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Winning back a wayward spouse.......


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So, I found out my husband was pretty deep into an affair with a woman he had met when his job took him to another state for months on end. He was coming home every six to eight months, only to stay for a couple of weeks at a time. We also had a newborn when all this started. To top things off, I also found out that the OW had moved to the state that we reside in when my husband took a job that would keep him at home instead of being so far away.

 

I received some very good advice and kind words to my first post. I have currently been looking over information found on the Marriage Builders website. If anyone is familiar with it, I found my situation to be somewhat similar to the one in the letter "Unfaithful Husband #3". Now, of course I have not been "little miss sunshine" lately, it is hard to be when you know the man you thought you would be with for the rest of your life is in love with another woman. So Dr. Harley suggests, as a first step, to be the best wife you can possibly be. To try to win the wayward spouse back with kindness and compassion. No more "raincloud". Just as the lady in the letter, I do believe that my husband has quit seeing the other woman, but I do know he still talks to her on occasion. And now that I have received feedback from others who have been in the same boat, I understand that some of his moodiness and sadness is because he is going through "withdrawal".

 

So, I guess I would like to know who has gone through this before and how do you go through this? I am preparing myself mentally. Dr. Harley suggests about a six month period of the "best wife" phase, and then if things don't change and the wayward spouse still won't initiate no contact, then I need to set down my ultimatum. I would like to hear about other experiences with this and how you were able to set aside the hurt and anger in an effort to win your spouse back, especially when you know they are hurting for the company of someone else. :confused:

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LucreziaBorgia
I do believe that my husband has quit seeing the other woman, but I do know he still talks to her on occasion.

 

There is no chance at reconciliation or winning back your husband as long as he is in contact with the OW in any way, shape or form. Its like a crackhead and crack. You don't break the habit by smoking smaller chunks, or smoking it less frequently. You can only break the addiction by ridding your system of it completely, and not partaking in any form.

 

That said, I do agree that it is easier to draw flies with honey than vinegar, but if this fly is still buzzing around a certain pile, he won't pay attention to the vinegar OR the honey.

 

There has got to be a way to establish NC with the OW, either through exposure or threat of a great loss to your WH.

 

Affairs don't end for altruistic reasons. You can be wife of the year, and it won't keep him away from the OW. The affair has to be forced to end - and the only way to force it is to either expose the OW or let your H know that you will divorce him if he contacts her in any way, shape or form.

 

He can't and won't reconcile with you as long as he has the crack in his system. Detox first, reconciliation second.

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I agree with LB and all the experts, there should be absolutely NC between your H and the OW.

 

Now that I have that out of my system, I'll tell you that sometimes you can't get that and the marriage can still survive. I discovered many months after my discovery of the A that this whore actually worked with my h in a relatively small office. Their jobs bring them into direct contact with one another. In addition, she continued for at least 6 months to corner him and have it out over his ending the A and how she felt used. Truth be told, she really used him more to try and get out of a stale marriage. Anyway, it has been both better and harder knowing he sees her.

 

When I found out, he told her all non-work contact was over. No calls, no lunches and he attempted to have no conversations about the H. He said it was 3 to 4 weeks of this before he really felt the addition subsiding and began to stop longing to have a personal relationship with her. It has drawn out our recovery, no doubt.

 

The worst part was it caused the lying to continue, because he tried to keep me from finding out she worked with him. The continuation of the lies and sharing secrets with her was the most damaging to our relationship and we are still getting through that part. Your H will feel better in the long run if he breaks it off completely.

 

Let me tell you though, she will not make it easy on him. She will work her hardest to make him feel guilty, to feel like he owes her the conversations and get togethers, and she will be unrelenting. He needs to understand that you understand this, but you have to create a sense that you are on the same team with him and that you both have to work hard to regain your trust in one another.

 

See if he will read After the Affair with you. It will help him to see what is going on so much better.

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I have come to realize that there can be no full reconciliation without complete no contact. I am just wondering if calming the waters at home a bit might help to alleviate some of the tension between the two of us.

 

From one day to the next it is completely different emotionally.

 

What really bothers me so much is the fact that before we were married, he and I talked about what it meant to us. He was so sure of the fact that he did not want to walk in his father's footsteps and put his family through such pain, because he remembers what it was like. It makes me so angry that he can "love" this OW so much, when she is helping him walk down the road that he was so afraid of repeating with his wife and child. I am completely fighting the urge right now to contact her, yet again, and give her something to think about. But, I know she most likely won't care.

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silktricks
I am completely fighting the urge right now to contact her, yet again, and give her something to think about. But, I know she most likely won't care.

