Do I really want to leave my husband?

[Letizia]

I don't know if my situation fit exactly with infidelity, but my husband and I are sure going through the same stuff that I've been reading on this forum. I hope some of you can help me read into my heart.

 

Here is the case: we are both 34, we've been married for 5.5 years (together 8), no kids, and we have been faithful and "happy". During the last couple of years we were not actually that happy, but we didn't notice, due to habits, routines, and the fact that we were able to pursue our respective interests and hobbies.

But in the last couple of months I developed a friendship with a coworkers, we have interests in common and we have spent time together. I don't even know how it happened, but we found ourselves very attracted to one another (I almost lost my mind, thinking about him day and night,and experiencing a teenager-like crush). We hugged in a very sweet way (and very very exciting) and we kissed twice, but both of us didn't want to go further out of respect of me being married, even thought our desires were otherwise. He is separated from his wife, who left him in a very bad way, and he does not want to do live the same situation from the other perspective.

Also, he has been very honest with me telling that my relationship with my husband is important, I should at least try to make it work, and that he likes me and is very attracted to me but cannot tell exactly what these feelings are (he barely recovered from his story), and that I should not let my feelings for him destroy so easily a 5 year marriage.

We decided to be just friends.

 

Of course, rationally I agree with him. I talked with my husband and we are about to start counseling to cope with the problems in our relationship.

But I'm really not sure what I really feel. I don't know what the problems could be if not the fact that I don't love my husband anymore, even though I'm very affectionate to him. From my husband perspective, besides this "affair", the problem is that we didn't have enough sex (barely once a month), because it's true I never felt like it. I thought I was just a cold person, but when my friend is around I'm always turned on, only thinking about him makes me feel like having sex with him. And my husband says this is the way he feels about me. Don't misunderstand, I really really care about my friend, and that is the other reason we didn't actually had sex, we didn't want to add that between us.

 

So, I'm really confused about all these feelings, I'm trying to do the right thing for everybody involved. But what is right????

[Guest]

I think you are doing the right thing by not becoming physical with your co-worker and going to counseling with your husband. Try to figure out what went wrong, if it can be fixed, how it can be fixed, and if you want to even fix it. If you decide to dissolve your marriage, only then go see if you and your friend have what it takes.

 

I hate to admit it, but your story sounded a lot like mine, except I did cross the line with my co-worker, and am currently involved in an extra-marital affair. I am very confused and I wish I had tried to fix my marriage before becoming involved with my friend, as he and I are so compatible. He is so much more of what I want in a partner, and if we were both single, it would be a no-brainer. However, I have been with my husband 12 years, and we recently survived losing a baby after only 5 months, so I am not able to just walk away, nor think straight.

 

Anyway, back to you: please try to remain platonic with your co-worker until you resolve your issues with your husband. Trust me, an affair just muddies the water, and you will suffer agonizing guilt. Guilt for what you are doing to your husband, and guilt for wanting to be with your lover. Hope I have helped.

[harleygirl92156]

First, and most important, YOU MUST END "ALL" CONTACT WITH YOUR "FRIEND".

Marriage just doesn't work when there are three people involved, so if you want the marriage, work on the marriage and get the friend out of the mix.

You can have your cake and eat it to ...... for a little while, but eventually it will catch up with you.

You mad a committment, a vow, to your husband, be a stand up person and honor that. Your husband deserves nothing less and neither do you. Marriage is not something to be played with, it shouldn't be something you just throw away when something YOU THINK might be better comes alone. You will never have the "turned on" feelings with your husband when you are focusing that energy elsewhere.

Get mature, get focused, get moral, you know what you are doing is wrong so I for one can't give you the green light you seem to be looking for on here.

[jmargel]

Counseling won't help while a third person is in the relationship. At your first session I hope you are honest with yourself, your husband and the counselor and tell them about this other guy. Otherwise you are just wasting everyone's time.

[JustBreathe]

Hmmm.. Maybe you don't love your husband anymore. Who knows. Only you can answer that one. But dragging a third party into the whole scene is only going to confuse you more and make a bigger mess.

 

If you must leave your husband, do so in an honest respectful manner. Leave him some pride and dignity. Doesn't he deserve that much for having once loved you?

 

Do you honestly want to be involved with a man who would seduce another man's wife? Think about what you're doing. Get a divorce first. All seperated men say their wives are the problem. All separated women say their husbands are the problem. It is the nature of separation. Don't buy into the devil wife routine too soon.

[Trialbyfire]

Stop being friends. He's no friend of yours if he's fixated on you as a rebound relationship. Walk away and focus on your marriage. If and when you've put your 100% back into the marriage and it's still not going to work, then look to other arrangements such as severing your marriage through divorce. Until you've honestly tried again, your marriage is not disposable.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

What you're going through sounds just like what my wife went through except you still sound as though you genuinely care about your husband's feelings.

