even though our connection is gone. Some days are harder than others, though, I admit that.

 

His mother abused him verbally and physically and he has been abused sexually twice and constantly humiliated by his mother. He claims it was suppressed anger and shame that caused him to act in those ways. That he feels like it wasn't him that did all that. Like it was someone else. He says he hates who that person was and would never go back to that. He has had 2 yrs. pretty intense therapy and still attends group meetings occasionally when he feels depressed. I do not hate him, the connection is just gone, because I have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. The only way he could think of handle all of that was to screw everything he could get his hands on???? While he was doing it, he enjoyed himself immensely I'm sure. At some point, he had to think about me, but he DID IT ANYWAY. He cheated on me for years. I cannot ever feel the same way about him again.

 

Yeah, Dolce, it has been hard on me, but I'm still here. I'm okay. Some days are just harder than others.

 

Anyway, I'm not there in the bad place today. I'm feeling good. I dressed up as a convict for work...perhaps too close to the truth! * please smile *. Happy Halloween all.

 

I will continue on as I have been. The drama is over for now. Thank you all.

[dolcevoce]

Oh, I see. Good to know that he is seeking treatment and making an effort. Perhaps in time you will come to feel differently about his being “damaged goods”, and be able to reconnect. What are you going to do with your pain and anger in the meantime???

[JustBreathe]

Dolce, I do the best I can but yeah there's hurt and sometimes depression still. Believe it or not I am getting better.

 

I began seeing a therapist for individual counseling 3 years ago when I was a total basket case. She has been extremely helpful but I believe there is only so much a therapist can do. She does not tell me to stay, she does not tell me to go. She only helps me with the negative feelings. There's no cure for the after effects of affairs. There are only ways to cope. Some people can focus on only the future. I just can't get over the past. I really did love my husband so much. In fact, it's living with those memories of when we were so close before I found out about his sick double life, that make it hard to even wait the 3.5 years sometimes.

 

Most days I'm okay. At least we quit fighting and arguing. It's just sort of died inside for me. Some days i just can't wait to leave. Some days it is tolerable. We are stuck in this flat plain of ambivalence.

 

It's not the marriage of my dreams. It is what it is. It's best for my children and that's all I focus on. I will not be in this place for the rest of my life.

 

Affairs do so much damage. You read over on the OW/OM boards how exciting they all thing it is, how they feel like they've all met their soulmates, blah dee blahhhhhh ad naseum. Once discovered, they owe nothing to the BS. That the cheater was married, not them. That is like being an accomplice to murder and saying you had no part in the murder. Silly stupid people. The damage is permanent and affects more than man and wife and their children, in-laws and own family and sometimes, grandchildren as well. It is destructive horrible behavior that attacks everything marriage is supposed to be about - faith, loyalty, trust, etc. Whether you manage to teeter along with your marriage hanging by a gossamer thread or whether you walk out, it cannot be forgotten.

 

On that sad note, I have to leave her for a little bit as I get too sad.

 

Thanks again all of you.

[dolcevoce]

Good to know that you’ve been getting some help and I don’t think a good therapist would or should “tell” you what to do….only you can decide what is best for you, just try not to fall into the trap of always putting yourself last. Re: affair blogs, there are a lot of incredibly selfish people out there….I think that reading their trash will only fuel your anger and make you feel worse. You’ve suffered a tremendous blow and it will take time to heal. You deserve to be happy and I hope you are soon.

[sylviaguardian]

I am in exactly the same position as you. After I found out the extent of my husband's cheating I spent around two years agonising about whether I should stay or go. Working on the marriage and counselling made no difference.

 

Eventually I have decided to stay. My parents went through a messy divorce and it really affected me and my siblings. I won't put my children through that. Most of the very recent research states that children are better off with their parents together, even if they are like room-mates. Even the 'best' divorce adds huge unheaval and uncertainty to their lives.

 

But as you say, it's very very hard. My husband and I have had very frank discussions about the state of our relationship and the gist is that we do not love each other. Being around someone who you know doesn't love you is so lonely but in some ways it is better than pretence.

