my multiple LTRs

[Cad Rake]

(I think I may post this in the marriage area too since I'm not sure exactly where it fits.)

 

Hi, I've been dating two women continuously, one for 4 years and one for almost 3 years. I assume they don't know about each other. They live about 30 miles away from each other. The first one I found on the web and it was just a sex hookup but grew into something more. I stayed on the internet and found another a year later that was just a sex hookup and it grew to something more. I've had to juggle these women like bowling pins ever since.

 

The first one and I hardly have sex anymore because she's gained weight and has some psychological problems. But we're such good friends by now that I just can't bear to leave her. The second one is older and has a son who is great and we hang out every week. With her the sex is usually great unless she's bitching at me for one thing or another. I couldn't bear to be out of her life either.

 

Here's the thing though, both kept turning the screws on me making me commit to them more and more, and they've dumped me time and again and each time I convince them to take me back. I don't know why, I just can't walk away. I'm just terrified of losing them. I treat them ok, not great, unless they threaten to dump me, then I send them flowers and do nice things for them. I've cried in the arms of one when the other dumped me, but I told the one that I was just feeling depressed and sad that day.

 

Recently I started dating yet another woman. (I am fortunate enough to only have to work occasionally, but I am certainly not rich. This is why I have the time to see all these women.) We went out a couple of times 2 years ago but she left town, now she's back and we've seen each other maybe a dozen times. We slept together and I gave her some screaming orgasms so needless to say she's calling me every day to get together.

 

I don't know where all this is going, it's very strange and a situation I really didn't think would get to this point. Even now I'm looking online for other women to sleep with.

 

One good thing is my standards have definitely gone up in the sex arena. Couple years ago I'd sleep with anything under 160 lbs and now these days the girl has to be pretty damn attractive. Right now I feel like women probably always feel: when sex is literally shoved in your face from every angle you can afford to be picky.

 

Any insights? I'm in my early 30s and feel like one of those Mormon polygamists.

[Touche]

Insights? Insights about what? What's your question?

 

Here's my insight:

 

:sick:

 

You must date some pretty stupid women, by the way. I would have found you out right away.

[directx]

How the heck you manage two women at once? That would drive me nuts! Not to mention I couldn't give my all financially or time wise.

 

I don't think that's fair to anyone.

Plus, you have watch your back, remember what you said to whom, ugh!

 

That so interefere with my tv time...

 

You know, if you want two women, hire a hot housemaid. Its probably cheaper anyway

[Capricciosa]

My insight is that you need to go to a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting ASAP, because despite what you may think, you have a problem with real intimacy, and probably other problems besides. Your site name is appropriate. How about thinking about these women for just one moment rather than yourself?

[Cad Rake]

Well thanks for the constructive input guys ...

 

How the heck you manage two women at once? That would drive me nuts! Not to mention I couldn't give my all financially or time wise.

 

I'm not the most generous, financially or time-wise, anyway. A lot of the fights between me and the girls are about money. I don't really "manage" them per se.. yes I have to listen to their gripes about life, work, etc. But I don't mind that. I see each one a couple of times per week. They're both very independent. I lived with the first one for about a year and we couldn't stand each other by the end.

 

The third one seems the most.. shall we say... co-dependent. She's been calling me a couple of times each day and wants me to spend a lot of time with her -- at least a few nights each week. I have to nip that in the bud though.. I've also been making the mistake of paying for all our dates, which I'll have to end as well.

 

All in all it's not easy, but it's certainly interesting. You're right about having to keep your stories straight.. that's the hardest and worst part. I can do 2, not sure if I'll be able to handle 3.

 

Thanks for listening! I think the poster was right about me being a "love addict"... moreso than a sex addict.

[SueBee3490]

Advice from someone who was played like this by my bf (who consequently I married not knowing he had been previously cheating on me). How I resent the h**l out

 

Tell them NOW that you are seeing others. If they don't care that you date others while dating them at the same time, fine. But this also gives them the opportunity to make a choice whether they want to date someone exclusively or just "play the field". What you are doing isn't fair and you know it or you wouldn't be asking for advice. Because if they all think that you are monogamous with each of them, then when the truth comes out (and it will), you are going to hurt them. It makes me sick to read of someone else doing this to some unsuspecting women. Dating one for 4 yrs and the other for 3 are pretty long relationships - you should come clean with them. Also I was pretty upset about thinking we were monogamous sexually only to find out he put my health at risk because I didn't know about the other women.

