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Lying and Cheating Husband


LovelySoul

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Please read and offer advise.

 

I have been married for 1 and 1/2 years to my husband. However, we have been together a total of nine years. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It has been 11 months since I found out about his affair and I am still obsessive about it.

 

How I found out was a fluke thing. My husband said that he got called into work. However, there were some inconsistencies in his story. When I confronted him he claimed that I was crazy and owed him an apology. I apologized and later found out and confirmed that he did not go to work. When I again confronted him he claimed he went to a bar for a drink. Granted he never goes to bars by himself he always has to have a friend with him. Except for this one night. Yeah right! (during this time I was pregnant with our second child)

 

Anyways, a few months go by and we are out on St Patty's Day. The bar we went to he claims he had never been too. My memory started to churn and I remembered that he said 100% without a doubt that he went there one night with a friend several months earlier. Then I did some checking and remembered that on that night in particular he got a text message that said "U suck U know I mad at you". Something at the time told me to write down the number and I did. I never called it then. But for some reason I felt I needed to call it now. I called and discovered that it belonged to Roxanne and she knew my now husband and had been seeing him on and off for 3 and 1/2 years.

 

He denied it over and over and even got her to lie for him about their sexual involvement. He claims they had sex only 2 times and she claims it was 3 times a year with regular phone contact. I even had him take 2 lie detector tests. He still claims that she is exaggerating the truth to hurt him. Whatever.

 

Also, he was hiding money from me. Not alot but still enough for me to say hey.

 

Our relationship was good the first 4 years and then he got distant. I can honestly say I tried everything. He got sex, laughs, romance and so much more from me.

 

So why did he do it? He claims he was lost....what does that mean.

 

He claims he loves me and just didn't realize what he had. Now with the threat of losing me he has gotten his act together. So I think (can you ever be sure that it won't happen again?)

 

I guess my issue is that he wasn't man enough to tell me the truth once it was out there. He kept lying and lying. Anything to save himself, regardless of what he was doing to me in the process.

 

At this point I don't know what to do. Should I stay? Should I go? Should I get my own revenge with someone else?

 

Will this rage that I feel towards him go away?

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But, I have found, once a cheater, always a cheater. Some spouses/mates are habitual liars. Sounds like your husband will go to any length to cover himself with lies, including "forcing" his girlfriend to lie. When you first find out you are in denial. I think that's the stage you are in. He lied and made you apologize to HIM!! Sounds like he is a habitual liar to me, covering his own guilt by getting mad at you and mirroring his wrongs onto you. That's a sick thing.

 

Sorry, but I would kick him to the curb and get on with your life and raise your children with good values. Something your husband seems to be lacking. You will probably never trust him again, once the trust is broken, it is almost impossible to bring it back. That's the sad thing the cheating mate doesn't understand. They are selfish and want what they want when they want it. Sounds like he played both of you. Sorry you have to go through this. God bless.

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LovelySoul,

 

So sorry you're going through this nightmare. Been there where you are. Did finallly kicked my stbx husband. BUT, before you do that, check out www.marriagebuilders.com and read "Surviving An Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs". Remember to not blame yourself for the affair. There are successs stories even after infidelity.

 

What kills most marriages after discovery of the affair is the ongoing lying and cheating.

 

If your husband is willing to make amends and immediately be an open book to you, email, accountable to his every whereabouts, there's a good chance your marriage will survive.

 

Affairs will either destroy a marriage or make it stronger. The affair is a symptom of issues in the marriage except that your husband was not man enough to own up to his end of the deal.

 

The next few weeks or so will be tough. It's called emotional roller coaster and it's a normal process. Seek a marriage counselor that is pro marriage. Your insurance usually covers the first five sessions with a small co-pay. If the counselor feels you need additional sessions, a request will be completed for a maximum of 15 total for the year.

 

Affair is a selfish cowardly act by cheaters. Remind yourself that you are not to blame. Stay strong especially for your kids.

 

Good luck.

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Also read up on Plan A & B which usually deals with exposing the affair and exposure. Exposing the affair to the light of day usually kills affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. There are certain ways of exposing. But let his family and the other woman's (OW) family know as well. There is also a downside to exposure.

 

Meanwhile, it doesn't hurt to get your ducks in a row with regards to your finances. Expect that your husband will go through withdrawal because the affair is equal to the fix that drug addicts get. It can be a lengthy process for your husband to get out of the "fog". Important to NOT allow yourself to become a doormat while you are going through Plan A & B. AND remember to retain your self-respect throughout the process otherwise all it does is it enhances your husband's "harem mentality" of having two women. Set boundaries for yourself that he can't cross while you are going through both plans.

 

I feel your anguish and pain. The pain of betrayal is indescribeable Some will encourage you to take anti-depressant. I begged my doc for some. Thankfully, he refused to prescribe them. His advise was to "hang in there. Tough it out. It's temporary." I'm glad I listened. I will give you that same advice....hang in there.