 

I have decided to try really hard to be happy in spite of my unyhappy marriage. I don't want it to define me. I make sure I contact/go out with friends regularly. Most of my friends know and I can let off steam. I enjoy my job and get satisfaction from that. I make sure I plan nice things for the children. I try to see my husband as a room mate only. All I expect from him is that he is a good father. For myself, I expect nothing and it's easier that way. I used to be so resentful of his coldness and arrogance.

 

If you got divorced and lived alone you would have to do all of this anyway. It's about building up your life so that you are happy in most other areas.

[Frances]

I am living in a marriage that is really a fantasy one. I found out 16 months ago that he had been having an emotional affair for 11 years. I could feel the coldness the withdrawing for a long time without knowing why. His relationship was conducted mainly through email some phone calls and occasional meetings at conferences through the years.

What to do about it is very difficult after a long marriage and a lot of kids.

 

I feel I am a conflict avoider as I am sticking in the marriage for so many reasons, kids marriages that where arranged and now the birth of our first grandchild. There is always something happening that I say I will wait until it is over and then something else turns up.

 

I to am waiting for the right time but feel there will never be one, so I am stuck in this fantasy marriage pretending things are okay.

 

Yes it is possible to stay if there is no violence and shouting but inside you die a little every day. Its the loss of the trust that I feel the worst about. I had trusted him for all those years and find I am now living with a stranger.

 

I have made my choice at the moment to stay I do not know what will happen in the future who does.

 

I hope the original poster can and I feel she will be strong enough to deal with what life has sent her way. I wish you luck and strength for the next 3.5 years.

[Batman7]

Batman: I wonder if it's even harder for men who stay in their marriages than it is for women who stay for the sake of the kids. Women usually get the kids - it's a sad reality - most men lose time with their kids after a divorce. I wonder how long you have been married. How many more years before you can leave?

 

Katanya: I know I can stick it out as long as I need to, and I do need to. Financially, I admit, is the main reason. We'd have to support two households when we can barely manage with one. We would have to sell our big home, the only home our boys have ever known. I brought them home from the hospital to this house. Their friends are all up and down the block. Private school would be out of the question and the schools here are bad. Yes, at first we fought like crazy and the kids were unhappy. We separated twice, the boys were devastated.

 

Now, I've sort of settled into this ambivalent state. I feel like we are close friends. We have spent 25 years together. The boys seem to have gotten over the rough years we had and are happy again. I don't want to rock their world all over again. It might be different if we were at each other's throats. But we truly are not. We just go along living our own lives. It's just not fulfilling, ya know?

 

I wish there were more people out there who understood my position and realize that it isn't martyrdom or Jesus on the cross, or throwing yourself on the sword for you kids. For me, it just makes more sense to wait. It is hard, yes indeed it is.

 

I wanted to hear from people who had made the same decision I made as there are many other people who say I'm crazy, or have no respect for me as they view me as some kind of doormat. "I'd never stay with a cheater!" They all say. Some days I feel like a wuss!

 

Batman, do you ever feel that way?

 

JustBreathe,

We have a lot in common. Yes, I feel the same way you do and have stayed for a lot of the same reasons. I will say it has had a very negative effect on who I really am, and who I wanted to be, and where I thought my life would be. On the outside I have achieved my goals, but on the inside it has been an emotional fall. Every so often it still really gets to me and I will let it affect my mood. I always wonder how this could have happened. The main reason I'm still here is for my kids, you explained it best.

 

My son will graduate high school in the spring, my plan was to leave at that time, but I have an 11 year old daughter to think about. She's my angel and I wonder what it would do to her. The last thing I want to do in my life is to hurt her. I'm 43 years old and should be stable in every area of my life, and yet this feeling of anger still arises. I have no desire for my wife at all, emotionally or physically, I find her totally unattractive in everyway. She even complained to a counselor that I use sex as a weapon against her. There is nothing left, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in other women, and have opened myself up to the possibility of an affair. The opportunities are there, probably because my unhappiness in my marriage shows to people close to me. I haven't done it yet, it would make me as bad as my wife who lies, then laughs about it with her sister. It would be easier if she just left. That's what get's me. Why would she want to stay?

