Marriage counseling, what to expect?

[FireandIce]

Well I told my husband last night that I want to go to MC. He doesn't think we need it..."we're happier now than we have been in years" was his answer when I brought it up. Well I'm glad he's so happy and content but I'm not. I deal with this whole A issue every single day and I feel so alone because other than LS I really have no one to talk to about it.

 

So I want to know what I can expect when seeing a counsellor. How does it work? Do we just go in there and talk and the counsellor just listens or do they give advice and such? If I can't get my H to go then I will go myself but honestly if he doesn't then IMO that says a lot about how committed he is to our marriage and to how I feel.

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

[Lynna]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say I am SO glad you asked this question. It is one I would really like to know the answer to as well! We are about to begin as well and are a little nervous about it.

[Melissa277]

Yeah, I'm glad you asked it too F&I.

 

H has finally agreed to counseling ... now I just have to get him to actually go. Maybe if I knew a little something about what goes on, he'll feel a little better about it. I'm afraid that he'll just clam up ... I mean, he hasn't been that forthcoming with me up to this point, so why would he open up to a counselor?

Melissa

[quankanne]

haven't been to marriage counselling per se, but DH & I did go on a Marriage Encounter weekend, which has the same goals: to help a couple achieve better communication skills.

 

initially, my husband thought I wanted to fix him because he was a "bad" husband, and he dragged his feet about going on this retreat. A couple of years later, he was game. Go figure!

 

I think maybe the key to his understanding was that counselling is not about blame or pointing fingers, but about how to make your marriage (good, bad or ugly) an even better relationship through improved communication between the two of you. That might mean facing up to some stuff about yourself or your marriage that you'd rather avoid; it might mean giving up selfish ways or pursuits; it might mean going the extra mile to ensure your partner that you're there because you WANT to be there, but it's all designed to improve your marriage.

 

it's good that he feels he's in a happy relationship, but until he can see that you still have some residual feelings about his past behavior – and how it continues to hurt your marriage – there's no way that it'll be a happy marriage for the both of you, you know?

[quankanne]

don't remember where I heard or read this, but it's so true: Marriage is the act of saying to your partner every day, "I choose you."

 

it can be so easy to just think your mere presence will show your desire or intention of being in that marriage, but in reality, you've got to communicate it in different ways, on a regular basis, so that the message is clear. Women tend to be excellent communicators because we like the idea of talking and sharing with others, while men tend to keep to themselves.

 

counselling (be it marriage counselling to help a couple through trouble spots or pro-active marriage enrichment programs) is to a marriage what tune-up jobs are to automobiles: You don't think twice about the need to keep the fluids topped and the oil changed or even the tire pressure in check, right? Because you know that by doing so, you're going to get the best performance from your vehicle by babying it. Counselling helps you get the tools you need to keep your marriage at it's optimal best, while rooting out trouble spots so that the marriage isn't hurt at a later point in time.

 

if you pitch it like that, it'd prolly make more sense to your guys, because they know about keeping their cars in good running condition!

[a4a]

Unless he is willing and has a desire to go it is a waste of time and money.

 

I would suggest you go by yourself to learn how to just accept him the way he is. Your asking him to fix a problem he does not have or will admit he has.

 

H and I went a few times..... he went on his own as well. I pushed for it. He refused to do anything the MC/shrink suggested. Still has not done one thing of the many suggested/ gave advice to do.

 

Ended up just being a pointless waste of time for me and just added more frustration to the mix..... made things worse IMHO. Just made me more resentful of him.

 

I have a friend going as well...... she pushed for it too..... ends up being a pointless waste of time for her as her H refuses to see any problems and just expects her to go with the program that he chooses. I guess he is still going and she quit going.

 

I also get the feeling that many shrinks/MC only have the goal of keeping a M together. It is not always in the best interest to do so. Some just give coping skills to the unhappy partner because the other is unwilling to compromise or change...... just draws out the misery for years.

 

Lot of things I could have done with $80 fees and the wasted hours instead.

 

- this is my opinion on my own situation.

[Lynna]

Marriage is the act of saying to your partner every day, "I choose you."

 

I LIKE that!!!! Thank you very much. That is an excellent reminder! I might have to hang that on the wall somewhere in our place, we could both use that reminder.

 

I like your thought of talking about counseling as a way to get thr right tools - that is a good analogy. I will try that with my H. Thanks!

[quankanne]

I hope he gets it, Lynna, but I've got to admit, I got really lucky when DH said he was interested in doing that retreat. Because as A points out, it doesn't quite work if someone is adverse to going or is unwilling to compromise or change for the betterment of the marriage.

[a4a]

I hope he gets it, Lynna, but I've got to admit, I got really lucky when DH said he was interested in doing that retreat. Because as A points out, it doesn't quite work if someone is adverse to going or is unwilling to compromise or change for the betterment of the marriage.

 

Makes it even worse that to save face the agree with the shrink and then don't do what they agreed to do.

 

So it actually made things even worse. My resentment tripled.

