In-Love with Husband's Best Friend

[Confused94]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I’ve been married for over 13 years now. I met my Husband’s now best friend over 10 years ago. I have always considered him to be a very special friend. A few years ago, I noticed that I wanted more than just to be friends with him. He’s 10 years older than I am and is also married. He’s wife doesn’t want sex very often or won’t give him oral sex. My Husband doesn’t like to kiss and won’t give me what I want in bed, eventhough, I have told him what I want. His best friend and I started having an affair a few months ago. I think I’m in-love with him and think that he’s in-love with me too. I have a song on my cell phone that only he hears when he calls that indicates love in the lyrics. He asked if I knew what that song means. He has called me several times since and left me songs on my answering machine, cell phone, or when I answered that also had lyrics that deal with love in them. I can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t think he can stop thinking about me either. I love the way he looks at me, how he hugs me, and just how he makes me feel. I can tell there’s more there than just a fling. I’ve never been in-love with my Husband. I love him more like a friend than Husband. I look back on the last few years, and I think that I have loved him for some time now. When I hear his voice, name, or see him, my heart beats faster and my face lights up. When he calls me, he sometimes tells me that he’s glad to hear my voice, or hopes to see me soon. I can tell in his voice that he loves me. I think we both know that we love each other, but neither of us have actually said the words. I want to tell him so bad how I feel, but I’m scared. Expressing my feelings has always been hard for me. I don’t know if I should just come out and tell him or wait to see if he says it first. Any advice?????[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Lizzie60]

you are now living an extraordinary 'rush'... the best 'part' IMO. but it's hard for you to say it's not a fling or just a desperate 'need' for love and attention. I know exactly how you feel. been there with my first ex.

 

If I were you I would slow it down for a while. Do you know if this guy is ready to leave his family?

 

In your post there are lots of 'I think'.. I think I'm in love.. I think he loves me.. I think... I think...

 

I know it's easier said than done...but don't jump 'heart first' in something you might regret later. Take your time, if it's meant to be, it will happen...but right now I think you're both too much 'in lust' to think straight... just let things go slowly...

 

It's a wonderful 'feeling', it feels like a first love again... it felt the same for me (after my separation). I felt my SO, then, was like a brother, I didn't love him anymore... I felt so 'dead inside' but when I thought I was in love again (I wasn't, I found out a little while later LOL, it was lust) that incredible 'rush'... ooohhhh I know the feeling.

[whichwayisup]

Have you thought outside the box, the negative stuff that your affair with your husband bestfriend brings? His wife, your husband. Their pain, and the betrayal! Your kids, if there are children, will be deeply affected by your choice to cheat on your husband.

 

You're throwing away 13 years of history with your husband. Is it worth it?

 

The best thing you can do is either decide to fix your marriage or end it. Staying married to a man who you don't love anymore is unfair to him, and selfish of you to have your cake and eat it too. If you are so unhappy in your marriage, get a divorce!

 

You're so caught up in the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can't see what a time bomb you're sitting on. It's only a matter of time before you two are caught! Do plan on leaving your H for his bestfriend? Or do you just want to continue the affair?

[whichwayisup]

Take your time, if it's meant to be, it will happen...but right now I think you're both too much 'in lust' to think straight... just let things go slowly...

 

Lizzie, that is awful to encourage her to "go for it". First off, she needs to decide NOW if she wants to stay married to her husband or end the marriage, THEN she can go pursue someone else. To suggest she take things slowly while she's still married is crazy! I know Lizzie, you have no problem sleeping with MM, but if you are going to advise OW/OM to go ahead and cheat, that is so wrong!

 

It really sounds like two people who need to focus on their own marriages, try to make it work or end it, rather than jump into an affair and try to be happy while hurting innocent people involved.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie, that is awful to encourage her to "go for it". First off, she needs to decide NOW if she wants to stay married to her husband or end the marriage, THEN she can go pursue someone else. To suggest she take things slowly while she's still married is crazy! I know Lizzie, you have no problem sleeping with MM, but if you are going to advise OW/OM to go ahead and cheat, that is so wrong!

 

It really sounds like two people who need to focus on their own marriages, try to make it work or end it, rather than jump into an affair and try to be happy while hurting innocent people involved.

 

I think you need to re-read my post. That was my advice.

[whichwayisup]

How you worded your post

but right now I think you're both too much 'in lust' to think straight... just let things go slowly...

The last line is the kicker, and I read that encouragement. Sorry Lizzie, I was misread it as now I know that's not what you meant.

[hardcase]

Lizzie, that is awful to encourage her to "go for it". .

 

 

Well now you know Lizzie.

[hardcase]

How you worded your post The last line is the kicker, and I read that encouragement. Sorry Lizzie, I was misread it as now I know that's not what you meant.

