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Really possible to become friends after the affair we had?

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Old 21st May 2007, 2:04 PM   #1
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Really possible to become friends after the affair we had?

I had a short time affair about a year ago with this married man (that I had had a huge crush on for several years before I got married).

Cut the long story short..., after we became physical, he broke off our affair... because he realised how important it was for him to protect what he had (i.e. his family).

the problem is that he wants to retain a friendship between us...
over the past one year, I've been through a lot of hard times to get over him and it's only recently that I am starting to feel that I can really accept the fact that our affair was really over and his decision was the right thing to do, but I am not sure if I can really work on a frienship with him...

He keeps saying that he has no problem working on a friendship with me because he already had a closure, does not have the same feelings for me any more and he has absolutely no intention.

I initiated NC a couple of times with him last year as I thought I would not be able to focus on sorting out my marriage as long as he's in my life.
He said to me that he fully understood my situation and he's cool with my decision of not contacting him any more if it helps me. However, he also said that he would not want me to shut the door completely if possible... because there maybe a time in the future when we can probably work on a friendship between us.

He actually sounds like he really wants to work on a friendship with me, but only if I am okay with it and ready to do so...

well... right now, I maybe still far from being ready to work on a friendship with him yet as I still feel that my feelings for him have not really changed and to be honest, I cannot help but holding onto a slight hope for his feelings for me....

Sometimes I feel that he just wants to be nice with me because he probably feels guilty or responsible for what has happened to me after the affair was ended... (both my career and my marrigae are not going well at the moment and I am in a discussion with my husband about our divorce) but part of me also wants to believe that he simply cares for me. If so, I really wish if we could be friends one day... but is that really possible for someone like us to become friends after we had an affair?
I'm quite sure that he has not told his wife about the affair and she does not know anything about me either... I still don't think he is fair to his wife and he is not fair to me either...
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Old 28th May 2007, 1:37 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Guest View Post
Really possible to become friends after the affair we had?
Nope, no way, no how.
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Old 28th May 2007, 1:47 PM   #3
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he is having you hang around as a backup plan...

he's called a cake eater... only thinking about himself.

finish your marriage FIRST - if you intend to date anyone... that's
only fair and right to your husband.
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Old 28th May 2007, 8:09 PM   #4
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hi guest.

I am sorry about your predicament. I understand your situation - completely, if that is possible. I, too, have had a brief affair, and now in a limbo between being "friends" with him after the affair.

That little voice that is telling you that he's only being nice because he's sorry for what he's done to you - listen to it! That is the truth. He is not going to leave his wife for you. I've read somewhere that men decide whether a woman is suitable to be their wife in the first 15 minutes of meeting her. He's already decided that you are not "it".

Sometimes, we just have to know when to let go. We can't get everything we want - even if there are not many things that we actually want!

As for the friendship, I think it's a superficial attempt to "be nice". He will not think of you as a friend because he's already seen a side of you that "friends" normally do not see.

The only way to redeem your dignity now is to walk away - with your head high, and smiling. Bring out the best of you and be successful. When judgement day comes (ie. you meet again by chance), well, you know the rest. Play your cards right, and this affair could be the best thing that happened to you.
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Old 28th May 2007, 9:35 PM   #5
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If so, I really wish if we could be friends one day... but is that really possible for someone like us to become friends after we had an affair?

my gut feeling would be 'NO'... maybe for him it would be possible but not for you since you still have 'feelings' for him... so it would be too hard for you to just be friends... Most women are more emotional than men... that's why men can stay 'friends' but it's much harder for women...

If I were you, I would not keep this 'friendship' just so you protect yourself (I should say your heart) from him.
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Old 29th May 2007, 6:35 AM   #6
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As a now retired OM who has "been there, done that," I can safely say that "friendship"--in the usual, customary meaning of the word--is well nigh impossible. Post-affair "friendships" are often attempts by exiting affair partners to keep the "connection" as a form of emotional/relationship insurance as they attempt to piece together their broken marriages.

I've not seen my MW for 3 years or have had any communications with her for over a year. And I'm a better person for it. It's best not to linger over major life mistakes.

Move on with your life out of the shadow of your MM and the affair. Focus on fixing your marriage--if that's still possible--or moving on.

The affair is over and, here, any "friendship" will only paralyze and distract you. Friendship, as to affair partners, means never having to say "good-bye."
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