On his way home & I don't know how to prepare myself for this

[angel3]

He called to say he'll be home by around 1am. It will be the first time seeing him since I found out

 

Why do I feel as nervous and anxious as though he's a stranger?

 

I'm going to try and pull myself out of this funk of a pity party - I can't do that here (I never made it out for the 4th after all) - and take the kids to the fireworks. The time that takes, and then by the time we get home, get them to bed etc - is surely better spent rushing around than pacing the floor, trying to imagine what to say.

 

Any tips or advice for the upcoming ... what do I call this? Confrontation? Meeting? Talk? Face to face confession?

 

It is so uncomfortable that this all happened over the phone. He hasn't been here through this process I am going through. For this first time ever, his return home will feel like a stranger coming into our home.

 

I normally ask my best friend for advice. I wish I could now.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

angel,

 

Gosh, Angel, I don't know. The first day I asked questions was calm cool and rational, numb and shocked actually. The next morning I woke up and wrote down everything I felt. I couldn't say it to him. The next day I started reading a book which validated every feeling I had expressed, how ever disconnect my thought might have seemed. I gave the letter to him and "went to run some errands" I found a dark restaurant during the off hours and sat there for forever, listing thoughts and questions. Basically I divided a bunch of sheets in half and considered both sides of issues as I scribbled for for ever. We talked when I got home and I kind of used my chicken scratch as a guide. Kept me from saying ummm.... what was I going to say, or I had a question, ummmm....???

 

Go with what feels right at the moment. You have the week to sort through things. The hardest part was wanting to be held by someone you aren't sure if you'll ever let touch you again. I know your nervous.

[child_of_isis]

I would say to try to keep calm. See what he has to say and take it from there.

 

Good luck.

[shadowofman]

I think I've said something like this before....

At this point, I think you should concider the broken contract on your relationship as void. As you've expressed, you feel like he is a stranger. Give him an opportunity to state his case, but don't let him off without completely describing his mental processes that lead him to brake his vow of monogamy. What is he more upset about? The fact that he didn't hold up his end of the contract, or the fact that you caught him. There really is no doubt that he is sorry that you are upset. Anyone would be beating themselves down for the causing pain of a loved one. The real question is what will his behavior be like in the future.

 

Ten years from now, when his thoughts entertain this idea again (which they inevitably WILL), do you want him to fear you into not doing it?

Fear is a horrible control method, but maybe your only option for the preservation of your own emotional wellbeing

Do you want him to confess that he was thinking about it, when he was thinking about it, along with the exitement that these thoughts heralded, but he didn't because a little "angel" on his shoulder talked him out of it?

This is obviously the honorable approach. The most difficult approach. And would most likely have the adverse effect of lowering your self-esteem in the sense that you would most likely feel inadequate. Something that he would not be willing to do, hence the difficulty. While the truth of this matter is that a man will want to have sex with a variety of women regardless of the quality or quantity of sex he is receiving from his wife or the love he holds for her.

Do you just simply want him to never have these thoughts again? Is that possible even with the stongest love?

I think this is wishful thinking!

 

As far as your first encounter...If it were me, I wouldn't stand for any excuse that doesn't include a few admissions on his part.

1. That he knew exactly what he was doing when he did it five times

2. That he wanted to do it each time knowing exactly how you would feel if you DID find out (no one twisted his arm unless you want to believe he couldn't control the chemical drive in his brain)

3. That just because he is sorry for the pain you are experiencing, does not mean that he is sorry for his actions.

4. That there is nothing that he can say to prove that he will never attempt to sneak one by you again.

It's all faith after that. It's all in the eyes. Your judgement call.

[angel3]

and I survived. So far. That's something, right?

 

I had wondered if it would be hard to look him in the eye, but I hadn't really thought about how hard it would be just to look at him. I think it must've taken me half an hour.

 

And not because I wasn't trying - not at all, in fact, I have been waiting all this time to see what is in his eyes. So I kept trying as we began to talk, but couldn't bring myself to face him. Until that moment I didn't realize that ... I didn't want him to see me cry. Impossible, I know, but at first - I guess I wanted to feel strong and capable and secure, when the truth is, I felt anything but. I knew that looking at him would just break my heart, and I didn't want to be a sobbing fool in front of him, I felt like he didn't deserve to see me that way, so vulnerable. But then, I thought, yes he does, I don't need to try to hide it, he did this to me. I managed to sit there and wait and listen, but it took him a while to speak.