 

(sharpens fork tines)

[quankanne]

do you think it's arrogance on his part, or just laziness, and hoping you'll fall into line with his way of thinking?

 

next time, aim lower with your fork. Mr. Pee Pee might take you more seriously than he does :laugh:

[a4a]

do you think it's arrogance on his part, or just laziness, and hoping you'll fall into line with his way of thinking?

 

next time, aim lower with your fork. Mr. Pee Pee might take you more seriously than he does :laugh:

 

You know Q....... I don't care what the cause is. Not my issue to deal with it is his.... my issue is not using the fork on him. I will no longer try to fix his issues or analyze them. Whatever.... However, I will be the biggest biotch to him on the face of the planet..... because I will no longer play the game nor forgive or try to understand - nor fix things.

 

I simply state: you get the reaction you deserve..... if you no longer want this reaction - simply change your behavior.

 

I have Brie and I know how to use it...... it is getting close to cheese tossing time. Makes me feel better and that is what is important now..... now it is all about me feeling good. So now we are equally selfish.

[Melissa277]

Unless he is willing and has a desire to go it is a waste of time and money.

 

He refused to do anything the MC/shrink suggested. Still has not done one thing of the many suggested/ gave advice to do.

 

Ended up just being a pointless waste of time for me and just added more frustration to the mix..... made things worse IMHO. Just made me more resentful of him.

 

I have a friend going as well...... she pushed for it too..... ends up being a pointless waste of time for her as her H refuses to see any problems and just expects her to go with the program that he chooses.

 

 

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. H doesn't think we need it, so will forcing him do anything other than p*ss me off even more? I just can't see him opening up to a stranger about anything ... let alone anything about his A or his feelings, etc.

 

Sorry a4a, I can't remember you're story off the top of my head. Are you guys still together and if so, are you happy?

Melissa

[quankanne]

So now we are equally selfish.

 

don't know if I'd call you selfish for feeling this way, especially when you've tried and he hasn't.

 

so, does the brick of cheese get a tater up it's anal pore before it gets tossed? Or am I mixing my metaphors? :laugh:

[a4a]

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. H doesn't think we need it, so will forcing him do anything other than p*ss me off even more? I just can't see him opening up to a stranger about anything ... let alone anything about his A or his feelings, etc.

 

Sorry a4a, I can't remember you're story off the top of my head. Are you guys still together and if so, are you happy?

Melissa

 

I am happy. I am quite happy..... my M sucks. But I am happy. I am alone today so elated. I am only unhappy with our M when we are together

 

I really have no desire to move out so yes, still together. Eventually he will tire of me hating him and find someone else. Too bad because he will just repeat this behavior and end up in the same boat over and over again.

 

He is child like and I am the parent..... quite a burden indeed. But I have obligations that will not allow me to just pack up and leave. I will simply react to his behavior and stay until I feel the desire to pack up and go.

 

I am stuck here until next Dec at least..... no choice. So be it.

 

At least he is decent in bed once you get his pants off that is.

 

(I sound like an unhappy husband here)

 

Your H may very well open up to the shrink and expect him to show you a tad bit of anger that you may not have known to exist as well.

 

I ended up with a worse case on my hands with the H post shrinkage..... got cocky and just worse for awhile.

 

Best thing to do is get happy in your own skin then his issues won't matter to you.... with the exception of the ones that effect you in a bad way...... not just lack of affection type things, or lack of communication..... but decisions he makes that adversely effect you.

 

I could care less if my H comes home or not today = Reaction he has created.

 

BTW to make it clear.... shrink validates my side of things.... shrink gave up on my H. In conclusion my H treats me crappy and I am a biotch to him because of it.... not always....... keep in mind I used to jump through hoops to try to get him to treat me better.... I got over that behavior.

[a4a]

So now we are equally selfish.

 

don't know if I'd call you selfish for feeling this way, especially when you've tried and he hasn't.

 

so, does the brick of cheese get a tater up it's anal pore before it gets tossed? Or am I mixing my metaphors? :laugh:

 

Q ,I just don't care any more....

 

I just spew forth some adjectives at him and leave the room.

and say : you get the reaction you deserve

 

I do say it.

 

he doesn't learn....

 

No..... you don't hurt the tater..... you threaten the tater with the fork (act of symbolism to get your point across)

 

you throw the cheese:

the cheese is safe..... see I only throw semi soft or soft cheese ... don't want to damage furniture/walls.

 

and anal and tossing? I don't recall bring salad into my M or previous posts.

[Trialbyfire]

a4a, you want him to change for you. It isn't going to happen and if it does, it will be short-term. I still don't understand why you stay with him.

[a4a]

a4a, you want him to change for you. It isn't going to happen and if it does, it will be short-term. I still don't understand why you stay with him.

 

I stay because I have 15 horses and you cannot just pack them up and go to an apt.

 

Besides, I am not expecting him to change..... I could care less if he changes.

 

If he doesn't do something (like pay the bills on time) I just Release the Krackon (sp?) on him....

 

I could care less about our future or plans..... I have none. No expectations, no interest in "making things better".