 

Sorry to Rant. I hope you find happiness, you sound like a good person, and you deserve it.

[Batman7]

I am in exactly the same position as you. After I found out the extent of my husband's cheating I spent around two years agonising about whether I should stay or go. Working on the marriage and counselling made no difference.

 

Eventually I have decided to stay. My parents went through a messy divorce and it really affected me and my siblings. I won't put my children through that. Most of the very recent research states that children are better off with their parents together, even if they are like room-mates. Even the 'best' divorce adds huge unheaval and uncertainty to their lives.

 

But as you say, it's very very hard. My husband and I have had very frank discussions about the state of our relationship and the gist is that we do not love each other. Being around someone who you know doesn't love you is so lonely but in some ways it is better than pretence.

 

I have decided to try really hard to be happy in spite of my unyhappy marriage. I don't want it to define me. I make sure I contact/go out with friends regularly. Most of my friends know and I can let off steam. I enjoy my job and get satisfaction from that. I make sure I plan nice things for the children. I try to see my husband as a room mate only. All I expect from him is that he is a good father. For myself, I expect nothing and it's easier that way. I used to be so resentful of his coldness and arrogance.

 

If you got divorced and lived alone you would have to do all of this anyway. It's about building up your life so that you are happy in most other areas.

That was very good advice! Thanks

[Wibble]

It's a real quandry, isn't it? As the husband who was betrayed twice, at 13 years apart, with the same man, I can honestly say the ONLY reason I am still with my wife is because of the 3 kids. I come from a stable home, my parents are still together,but I can see the harm that divorce does to children all around me. I cannot think of any friend who's children are happier after their divorce than before. It takes more than I have suffered to inflict that on the ones closest to your heart.

 

As for the marriage, well that is a different story. Initially you are convinced that things will get back to "normal". Then you (or at least "I") realise that what you have found out means that "normal" was only ever an illusion. The fairy tale was only ever a fiction. Then you ask yourself if you are prepared to sacrifice the well being of your children for your own happiness. That is how you end up justifying a continued relationship with your adulterous spouse. Love is not really a factor, it is more about contentment. There will never, CAN never, be any passion, that has been wasted, but there is care and concern. More like brother and sister than red hot lovers! Eventually, when the reason for our association is gone, and the kids leave home, you have to ask yourself if you wish to continue with the arrangement, or pursue true love. That decision is years away.

 

It is very sad, but almost inevitable. At least in my case the depth of betrayal means that I will NEVER feel that I am special to my wife, merely the man who fathered her children. Every day that passes simply confirms my opinion. At least I realise I am not the only one!

[JustBreathe]

Yeah, Wibble, it is good to know you're not alone. It's so like you described. Brother and sister or good friends or close relations or maybe a financial team. It isn't what you wanted your marriage to be, but it is what it is and you settle for that.

 

My counselor said the two most common times when people divorce are when the children are very young, and when they are much older, like high school or college. I guess I fall in the latter category.

 

Sylvia has the right idea. It's about what you focus on. Not being defined by your marriage. You have to re-focus often and remember that your spouse is just a spouse now, shove the hurt back in the corner of your heart, and seek fulfillment elsewhere.

 

I do happen to know one instance where the kids flourished after the divorce - my sister divorced her husband when her kids were 2 and 5. Four years later, those kids have adjusted very well, but, maybe because they don't know or remember what it feels to have your dad around 24/7. I also know a couple of people whose kids are pretty messed up after the divorce. I know of a couple who stayed together after they both cheated, they are extremely unhappy and fight all the time so their kids are messed up. So it's vital to try and be, like you said, content with your spouse as much as you can. It can be done.

 

I think it's nice that you still believe in true love. I hope you find it after you divorce your wife. I've been burned by two men, my boyfriend and now my H. Both cheated. I just don't know how to pick 'em I guess so I've decided I've decided to retire my picker-outer . 50% of women divorce their husbands, so I'll have lots of company!

[heftysmurf]

My d-day was just a week ago and I struggle for my daughter. I do not believe I love her at all after what has transpired. What we had feels dead to me but yet I struggle with the big D every 5 minutes. My child is the only thing that is keeping me here at this point. Nothing else.