What is she doing? What am I doing?

[Rooster_DAR]

Okay, here we go. Some of you already know my story so I won't go back into history.

 

After 3 months of N/C she contacts me and says she wants to work things out.

 

Her Quote:"I want to do whatever it takes to gain your trust back, I finally found true love and don't want to lose you again"

 

Since then we have been in contact and she has confessed she is involved with this guy (affair), but she is afraid to hurt him too. Okay, so we started talking about all the problems in the relationship and communicated better than we ever have. She came clean about evertying that happened and told me she is in a relationship with this guy, he lives in another state but they work together every year. She tells me his vehicle is being stored at our house and she wanted to let me know that before I found out myself.

 

She says she wants to know if we are going to work this out so she can let the O/M know by Xmas. She also stated that she has maxed out her credit cards and was broke. These two things were a major problem with me, and makes me question her real motives. She was crying and holding my hand the whole time, so it seemed there was some sincerety there and she has come clean. She did say she broke up with this guy after we talked.

 

Fast forward to this last weekend, I went over to the house on Friday and we talked about all of this some more after dinner. When I brought up the fact that his car is still in the garage, she said the he contacted her again. I asked if she broke it off with him and she said yes, but he called back upset and wanted to work things out. I asked her what they said and she just stated he wanted to work things out. She proceeded to compare him with me telling why she was attracted to him, and how attentive and sweet he is to her. I got upset and said please don't compare me to him. She also told me she has liked him a lot longer than I suspected, and that's she's been in contact with him for a year.

 

I stated to her that she needs to accept she is having an affair, but she seems to minimize it with words like "It really wasn't like that". Anyway, I went home that night and Saturday I decided I was going to take her to the nutcracker. We went out for dinner, and proceeded to the play and it was a good time. When we got back to the house, we started talking again and she was now saying she feels awkward when I try to hold her hand, and she can't think about sex around me, and she's confused. What does that mean? Is she confused about the whole thing, or just not attracted to me? Well, I finally said to her I'm ending your confusion now and left to go home.

 

She sends me text message after text message saying things like "Don't be mad at me" "I am not giving up, I think we are meant to be together". I'm trying to be patient because I understand an affair is hard to give up, but do I just need say fu**off or should I be patient and let this ride out? She still says she wants to keep trying, so I'm very confused people. She also stated she has met his sisters and his family, and they like her a lot. I'm very angry that she could do this to me/us after all the time we spent together. She also said she wants to have a family by next year, and her mom is pushing for her and I to reconcile. She also asked me again "What are we going to do, she needs to know?" which sounds again like an ultimatum.

 

Jesus, I am very confused here due to the fact I still do love her. I'm just not convinced I'm not being misled and a fallback for her dispostion.

 

Thanks guys!

[socialight]

the credit cards and the car are major red flags.

 

I would hire a private detective to find out what you cannot on your own.

 

I would also insist the car be removed immediately.

 

The whole point of marriage is that you take a vow to "forsake all others". That implies there is more than 1 person you can be happy with in life.

 

I would, at some point in time, require an ultimate that she is going to have to forsake this other guy for you. No if's and's or buts. Total cut off, take it or leave it. If she can't do that then how can you be sure she will not go back to him when, not if, but when things get hard again?

[whichwayisup]

She says she wants to know if we are going to work this out so she can let the O/M know by Xmas.

 

WTF? This part made me react!

 

SHE wants to know if there's a chance for you and her, so she can end it with the OM by Xmas? So if you say no, it's over, she intends on staying with the OM? Or ends it and comes to you? That's CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She needs time alone, she can't keep bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball!

 

I agree 100% with socialight, major redflags! Her money problem isn't your problem either. Sorry I know that sounds harsh.

 

She needs to prove to you that she is worthy enough to be taken back, so far what she's said, done and most of all, how she's treated you is a big fat NO in my books. She's given you no reason to trust her, at all!

[Art_Critic]

she has confessed she is involved with this guy

 

What an insult that is to you... Why would you ever speak to this woman ever again ?

 

So you are just second best.. the guy who can fix her till the other guy gets divorced..

 

I know it is hard.. but you need to never speak to this girl ever again.. she is going to take you down if you let yourself believe that she is not using you.or going to try and use you..

 

NC and stick to it this time.. you are not going to heal from her until you stick to it

[Rooster_DAR]

Clarification:

 

We are not married, but she is my fiance of 5 years and we were cohabitating in a new house we bought together.

 

I understand what you all are saying, and it makes lot's of sense. However, I have been with her for 5 long years and it's hard to just quit it. She deserves a little credit for coming forward with the honesty, and yes it was very hard for me to hear.