 

Because of his cheating on me during our dating/engagement time, I'm divorcing him. Sure he's sorry and doesn't want to lose me but he should have thought of that when he was betraying/deceiving/lying to me behind my back. Think about this. Are any of these 3 women ones you would want to possibly marry or spend the rest of your life with?

 

I just say tell them and give them the chance to decide if they want to share you.

[SueBee3490]

Advice from someone who was played like this by my bf (who consequently I married not knowing he had been previously cheating on me). How I resent the h**l out

 

 

Sorry I didn't finish that but it should read "How I resent the h**l out of him for not telling me." Now being in the middle of a divorce because of this, my life is turned upside down. I have to pay for a divorce, try to sell my house and find another (when at the time I met him I owned my own "small" home which I could afford). Since marrying him, we bought a "huge" house which probably won't sell in today's market. I need to move my kids again because of him. So, I asked him if it was worth it to treat me as he did, of course he said "no".

[Touche]

You said:

 

Well thanks for the constructive input guys

 

Can I ask a question? What did you expect? What kind of "insight" were you looking for. You're being dishonest and lying to women. Did you want us to say "Way to go, man! Keep up the charade. You da man!"

 

Now THAT would be

 

So when you say "constructive input" what exactly are we talking about there. Enlighten me. Did you want advice on how to juggle and fool multiple women?

 

What is it that you're looking for in the way of "insight" and "constructive input?" Do you even know?

[jmargel]

Cad Rake.. you are viewing and treating these women like objects. You are acting VERY immature (when one toy gets boring, I am going to goto the next one) and I would imagine how it strokes your ego knowing you have 3 women.

 

But Cad, really any decent looking guy could get multiple women. I am not sure what you are asking of us. If you want us to decide for you, we can't. If you want to quit your ways then the BEST and ONLY way to do this is by going to a counselor. You can't do this yourself and nothing we say would be like a magicwand and fix all of this.

 

You will have to break some hearts. Honestly I would end it with all three of them. Don't give them the devestation that you were cheating on them for years, because all that will do is make them very jaded for the next guy.

 

You might think you are having your cake and eating it too, but in the long run you will be the lonely one. You don't truly know what love is. You haven't given any of these women what they deserve. And the thing is you can't. Not until you work on yourself.

 

Find out WHY you are doing this, that's the first step in fixing this.

[East of Jupiter]

I suspect a troll.

 

Even if not an internet one, still at troll.

[Cad Rake]

though I figured someone would think I'm one. It is a pretty outlandish tale, but true nonetheless.

 

Are any of these 3 women ones you would want to possibly marry or spend the rest of your life with?

 

No, definitely not. Never yet found a woman I'd want to marry.

 

I guess I was just looking for some advice that I hadn't thought up myself already. 3 years is a long time to think about this kind of thing, and believe me I've run every option through my head a billion times.

 

Find out WHY you are doing this, that's the first step in fixing this.

 

I think that's the best advice so far. The behavior is obviously a symptom of something. At first I just thought Hey I'm just having fun, but what worries me is not "playing the field" but the reaction I have when one of them gets pissed and dumps me. I turn into a whining baby and do anything to win her heart back.

 

The dichotomy of, on one hand being a "player" and on the other hand being a p*ssy-whipped sad sack, is the thing that's bugging me.

[Mustang Sally]

No, definitely not. Never yet found a woman I'd want to marry.

Well, you don't sound like marriage material either.

I guess I was just looking for some advice that I hadn't thought up myself already. 3 years is a long time to think about this kind of thing, and believe me I've run every option through my head a billion times.

Here's a novel idea:

Why don't you come clean with all of them?

(Being prepared for the fallout, of course.)

 

 

The first step is admitting you have a problem....

 

The dichotomy of, on one hand being a "player" and on the other hand being a p*ssy-whipped sad sack, is the thing that's bugging me.

