Do I put kids on hold or move ahead with my life?

[Existential_Belle]

I’ve been married 8 years and we’ve been struggling to have a child for the past 5. Finally started working with a reproductive endocrinologist after two miscarriages last year and I am supposed to go in this August to start hormone therapy and do insemination. I’m 34 years old and don’t have a lot of time… biological clock running out and all that.

I now have a problem. My H has been talking to a girl from work (they work 24-48 hour shifts at an ambulance base together) the past month to “help her” get past her issues with her husband and trying to help her find the courage to leave him or work it out. He told me for a month that she and her H had just moved here from the city with their daughter, so she had no friends to talk to except the people she knows at work and this is why he feels so badly for her and has been trying to help her. Over the course of the month, I gradually noticed his behavior becoming more and more erratic. We have always been very open with each other (or so I believed), so in my naivety, I didn’t connect this change in him with the girl from work. We’ve had an extremely rough two years until recently- money problems, the two miscarriages, his father died, etc. I assumed that his change in attitude was due to the fact that we were under less stress and happier with our life. We went on a cruise in May for my birthday- first real vacation in years.

My best friend was at our house one night when the girl from work called. H says he has to go up to our office on the hill where cell phone reception is better so he can talk to her. He says she sounds upset and has been crying. He leaves and when I look back at my girlfriend; the look on her face is like a sudden realization. She asks me how long the phone calls have been going on and how long H has been acting squirrelly like that. I try to rationalize it all away, but over the next 24 hours, I finally start putting pieces together. It was like working a jigsaw of a fatal car accident- each piece I put in place made me a little sicker, but I couldn’t look away until it was finished. We control the email accounts where he works, so I have access to all the employee mail boxes. The night before our 8th anniversary, morbid curiosity took over, I got in the server and was looking through her email and that’s when the last piece slid in place. In the email I read between them, they had pet names for each other, she talks about how she will tell their grandchildren about the wonderful man who “saved her”, how much they love each other, she signs the letter Mrs. “Our last name”. He tells her how glad he is that he helped her to find herself and asks her to come and sit in the office chair with him (they were emailing on opposite sides of the room at work). I read the email about 20 times and throw up before I call him at work at 2am and ask him what’s going on, then go driving for about 12 hours trying to figure out whether to leave for good or try to go home and work it out.

Once we start talking, I realize that the puzzle isn’t quite finished. He says he’s in love with her (but loves me more- I’ll try to spare you the sarcasm I felt when hearing that), that they didn’t actually have intercourse but there has been “heavy petting” involved (whatever that means) and that she has asked him to leave me multiple times, but he always tells her no. At first, he blames me for everything: I’m too hard to talk to, I don’t pay enough attention to him, I’ve become emotionally detached, we’re in a rut, etc. Later, after talking to another friend at work that cheated on her husband last year, he changes his tune completely. Says it was stupid and selfishness on his part and he has no excuse. I still can’t decide if he altered his thinking because she told him what to say or if it actually came from the heart.

He calls his boss and has the schedule rearranged so that he and OW aren’t working the same shifts (they will still see each other at change of shift sometimes) and promises me that he will have no further contact with her. He swears that he wants to fix things between us and that I’m all he’s ever really wanted… that and a child with me. Sorry this is so long, but I am getting to the point.

My current dilemma is this: I still don’t know how much I trust him and I don’t know if or when I will get back to that again. I thought we were best friends and told each other everything, but now I’m second guessing whether I really know the person he is at all. I’ve heard a lot of advice that bringing children into an already unstable relationship creates more stress and the potential for more problems. But my time and my opportunities to have children are both running out and I very much want a child before it’s too late for me to do so. Should I go ahead with the scheduled appointments next month to start the insemination process and get pregnant? Or should I put this off for a while to see exactly where our relationship is going and how I’m going to feel 6 months or so from now? What if it takes much longer to get over this and I miss out on the chance to ever have a baby? On the one hand, I feel determined to go forward with my life and what I want, regardless of what happens between us. On the other, I’m a little scared and apprehensive about the possibility of being left to raise a child as single mother, should he decide that he can’t live without this woman in his life. However, I want it badly enough that I am more than willing to do that if necessary. He’s pushing me to go ahead with it right way. So what do you all think? Should I put things on hold or move ahead with my life regardless of the outcome of my marriage? I would sincerely appreciate any and all POV’s or advice you can give me.

[IpAncA]

That's up to you. I would regardless get into marriage counselling or counselling for yourself if you choose to.

 

If you can't handle being with him (I don't blame you) then don't. And if you still want a child and are prepared to be a single mother then do so.

