Violation of privacy,still my fault.

[BlueClover]

I have over 4 or 5 email accounts. I checked my aol account the other night (which i rarely check) and accidently left the browser page on. My husband, who seems to check all my online acitivites saw my aol page open and decided to look through all my emails. I know it was stupid in my part to be forgetfull, but, i didnt think I had anything to hide so i didnt worry about closing the page. The problem was, I had a "save" file on the account that I forgot. I guess in 2004 I saved all my Ex-Boyfreinds emails. they were all there, Like 60 emails I would say. None of them were lovey dovey. But, it bothered me that he went through them.Also, That he went through my other emails i wrote to a best girlfreind. I felt so violated.We have been married for almost 2 months and every fight we have had has been over him browsing and going back to things ive said in the pass on a forum or blog. The night he read my AOL account he got angry at me. He Told me F-you, and told me he wanted an annulment, because he thought i kept my Ex-boyfreinds emails as keepsake and because i wasnt over him. Not true. I dont have a peice of emotion for my Ex. He got over it and forgave me. Thats right, Forgave me for looking into my emails. This has been the 3rd or 4th time he has told me he wanted an annulment or divorce. He only says it when we argue or fight. I feel like I am not allowed to cry and be angy because he will tell me that he wants a divorce. To better understand our personalites. I am passive and I can be unintentionally submissive. I feel like he is dominant because he is the one with the main source of income and basically is my whole support system. He is the most loveing caring person to me, accpet when we 'argue or fight. I am just completely hurt right now. Even though he is trying to make things better. i feel like he knows he made a mistake by all his kisses and "i love you forever" remarks. But, nothing is making it better inside my head. I feel so stupid for crying and almost begging him not to leave me when he threatens divorce on me. Ive havent been anything but good to him. Ive been faithfull and gave up going to family fuctions for him. All of a sudden he will read something from the past like a blog or an old email and he threatens me with divorce. If i tell him that i feel hurt, he tells me " well you hurt me". Somehow, I am the one that makes all the mistakes and I am not allowed to cry for them. I cant stand his insecurites....Should I walk while its still early?

[penkitten]

sometimes you are very curious and cant help whats before you even if its wrong. he knows they are from the past, he was just curious.

 

it might be time to delete those old emails since you are married now and they dont matter like they used to.

[Guest]

I sympathize. My wife is like this. The first thing you have to realize is that someone who acts like this is totally insecure. It's likely a crippling emotional disability on their part, so treat it with sympathy and understanding, to a point. It's also possible that your husband is an abusive controller. You'll have to make the judgement call on that. It's a fine line. If your hubby is insecure, providing a little security for him will go a long way. I gave my wife access to my email accounts. I really have nothing to hide. I just take it into account and don't say anything I know will hurt her. It's kind of a good thing. You need to get out of the habit of bad mouthing your SO anyway. It will cause nothing but trouble, and kind of shows a disloyal attitude. A real rock-in-the-shoe for insecure spouses. You also need to make sure and get access to HIS email accounts. If you're going to give something above and beyond, and he want's you to act a certain way, he has to be willing to do it also, and be happy about it. If you really need to vent and your SO likes to watch your online activity, just do it anonymously under a guest account. On the other hand, if your hubby is an abusive control freak, try to get into counseling.

[stoopid_guy]

Should I walk while its still early?

 

I'd be thinking about it. Did he think he was the first guy you ever met? This is like looking in your butt and being surprised to find poop in it.

[Buttaflyy]

You guys might benefit from some guidance or couples counseling. It doesn't seem that you two understand what it is that makes a relationship work.

You should get rid of the emails, yes, but I also understand your need for privacy. Although in this case, it's not like he exactly invaded it. You left it open, it was wrong to read it but most people would have.

 

You are also entitled to express your feelings to your mate. DO something now in terms of owning your voice and standing up for yourself or else you will always be the submissive wife crying inside. It will only get worst. Good luck to you..

[norajane]

Definitely need to start couples counseling, and he needs to go to individual counseling. He's threatening you with divorce every time he gets upset about something - that's emotional blackmail. He doesn't know how to deal with conflicts, and he's very insecure as well. He may appear dominant, but it's insecurity that's driving his anger at you for the old emails.

 

As for you, you could do with some individual counseling to learn why you give in to his antics. Why did you stop going to family functions? Why did you agree to separate youself from your family for this man? You also say you are very dependent on him - maybe if you were to get a job where you are also contributing and he is no longer your sole source of support, you'd feel more like an equal partner who deserves to be heard in this marriage. The stronger you are and the better able you are to take care of yourself, the less his threats of divorce will affect you. You made it on your own before him, you can certainly do it yourself again. Don't allow him to control your entire life.