 

Don't contact her, it will only give her ammunition to use against you.

 

It sounds like your husband is confused - or at least confusing. Has he said he wants to make your marriage work? But he's still seeing the OW?

 

Has he agreed to marriage counseling?

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He should be the one trying to win you back not the other way around. You can do much better than him.

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So Dr. Harley suggests, as a first step, to be the best wife you can possibly be.

 

Just like Dr. John Gray (who say that whenever you're not satisfied with your husband's behaviour, congratulate him every time he does something nice instead of nagging when he doesn't..blablabla...in the meantime you do everything... and he does nothing... smart duh!!!).

 

These doctors are MEN for god's sake... they will tell you to be nice, let them walk all over you... and maybe, just maybe...in 6 months he will get tired of the OW and run back to you... until he finds someone else again. This is soooo silly, really.

 

No... you need to put your foot down and tell him what YOU WANT HIM to do...which is absolutely no more contact with this woman...

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So Dr. Harley suggests, as a first step, to be the best wife you can possibly be.

 

Just like Dr. John Gray (who say that whenever you're not satisfied with your husband's behaviour, congratulate him every time he does something nice instead of nagging when he doesn't..blablabla...in the meantime you do everything... and he does nothing... smart duh!!!).

 

These doctors are MEN for god's sake... they will tell you to be nice, let them walk all over you... and maybe, just maybe...in 6 months he will get tired of the OW and run back to you... until he finds someone else again. This is soooo silly, really.

 

No... you need to put your foot down and tell him what YOU WANT HIM to do...which is absolutely no more contact with this woman...

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Don't contact her, it will only give her ammunition to use against you.

 

It sounds like your husband is confused - or at least confusing. Has he said he wants to make your marriage work? But he's still seeing the OW?

 

Has he agreed to marriage counseling?

 

Confused and confusing. Yes, he SAID he wants to make the marriage work. I don't believe he is seeing her anymore, just talking. She lives about an hour away from our town....when she moved here she basically left all her family and friends behind. He feels guilty for her moving out here with no one to count on if she gets in a bind. I told him that was her fault for "falling in love" with a MARRIED MAN. She's an adult.

 

I'm working on the counseling.

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Confused and confusing. Yes, he SAID he wants to make the marriage work. I don't believe he is seeing her anymore, just talking. She lives about an hour away from our town....when she moved here she basically left all her family and friends behind. He feels guilty for her moving out here with no one to count on if she gets in a bind. I told him that was her fault for "falling in love" with a MARRIED MAN. She's an adult.

 

I'm working on the counseling.

 

He feels guilty for her moving out here with no one to count on if she gets in a bind.

 

He feels sorry for her... aaahhhh and he owes her his support..

She's an hour away... that's nothing... are you always with him 24/7?

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Confused and confusing. Yes, he SAID he wants to make the marriage work. I don't believe he is seeing her anymore, just talking. She lives about an hour away from our town....when she moved here she basically left all her family and friends behind. He feels guilty for her moving out here with no one to count on if she gets in a bind. I told him that was her fault for "falling in love" with a MARRIED MAN. She's an adult.

 

I'm working on the counseling.

 

I think you are being a bit too understanding with him.

 

He is only talking to her...:sick:.......... and that is ok with you?

 

Does he not feel guilty about the lies he told you and moving his lover to be near him?

 

Tell him to either quit talking to her or go move in with her....... you will see him in court........ get his ass to MC/IC or you will see him in court.

 

He is walking all over you because you let him. He is also the father of your child and he should be considering what will happen if he leaves his child in a bind...... what no guilt there for him?

 

He is not a noble/ nice person for wanting to "help" his OW if she gets in a bind.... he is an ass for doing what he did to both of you and your child. He is an adult as well..... time to start seeing that he needs to be responsible for his choices and he needs to get off his cheating ass and put effort in to fix the M. His choice..... you or her, make the choice and take action on the choice immediatley, if not sooner.

 

If he wants to be with her..... let him.

But do not let him walk all over you and keep playing with your life and your childs life.

 

He needs to crap or get off the pot.

 

Not to try to hurt you, but you are being as wishy washy as he is about this.........or so it would seem from your posts. :o

 

What is stopping you from being more "aggressive" about your position in this mess? Are you in fear of something?

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I think you are being a bit too understanding with him.

 

Not to try to hurt you, but you are being as wishy washy as he is about this.........or so it would seem from your posts. :o

 

 

You know, your right.