 

What is right??? you ask. Well I can say now that karma has come around and bit me in the ass. I was always the leaver--never the left--and this time I was left with a vengeance (kind of sounds like some bad Hollywood blockbuster). I can see it clearly from your husband's perspective and let me tell you the pain is ungodly excruciating, so much so, that part of you might never truly recover.

 

Whatever you decide to do, don't forget that you once loved your husband and at the very least respect that. In other words, what everyone else is saying is the way to go. If you decide to try and reconnect with your husband you have to break ALL contact with this other guy that means no email, phone calls, talking with him, nothing ever again! Otherwise do the right thing and break it off with your husband cleanly not involving this other guy in any way as an excuse, just divorce your husband b/c you genuinely want to leave him not because you want to leave him for someone else. Remember your husband deserves to be happy with someone who'll return his love, so let him go and don't hurt him any longer.

[Phaedrus]

What is right? That really depends on the context of the question. Right by who or what? right by you, your friend, your husband? Unfortunately, if you let things continue there wont be a 'right thing by everyone' option available anymore. Someone will get hurt, yourself included.

 

You have to choose and you have to choose completely without looking back. You wont find your answer on these forums. You'll get opinions, you'll get advice (good advice for the most part) yes. Ultimately its only you that knows really.

 

If you loved your husband in the past and you forget this other guy then you can most likely get that back. You both need to commit to this for it to work. You cant keep little embers burning for the other guy in the event that if your marriage fails in the near future you can fire it up again. It wont work - trust me. All you will do is drag this thing out for as long as circumstances will let it.

 

If you think this other guy is the real thing. If you think your life will be better and more fullfilled then leave your husband and let him go. Its your life. You get just the one. Its not like there is the resposibility of kids involved. Just be carefull though. These euphoric feelings of romance and newness do not last. If you really look back hard you'll realise you had them with your husband. They may develop into proper love or they may not. Theres no way of knowing.

 

So now your left with a choice between what you have (or had and could get back) with your husband, against what 'might be' with this other guy. Dot get me wrong, if you really dont love your husband then even if it turns sour with this new guy and you have a year of fun and it ends, whats the loss. You'll meet another guy soon enough. But.. if you really DO love your husband, and this is just a chrush, then you could be throwing away alot more.

 

Best advice? If you really cant decide then there cant be that much to choose between. Stick to what you know. Otherwise make your choise one way or the other.

[Letizia]

Thanks for your comments.

I actually went through two counseling sessions and it all seems more complicated now. I really care about my husband, but I'm not sure I love him anymore. I've been suppressing a lot of bad feelings (such as anger) lately that now I'm not able anymore to read sincerely into my own heart. And I know my h is suffering, but I'm suffering too. At least I was not a lying cheater. But you know, he said that he would have preferred that, so he could have hated me more easily...

And the other guy...he's not the real reason of all this, he's just what made us wake up!

 

I don't believe in salvaging a marriage just for the sake of it. If we are together, it has to be because both of us really feel happy with it, not because two names are written on a piece of paper.

Does anybody agree on this???

[get.mos]

Letizia:

 

i'm sorry to hear of your woes. i doubt i can share any great insight, except from a different perspective.

 

i've visited this board off and on ever since i joined, but i haven't posted, because i'm not sure i've had the energy to do so. sometimes i start to post, but then i just delete it, thinking, eh, somebody else will write something worthy.

 

i understand your frustration and have to say i'm right there w/ya. i've been trying to figure out whether i can make my relationship work. like you, i'm in my mid 30s and have been w/my parter for almost 10 years (almost 7 married). last year, my partner, from his perspective, had a nervous breakdown and decided to travel half way around the world w/a co-worker. to this day, i don't know what really happened, nor do i expect to, but my gut tells me that they were more than just platonic.

 

it's been more than one year, and i'm still angry. i still cry when i think @ it. and, for the most part, i try my hardest not to. i don't know whether or not we can make it, but the pain, the hurt that i still have weakens me.

 

you're definitely not in a good situation; i even applaud your strength in sharing your story. as i type this, i have to stop because i get tired. to be blunt, you sound like, while you love your hubby, you may not be in love. that's a tough situation. the other guy sounds like he wants to give you space; that's also honorable. you need to ask yourself, "how did i get here? how did i fall out of love?" and i mean, think about the little things. not to get too specific (but i'm going to anyway): "does he not satisfy me in bed, and that's why i'm not so interested in sex with him?"

 

that's all i can write for now. sorry to end so abruptly.

[Letizia]

Thank you get.mos for sharing your feelings with me. I think you got my point. It's hard to really listen to advice when your are confused and empty as I feel and probably as you feel too. So I'm not giving you any advice. I'm right with you. I can tell you this: a couple of counseling sessions helped me look into myself and see the path to the answers I'm seeking (not yet the answer itself... it's not that easy)