Hmmm.

Player vs p*ssy-whipped....

 

Nah. Just sounds DISHONEST to me.

[Cad Rake]

Well, you don't sound like marriage material either.

 

That's fo' sho'!

 

Why don't you come clean with all of them?

(Being prepared for the fallout, of course.)

 

Uhh, not so novel. The question is, why would I want to do that? I can't justify it.

[SoHotZanzibar]

I say let the boy have his fun! He is not committed to any of them, and they probably already know anyway!

 

You are only young once, right?

[Touche]

Do you think that there might just might be a middle ground between being a "player" and being a "pussy-whipped sad sack" as you so eloquently put it?

 

Yes, believe it. Because it's true.

[Capricciosa]

I say let the boy have his fun! He is not committed to any of them, and they probably already know anyway!

 

You are only young once, right?

 

Really? You're joking, right?

 

 

That's fo' sho'!

 

 

 

Uhh, not so novel. The question is, why would I want to do that? I can't justify it.

 

Dude, there's a thing called karma, and living one's life so incredibly dishonestly means you are setting yourself up for a real big load of the bad kind. You are also probably injuring yourself spiritually and psychologically in ways that will be hard to reverse the longer this goes on, your health is probably suffering from low level anxiety, and furthermore should the most co-dependent one find out, she will probably kill you:lmao:. So if you can't do it in their best interest, do it in your own best interest, which is obviously more your style anyway. And by the way characteristic #3 of Sex & Love Addiction is the following:

 

Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.

 

Try their test sometime if you have the time between liasons: http://www.slaafws.org/pamphlets/40questions.html

In the meanwhile, if it walks like a duck... and we can easily replace that "u" with an "i" because it sounds to me like you don't want to change anything and you are both bragging and looking for approval to continue your unacceptable behavior. Good luck to you, you'll need it. If I knew the women, I would be on the phone right now ratting you out since you don't have the nerve or decency to do it yourself.

[East of Jupiter]

Really? You're joking, right?

 

 

 

 

Dude, there's a thing called karma, and living one's life so incredibly dishonestly means you are setting yourself up for a real big load of the bad kind. You are also probably injuring yourself spiritually and psychologically in ways that will be hard to reverse the longer this goes on, your health is probably suffering from low level anxiety, and furthermore should the most co-dependent one find out, she will probably kill you:lmao:. So if you can't do it in their best interest, do it in your own best interest, which is obviously more your style anyway. And by the way characteristic #3 of Sex & Love Addiction is the following:

 

Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.

 

Try their test sometime if you have the time between liasons: http://www.slaafws.org/pamphlets/40questions.html

In the meanwhile, if it walks like a duck... and we can easily replace that "u" with an "i" because it sounds to me like you don't want to change anything and you are both bragging and looking for approval to continue your unacceptable behavior. Good luck to you, you'll need it. If I knew the women, I would be on the phone right now ratting you out since you don't have the nerve or decency to do it yourself.

 

 

He's just yanking our chains.

 

But karma Shmarma!

 

With the incidence of HPV at epidemic levels and his wild willy ways (LOL - not a Clinton reference), he is going to eventually have a couple of warts to keep him company on those nights he is not being a playah.

 

Since is is spreading himself thin and he is pissing off his girlfriends, what do you think the chances are they may be finding comfort somewhere else?

 

He gave it to a friend, who gave it to a friend, who gave it to a friend ...

 

Do a Google image search for HPV if you dare. I warn you, it is not for the weak of stomach. Then go to the CDC web page and read up on HPV.

 

Condoms do not protect against HPV. It is not transmitted through body fluids. Minuscule and invisible to the naked eye, an infected area sheds and these sheddings cling to the testicles, anus and other parts. During sexual intercourse, the vaginal area and the scrotum come into contact and the disease is transmitted.

 

Please share this information. There are many different strains of HPV but a particular strain they now know causes cervical/penile cancer.

 

Ya hear me playah? It's one thing to play around with womens' hearts, its quite another to mess with their health and possibly their life.

 

Unfortunately, there is no way to warn potential victims that this guy is probably carrying bacteria from one woman to another.

[Capricciosa]

He's just yanking our chains.

