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Affair made me unattracted to my husband


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I had an affair ... I didn't seek it out or try to have it ... just sort of happened. We were together a few times and then he moved away and it ended.

 

Me and OM feel the same about each other as we are both attracted and lustful to one another... but we are both in committed relationships and only meant to have a little fun. OM is so amazing in bed that it is even that much more difficult for me to be turned on by my H. OM has made me orgasm more times in 2 months then I have in 9 years!

 

Now I have a problem. It seems when I am in bed with my H everything he does turns me off. I can't get aroused and I don't feel attracted to him anymore. The sex styles are so different. I feel like the initial lust of a new person was most of it with the OM but how do I overcome this?!

 

I am wondering if having someone I felt attracted to and passionate with after all that time made me realize I was in a relationship that was no longer fufilling my sexual needs. Any ideas for me on how to save my sex life after having the best?

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Salicious Crumb

I tell you what...tell your husband you have a lover and that he is much better than him. See what his reaction is.

 

Seriously...the sex is good because it is new to you.

 

But the fact that you said you only wanted to have a little fun tells me you are not fit to be married and your husband deserves better.

 

Maybe you ought to divorce him and pursue your sex.

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Have one quick question. Tryxy what if your hubby came home and told you what you have just told us? Would you get just a little upset? Tyxy, affairs just don't happen. they are planned by one party and ACCEPTED by the other. So if you didn't pursue this man, you obviously didn't deter him. So now you face a situation where your hubby doesn't do it for you anymore? That was called NOVELTY that you had with the OM and if you where with him in a few years the same thing would happen. Your relationship had came across a roadbloack and instead of discussing it with your LIFE PARTNER you decided to let someone in the marriage bed that didn't belong. I'm with Crumb on this one, divorce your hubby so he can find someone that will honor the vows that he will take before God and free you for the satisfaction you crave. If you are going to think of yourself in this manner, don't get hooked up with someone that believes that you have their best interests at heart. You have sacrificed his happiness JUST for the fact that you wanted a little fun. If the same was done to you, I bet you would be crushed!!!

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but we are both in committed relationships and only meant to have a little fun.

What part of the word commitment is so difficult to understand? If you're in a committed relationship:

 

Fun = enjoying time with your friends and family or skydiving, whatever is your preference.

 

Right now you're experiencing the repercussions of your actions. I'm having some serious difficulties sympathizing in any way unless you intend to fess up to your spouse or you have some form of a swingers definition of marriage.

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LakesideDream
This persons NOT gonna come back, or read these posts, it's another one of THOSE types..........

 

 

Sup, GOOD! I wasn't going to bother to respond to another person who's only regrets about cheating on their spouse was that it ruined their sex life.

 

Funny how that happens. When I found out that my now ex was having an affiar, it was like a filter was taken off the lens. She went from being a sexy gal that I lusted after daily, to just another mid forties house frau. Frizzy hair, curves where none were needed, and bad teeth. Goes to show you, affairs are the gift that keeps on giving.

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I had an affair ... I didn't seek it out or try to have it ... just sort of happened. We were together a few times and then he moved away and it ended.

 

Me and OM feel the same about each other as we are both attracted and lustful to one another... but we are both in committed relationships and only meant to have a little fun. OM is so amazing in bed that it is even that much more difficult for me to be turned on by my H. OM has made me orgasm more times in 2 months then I have in 9 years!

 

Now I have a problem. It seems when I am in bed with my H everything he does turns me off. I can't get aroused and I don't feel attracted to him anymore. The sex styles are so different. I feel like the initial lust of a new person was most of it with the OM but how do I overcome this?!

 

I am wondering if having someone I felt attracted to and passionate with after all that time made me realize I was in a relationship that was no longer fufilling my sexual needs. Any ideas for me on how to save my sex life after having the best?

 

I have a feeling the troll came out from under it's bridge again. However if that's not the case then you really need to tell your husband on what's going on. I can't believe how selfish you are, not only to cheat but then to come on here crying that this OM is better in bed and you can't see him anymore.

 

Your immaturity really shines here, and I hope that your husband actually finds a woman that can love him for who he is. I'm just glad that not every woman acts like you.

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I had an affair ... I didn't seek it out or try to have it ... just sort of happened. We were together a few times and then he moved away and it ended.

 

Me and OM feel the same about each other as we are both attracted and lustful to one another... but we are both in committed relationships and only meant to have a little fun. OM is so amazing in bed that it is even that much more difficult for me to be turned on by my H. OM has made me orgasm more times in 2 months then I have in 9 years!