 

No...you didn't read it wrong..she is telling this "woman" to go slowly with her affair....not telling her to end it...but to take it easy.

 

This "woman" needs to set her poor husband free instead of cheating on him. Not take it slowly.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm trying to think of a more devasting double-whammy than "Honey, I've been cheating on you and....the man I've been cheating with is your best friend". What has your Husband done for you to want to hurt him so badly?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm trying to think of a more devasting double-whammy than "Honey, I've been cheating on you and....the man I've been cheating with is your best friend". What has your Husband done to you for you to want to hurt him so badly?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Island Girl]

No...you didn't read it wrong..she is telling this "woman" to go slowly with her affair....not telling her to end it...but to take it easy.

 

EXACTLY.

 

WWIU -- you had it right in the beginning.

 

Lizzie - "go slowly" means still continue the affair.

 

This "woman" needs to set her poor husband free instead of cheating on him. Not take it slowly.

 

OP - you said you've never been in love with your husband.

 

Then why did you marry him?!

 

If you care about this man AT ALL then please consider Mr. Lucky's words:

I'm trying to think of a more devasting double-whammy than "Honey, I've been cheating on you and....the man I've been cheating with is your best friend".

 

What has your Husband done for you to want to hurt him so badly?

 

Really, what has your husband done to you that warrants this kind of betrayal?

[Trialbyfire]

If you can, step back and forget all those honeymoon feelings right now. You need to separate your cheating from your marriage.

 

Look at yourself and look deeply into your marriage. Is it repairable? If not, walk away right now, this second and allow your husband the equitable opportunity to find someone who will make him happy.

 

You owe your husband and your marriage a fair shake before bridging off to of all people, his best friend. I'm not certain how you could ever justify your actions to yourself. I know I couldn't.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Right now this woman needs to tell her husband the truth, this is gonna end in sadness and dispair. Does she honeslty believe that this man is gonna leave his wife for her?

 

90% of all MM who cheat on their wives are doing it just for the sex!!!!

 

You are nothing more than a piece of *ss!!!

 

That's the truth. Why dont you think clearly about what your doing and the unforgivable damage you and him are doing to both families. I wonder is your love gonna be worth all your childrens hate and resentment.

 

I wonder what happens when everyone finds out? Will you leave your husband when MM goes back to his wife? When she's taking him for child support and your gonna have to support him when he's down. Are you gonna stick around. Let's look at this realistically. You've not fallen in love with the BF, you've only seen the ideal of him, not the crust. You dont have to watch the kids, clean the house, make the food.

 

Just think if the courts decide to give your husband physical custody of the house and your forced to leave. Then what, Back to your moms? Huh, the OM gonna take care of you? He's old and has to pay alimony to his soon to be x, and child support. and both extended families will spit on you for the rest of your days.

 

For what's it's worth, You haven even seen what's gonna happen, what it hits the fan, but mark my words, You will and then your gonna regret everything.

 

Loss of respect, Loss of your husband, loss of your family, loss of kids respect, loss of your home, loss of your ethics.

 

Re-connect with your husband and end this affair, You owe him!!! You owe your family!!! stop being selfish!!!

 

And to OP what the hell are you telling her to take it slow for? do you know how many people get killed over this? What the hell is you smoking??!! There is no justifying an affair!?!!

 

WTF????

[Woggle]

You are not in love with his best friend because any man that would do that to your husband is no friend. His friend should be ashamed of himself for stabbing your husband in the back. I hope your husband finds out and leaves you because he can do a whole lot better.

[Letizia]

Dear Confused94,

I really know how you feel and I really Know how difficult it is to think straight or to decide what is best for everyone. I've been - I am - in a similiar situation, but the other man is already separated from his wife and we didn't exaclty start the affair.

 

What I thought I wanted was just escape from my situation with my H because I was not happy and I felt just affectionate to him as to a friend. But then I realized that if I really cared a little for the man I've spent almost 10 years with, I owed it to him to at least have the gut to explain myself. It seems easy but I got there after talking to friends and going to counseling and most of all because the OM supported this (more he made me do it in the first place).

There is going to be a lot of pain and suffering, but in the long term it will be better for everybody involved, first of all for the new relationship that could start for you. If you both feel that you are in love, then you can find the courage to cope with the situation as adults.

If you can't, then probably is not love, but as Lizzie said it's lust. At this point, you can choose to enjoy it if you want, or stop the affair.

I hope this helps you.

[4whatItsWorth]

I agree when Lizzie said it's not love - it's more likely lust. You love the attention - is it because your husband did not give you enough of that "lovey-dovey" feelings? In marriage, obviously feelings will have peaks and lows - doesn't mean you should go astray as soon as things don't go "OMG".