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Not to try to hurt you, but you are being as wishy washy as he is about this.........or so it would seem from your posts. :o

 

Yes, I am being "wishy-washy", but that is the mental state of many people who find out their spouse is cheating. It is such an emotional journey from one day to the next. I know that the fog will clear eventually and I will be able to see straight again, but right now I am just trying to find my way. That is why I came to this forum. I was hoping to get some "words of wisdom" from others who have been in my shoes. To talk with others who share the same pain that I am feeling. It isn't easy, especially with children involved. But, the truth is that while many of us have shared the same types of roller coaster rides, we can't feel what the person on the other end of the computer is feeling...it isn't something we can put our hands on and touch. We don't know the specifics of each others lives. Maybe I am counting too much on LoveShack and doctors who don't know what they are talking about.

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Ruby Tuesday

I think what the others are trying to tell you is that you dont have to kiss his ass, he should be kissing yours. Certianly not the OW's. You cant give control to someone who is not in control. Its risky and dangerous.

 

Still, it takes some on again off again approach to ending an affair. (I've had a few d-days) some WS have to learn the hard way.

 

You have to be prepared to deal with the fact that he may just be cooling his heels until he has all his ducks in a row for divorce too. You have to be prepared for the fact he may still be seeing her intimately. You have to be prepared for the fact that his affair is not over.

 

It's hard for them to let go of their affair partner and its even harder to be their spouse watching them withdrawing from the affair and knowing you can do nothing about it. You will also pass through stages of emotions.

 

I'm not too keen on marriagebuilders, because once the reconcilliation honeymoon ends, your grief will still be misplaced. It will build up and then you will lose it eventually. For now, dont put up with anything you dont want to accept. Nobody in their right mind would allow the OW to remain in contact with their WS even to save their marriage.

 

Most WS just do it in secret, like mine did. A month after d-day, he said he was going to Walmart, but I got a call from a friend that he was at OW's house. When asked to produce a receipt it conflicted with the time it takes to drive there, shop for two small items and drive back again. Then it turned into he stopped at a guy friends house. Then I let him have it with the truth. Feel me?

 

You cant bypass the anger stage you have to let your emotions out and be honest with him and be honest with yourself, otherwise you're just cheating fate by manipulating him with affection. You can never go wrong by being honest and straightforward. You just have to be true to yourself.

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Ruby Tuesday

PS I went into a auto pilot mode for several months. I just remained a wife. I just survived day to day. But when I realized that he was being a cake eater, I went into playboy bunny mode. I started taking care of myself and doing my own thing and got my don't give a f*ck on. That snapped him back to my side. The WS has to realize he is losing a good thing. Don't forget the OW has had the upper hand for a long time and used that perfect wife routine since the beginning. Also, when they "talk", she is probably advising him to stay with her too.

 

Nothing is gonna happen until you get aggressive and give him something to think long and hard about.

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I

Still, it takes some on again off again approach to ending an affair. (I've had a few d-days) some WS have to learn the hard way.

 

 

Most WS just do it in secret, like mine did. A month after d-day, he said he was going to Walmart, but I got a call from a friend that he was at OW's house. When asked to produce a receipt it conflicted with the time it takes to drive there, shop for two small items and drive back again. Then it turned into he stopped at a guy friends house. Then I let him have it with the truth. Feel me?

 

 

 

I feel you. I just confronted him and asked him if he had seen her at all, instead of just talking via phone, and he said he had...that she has come by his job to see him. I guess he is going to have to learn the hard way.

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Ruby Tuesday

How about a big hug :bunny: oh god, raincloud. I feel you too. I do not miss those days at all. Just keep in the back of your mind you are not alone. Have you read surviving infidelity? It's a much better site than marriage builders. I dont post there anymore but it sure helped me alot when I was just starting out.

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How about a big hug :bunny: oh god, raincloud. I feel you too. I do not miss those days at all. Just keep in the back of your mind you are not alone. Have you read surviving infidelity? It's a much better site than marriage builders. I dont post there anymore but it sure helped me alot when I was just starting out.

 

 

I'll have to check it out. The thing is, life doesn't slow down so you can pick yourself up, you just have to keep on moving and doing the best you can.

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MrsHellFire

Why why why???? I hate to be frank, but he's NO PRIZE to fight over hunny. LET GO! Have some respect for yourself and keep your dignity and pride intact! A sleazebag should be dumped; not chased.