 

Now I have a problem. It seems when I am in bed with my H everything he does turns me off. I can't get aroused and I don't feel attracted to him anymore. The sex styles are so different. I feel like the initial lust of a new person was most of it with the OM but how do I overcome this?!

 

1. Did you fake orgasms with your husband? If so, you can't expect any improvement in his technique, and 9 years with few orgasms should be no surprise.

 

2. Did you give him any hint at all that something was wrong with your sex life? People don't read minds. If they did, you wouldn't have gotten away with your affair.

 

3. Tell him everything you just told us. You might get lucky and have a husband who wants to stay with you and improve your sex life now that he finally knows something's lacking. You'll probably end up divorced, though, which means you can find sexual fulfillment elsewhere, and he can improve his own lovemaking with his next girlfriend. Don't take the kids away from him if you have any... that would be even lower than what you've already done.

 

I am wondering if having someone I felt attracted to and passionate with after all that time made me realize I was in a relationship that was no longer fufilling my sexual needs. Any ideas for me on how to save my sex life after having the best?

 

No, but I know that keeping him in the dark is a good way not to save your sex life.

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I tell you what - why don't you leave your husband and that way you won't have to worry about making love to him anymore. You can just wait on the sidelines for your MM to find time to have sex with you. Since he has already made you orgasm more in 2 mos. than you H did in 9 years, you're already a head of the game. This way your H can go out and find the "sex goddess" he so deserves as you can bet if it's boring for you, he's twice as bored in bed than you are.

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Sup, GOOD! I wasn't going to bother to respond to another person who's only regrets about cheating on their spouse was that it ruined their sex life.

 

Funny how that happens. When I found out that my now ex was having an affiar, it was like a filter was taken off the lens. She went from being a sexy gal that I lusted after daily, to just another mid forties house frau. Frizzy hair, curves where none were needed, and bad teeth. Goes to show you, affairs are the gift that keeps on giving.

 

 

SCARY HUH?:eek::sick:

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Wow! All of you who post are holy than thou huh? I thought this was a web site for support and advise.

 

I am not sure if any of you have ever been caught by suprise and then once you figured out what was going on you were not the same person you thought you were and you had done something that you had never thought you would ever do. I am sure you think we are all aweful people and sluts or whores whatever. I just can't believe you all have never made a mistake before.

 

I feel for your pain. Like me, I am sure you love you husband and I am not sure if you have kids or not. Our sex life was never great but it was okay. You know I watched movies where people where just drawn to people and they kissed like I can not even describe in words. I thought this was all make believe and was always like "yeah right, maybe in Happily Ever After Land" Then one night a friend of mine gently touched my hand. We talked forever about how the feeling I felt when he did that was something I had never felt. It has only happened a few times but even just being in the same room as him there is a "SPARK".

 

The movie type love or lust whatever you want to call it that I never believed was real.

 

I do love my husband, very much but these feeling that I finally felt I am trying to wrap my head around. Anyone who believes that us women who have had an affair are only in it for the sex obviously can not imagine where we are coming from and making us feel like we are burning in hell and would probably burn us at the stake if they could, for trying to keep our families together are ignorant.

 

We are looking for support, advise and friendship in a time when we feel the most alone.

 

Hang in there! I am interested too to hear what others in our situation have to say I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and you are not as horrible as everyone on the web site seem to say.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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thank you "guest" for pointing this very natural thing out to these people. I am not whoever you all think I am and was seriously trying to get any advice as I don't want to destroy my relationship over having good sex and feelings with someone. I personally believe people can love more then one person at a time .

 

 

I thought this was a place for advice and perhaps my post wasn't worded very well. And what I did was not praisable.

 

Just so you know I did come back to see what everyone said... but it looks like I won't be bothering with this community anymore.

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whichwayisup

Then tell your husband the truth. Let him decide if he wants to stay married to you and have an open marriage. Maybe he would want to have sex with another woman and stay married to you.

 

If you are unhappy and not attracted to your husband because he doesn't compare to your OM, then make a choice! End the marriage, or go to counselling and fix it.

 

What you're doing now is really unfair and selfish.

 

Not sure what answers you were expecting, but cheating hurts innocent people...If you can't deal with that reality, or deal with words from strangers on an advice board, then I haven't a clue how you're going to deal with the consquences of your actions IF your husband finds out you cheated on him.