 

Yes, the red flags I caught immediately and is the big reason I did not rush back into her arms. I decided to stay on my own and watch her actions, but I keep getting mixed reactions from her.

 

She just texted me about 10 minutes ago asking if I can burn all of our photograph history and send it to her no a CD. What? I don't understand this female crap sometimes. A big part of me want to text her back and say f**k off and die.

 

Should I just drop evertying here? Please give me advice objectively if possible.

 

Thanks

[Art_Critic]

my advice was objective...

 

She is using you or going to try to

[Rooster_DAR]

What an insult that is to you... Why would you ever speak to this woman ever again ?

 

So you are just second best.. the guy who can fix her till the other guy gets divorced..

 

I know it is hard.. but you need to never speak to this girl ever again.. she is going to take you down if you let yourself believe that she is not using you.or going to try and use you..

 

NC and stick to it this time.. you are not going to heal from her until you stick to it

 

You are so correct. God this sh** really sucks, you think you know somebody and then BAMM!!! Everything gets ripped apart.

 

This is just so wrong.

[Yamaha]

The fact that she would make a demand on you to make a decision about your relationship should tell you all you need to know. She is not ready to leave the O/M but doesn't want to let you go so she is playing both ends of the rope. She is not serious enough to make that move and until she is you have nothing to talk about. Keep up with the NC.

[whichwayisup]

I have no clue wtf is going through her head, but her asking for the photo's on a CD means (and this is how I would take it if I were in your shoes) that she's more than likely ending it, and wants the photo's for memory sake.

That's just an odd request seeing as she has asked you to take her back.

 

She's giving you mixed signals, probably because she isn't 100% sure herself, who she wants. It is possible that the thing between her and OM isn't so great and now she is looking at you again? Yet, if you don't ask her back, she'll work it out with him?

 

She's certainly more involved, met his family and all. That's more than just a casual affair, it's a building of a relationship - Which is completely unfair to you seeing as you were (are) engaged.

 

You love her, and I want to tell you to fight for her! But, I can't do that because she's not acting the way someone would if they truely want their future partner back. She's playing you - Not malciously in her mind, but she has a game plan in the works.

 

Now, if she can show you not just in words, but in action, and go to counselling with you, then I would say there's a shot! And, she has to end it 100% with the OM. Forever. Can she do that? Is she willing to do that?

[Art_Critic]

You are being treated as second fiddle.. 5 years or not..

 

You would think that after 5 years she would treat you better than that.. think about it... would your treat someone you love like that ???

[Art_Critic]

I have a question for you Rooster..

 

How is this even possible to work out for you ?? Give me a scenario that puts her back in your arms forever with all this new info about another guy and the credit issue ??

[Yamaha]

You are being treated as second fiddle.. 5 years or not..

 

You would think that after 5 years she would treat you better than that.. think about it... would your treat someone you love like that ???

 

Excellent advice, A.C.

Love muddies up the waters and she is still counting on his love for her. What a shame he is still so hooked on her. You must keep up with the NC. If she is serious she will leave no stone unturned to win you back but giving you an ultimatum is not the way to start.

[Rooster_DAR]

Well first of all, she has been forthcoming about things and she has made indication of still caring such as sending me a b-day card two weeks early saying she's sorry and misses me terribly. She has made it a point to talk about why things got this way and that she is strugging with confusion.

 

I am just being careful because if I jump to my anger and tell her to Fu** off and die, I am closing off the possiblity of getting to the root of the issues that caused this and possilbly salvaging an otherwise decent relationship.

 

OTH, I agree with all of you that this seems like a play to me. This guys lives two states away, not here in our city. She is very upset because I dated a couple of girls after we broke up 3 months ago. I said, what? we were broken up before I started seeing someone you have been at least emotionally involved with this guy for a year when things were supposedly okay. Her thoughts were that he live out of state, the girl I was seeing lives here.

 

It's obvious from above there are major trust issues on both sides, we both did acknowlege that.

 

Thanks for the replied gents!

[Rooster_DAR]

Excellent advice, A.C.

Love muddies up the waters and she is still counting on his love for her. What a shame he is still so hooked on her. You must keep up with the NC. If she is serious she will leave no stone unturned to win you back but giving you an ultimatum is not the way to start.

 

Agreed, thanks gentlemen as alway good advice.

 

Sometimes one just needs a little perspective to understand the bigger picture.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the replied gents!

 

And gal!

 

If anything, ask her to move out and be on her own for a while. She DOES need that time alone. How the heck can she make a decision when she's still with the OM? It's unfair to him, to you, and actually to herself.