 

Men want what they can't have or what is hard to achieve. If you act like a desperate and needy woman, that's not attractive. I'd be going to the gym, getting my physical image in order, reading some books, getting out more and stop acting like such a leach. Create your OWN life for yourself and act like you don't need him. Eventually he'll be chasing you. Hell, even get some male friends to hang out with. Don't treat this guy like a trophy when he's a piece of crap who should be vying for YOUR attention. Continue acting like a doormat and what makes you think anyone will STOP stepping all over you?

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Ladyjane14

Harley's Plan A does not assume that the affair is over. And in your case, as long as the affair partners are in contact, the emotional dynamics of the affair are indeed NOT over.

 

Rome wasn't built in a day though. It takes time. A WS is often a bit distrustful of the changes he observes in his betrayed spouse. He worries that if he gives up the affair, the old status quo will return. In this, Plan A is a little like taming a barn cat to feed from your hand. You're building emotional trust with him.

 

Plan A is a period of time in which you PROVE to your WS that you've got the ability to be a superior partner. And even though it doesn't seem right or fair... it IS competitive. :(

 

That said, you do risk becoming a "doormat" if your Plan A is extended beyond the time when you've proved your point. Once he knows in his heart that you are ready, willing, and able to meet his needs within the marriage, and once he knows that you are committed to long-lasting changes... IMHO Plan A is done. Having a set time-frame can be detrimental, because it becomes permissive after a while.

 

This is a tight-rope walk over hot coals while blind-folded, Rain. You have to feel your way. And sometimes it requires you to act in ways that go against the grain. For example, a little bit of temporary tolerance for backsliding.

 

Occasional contact while the affair fizzles out is a given. It's not something you want to encourage of course, but he needs to feel like he's safe with you and that he can talk to you about anything. This might feel unnatural, but at the same time it could further cement his emotional trust within the marriage if he's able to bring you into his inner circle. One of the obstacles you face is that he probably feels like he can talk to the OW about anything. You can beat her time here.

 

Anyway, my point is that in the end, only YOU will know when the time is right to go to Plan B or even Plan D. Just be aware that staying in Plan A too long can hurt you in the long run, so don't put a time constraint on it. You'll know if/when it becomes necessary. You'll feel it. Have some faith in YOU. ;)

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Ladyjane14

Don't forget what I told you on your other thread... If he was walking up to you and punching you in the nose a couple times a week, how would you react to THAT?! :eek:

 

There's quite a bit of difference between the "backsliding" unintentional kind of contact that happens while the affair fizzles out, and willful continuance of contact when he KNOWS he's hurting you. This too, is something you need to feel your way through.

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This is a tight-rope walk over hot coals while blind-folded, Rain. You have to feel your way. And sometimes it requires you to act in ways that go against the grain. For example, a little bit of temporary tolerance for backsliding.

 

Occasional contact while the affair fizzles out is a given. It's not something you want to encourage of course, but he needs to feel like he's safe with you and that he can talk to you about anything. This might feel unnatural, but at the same time it could further cement his emotional trust within the marriage if he's able to bring you into his inner circle. One of the obstacles you face is that he probably feels like he can talk to the OW about anything. You can beat her time here.

 

Anyway, my point is that in the end, only YOU will know when the time is right to go to Plan B or even Plan D. Just be aware that staying in Plan A too long can hurt you in the long run, so don't put a time constraint on it. You'll know if/when it becomes necessary. You'll feel it. Have some faith in YOU. ;)

 

Thank you, Ladyjane. This was good to read this morning. You, and a few other posters, have the best way with words and the advice you give.

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FireandIce

I'm sorry you are going through this raincloud. I know what you are going through and it's not fun. My WH and I split up near the end of February and although I tried to ignore the signs, he was indeed having an affair since last summer. It's a long story (which is posted somewhere here) but she had been after him for quite awhile and our relationship wasn't at it's best and finally they started an affair.

 

We had split for other reasons (I didn't have conclusive proof of an affair until after we had split up) and then I found out about the affair. I was hurt, angry, sickened, etc. When I first found out (from a few different people in fact) I was pretty much just angry and full of hate. I didn't confront him about it for two weeks because me being me, I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed before I let him know that I knew about his whore. When I did confront him about it he lied at first but finally admitted everything. I think that hurt the most. Actually hearing him say the words made me sick to my stomach. It was a hurt that I have never felt before in my life and I hope I never feel it again.

 

It was a few weeks after that when he came over to see the kids. He was sitting with me in the living room and said "I miss this". I was angry! I told him that he should have thought about that before having an affair.