 

I listened, asked honest questions as kindly as I could, and spoke from my heart. I tried with every fiber of my being to understand - not just his act, but the man I love, sitting in front of me. The truth in him, no matter what, what ever that may be. The honest, bare-bones truth about him and about me and about our marriage together. I guess I figure, if this is it, the fork in the road, the place where we ( or I ) decide if this thing we have had is going to stop, or maybe one day continue, then there need to be no 'little men behind the green curtains'.

 

Time to stare cold hard reality in the face, to see love with all it's imperfections, two human beings with their own individual personalities, trying to form a perfect union. Knowing that there is no such thing. I remembered - humans are imperfect, so therefore, no union of human beings can be perfect. So what do we have? Really? Who are we - as individuals, as a couple? How did we get here? Is it even possible to get back to where we were? Are we those same people?

 

It was a slow start, with the standard 'Because I was stupid' kind of answers. But I gently asked him to expand and explain, and after a while, he did. And he said things that must have come from somewhere way down inside, because it was, at times, almost unbearable to hear. Man, there were some moments harder to get through than any I thought I would ever experience in my life. He choked and sputtered his way through some hard stuff ( it clearly was not easy for him ) but he did answer my questions for me, no matter how hard.

 

You know what? The entire time, we did not fight. I've just realized this. Not once. I did not pick a fight despite my anger over this, never wanted to. He did not get defensive. There was no sarcasm (well not really, nothing insulting, just normal conversational stuff, like irony, on both sides IYKWIM) no disrespect, no insulting or digs or low blows, no yelling or raising voices, certainly no name calling or anything like that. /We talked. /And cried - and talked some more, asking and answering questions.

 

Truth is, we never have been fighters, not really. Sure we would fight, but fair and respectfully, in a healthy way. So this wasn't a stretch from that viewpoint, but because of the severity of the situation, I didn't know how it would go. I guess you could say - you couldn't have a better horrific conversation. It went as well as it could reasonably go. I am proud of myself, of us, for handling the situation so ... respectfully. In spite of everything.

 

When I was able, we looked each other in the eye. He answered some tough questions reasonably. Of course, nothing made it all better, a lot of it was awful to hear, but they were real answers. No skirting or side stepping or excuses.

 

Eventually, I gave in and allowed myself to feel the hurt fully without trying to hide anything at all. I spoke straight from the heart. I told him that I want to hate him but that feels wrong inside because I love him. If I didn't it wouldn't break me apart like this, that I would have left already. I told him that although i want to believe I can work on forgiveness, I don't yet know if I can. I told him that I need to know who he really is, who we are as a couple - that I have a lot to try and understand, think about, say, ask, decide.

 

At the point when he really, fully broke down - after opening up, saying some truths that must have been hard to say out loud, because they were certainly hard to hear - while seeing my true pain with his own eyes and recognizing that he caused that pain - and then, I told him the truth about how the situation made me feel:

 

Seeing him sobbing - with genuine and heartfelt regret and sorrow, when he acknowledged how terrible he felt for doing this to me, to our marriage and our friendship, to our little family - and I saw pain in him the likes of which I have seen very rarely in my lifetime on this earth (pain I know too well at this time) - and seeing him hurting so badly, it broke my heart. That is the truth. I love him and don't want to see him hurting. This is why the locks weren't changed before he got home. Why I need to know.

 

Can you bloody well believe that? But I am so proud of myself for being so brave, for facing and acknowledging that truth, and I spoke gently and honestly and explored this feeling with him right then and there. There was, for a moment, no past or future, only just that now-moment, and I said exactly what I was feeling to him. Sitting on opposite ends of the room, there were were, sobbing at the same time, and I told him how much I love him, how much I have always loved him, that I want so badly to hate him but can't - if I could, this would be easy for me. But I do love him, and I don't like to see him hurting, and it makes me want to hold him, to comfort him, but I can't, can I? How do I hold him and comfort him when he is hurting so badly, when I would be comforting him for what he did to /me/? And it killed me and tore me up inside to be that transparent when I feel so self-protective.