 

Keep posting even if it's to just vent out. Many of uf the readers and posters here on LS have gone through what you are going through. When you think you've reached the end of your rope, just come online and start pounding on your keyboard. We'll hang in there for you. You're not alone.

 

Hang in there...it does get better....and it will. Trust that this happened for a reason....you just don't know it yet. God will not hand you anything He doesn't think you can't handle....

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FlyingHigh: Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I discovered the affair 10 months ago and am still living with the betrayal. He has done alot to change and I would consider him an ideal husband, now.

 

I still can't help being bothered by how bad he treated me before. I look back now at all of the stories that didn't add up and his actions that were not quite right and just feel sick to my stomach. He is the one person that I thought I could trust in this world. Before the discovery our relationship was bad and I think there was a point where my feelings for him started to fade. I guess I am just lost right now. Do I think that I can ever trust him? Right now, no. I have never been a nervous person and now I feel so anxious and nervous.

 

If it was easy to leave right now I would. When we got together I was single with no kids. I was enjoying life and managed more than well financially. Now, I am married with 2 kids and have gotten comfortable financially. I almost think it is easier to stay with him than be single with 2 kids. It scares me to be alone with 2 small kids. I really have no other family support.

 

Right now I don't know what I want. I am going to focus on myself and finish school and take care of my kids. After school is done I will reevaluate this marriage and see if he is giving me what I want and deserve.

 

Thanks again

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Bravo! You MUST look out for yourself and your children for the future. Your plan to go to school and then reevaluate your marriage is exactly the thing you need to do to protect yourself.

 

Good luck and best wishes!

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Bravo! You MUST look out for yourself and your children for the future. Your plan to go to school and then reevaluate your marriage is exactly the thing you need to do to protect yourself.

 

Good luck and best wishes!

Absolutely agree!! This will give you the distraction you need that will reward you in the end.

 

Regaining trust is tough. You will continue as I did, put your husband's behavior and what he says under a microscope just to see if he's lying. While it's a natural process it can also be emotionally and physically draining. But at some point throughout this process, you have to be willing to DECIDE to trust. Consider this a necessity if your marriage is to somehow survive.

 

Have you forgiven him yet? Did he ask you for your forgiveness? If so, what did he offer in return? This is an important step towards YOUR OWN recovery as well as for the marriage. Part of your healing process is to be able to forgive him. If you can't, while it's understandable, you'll have to decide. If you haven't, your marriage doesn't have a shot. In your husband's eyes and mind, it will make him feel that any efforts on his part to make amends with you will be pointless. He already knows he's walking on eggshells.

 

FORGIVING in itself is a challenge and very difficult. You fear that by forgiving, you are setting yourself up to get hurt again. But on the other hand, if we are able ask the Big Guy upstairs to forgive us, it would be hypocrasy on our part if we can't in turn forgive those who ask for our forgiveness, wouldn't it?

 

If it was easy to leave right now I would. When we got together I was single with no kids. I was enjoying life and managed more than well financially. Now, I am married with 2 kids and have gotten comfortable financially.

Sometimes our greatest strength comes from the most traumatic experience dealt on us unexpectedly. You will find eventually find your strength in it. Your desire to return to school is the first step.

 

I almost think it is easier to stay with him than be single with 2 kids. It scares me to be alone with 2 small kids. I really have no other family support.

Be careful with this. Don't allow yourself to fall into this trap. What you are feeling right now is FEAR of the unknown. It is FEAR that causes people to not venture out and expand their horizon. You are already fearing that YOU "might" fail financially on your own with two kids without a "husband". While your state of mind is undertandable given what you are going through, don't let your fear of the unknown be the reason why you can't grow from this experience. There are single mothers out there who have made it without a second income or husband.

 

Remember....you WERE SOMEONE before you met your husband and that SOMEONE is still YOU! ONLY YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGED! Rediscover her! She's there! AND REINVENT HER!!

 

My family is out of state. My support system has been my friends and neighbors. Reconnect with old friends. Get to know your neighbors. Children are the greatest ice breakers when it comes to getting to know your neighbors. And of course, you've got LS....:)

 

Hang in there... Here's a Christmas hug to you!:bunny:

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reservoirdog1
It has been 11 months since I found out about his affair and I am still obsessive about it.

Eleven months to get over a partner's cheating is nothing. For most people, the recovery time is measured in years, not months. It takes at least a year to reach a point where it isn't corrupting your thoughts EVERY WAKING HOUR.

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Eleven months to get over a partner's cheating is nothing. For most people, the recovery time is measured in years, not months. It takes at least a year to reach a point where it isn't corrupting your thoughts EVERY WAKING HOUR.

 

Yup, I agree here as well. The resulting damage to ones trust may take even longer to get over.

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