 

Anyways to make a long story short (and trust me, it's a very long story...lol) we decided to make things work. He moved back in just over two months ago and although things are going well between us, it's still very hard. I think about her being with him almost every single day. Anytime he is even 15 minutes late that's the first thing I think about. He has had no contact with her since coming home although she has tried to contact him. That made it very hard because I felt as though I was competing for something that was mine in the first place. Not a nice feeling really.

 

Sorry but IMO there can't be any contact between the WH and the whore (I refuse to call her the Other "Woman" because IMO she's not a woman, she's a whore. Yeah, I still have loads of hatred for her because of everything that happened before and after the affair. Read my story here somewhere if you want to know). If he is still in contact with her then there's no way for the two of you to truly work on things. You can't have a relationship with three people, it just doesn't work. Yes, be the best possible wife you can be. Take interest in his hobbies, do things that you wouldn't normally do but he likes, etc. but don't become a doormat. This isn't his time to decide which woman he wants more. I made that perfectly clear to my WH before he came back.

 

Although our situations are somewhat different they are the same in regards to the WH feeling sorry for the whore. My WH felt sorry for her as well. She was young and thought they would be together forever. Well boo freakin' hoo. I never felt sorry for her and I still don't. Someone here once told me not to beat him up over her. Be supportive of him and I have been but I won't show compassion when it comes to her or her "problems or sadness". I don't care at all. I hope she's the saddest little tramp because IMO the way she went about it she deserves every little bit of sadness and hurt.

 

Anyways, don't let him walk all over you. Yes, be a great wife but put your foot down. Being a great wife doesn't mean ignoring the fact that your WH is still contacting his whore whenever he pleases. Make him decide and be prepared for who he chooses. In the end you will be glad you did because you can't live your life with another woman constantly in the wings.

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azianpride143

There has been some great advice given your way in this thread. I feel the hardest part is when your "torn" between the way it was and the way it is right now. There are times you just wish you could just put this behind you and go back to the way it was. Unfortunately you can't. I tried so hard to show her how much I valued the marriage. But she was so long gone emotionally that I started looking like a "doormat". Do not do the same.

 

A friend once asked me if I could live with knowing my STBXW had an affair. Thinking about it made me realize I couldn't. I was told by other friends, think about the kids (13d and 3s) and try to save the marriage. The posts here are correct. He should be the one begging you to take him back. Not the other way around. Yes put your foot down. In my case, she never asked for me to take her back. She kinda did but it was half-assed and felt like she didn't mean it. Because she still wanted to remain friends with the OM and that I'm supposed to just accept it. She told me at this time she could not give up the friendship. One thing I learned from LS and reading other folks in the same situation. The behaviors and actions are the same of the spouse that's having the affair. I thought my situation was unique but it wasn't.

 

I took a long hard look at my 14 year old marriage. Was I truly happy. Then I realized I have been "giving" so much and she has been "taking" and "taking". I woke up from my fairy tale and took control of my life. I don't want to grow old with this person. I don't want this marriage to be one sided for the rest of my life. I gave her an ultimatum. Choose your path? She told me she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. So I decided for her. I decided for myself that I don't want this and I want to be happy too. So now I'm in the process of a D. We are separated and I could not have been happier. This gave me time to "lick my wounds" and really think. I then realized that I do not want to be with this person anymore.

 

I now get a chance to mold my life the way I want to. I am still a loving father to my kids. Spends a great amount of time with them. But then I don't have that pressure of being a husband to a "needy" wife. I could finally be myself and do the things I never got a chance to do when I was married. So as you can see you could be happy too even if the marriage ends.

 

It is your choice. Your life. You control your own destiny and your's alone. You cannot decide for him. He has to decide for himself. Go to therapy. Vent here in LS. Remember you are not alone.

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Cool Breeze

Honestly, if you have access to the checking account, start taking some money out each of his paychecks and start hiding it away. You are going to need this money, and while you're at it, sock as much of it away as possible. Get a divorce lawyer now. Don't tell him. Get your ducks in a row. If possible, get a private investigator to find out if he's hiding any assets. You'd be surprised how many men have private investments and accounts hidden from their wives should a divorce arise, and there are people who can find track them down, sorry, men, it's really easy to uncover, I had a girlfriend who tracked down some of her soon to be exhusband's assets and she got a lot more $$$. Check out websites on how to be ready for when your spouse asks for a divorce. You have a child, you need to protect him. Focus on getting out of this marriage with as much as you can, take this man (well, he's not a man) to the cleaners. Stop focusing on getting him back. If you've been a stay at home mom and he's been earning a lot more than you financially, you will be taken care of. After you have done all the steps I have said, tell him you are going to file for a divorce and do it. You'll be ready to sock it to him.

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