 

Having a child doesn't fix the marriage.

[Existential_Belle]

That is not at all my thinking here. I want a child, regardless of how we work out. I realize that having children is not going to make him stay. I wouldn't want to 'hold him' by obligation anyway. He either loves me and regrets his mistake, or he doesn't. I can't force him to love me or manipulate him into loving me, I know this. I'm just trying to look at this from a very rational viewpoint right now. If I don't go ahead, I'm afraid it will be just one more resentment that will rise out of this. That not only did it cause damage to our marriage, I'll resent that I've lost my chance at having children as well. If I do go ahead, I could wind up having a child with a man who no longer loves or cares about me and will be stuck having him involved with us for the rest of my life. It's a major decision to have kids under the best of circumstances. But I feel like I'm a strong person in spite of all this and that I would be able to manage with or without him. I'm just hestitant as to whether my wanting a child is reason enough to go ahead or if perhaps there are factors I'm not considering?

[Ladyjane14]

....I want a child, regardless of how we work out.

 

...If I don't go ahead, I'm afraid it will be just one more resentment that will rise out of this. That not only did it cause damage to our marriage, I'll resent that I've lost my chance at having children as well.

 

You've answered your own question, Belle.

 

Marriages can and do sometimes heal from infidelity. On average, it takes about two years or so to put it all back together again though

 

I think if I were you, I'd probably go forward based on "the path of least resentment". Although, I do think I'd keep a back-up plan for managing pregnancy, childbirth, and single parenthood on my own if necessary. That way, if you catch him in contact with OW or if you decide later on down the pike that you just don't want him anymore... you can put him out.

 

When everything is up in the air like this, all you can do is to keep as many options available to you as possible.

[Existential_Belle]

Thanks Ladyjane. I do have the advantage in that I'm well educated and could manage financially if things don't work out exactly as I'd like for them to. I also have fairly decent family and friends support that would help pull me through. One of my friends suggested setting up a savings account in my name only as sort of a "fall back plan" in the event that the worst did happen. Do you think that's a good idea? Is that too much like setting it up to fail, or is it simply being practical and preparing myself for different alternatives? I thought if things went well, maybe we can use it towards the child's college fund or something later. I feel SOMETHING good should come out of all this mess.

[Lynna]

Belle,

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I can relate COMPLETELY! My H's affair started in a similar way, him giving advice and support to a female friend at work, hanging out together, etc. I was supportive at first as well, until I also picked up on warning signs and investigated. In my case they did have sex. I did decide to stay with my H and try and work things out. I am about the same age as you and also ready to have kids. I have decided to wait on that until we straighten out our lives.

 

Having a child is a VERY emotional thing. You life changes COMPLETELY! Right now your lives are in utter turmoil already. And you are in emotional chaos. If it were me, I would wait 6 months or so to see how things go, to decide whether you really want this man to be the father of your child. To see whether you want to try and work on this marriage and rebuild your lives together.

 

I recommend that you and your H enter MC immediately! Also, get copies of the book After the Affair for each of you and work through the exercises in the book. How Can I Forgive You is also an excellent book for you to read, and maybe even for him as well.

 

Odds are, he really does love you best. He is very confused right now. He is mistaking lust for love. He may think he loves her but most of that is just the boost he is feeling to his self-esteem. He was flattered that she wanted his advice and support, and that she found him attractive. He is likely dealing with some self-esteem issues and hold over issues from everything you have been through together recently. Thus he responded the wrong way in this situation with this girl.

 

To me it sounds like you have hope in your relationship. He does not sound like a serial cheater nor does he sound like a horrible person. He is confused and mixed up. He made a horrible choice for the wrong reasons. But he is not beyond redemption. Try MC, try working together to rebuild the trust and the relationship. Give it a few months to figure out what you want to do. A few months won't make that much difference in trying to have a child but will make TONS of difference for your emotional state. And remember, your emotional state will affect your physical state as your body struggles through pregnancy. If you try to get implanted now, you may be risking another miscarraige but your emotions are in too much turmoil. Please consider that.

 

Hang in there, there is still time for you to have a child and to have a good, strong, and healthy marriage. Give yourself time to grieve, be angry, and then to heal. Then have a child.

[LittleLady]

How can you bring a child into this mess?

 

If all you care about is a child, there are sperm banks for that.

 

This guy is nowhere near ready for kids, much less the MARRIAGE he's in.