 

But karma Shmarma!

 

With the incidence of HPV at epidemic levels and his wild willy ways (LOL - not a Clinton reference), he is going to eventually have a couple of warts to keep him company on those nights he is not being a playah.

 

 

Fair enough, but HPV is also part of karma!

[popey]

pardon my sounding cliche, but i think the answer you seek has been with you all along. You recently labled another member on here as a "Control Freak." Crab, think maybe you are speaking on personal authority on that?

 

Your choices are all about control. What if you stopped being a D-bag and actually gave it a go at trying to just be honest- wether that is honestly loving someone, or honestly being in non-commited sexual realtionship(s)?

 

OMG?! what if you weren't love worthy in return, just being your honest self? or What if a women who wasn't decieved into thinking she was getting some deceptive creation of a relationship and just had to decide that you were worth having as a non-commited sex partner? what if your not worth it under these REAL scenarios?

 

If you are never real or honest, than you can control what the reality is.

 

been there too. bottom line, for me at least- serves a purpose for a time, but so incomplete in comparison to indulging in vulnerability and honesty. albeit- the latter is SO much harder and scarier.

 

I'll refrain for now from delving too much into my thoughts about your seeming need to strike out at some people's feelings on here. But in my breif experience, and novice opinion, I'm hard pressed to think this is not relevant to the big picture.

 

hope you find something useful here for growth.

[Cad Rake]

I appreciate it. Those are much better answers than just "tell 'em all, you a-hole!!!!1" ... something to think about. I do admit I have fluctuating emotions regarding my situation. Sometimes I think it's interesting and challenging, and sometimes I think it's downright weird and cruel. But I care deeply about these girls and it would break my ... heart?.. ego?.. control?.. narcissistic tendencies?... to lose any of them.

[Touche]

it would break my ... heart?.. ego?.. control?.. narcissistic tendencies?... to lose any of them.

 

There's your answer. When you figure out which of these it is, you will have solved your problem.

[Cobra_X30]

I appreciate it. Those are much better answers than just "tell 'em all, you a-hole!!!!1" ... something to think about. I do admit I have fluctuating emotions regarding my situation. Sometimes I think it's interesting and challenging, and sometimes I think it's downright weird and cruel. But I care deeply about these girls and it would break my ... heart?.. ego?.. control?.. narcissistic tendencies?... to lose any of them.

 

Dammit Cad! Yes you are whipped!

 

When a girl dumps you... YOU DONT COME CRYING BACK! Pick one and dump her. The one your not really sleeping with would be a good start. If you reach down... right where your legs meet you should find a pair of balls. If you cant find them... wing it... at least you can pretend to be a man!

[4whatItsWorth]

But I care deeply about these girls and it would break my ... heart?.. ego?.. control?.. narcissistic tendencies?... to lose any of them.

 

Based on what you've told us so far - you care far more about YOURSELF than ANY of those women. Oh, of course they will take you back if you cry and whine...women can't stand men who cries. (That's how my ex was taken back time and time again...)

 

Go see a councellor because you're either a "love"- or sex addict. I know what wouldn't break if you lost them - a heart.

[Cad Rake]

Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.

 

Yes that's totally it!!! I went 4 years, from the age of 23 to 27 without any girlfriend, sex, or any romantic love whatsoever. When I started getting dates again I think I subconsciously told myself "There's NO WAY I'll ever let myself be in that situation again."

 

It's like people who go through a period of poverty and then once they get some money they tend to hoard stuff. I think I'm hoarding women!! On the theory that if one leaves I won't be completely abandoned. But the thing is, having multiple girlfriends doesn't make losing one of them any easier! I still become a weak-ass whipped sad sack when one of them threatens to break up with me. So that means I have to juggle three chicks and keep them all satisfied. It's a job I tell ya, but I think I've started to figure out why I'm doing it.

[Capricciosa]

Glad you recognized yourself , but have you gone to the link I sent you? Yes, admitting the problem is half the battle, but then there is the battle. And you've got to be up to it, because it's going to be hard. You need to get to the core of the problem and start working on it, otherwise you will just create more trouble for yourself and everyone else that comes into contact with you. I speak from experience here.