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Oper Edei Deixai
This persons NOT gonna come back, or read these posts, it's another one of THOSE types..........

 

I'm new to this forum, but not new to forums in general. I've spent a good long while lurking here and checking out what you're all about - this is my first post.

 

I can't possibly imagine why some one would post a topic and then not return to respond, comment, or expound upon what has been discussed re: their initial post, especially since it seems like every post someone makes in the infidelity forum that is on the "bad" side of infidelity is attacked with venom, vitriol, and projected rage. Is the goal here to chase off anyone not seeking the kind of advice you're not willing or able to provide? What's the motive? To make the O.P. feel even crappier about his/herself?

 

I'm going to try something a little different and actually offer some nonjudgmental advice.

 

Tryxy: I think now that the A is over and you are not considering actively seeking out another one, you ought to sit down with your H and have a heart to heart with him and tell him that his bedroom technique is not doing it for you anymore. Tell him you'd like to try out some "moves you found online" and show him what the OM was doing that got your motor revving. Maybe you could try some role-playing and let him "pick you up" in a bar as though you were a stranger or an old flame. Pretend that he is forbidden and see where that takes you.

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michelangelo

is it venom to tell her to consider that there is a greater thing to solve than her posted wonderings?

 

That possibly she should consider the impact of what she did has on her husband? His health, his future with her?

 

So she found sex with someone else exciting and she has no passion for her husband.

 

I don't think there is anything to say to her that would be useful to her marriage other than to tell her to fess up to her husband and let him decide his own fate.

 

After that is done she can look into getting her jollies, how to, with whom, etc.

 

It doesn't seem venomous to me to remind her of her marriage vows or obligations to her spouse to be faithful and to not risk his health by cheating.

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Welcome to the kind, caring world of LS. Friendly place, isn't it.

 

As to how to reignite the marital embers, I recommend reconnecting with your husband, and only your husband. Cease any and all contact with your OM. That relationship is dead, over, finished, kaput.

 

Try to save the one you still have. To spark it use porn, sex toys, etc., anything that will add a little zing to the marriage bed.

 

Time, and no more affairs, give you a better than even chance of regaining that lost magic.

 

Good luck.

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Oper Edei Deixai
is it venom to tell her to consider that there is a greater thing to solve than her posted wonderings?

 

That possibly she should consider the impact of what she did has on her husband? His health, his future with her?

 

So she found sex with someone else exciting and she has no passion for her husband.

 

I don't think there is anything to say to her that would be useful to her marriage other than to tell her to fess up to her husband and let him decide his own fate.

 

After that is done she can look into getting her jollies, how to, with whom, etc.

 

It doesn't seem venomous to me to remind her of her marriage vows or obligations to her spouse to be faithful and to not risk his health by cheating.

 

So you don't see the venom, huh? Did read the same thread I did, or are you just so accustomed to the tone here that you see through it now? Let me recap:

 

1st response:

 

But the fact that you said you only wanted to have a little fun tells me you are not fit to be married and your husband deserves better.

 

2nd response:

 

I'm with Crumb on this one, divorce your hubby so he can find someone that will honor the vows that he will take before God and free you for the satisfaction you crave.

 

3rd response:

 

What part of the word commitment is so difficult to understand?

 

6th response:

 

I can't believe how selfish you are

 

8th response:

 

I tell you what - why don't you leave your husband and that way you won't have to worry about making love to him anymore.

 

Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Anger, mean-spirited sarcasm, condescension, and self-righteous tut-tutting. Maybe I misinterpreted the function of these boards. I've got some issues to work through and I thought this was going to be a good place to air them and get some constructive input. Maybe I was premature in that assumption?

 

 

Salicious Crumb seems particularly nasty. I've seen a bunch of his posts and they're mostly judgmental tripe. I understand that he's been hurt really bad, but that pain will not be alleviated by transferring the hurt to others. It's sad, and apparently, contagious.

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whichwayisup

Uhhh, that's called TOUGH LOVE, HARSH ADVICE. Judgemental, sure. Cruel and a reality check? Yes, maybe that too, but it is not personal.

 

Imagine how HER HUSBAND will feel about "her cheating." You think that he'll be jumping up and down for joy, congratulating her for screwing another man, having hot sex, then coming home and finding that his wife doesn't desire him anymore?? Trust me, what we say here on the boards is NOTHING compared to what she'll be dealing with if and when her husband finds out she's cheated on him. The hurt, the pain, the anger, the betrayal he'll feel...All because of her "desire" to have sex with a man who really turns her on.