[Existential_Belle]

Lynna,

I’ve read many of your responses throughout the main thread and you seem highly intuitive and rational, so I was truly hoping you would see this and post. I’m sorry to hear of your situation as well. How long have you been working on it now? Is it getting any easier for you? After I read your post, I realized that I hadn’t even thought to call my doctor and see what their advice would be. So I called them, even though it was really hard to explain to them what was going on and why I wanted to put it off. They told me it would actually be more advisable to wait; not only emotionally, but from a physical/stress aspect as well. She also told me that if we decide we can’t work it out and that I still want to have a child; that we can make other arrangements, such as a donor, which was VERY encouraging.

I will check out the books you recommended. I am trying my best to still consider his feelings and make choices that will be best for mending our relationship, but I am sometimes finding that difficult out of anger or instinctive self-preservation. I don’t want to believe that he’s a serial cheater or a horrible person. As I said, we’ve been very happy in the past and even felt like our relationship with each other was unique from so many others- because we spend so much time together and do talk about almost everything. However…I’ve told him that if we ever find ourselves going down this road again, I will remove myself from the situation emotionally, pack my things and move on. I won’t be willing to work it out a second time; to me that would mean that he didn’t take this seriously and thought he could simply get away with it again and again as long as he said “I’m sorry” every time. I’ve been in a highly abusive relationship in the past where I heard that each time the guy beat the crap out of me. He was “sorry” each and every time, at least until I “made him” fly off the handle again. So I’m not especially tolerant of repeat offenders as you can imagine. I don’t think H and I are beyond redemption, not if we are both serious about working at it and trying to mend the issues that brought us here in the first place

I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to respond; otherwise I might not have thought to call the doc and see what my options were. I feel much more at ease with this whole issue now. He may not like my decision to wait, but I think if he's sincere about working on this, he'll respect it.

 

Littlelady

I can’t really see that going to a sperm bank right now is going to restore any of the faith or hope that we’re trying to get back in our relationship. I think that will probably be an option if it doesn’t work out, however. We’ve been working with a fertility clinic since January trying to get things fixed physically so we could have a child. As soon as the affair happened, my gut reaction was to wait 6 months or even a year until we saw how well we were going to recover from this. I just didn’t know if waiting was going to be possible with my medical history. I also didn’t want to lose all hope of ever having kids completely because I decided to wait. I knew that going next month was far from the optimal. But if that was the only way I could have children, then I wasn’t going to rob myself of that because he did something stupid at an inopportune time. I'm just very greatful that the doc confirmed that it was advisable to wait.

[Lynna]

Belle, I am touched that you consider my posts so helpful and that you were actually hoping that I would post. I am so glad that I can help you in this horrible time. So many good people helped me when I was needing it badly, I am very glad that I can return the favor, though of course sorry for the circumstances.

 

I am so glad you called your doctor and consulted them! I am sure that you made the right decision. Six months should give you and your H time to work together to rebuild your relationship then you will be in a much better place to begin the process of trying to have a child. I hope that your H understands why it is best to postpone the procedure for a few months! He needs to think about how he would feel it your positions were reversed. Ask him how tolerant he would be. Ask him what his initial reaction would be. When my H was being unreasonable about my needs after the A at one point I asked him that. He became really quiet and admitted that he would have handled it a LOT worse (more angry, more bitter, more revengeful) than I did. He then admitted what a lucky man he was to have me.

 

I am glad that you are trying to think through all of this. I know how tempting it is to react with all the emotions that are pulsing through you right now. I did some reacting out of my pain and anger initially that in retrospect I wish I would have done differently. That is actually one thing those books recommend. While your feelings are valid and you do need to express them. Try not to make any life altering decisions based solely on what you are feeling at the moment. Give yourself some time to come to grips with what has happened before you make any final decisions.

 

You are setting boundaries with him and being firm. That is VERY good. You need to also tell him what he needs to do to help you begin to trust him again, what your expectations are. Again, the books give you some ideas on ways to do this. I am reading both of those books now and they are REALLY helping me look at myself, him, and our marriage. I am gaining a lot of insight into both of our personalities. He is going to read at least AtA shortly. We will be starting MC soon.

 

My H had his A last fall. It lasted about a month and a half. There had been a few warning signs that I excused away because like you I trusted my H. Finally there were too many and I went looking. Our situation was made problematical because one month after dday my H started a new job out of state and because of my job I could not follow until the summer. So we ended up in a temporary separation.

 

We are back together now for just about a month. However, during our separation there was a point where he almost had a ONS with a woman he met in a bar, his guilt kept him from doing it. I discovered the ONS right after moving out here, that was VERY hard, I was ready to leave. That night we had a LONG talk with lots of tears on both sides. He had a bit of a mental breakdown that night as he realized I wanted out. As you said, I was not going to sit there and take it. At that point he finally opened up completely and admitted things I had not even known, and admitted to how desparately depressed he was.