 

When I feel like moving and find the proper facilities I will...... If I feel like it then.

 

I don't care if he doesn't speak to me for weeks at a time.... doesn't hurt.

 

he just tends to piss me off from time to time with his stupidity.

 

So I remind him how stupid he is. Perhaps the goal is to get him to move out.

[Topper]

a few years back my now ex wife insisted we go to marriage counseling I was very reluctant to go. Like many men I felt like it would be just one more person telling me that I was a bad husband . OK after a few sessions I did see how it really was. It was about taking a hard look at yourself and how the two of you realted to each other. On the other hand she started hating the sessions. She could not deal with her issues. She very much wanted the councilor to back her up in her criticisms of me. She had to be always right no matter what. She hated to hear that she just might be wrong. In the end we did get some things worked out for the better.

7 years later she wants a divorce. Then says she will not do counseling again.

IMHO if you have invested time and energy into a mariage it should be worth an hour or so a week. for a few weeks or more. It is like tuning your car or mantaining your home. If you let things go you need to take the time to do the proper repairs.

[a4a]

I think it is interesting how people use MC as a last resort.

 

I would guess that it is usually too late if that is the case.

 

Damage done past repair.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

We tried marriage counseling, didn't work. Basically he sat there smiled and told the counselor that the marriage was happy that he didn't need anything from me accept for trust, that was his only complaint.

 

The whole thing became about me giving him trust and all the while he's screwing his girlfriend. Ofcourse he didn't need anythng else from me. Seriously the counselor thinks I'm nuts in this and I can't even say, NO look at the information that I have, he's lying, because if I do that I give away the only way I have to know some of what is going on. I actually sat through 1 session after I had filed for divorce before he was served. THAT'S when I realized how crazy it was. IWWH, how have you been dealing with things? "absolutely fine, I need nothing from him no complaints what so ever", the counselor actually smiled, I think he knew I had made a decision. I wasn't going back after that, no need to waste any of our time. Always wanted to call the man and say, "hey, guess what, I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG"

 

Initially, they find out what your issues are. And our counselor would suggest homework. Tell each other something that you appreciate about the other one each day. Hell, I could have gotten that out of a fortune cookie. He also suggested that we read the boundaries book.

 

Now my H has suggested that we try MC again.:lmao: NOPE, been there done that! It was no good. I've read every self help, save your marriage book, ect... I don't care. I told him to see an IC, he was the problem not our marriage. I recently read on one of the affair sites "How to Break Free From the Affair" that he doesn't recommend counseling as it is seen as coersion.

 

Fire and Ice, Lynna, Melissa, I hope that you all have much better luck than I did, probably a lot has to do with the counselor. I asked what to expect the first visit. If I had one suggestion though it would be not to worry about rocking the boat when you go. Something to me that seemed absurd was that I didn't want to go in there and piss him off, I don't mind pissing him off in the heat of a "struggle" but serving it cold seemed like stirring ****. If you want to dig deep to accomplish something, don't be affraid to stir things up. Ofcourse your guys don't want to go, they are going to be sitting in the hot seat.

[tinktronik]

I think it is interesting how people use MC as a last resort.

 

I would guess that it is usually too late if that is the case.

 

Damage done past repair.

I happen to agree A4 , if you put it off too long, things are often too broken to repair but if you head off the minor irritants as they occur its like letting the steam off the top so you can just get on with your life.

In terms of what o expect from M counciling I would say it depends soley on the councilor you choose. I have heard of councilors who are great, some terrible, some take sides, ect. In my personal case my MC told me flat out to leave my (now ex) H and don't look back ... best advice I ever got. So you never know.

[a4a]

I recently read on one of the affair sites "How to Break Free From the Affair" that he doesn't recommend counseling as it is seen as coersion.

 

.

 

Agree.

 

I cannot believe how people are being told that they need to embrace and allow the other person to keep hurting them..ISMW.. BS!

 

F that.

 

The shrink we saw was a tell it like it was kinda guy..... I liked him. H did not of course - but sat there nodding his head saying he agreed and would do this or that...... blah blah blah blah blah...... H never did a thing shrinky suggested.

 

Told H to call the shrink today and get some pills..... I don't care what kind of pills they are, but something so he quits bothering me. Vanishing cream may work too.

 

(I have erected the 3 foot barrier circle around myself at this point - I don't want him near me unless it I am in the mood for his services)

[Trialbyfire]

So I remind him how stupid he is. Perhaps the goal is to get him to move out.

Okay, this works.

[a4a]

Okay, this works.

 

I am not being mean on purpose...... it just comes out now. Reaction he deserves.

 

I do not have a goal to get him to move out.... so please don't think that.

 

Eventually he will go cheat with a ding a ling with 3 kids from 3 different daddies that thinks he is a big hero because he doesn't beat her and he puts on his "I am so good" BS act.

 

Hope they have fun...... hope that trailer is a rockin'

 

and of course I told him I expect this from him.

[quankanne]

Vanishing cream may work too.

 

*snicker* ... might try a good degreaser, too ...