 

We had a moment where it was like we were mourning a loss together - both grieving, in different ways and from opposite side but for the same thing. For the last ten years coming to and end, for the realization that he had it in him to cause this pain and damage to me, to our marriage and family, for the painful heartbreak and disappointment and confusion I was suffering, and the painful regret and remorse that was ripping him apart. It was a weird feeling, doing that together for the same things but from different sides of a terrible void. Each wanting to comfort the other, for different reasons, knowing we can't for different reasons, wishing to be going through something together as a team like we have done for a decade so well - it was hard to stand apart like that, paralyzed still by the same grief - an end to that part of our marriage, I think. Accepting that as we have known it to be, all the great parts, of which there are countlessly more than not - is now changed forever. Knowing we're at a stop at the fork in the road, and realizing how hard finding the right direction, let alone traveling it, will be.

 

When it got to the point of exhaustion, we decided to take a break. He's on the couch, our bedroom is my private safe place. It was hard, it was so hard, to walk away without feeling like we'd finished anything. Knowing that's impossible this soon, but ... just walking away and saying goodnight. I think he has truly realized that the may have done irreparable damage, and was experiencing what it is like to be without the comfort and safety of each other's arms & embrace. He stood outside the kids door for ten minutes trying to stop sobbing so he could go in and tuck them in - I'm guessing that the thought of losing his family is previewing itself to him. And across the house, to me - and we were both feeling the raw pain and sadness of all the implications this is having. But again, from opposite sides.

 

I'm all talked out. I'm so tired I can see straight. I'm hoping that now I can get some sleep after we have at least made a start. So far, for five days, I have only been able to nod off briefly - I hope now I can get some real sleep, even a little.

[child_of_isis]

That was so sad. It brought tears to my eyes. But I understand. The XSO and I are pretty much in the same place.

 

The words that really effected me is "irreparable damage". Man do I know that place.

 

This line got me also. It is not fair that we have to make this decision...or to feel the future of the R lies in our hands. Really, it's not true. They themselves decided the fate of the R when they did things to break our trust and faith.

 

 

I guess I figure, if this is it, the fork in the road, the place where we ( or I ) decide if this thing we have had is going to stop, or maybe one day continue,

 

Hang tough and get some rest.

[angel3]

Thanks. I'm a mess right now. I haven't slept since July 1st!

 

Yes, the most soul-wrenching part is the innocence lost, the sanctity tarnished ... that even if you get it back, it will never be that 150% complete and joyful again. Irreparable damage. Inflicted intentionally, to boot.

 

What I meant by the fork in the road part ...

 

I agree totally that they decided the fate of the R when they broke trust. I know both partners have to work on rebuilding, but I do think it's his job to work on repair right now, at the very beginning. But we have to decide to forgive and heal, too ... or to cut and walk away. When I said 'this thing we had is going to stop - or it is going to continue ' I was referring to the love, the relationship, the marriage, not the infidelity - rereading it now I don't think I was very clear there. Yes, of course, THAT decision is HIS and his alone.

 

My decisions, at this particular 'fork in the road,' are which path to choose - one towards healing and forgiving, or the other, which is a dead end. Since I need to know in my own heart, truly, if I can do this, I feel the need to know the situation between us, who he really is - how strong are M really was in the first place - in as much honest reality as I can.

 

I've officially gone cross eyed. must ... sleep ... it hurts to think.

[child_of_isis]

So was I. I was referring to that part. I don't think I am explaining this right. But it seems when we have to decide which road to take, that we also are deciding the fate of the R.

 

Do you understand what I am saying?

 

All of a sudden the fate of the R hangs in our hands. How did that happen? I don't want the responisbility of putting the final thrust of the knife into a 13 year R.

When I said 'this thing we had is going to stop - or it is going to continue ' I was referring to the love, the relationship, the marriage, not the infidelity -.

[Lynna]

Angel, I am glad to know that it went "well". That you were able to discuss things calmly and rationally. That is a good step. I wish you all the best alnog the road to recovery, no matter where that leads you.

[angel3]

Child-of-isis, yes, I do understand what you are saying. It isn't fair, is it? Thanks for talking me through it so I understand the truth in your words.

 

Lynna - thank you, truly. I think it is a good step too, and it is reassuring to hear it from someone who's opinion I respect and advice I trust.