 

Before he moved we agreed that we would seek MC and he would seek IC to deal with all the issues. But both had to wait until his insurance kicked in, and MC of course had to wait until we were in the same place again. The ONS situation pushed him over the edge and he actually called and set an appointment for him to start IC before I even arrived. He did this before I found out and without me nagging him to do it. The time on his own helped him realize how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and how badly he was screwed up. He admits the A and the ONS were all about his issues, we were actually getting along great, not arguing, no major problems. Sure, I am not perfect but he has admitted there was nothing I had done that drove him to this.

 

Since the second dday, he is a changed man. He does and says so many little things that let me know that he really does love me. It is a mixture of body language, of the look in his eyes, his facial expressions. I can really sense a change in him. I am amazed as I had not realized all that was missing before the A. It seems the process of opening up to me and being honest helped him begin the process of healing with me. Things are getting easier now, and we have not even started MC yet. That will be very soon. I know there will be some hard times still to come as he gets deeper into IC. He has a LOT of issues to work through and that is going to take a VERY long time. I know there will be times when he will come home with his emotions being very raw. But, he will ultimately be a more whole and healthy person for it and that will make it more possible for us to work on our marriage.

 

Sorry that was a REALLY long response to your question about how long we had been working on it but it was not a simple answer! I fully believe that given the right circumstances and the right people, a marriage CAN heal from infidelity. It does take time and a LOT of work so you both have to be really dedicated to making it happen. So take time, feel what you need to, express what you need to, set boundaries with your H and expectations. Start MC as soon as possible because having an impartial expert can really help you both see and express what needs to be shared. The sooner you can start, the sooner you will know whether you can heal from this, and the sooner you can consider having your child. I wish you all the best!

[East of Jupiter]

Great post Lynna. I wish you luck with the counseling. The fact your husband went on his own to counseling is a great sign.

 

Belle -

 

I had my first child at 32 and my last at 40. You are still young! Just wanted to get that out there.

 

This is all fresh to you and you still have a lot to discover about the situation before you know what is what.

 

My biggest piece of advice is that if at all possible, your husband change jobs.

 

Trust me having the worry of him working with her will become difficult and stressful. And I am going to go on a certain limb here and say that I doubt this woman is going to just "go away" without making a fuss.

 

Good luck and keep posting. It helps.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Read through the Marriage Builder's website. If he has had feelings for her and she for him (encouraging him to leave you and fantasizing about her being Mrs. Belle ) then HE definately needs some IC to get through that.

After he has dealt with that then possibly MC.

 

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. It usually takes a BIG fall for people to realize what they want. I hope that you will seriously keep your eyes open while also working to reestablish trust and work on the relationship. Good Luck to you.

[lostboy60645]

Ay yi yi. I'm sorry for the both of you. My wife and I have twin boys aged 2 and a half.

 

Our divorce will likely be through in the next several weeks. I'm almost sure no mother who went through in vitro fertilization, including my wife, could look at her child/children and say she regrets it. But...

 

Whew...

 

I'm quite emotional about this now...

 

She's glad to be leaving the marriage and moving on. And I have, in the face of staying 'sober' from any sexual acting out in the last 14 months since starting my 'recovery', finally realize what kind of damage this has done to my wife, her family, our community.

 

You're here to get answers. To learn from others so you don't have to go through what we've suffered (yes, the cheaters can suffer to, folks).

 

Anyway, the best I can offer is that he needs to want to get help, you need to want to get perspective--the above books and some individual therapy is a great place to begin. And putting off the children or any decisions about the marriage for a good year is reasonable, despite your age.

 

I truly believe you and any potential children will have tremendous benefits from your investing in your own mental health and in a healthy inventory of your relationship prior to making a lifelong commitment to children.

 

It seems my wife's biggest regret now is that she actually has to deal with me for the foreseeable future since I didn't commit any offense that would take me out of the picture, thank G-d.

 

Feel free to read about the perils of cheater's mind in my blog, but I'm not sure if that's such a good idea early on. I'd love to hear some other gals chime in on that issue.

 

Lostboy60645

http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com

[East of Jupiter]

Yeah, but some people are lucky to have very fertile bodies. This woman was having problems since age 29 AND couldn't have a successful pregnancy! And because of those issues she has (whatever they may be), the longer she waits, the harder and harder it WILL GET!Did you ever get tests done on why you are incapable of sustaining a pregnancy? The miscarriages must have been extremely emotionally draining? Does your husband have any feelings about what has happened the last couple years? Sometimes high stress will lead them to stray and avoid reality. I think you should have your baby and leave the sorry sack of crap.

