I messed up ... How Can I repair relationship?

[Khalid]

Hi,

 

I'm really in the dumps, and was just looking for some advice. I have been in my relationship for over 2 years now, and I had messed up, and cheated about a year ago, in which she suspected, because she found an article of clothing, but never knew for sure. Of course, being stupid, I had lied and said it was nothing, and we've lived the last year basically as a lie. I finally told the truth last weekend, and confessed to what had happened, because I felt bad and am very ashamed, and things just havent been the same since, as she always asked me about it.

 

At first, she was determined to move out, and leave me. After things calmed down for a bit, she decided that I should pay for my actions and mistakes, and gave me conditions on staying in the relationship (buying tv, co-signing for car, to name a couple), as well as giving her 3-4 months to go back to New York (We live together in California, but she's from there and family is there), to have some time to heal and re-build the relationship (while still having the commitment and being true to only one another). That was fine with me, as I understand she needed time so I agreed (as i want to respect her decision). Now, today all of a sudden, she says to forget all that, and she just wants to go back, and separate all together .. saying that I need to prove that I want the relationship to work.

 

I feel that once she goes back (has family, no rent, no car payment) and has the freedom to see others, and realizes that there are other people who will not put her through what she's been through with me, I dont have much of a chance to 'prove' myself, and it's hard since i'll be 3000 miles away. The only thing I know to do is communicate by phone, but that won't help much to re-gain the trust. I really love her with all my heart, and have learned from this experience, but I just dont know what to do at this point. She is packed, and plans on leaving at the end of the month ... Any ideas of how I can make this work?

 

Thanks so much for listening

K

[sinceyouasked]

Two things come to mind. You can ask her what she wants to see from you as proof that you want the relationship or you can assum that what she wants is for you to go to extreme lengths to prove yourself to her. You can not stop her from moving but you can buy her tickets back to California and buy yourself tickets to NY. Give those to her for Christmas.

[silentalways]

i have accepted that my situation is beyond repair because of online activities which basically corrupted my soul, destroyed her trust and lead to an addiction - gawd i love the internet - NOT!

 

if u are actually in complete control of all mental facalties and are actually viewing things as reality [many people go to chat roooms because they are lonely, depressed, and have no intension of actually doing what they are saying, many are simply escaping from something]. i will use myself as an example - i basically chatted with a few people during a time where i was so depressed, addicted, and stressed out that anything i said could not be taken in any way as fact.

 

there is no way in the world i would have met someone else while i was already in a relationship and the very fact i couldn't 'see' what i was actually doing is concerned cheating [even though i believe what i was suffering from is a valid excuse] - i have still accept responsibilty for my actions and i am now living with the result of that. it was a terrible thing to admit and understand but i no longer blame myself in ways that are punishing and i no longer am tortured by the remorse of it. i have paid the price, learned the lessons, and accept the consquences of my actions. that's all i could do.