JamieB Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 If you have ever snooped and caught your SO engaging in deceitful behavior, please read on. I'll do my best to be pithy. I have been dating a wonderful man for 6 months. He is in the military so we are long-distance, but we spend just about every weekend together. He is very attentive, affectionate, etc. etc. and I never have felt that I needed to doubt him for any reason. We are very much in love and believe that this relationship will last for the foreseeable future. I am very cynical and have trust issues, so I rarely get caught off guard. Over the holidays he was home for a 2-week hiatus. First I checked his cell phone for no reason in particular and discovered he had conversed briefly with an ex-girlfriend he is still in contact with, and he had told me two days prior he had not heard from her in months. I confronted him, told him what I did and what I found out, and he was very apologetic, claiming he lied because he did not want her to be an issue for us. I made it very clear that this is unacceptable, and he agreed, and said he'd never keep things like this from me again. A few days later I happened upon his email which was already logged into. I did not sit down with the intention to look, but there it was, so I did. He was not home at the time. He and another "friend" (a girl he's known since high school) had exchanged e-mails over the course of the last 4 months, many of which contained inappropriate flirting (eg, calling each other "babe," telling each other how much they missed each other, etc). I confronted him again and learned that he had screwed around with this girl a year ago (well before meeting me) while she was living with someone else and contemplating leaving. She didn't leave, she's engaged to the guy now, but she and my SO are still communicating. This of course led to a rather emotionally intense few days for us as we tried to sort through all this. He has offered to cut these women completely out of his life because we both agree that it is the only way I will feel OK about everything. I know that otherwise I will constantly wonder if he is hiding his communications with them from me, in whole or in part. I feel very confident he has not seen either of these women since he has been with me. As I said, we are long distance and these women live in my area, and when he's here, he's with me all the time. So what do I do now? I'm feeling very down about it, and I'm worried I'll never recover and be able to fully trust him now that he's deceived me. Do I look at his phone every chance I get now? Use his passwords to get into his email? Install a keylogging device on my own computer (he uses it when he's here)? I don't want to be naive, but I also don't want to turn into a paranoid lunatic, either. I guess I just need some words of wisdom from anyone who has been there. I appreciate so much anything you have to tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 easy. just tell him about how u feel and i am sure he will do everything to reassure u. my gf has access to everything and she gives me the same - simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Well, I have two takes on this: 1). He needs to see himself as a ladies man, a "player" if you will, but it's all a harmless act, all bark but no bite or 2). He's laying the groundwork to cheat on you. Why do you think he was motivated to stay in touch with BOTH women? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author JamieB Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Thank you so much for responding. It's funny you say "Player"...he has been accused of that by some of his family members in so many words. He is 36 and was married for a few years, and now has been on the dating scene for about 5. These two women clearly have strong feelings for him. He broke it off with each of them, and from what I have been able to figure out, they call/email and he responds. In other words, it appears that they are initiating most of the contact. He says he just plays along so that they don't feel bad. I explained to him that he owes them nothing, and he agreed. He also agreed that if he has to sever his ties with them so that I can feel better about everything, he is more than willing to do so. He is a very clear-headed, rational thinker about every issue we've discussed thus far and this is included. He didn't even seem to care that I had snooped and totally accepted that what he was doing was inappropriate. He just didn't think I'd find out. So again, how do I proceed? Do I continue to check up as much as I can under the scene to be sure he's following through? I have a small child (he has no kids) and we all spend a good bit of time together now. I need to be very careful not to get overly committed to someone who is a pathological liar. I know that these transgressions hardly make him a pathological liar, but it all starts somewhere. He has a history of being deceitful in the past (with his wife as well) but went through therapy, etc. to try to figure it all out so he could change. I guess that's partly why I was so shocked. I have a history of deceitfulness as well but really wanted to do it right this time, and I thought he felt the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 These two women clearly have strong feelings for him. He broke it off with each of them, and from what I have been able to figure out, they call/email and he responds. In other words, it appears that they are initiating most of the contact. He says he just plays along so that they don't feel bad. Bullshxt. He's getting something out of it or he wouldn't be wasting his time doing it. If he has a pattern in the past of being shady and a player, and he's already lied to you about the contact with these women. I'd find it really really hard to continue a relationship with him because he's lied or not been completely honest with me. He should have told you he was in contact with these women. If he's flirting with one in the emails, saying baby and how much he misses her- you can bet he's not doing that just to make her feel better. You have a child, and cannot waste time on someone who wants to continue to be a player. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JamieB Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 I appreciate your response. I am certainly having a hard time with this. I'm not sure what I will do about it. I definitely do not want to make any impulsive decision (ie, break up with him immediately) that I might regret later. As I said before, I am in love with this person and up until now felt he was "the one." Now I'm not sure, but I'm willing to lay low for a while and see how it goes. I just don't know how long it will take me to feel better about it, and what will have to happen for me to feel better about it. But honestly, right now, mostly I'm just feeling a lot of despair. Link to post Share on other sites
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 If this was me, I would still check his cell phone and his emails every now and then. I know snoping is not a good thing but if you just want to lay low and see how things goes and the trust is not completely there, maybe that's a way to handle the situation? But the first lie you catch him in, I would ditch him in a heartbeat. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 snooping is usually a bad idea cause you'll probably find something you don't want to see... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Bullshxt. He's getting something out of it or he wouldn't be wasting his time doing it. If he has a pattern in the past of being shady and a player, and he's already lied to you about the contact with these women. I'd find it really really hard to continue a relationship with him because he's lied or not been completely honest with me. He should have told you he was in contact with these women. If he's flirting with one in the emails, saying baby and how much he misses her- you can bet he's not doing that just to make her feel better. You have a child, and cannot waste time on someone who wants to continue to be a player. Dead, solid, perfect advice. Being nice involves helping little ol' ladies across the street. It doesn't involve exchanging flirtatious emails with other women when you're in a relationship. Maybe he sees himself as a mix of Casanova and The Salvation Army Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Okeydokey Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Hey Jamie, I've had this one happen to me twice. I found out that I was my ex-ex boyfriend's rebound. He told me that he and his gf had been broken up for 2 years (more like 2 mos) and as our R progressed I found out they were still in CLOSE contact. He was not upfront about it etc. A prior bf just cheated a lot and had all sorts of emails, IMs, phone calls, and phone numbers w/other women. This is what I have learned. There is always an excuse. Either he'll tell you he's just really friendly and doesnt know why the OWs get the wrong idea. Or he'll say they're just his friends and he feels rude not staying in touch. Whatever. In the end you will drive yourself crazy rummaging through his stuff and the relationship is going to suffer from the mistrust that you have btwn each other. I hate to say it, but I think you should start preparing yourself emotionally to get out of this relationship and as soon as you feel ready to dump him, I would do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JamieB Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 Thank you for your honesty. I am going to give this guy a chance to redeem himself. I will know if he lies again. Unfortunately for him, he has no idea who he is dealing with. I assured him if he lied again, I would know. I am a master; I missed my calling as a private investigator for sure. But, I am also gearing myself up for what is likely to be the most painful breakup so far in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 It certainly makes me wonder what else he is not telling you. Dump this guy. Get a full barrage of STD testing done and find a new man. Link to post Share on other sites
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