[Yamaha]

She is very upset because I dated a couple of girls after we broke up 3 months ago. I said, what? we were broken up before I started seeing someone you have been at least emotionally involved with this guy for a year when things were supposedly okay. Her thoughts were that he live out of state, the girl I was seeing lives here

 

WTF??

She is just trying to deflect her actions onto you so she doesn't look so bad. Don't fall for this ploy.

[Rooster_DAR]

I want to send her a message saying that I'm thru with her completely. Should I do this or just not say anything at all?

[Rooster_DAR]

And gal!

 

If anything, ask her to move out and be on her own for a while. She DOES need that time alone. How the heck can she make a decision when she's still with the OM? It's unfair to him, to you, and actually to herself.

 

Sorry whichwayisup!

 

The other posters are saying just N/C. Should I tell her to **ck off or what?

[whichwayisup]

When indoubt, don't do anything...

 

You're emotional right now, so it's best to think and do it properly.

 

I take it you two are not talking on the phone, all talking is through IM's or emails?

[whichwayisup]

Sorry whichwayisup!

 

The other posters are saying just N/C. Should I tell her to **ck off or what?

 

That's OK, just felt like giving you a hard time...And to make sure you knew I was female and not male!

 

After 5 years, don't tell her to F-off. It may make you feel good in the moment, but later you might feel bad. NOT that she deserves your respect, but you are a good guy and have a good heart.

 

Write out (pen and paper) what you feel, maybe a letter to her...Don't give it to her (yet) just get out all that you're feeling and thinking...Then, when you're done, if you want to send it DO so...Just know that once you send it off, things are over. Be sure that is what you want.

 

Though I do think you need to think things through abit...Reacting on pure emotion isn't always a good thing...

[Art_Critic]

When indoubt, don't do anything...

 

You're emotional right now, so it's best to think and do it properly.

 

Good advice WWIU

 

Rooster.. try and also remember that she is most likely intimate with her other guy.. that is why she can't think about sex with you..

 

If there is any future for you both to be together it must start with her remving the other guy ENTIRELY from her life first ...

[Rooster_DAR]

When indoubt, don't do anything...

 

You're emotional right now, so it's best to think and do it properly.

 

I take it you two are not talking on the phone, all talking is through IM's or emails?

 

We have been talking on the phone and in person. I spent this last weekend with her on Friday and Saturday night. She sent me a text a few minutes ago saying that she thinks we are meant to be together, but it's just to soon for a reconciliation right now.

 

Not sure I believe a word of that. Sounds like she is still waiting to find out if her affair partner is going to pan out to me.

 

If that is the case, I still don't understand how people can do this to eachother. I feel like I'm the only person left in the world that's mature, and monogamous. I don't get it.

[Yamaha]

Many a thing has been said in anger that you can't take back.

 

When you are ready to talk to her (in person ) tell her you just don't think you two are right for each other and wish her the best ( if that is how you feel ).

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like she is still waiting to find out if her affair partner is going to pan out to me.

 

That is how exactly it sounds...I think we all can agree on that.

 

She can talk all she wants about wanting you back - But she HAS to leave him, be on her own. I said it before too, but it's not cool to jump out of a relationship, into another one, and then back into the original relationship. That just plain sucks for you!

 

It's unhealthy in so many ways as well...Mentally and physically.

She needs time alone, without you and without the OM.

[Rooster_DAR]

Good advice WWIU

 

Rooster.. try and also remember that she is most likely intimate with her other guy.. that is why she can't think about sex with you..

 

If there is any future for you both to be together it must start with her remving the other guy ENTIRELY from her life first ...

 

Yes she has been intimate with him, that was part of her confession. I managed to maintain my emotions through this, but it was very hard. She told me they had sex in our bed and that she did use protection. Again, the sex part does not hurt me nearly as bad as the emotional bonding. She was trying to make her case that the problems with our relationship are what caused this, and I normally would understand that but,.

 

This all started when she went on CAT (working out of stated for her employer) duty to Florida and worked side by side with this guy for 5 months. Things were fine with us until a few months after she had been out there, and then she started calling me saying she was depressed and wanted to drive her car off a cliff. There were months of her going through depression and she would not talk to me about it. She said it's something she could not talk to me about. This was my first clue, and what really started raising my suspicouns.

 

I tried several times to get her to talk about the problem, and I did not force her to talk about anything. As it turns out, I believe the source of her depression is because she knew she stepped over the boundaries with this guy and it was killing her inside. When we talked this last weekend, she did admit that it had a lot to do with it. I told her that I knew, I could feel deep inside.

 

Thanks for all your comments, you people are the best.

 

Cheers!