 

You think that if she walked into a bar, announced what she was doing to perfect strangers, they would clap and buy her a beer? Pat her on the back and say GOOD JOB LADY! Nope, I think many, probably most would be thinking she was selfish, and feeling bad for her husband.

 

Sometimes the truth hurts, and harsh tough love advice is the stuff that sinks in and MAKES someone DO and react, so they will change in a positive way. Holding someone's hand and coddling them, or enabling them, isn't going to help her, except make her feel justified for what she's doing.

 

Take it or leave it.

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Uhhh, that's called TOUGH LOVE, HARSH ADVICE. Judgemental, sure. Cruel and a reality check? Yes, maybe that too, but it is not personal.

 

Imagine how HER HUSBAND will feel about "her cheating." You think that he'll be jumping up and down for joy, congratulating her for screwing another man, having hot sex, then coming home and finding that his wife doesn't desire him anymore?? Trust me, what we say here on the boards is NOTHING compared to what she'll be dealing with if and when her husband finds out she's cheated on him. The hurt, the pain, the anger, the betrayal he'll feel...All because of her "desire" to have sex with a man who really turns her on.

 

You think that if she walked into a bar, announced what she was doing to perfect strangers, they would clap and buy her a beer? Pat her on the back and say GOOD JOB LADY! Nope, I think many, probably most would be thinking she was selfish, and feeling bad for her husband.

 

Sometimes the truth hurts, and harsh tough love advice is the stuff that sinks in and MAKES someone DO and react, so they will change in a positive way. Holding someone's hand and coddling them, or enabling them, isn't going to help her, except make her feel justified for what she's doing.

 

Take it or leave it.

 

Thank you, you know what? Some people just don't get it. Crumb and I are from another board that makes these posts look tame!! THERE they get personal and to be honest I don't blame them. I'm not sure what that post means to be honest, is he implying that he may have cheated in the past and is looking for someone to comiserate with him? He must know that he will have a hard time finding that. Question, how many jilted spouses would post something like that? The only person that I could surmise who would post anything close to that on a thread like this would be a cheater. I could be wrong, that is what it seems like to me.

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So you don't see the venom, huh? Did read the same thread I did, or are you just so accustomed to the tone here that you see through it now?

 

Take another look, OED. ;)

If you do, you'll notice that the original poster never responded to any comment or advice on her initial question. You'll also notice that she completely ignored a really good post by Crazy Eddie, post #8, who asked questions and provided helpful suggestions for the most part. Instead... she responded to a sympathy post from a guest on #11.

 

Sometimes folks come here looking for validation more than anything else.

 

In this poster's situation, I doubt her sex life will improve unless she's able to rebuild emotional intimacy with her husband. The first step to that would be in empathizing with him, understanding his needs and addressing them. It works GREAT when it goes both ways.

 

She hasn't even told him what's going on yet, right? How is he supposed to address her needs when he doesn't know anything is amiss? :confused:

 

What she did was more than just hurtful. In my book, when you expose a monogamous mate to secondary sexual contact WITHOUT HIS EXPRESS CONSENT... you may as well have raped him. He didn't authorize the medical risks. He didn't say it was okay to bet his life on the strength of a condom... that is, if one was even used. :eek:

 

This poster won't find empathy for her mate until she understands that her transgression was SERIOUS. And as long as she's fishing for validation... she's still 'out to lunch'.

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"Have questions or concerns about your significant other, coworkers, family, or just relationships in general? Not sure who to turn to? Enter now and let our caring, close-knit community help you find the answers for yourself!"

 

Tough love? I don't think so. No one was enabling or coddling this poster. The affair is over. She was merely seeking advice on how to reconnect with her husband post-affair. Instead, she was lynched.

 

Did this "caring, close-knit community" offer any advice? Hell no. All this poster received was SELF-RIGHTEOUS condemnation for having the affair. Hatred, spite and rhetorical over-kill (rape?) was all the helpful "advice" she received from this "caring close-knit community." It was a virtual burning at the stake.

 

A sad day for everyone.

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michelangelo
"Have questions or concerns about your significant other, coworkers, family, or just relationships in general? Not sure who to turn to? Enter now and let our caring, close-knit community help you find the answers for yourself!"

 

Tough love? I don't think so. No one was enabling or coddling this poster. The affair is over. She was merely seeking advice on how to reconnect with her husband post-affair. Instead, she was lynched.