 

You are right PT.

 

I however was not "fertile" which explains why I had my first child at 32. I didn't think I could have children up until then. But I also did not have the larger problem stated here.

 

P.S. My maternal grandmother had her last child at 50.

[Existential_Belle]

First of all, I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to post and answer my questions. It really helps to gain another perspective or two right now, especially since I’m still questioning mine a bit.

 

Lynna,

I like you, feel that he is making a sincere effort to gain back my trust and work on the issues that brought us here in the first place. Unlike many couples that find themselves in this situation, we talk and talk and talk some more about it. If we get mad at each other, we vent a bit, calm down and then resume talking. Up until the last 3 years or so, there wasn’t anything I couldn’t talk to him about and I believe the feeling was mutual. Then we got in the first really massive fight we’d ever been in over some friends of ours- he quit speaking to them and wanted me to do the same, but I didn’t agree. We couldn’t find a middle ground on it, so we stopped talking about it. After that, it was like a snowball effect. It got easier and easier to sweep things under the rug and pretend they were insignificant, rather than bring them out if it would cause another argument.

 

I’m not saying what happened to you or I is a good thing; but maybe it takes something this bad to shake people up and make them realize that what they have is precious and needs care and vigilance. We had taken each other for granted for far too long and neither of us knew how to change that or move through the barriers. Granted, he still shouldn’t have done what he did, but I think he was hurting from our silence too and that was what led up to that point. I don’t agree with it, I don’t condone it, but I can understand it. I know that leaving and moving on would have been the much easier route to take, but like you and your H, neither of us want that and we are willing to do what it takes to repair this and move forward. That’s wonderful that your H is going to counseling for himself. I truly believe that you can’t love someone else if you are in the mindset of not liking yourself. So many people don’t know that and rather than turning and introspective eye to themselves, they keeping going from one person to another, hoping that the next will be the one that can fix or complete them. I wish you every success; maybe the new job, new location and new outlook will wind up giving the both of you a whole new lease on life.

 

To update you on the child issue- Talked to H about it all day yesterday; he was disappointed that I didn’t want to go through with it right away, but understanding that we need to work through getting us back to a good place before we bring another stress and major responsibility into the mix. (If I was going to do it this month, I would have had to have started the hormones day after tomorrow. Little soon to say the least)

 

Pinktights,

Yes, I have had testing done- we’ve been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist since January of this year, following the two miscarriages last year. He found a thyroid problem and borderline polycystic ovarian syndrome, which they’ve been treating me for since. I’ve had endometriosis since the age of 15. I’ve also been through a dye study (which was very painful I might add) and a strict diet since we’ve been seeing this doc. My husband was as emotionally trashed as I was after the miscarriages- he’s always wanted children very badly. Up until last year though, we didn’t even believe I was capable of getting pregnant, because we hadn’t taken any precautions against it for the past 5 years or so and nothing has happened. We had always assumed that if we wanted children, we would have to adopt, use a surrogate, or other similar alternative. Then I got pregnant last year. And even though I miscarried both times, it was still enough to give us a glimmer of hope- if I could at least conceive- then maybe there was a chance, even if it was a slim one. The doc tells that 3-4 months after the dye study is optimal, but if we need to put it off a little longer, he can repeat it and we’ll go from there. They also told me to stay on the diet, keep working on improving my health and it would only help my chances when we are ready. I’m still committed to this relationship; I want us to discover what led us to this point and work through that, not only to prevent it from happening again, but to make it stronger than it was in the first place. Right now we’ll just take it one day at a time and see where it goes from there.

 

 

Lostboy,

I believe that H does want to work on this and needs help. If I didn’t truly believe that, I would have been packing this week instead of trying to gain some insight on how best to work towards resolving our problems. And you’re also right that the cheaters need help to. I think that’s more difficult for him to ask for because of pride issues. He also doesn’t have the network of friends to support him or offer advice as I do. Even though it’s hard for me to be sympathetic to how bad he feels about what he’s done, I’m still listening and talking to him about it. We’re talking about EVERTHING now. The floodgates are pretty much open at this point and there is no point in hiding things anymore that might cause a fight, because the worst has already happened. So we’re both feeling free to say whatever needs to be said for the first time in years. I’m not saying that I wish we hadn’t come to this some other way, I hate that he felt he needed to go to her instead of talking to me. The situation sucks, but there’s no reason we can’t make the best of the opportunities that come out of it