[Craig]

He is the most loveing caring person to me, accpet when we 'argue or fight.

Even though he is trying to make things better. i feel like he knows he made a mistake by all his kisses and "i love you forever" remarks.

... and gave up going to family fuctions for him.

All of a sudden he will read something from the past like a blog or an old email and he threatens me with divorce.

 

BlueClover, I'm sorry for your situation. Sure he might benefit from counseling, you could too but he appears to be irrational in his insecurities, focused on control and even worse threatening your relationship.

 

I believe that everyone is entitled to privacy in a relationship and privacy should not be violated. Secrets have no place in a healthy relationship and I define a secret as something that would have a negative effect upon the relationship if my SO were aware of it.

 

If I were in your shoes (and I'm not) and my SO pulled the kinds of things that your SO is pulling...I might stay and see how things work out if she agreed to go to couple and individual counseling, was serious about working on the issues and I saw real change happening but if nothing happened or excuses or more threats were offered then I'd leave before getting in deeper.

[Rubber_Chicken]

Did you delete the emails yet ??? I didn't think so

 

You BOTH need to be in MC to level the playing field and deal with his issues

[Guest]

The next time he threatens this then so in a very low tone ok go get one cause I am tired of the threats and if this is what I have to look foward to when we fight and argue then I dont want it. I promise, if he loves you then this will throw him for a loop and stop it. he thinks this scares you and in reality it probly does but he has the power over you cause you let him have that control when you simply say ok go get one and agree to it then he will rethink his steps and stop it. you in return have taken that power from him and when you say this and he says ok I will go tommorrow or something hold your ground cause he is most bluffing. now however if he did not love you and his threats he follows through then you really need to rethink the marrage and go ahead with the breakup cause it is only going to get worse. it seems to me you are still very young and he too this will go away in time but is it time you want to invest to see if it really does?

[BlueClover]

Thanks for your replys. Not that it changes my situation, but, its helps me vent and put things into perspective.

 

Guest1: My husband doesnt come off as a 'abusive controller'. Only because he can be so sensative and caring. I have yet to see him shout or blow up. But, i do think he is emotinally manipulative. I feel he gives up on me the moment i show any discontent or tears. Perhaps that is abuse. duhno. He is very insecure. I could care less to even have access to his emails.-the difference between him and I.

 

stoopid_guy: yep lol

 

Buttaflyy: yeah, i delete everything and anything related to my past. I never had intenstions for keeping emails. My biggest fear is loseing my voice and becoming dependant on him.

 

norajane: i couldnt agree more with you. Also, Emotinal black-mail is exaclty what it feels like. I am a college grad looking for employment, its been really ruff. I think counsling is a great idea, but, he thinks its a terrbile idea and lauphs at the idea of a person 'just hearing' our problems. He doesnt forbid me to see my family, but, he has smothered and pamperd me in a way where he tells me not to go, because he is afraid I will leave him. I swear he can be such a baby, but the moment i show dicontent he flips to a different person and can be so emotionaly cruel.

 

Craig:thx. yes, i will pull and see through what will happend. So far i see too many red flags. We havent even dated a year and we married so early.

 

Guest2: bluffing is what i feel he does. I beleive there wont be a next time for me to want to stay. Its not fair that i get the verbal boot for incredibly ridiculous things.. Its baffles my mind.

[Walk]

Just to back up what the last Guest said. My bf "used to" threaten to break up with me over every single argument we had. I'd cry, beg him not to, blah blah.. didn't matter if he was the one who had "wronged" or I was.. always the threat to leave.

 

Last time he threatened, I didn't say a word. Packed all my stuff and had it sitting by the door for him to find when he got home. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I wasn't willing to fight for a relationship where my partner was ready to quit at the drop of a hat. We talked it out from there.

 

He's hasn't threatened to break up with me since that day.

 

But it was his way of using my emotions to gain control of the situation. Manipulating my fears to get his way. I don't believe it was entirely intentional.. but I had to show him that I wasn't going to allow it. I had to demand he treat me as I expected to be treated. No less, or I was gone.

 

I'm worried about you though. You said you gave up family things for him.. to appease him? Because he can't live without you there for an hour or 2? It isn't healthy for you. I did the same thing with my ex, curtailed my time with my family to appease him. I ended up being miserable.

 

You're wants and needs are just as important as his are. Don't place yourself second to him... even if it seems easier at the time. In the long run it's too detrimental to your happiness and well being.

 

Besides, part of life is having to grow beyond your comfort level. (meaning him) If you continue to coddle him, he'll never grow as an individual. So you aren't doing him any favors by denying yourself something you enjoy. Your enabling him to sink into an insecure and needy mentality.