 

I can't say it enough times - the support I am blessed with here, from so many of you, is immeasurable, and I cannot express enough gratitude. I would be utterly alone with these thoughts, musings, ramblings, without you being so here and ... readily and willingly available to me, so generous with your time - reading so many long posts, responding so thoughtfully with sincere support and advice to hold me up. *crying* How do I say thank you for all of that? Words aren't big enough.

 

At least I am no longer sitting here alone, trying to fill in blanks that I can't fill in, wondering if her really wants to come back at all, or is waiting to break worse news to my face. He is here, we are talking (in calm, constructive, respectful conversations), he is trying with every fiber of his being to be accountable & responsible for his actions, is remorseful and apologetic, is trying to prove to me that our love is and always was real, and that he can't live without me. So, my fears about it getting even worse - him not being sorry and waiting to get here to really leave, are calmed. He wants nothing more than a second chance. So at least I know that much. Now I can focus on our talks, and trying to sort out this mess, not bracing myself for even more devastation.

 

I can't believe the ups and downs and extreme contradictions in my emotions, fluctuating literally from one moment to the next. It is so hard to love him so much, want to hate him, not be able to hate him, want to believe in his love for me but not be able to understand how it is possible ... to want to fold into him and hold him and feel reassured and comforted, but not be able to get that from him - I can't bear to let him touch me, and how could he comfort em when he cause the pain?

 

I am so conflicted, confused, devastated ... but for the first time, I do have some (tiny amount of) hope. I know and believe that he wants to fix this and is committed to doing so. So that does leave us with choices, options, about our M. It is better than not knowing if I believe in his love for me. I still need him to help me understand it - this is only the tiniest baby step - but the hope comes from knowing that there is at least, a chance. It is not over already - there is so much to figure out, so far to go before I can know what I want, or if I think I can do it. But the chance, the choice, is there - where yesterday at this time, I didn't know if it was.

 

I feel like I am talking in circles. am I making any sense what so ever?

 

Not sure if he is truly remorseful, truly loves me - no idea if there could even be hope, or if it's over already.

 

He is here, we are talking, I do believe that a second chance - that I am all he wants.

 

That is a baby step toward hope, right?

 

Getting ready for the next wave to hit, the ride never stops. I expect to fully doubt everything I just said in the next breath.

[Lynna]

I can't believe the ups and downs and extreme contradictions in my emotions, fluctuating literally from one moment to the next. It is so hard to love him so much, want to hate him, not be able to hate him, want to believe in his love for me but not be able to understand how it is possible ... to want to fold into him and hold him and feel reassured and comforted, but not be able to get that from him - I can't bear to let him touch me, and how could he comfort em when he cause the pain?

 

I am so conflicted, confused, devastated ... but for the first time, I do have some (tiny amount of) hope.

 

I feel like I am talking in circles. am I making any sense what so ever?

 

Oh Angel, you make PERFECT sense given the situation!!!! You saw me yesterday, I was making no sense at all. Our emotions pull us in so many different directions, it is so confusing, it is a whirlwind. I imagine it is what getting caught in a tornado would be like, everything is ripped apart. I am so glad that you are talking, calmly and taking things slowly before rushing off the deep end (like I did yesterday!). It sounds to me like he is very sincere. Give it some time, keep taking those baby steps. And just remember, that baby steps are a LOT shorter than regular adult steps. You may get frusterated with dealing with this, you may want for it to just be over with already. But it won't be, not for a long time. Ultimately who knows what will happen once the baby of this new relationship reaches the toddler stage. And it is a new relationship, you have mourned and will continue to mourn the old one, now you are in a new one. I am with you Angel, and all of you out there going through similar things and am holding you in my heart (it is a ragged heart but there is room!).

[Snuggle Tiger]

Well, I expect to get flamed, but here it goes....

 

Your husband engaged in recreational sex, he purchased an orgasm. I don't know what you think escorts are like, but its not a date, its not a girlfriend and they don't kiss.

 

I feel its a bigger transgression to kiss and develop an emotional bond with a co-worker, friend or neighbor than it is to have sex with an escort.

 

Go to MC. You are entitled to your hurt and anger, but he sounds like too good a man for this to cause you to split up.

 

Unless he does it again.

 

Then you kick his ass to the curb.