 

You must have loved your husband at some point if you married him or even dated him! And if the sex was always so crap - why did you marry him in the first place? I agree it is sad to see you are willing to throw 15 years away - and agree that is NOT your husbands "friend".

 

I don't think his friend respects you at all. He probably even feels pity for your husband that he has a wife who goes astray instead of working on the problems or simply tell the truth and get a divorce.

 

You need to decide whether or not to walk away or work on your marriage. Your husband deserves to be with someone who loves him.

 

Honestly, it's your own fault for marrying a man you did not love and who didn't like to kiss - you knew that from the start.

[Reckless]

What has your Husband done to you for you to want to hurt him so badly?

Mr. Lucky

 

Very good question. From what I see he has not kissed you enough or pleased you in bed.

 

You say that he is like a friend. You might like to read the posts from men in your husbands situation here at the Shack to appreciate the pain the YEARS of self doubt and agony that this will cause. I wouldn't do such a thing to my worst enemy yet alone a friend.

 

 

Lizzie is absolutely right you are in lust. You are mad in lust and cannot think straight because from the informaton you've given there is no indication that this MM even likes you yet alone loves you and you seem to have built this teenage fantasy of a great passion built on a few texts and some romantic songs.

 

I wouldn't advise you however to "take it slow" i would advise you to act like an adult and WAKE UP before it all blows up in your face and your life goes further down the toilet.

 

Just do a search here type in "my wife had an affair" or "my MM won't leave his wife" maybe these posts will give you the KICK you need to fall out of lust into some semblace of sanity....

 

R

[LucreziaBorgia]

If your love is so wonderful, why are you hiding it like a couple of cockroaches under the fridge? Why not sit your spouses down, tell them that you love each other and that you both want divorces? That way you will free up your spouses, so that they won't be doomed to spend the rest of their lives with the sort of people who lie, cheat and think with their genitals.

 

Of course, you can always continue the affair. Eventually you'll get caught though. I expect you will want to consider what you plan to do with your life when that happens. I expect your husband will throw you out (he won't be as likely to forgive considering the poor choice of affair partners), and the great love of your life will stay married after throwing you under the bus so hard your teeth rattle.

[movinon05]

I soooooooo hesitate doing this, bringing my story back up again but if there's anyway it will stop you or open your eyes, then its worth it. I too was in the same situation, although they were not "best" friends. He too, told me first in a song that he loved me. When I realized I was in love with him, I cried hysterically, and felt horrible. All it did was put me on a runaway train. And we hurt many many people, including our children. We left devastation in our wake.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86518/

 

Please don't do this! Please stop and think about everything that is going to happen if you pursue this. You have more things to think about, than whether you actually love him or not.

[Woggle]

It's stuff like that gives me such a low opinion of women. I also am looking at the women's infiledlity board and it amazes me how so many of these women see nothing wrong at all with doing this. I don't understand why more men don't feel the way I do. How can any man who looks at the world around him with open eyes not be a misogynist?

[Lizzie60]

It's stuff like that gives me such a low opinion of women. I also am looking at the women's infiledlity board and it amazes me how so many of these women see nothing wrong at all with doing this. I don't understand why more men don't feel the way I do. How can any man who looks at the world around him with open eyes not be a misogynist?

 

There are still way more male cheaters than female cheaters...

[Ladyjane14]

I don't understand why more men don't feel the way I do. How can any man who looks at the world around him with open eyes not be a misogynist?

 

Oh... you're not the only misogynist in the world, Wog. You're not even the only one on this board. You're just the only one who's willing to carry his own baggage and ADMIT to it.

 

But just like so many other issues... it works both ways. I see posts from women whose husbands are slinking around behind their backs, and sometimes I have to remind myself not to paint all men with the same brush.

[Lizzie60]

...that on the 'women's infidelity boards' there are not too many men who post on those... in fact MOST men who cheat don't post on public forums... LOL

[hardcase]

There are still way more male cheaters than female cheaters...

 

Only because there are women like you who are more than happy to oblige them in being cheaters.

[hardcase]

Very good question. From what I see he has not kissed you enough or pleased you in bed.

 

Well I don't buy her story of how things are in that regard.

 

She said she tells him all the time what she wants him to do in bed and he won't do it....what...does she smell or something?..not take a bath?

 

Unless he is just a bastard that doesn't want to do anything for her, I don't buy it.

 

As a man, and I think I can speak for all men(if not...please let me know)...if my wife(pre-cheating anyway) said she wanted me to do such and such to her in bed....I'd be all over it.....and why wouldn't I?

 

If she said to bury your face all the way up in there...I'd be turning blue and gasping for air trying!

 

So I don't buy it that he refuses to do what she wants...unless like I said...either he is physically unable, he is a downright bastard, or she smells.

 

But she already said he is a good man...so we can cross off the bastard part.