 

Did this "caring, close-knit community" offer any advice? Hell no. All this poster received was SELF-RIGHTEOUS condemnation for having the affair. Hatred, spite and rhetorical over-kill (rape?) was all the helpful "advice" she received from this "caring close-knit community." It was a virtual burning at the stake.

 

A sad day for everyone.

 

Just because someone frames their plight a certain way does not mean that those that respond can only comment in a narrow slice, especially when a lot of responders know from hard experience that there is a more pressing set of issues she needs to fix before consideration of $sexual satisfaction with her husband.

 

What? Were folks supposed to just suggest a different position in bed or the perfect weekend getaway as a fix for her marital woes?

 

I think most of the posters you disapprove of were trying to get her to not think selfishly in her quest for an answer. The very real risks to the health of her husband that he still does not know about alone should be enough to snap her to attention. Let alone that risk to herself. Difference is she knows of that risk, he does not.

 

I would not characterize what I wrote as venomous (quoted below) I would call it a blunt assessment. I wish the OP would return and take to heart the comments folks have made here.

 

Support is not always about handpatting.

 

is it venom to tell her to consider that there is a greater thing to solve than her posted wonderings?

 

That possibly she should consider the impact of what she did has on her husband? His health, his future with her?

 

So she found sex with someone else exciting and she has no passion for her husband.

 

I don't think there is anything to say to her that would be useful to her marriage other than to tell her to fess up to her husband and let him decide his own fate.

 

After that is done she can look into getting her jollies, how to, with whom, etc.

 

It doesn't seem venomous to me to remind her of her marriage vows or obligations to her spouse to be faithful and to not risk his health by cheating.

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Even on the other board that I was on this sort of thing cropped up from time to time, the whole 'hey lay off 'em, at least they where honest!!' Should I have been a little nicer, maybe, but in my eyes no damn way. Sugaree, Dex, I have no idea what your backgrounds are but some of the people here have been cheated on, or have witnessed the effects of cheating by someone they loved and held in high esteem. It would help to understand that this is not the same thing as your hubby trying to horde all the family funds, or your wifey trying to control you. Marriages end over this sort of thing and is not to be trifled with. Infidelity is a sordid and nasty situation that most people don't want to talk about face to face because of the obvious recriminations that will no doubt result. Should I have been nicer, maybe, but I'll tell you this is NOTHING compared to the tongue lashing that she would receive from her hubby. If this woman actually was remorseful about what she did, I'm sure that the responses would have been at least a little softer, but her post had very little about what damage she may have done to her husband, her posts where very selfish and self serving, hardly a situation where anyone would sit her down and pat her on the back "there, there, what a horrible situation, I feel sorry for you, lets see how we can fix it!!" She was only concerened about how this was affecting her, THAT'S IT!!

LadyJane hit it right on the nose, she left after judging us for essentially telling her how it was, she only responded to a person who would commiserate with her and then left, most likely to find one person who would say that she isn't to blame. There is NO justification for cheating at all. Here is the deal; right now, somewhere in North America there is a woman in the same situation that Tryxy is in, here is the deal, this woman is packing her bags and leaving her hubby so he can at least understand that she won't take anymore, or she's leaving for good. Both of these situations are painful, but somewhat acceptable, Tryxy's was self serving. That's it, saying that she should have gotten less harsh advice is like saying that someone that shot somone else because of road rage should be sat down and consoled becuase of his impending jail time, they did the crime, they have to do the time. That's it. As for self serving, your damn right I am, it shows a lack of morals to cheat and I am above that crap. If I can do it, why can't these people? Before you pass judgement on me, let me tell you that I work in a nightclub and I get women making passes at me all the time. I could do it and I could get away with it. I DON'T because my relationship with my fiancee means too much. She didn't see it that way because she didn't get her way, end of story!! Sorry I've got no sympathy for cheaters especially the ones that don't give a damn about the people that they are hurting!!

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whichwayisup

The thing is, if the OM hadn't moved away, chances are, she'd still be in this affair with him. But, he moved so therefore the affair had to end.

 

Question is, IS she still intouch with him by email or phone? If so, then it will become an emotional affair.

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The thing is, if the OM hadn't moved away, chances are, she'd still be in this affair with him. But, he moved so therefore the affair had to end.

 

Question is, IS she still intouch with him by email or phone? If so, then it will become an emotional affair.

 

 

All good points,whichwayisup. Exactly my concerns, too. This poster's PR problem was that she sounded way too cavalier about her affair. I suspect that some were offended by her tone. Some mea culpa would have been nice.

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