Peep Booths - Your Input Requested!

[Guest]

My husband of 7 years came clean with me last month about having been to strip clubs and peep booths about 20 times over the last year. He has had the freedom to use porn at home, but the strip clubs were always known to him to be off limits.

 

We fought and resolved this stuff...porn is still OK. Strip clubs are absolutely off limits always and forever (exceptions for bachelors parties and if a group of guys from work is going, but never EVER alone). The one gray area was peep booths.

 

I wanted to see what one is like so this weekend my husband and I went to one (I went in by myself as they don't let 2 people in at once).

 

Well, it was basically just a naked chick touching herself, rubbing her crotch against the plexiglass, and climbing around in the booth. There is no possiblity for touching although before the booth there is conversation with her...jsut about how much and what you get for it.

 

On the one hand I agree that it's "just sex" and titillating for my husband, and his stance is that this is normal guy stuff that he shouldn't have to tell me about and that should be OK with me. On the other hand I feel like if my husband isn't home on time I'm always just going to be wondering if he's got his face up to the plexiglass watching some other girl's crotch, jerking off in the booth, eliminating our possibility for sex later.

 

(By the way our sex life and has been very good and frequent lately, was always about once a week now it's 3-4x).

 

Should I be bothered by the peep booths? The possibility for infidelity and the physical touching make strippers absolutely off limits (my husband understands this and has agreed to not go) but what about the peep booths? Is having this be OK some kind of recipe for danger, or should I just be cool and let it happen?

 

Opinions, personal experiences, etc. greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks!!!

[LawGuy]

Interesting little thread you have here...!

 

I personally think that everything is a little off the mark.

 

I am coming from a different perspective. I've been married for 7 years, and we have been swingers for five years!

 

Let me tell you, after one year of monogamy, we started reading a ton of books on sexuality, swinging, and so forth.

 

Our whole world just literally went from "black and white" to "Technicolor" overnight.

 

Now, I am NOT recommending 'swinging' as a solution here. No way.

 

I am just saying that some "out of the box" thinking may be in order here.

 

As Lifestylers, we have delved deep, deep, deep into issues of recreational sex, church-imposed monogamy, jealousy, bisexuality (her, not me!), alternative lifestyles, and so forth.

 

We kinda chuckle when we hear people at the "My husand goes/went/wants to go to a strip club/peep show/bordello. Should I let him? Is it cheating? Where do I draw the line? He didn't tell me. He's not telling me. He wants to go. Etc. Etc. etc."

 

It would just be so nice if spouses could be 110% honest with each other about their desires, and so forth. I'll tell ya... we've had recreational sex with strangers for over 5 years, and it's sure brought us closer and improved our sex life, too!

 

You are asking some very valid questions. ANYTHING can be a recipe for a disaster. Working in an office building is a recipe for disaster. Chatting with soccer moms can be a recipe for disaster. Getting a BJ from a hooker can be a disaster. Swinging can be a disaster.

 

But you know what? Straight-ahead monogamy is also a huge disaster!

 

So, really.. keep on asking these questions... and if you want a few good ideas of books have that opened our minds, please let me know!

 

Here's the opening page to one of our top books, The Sexual State of the Union, by Susie Bright:

 

======

Page 1

The Wrong Question

 

Lust brings out the liar in everyone. Every erection has Pinocchio written up and down its length—yes, everybody wants to be REAL, a real boy, an honest woman, unafraid and upright—but then desire, the ultimate honesty, does us in. Desire doesn’t give a whit about shame. Our secrets, our exaggerations and distractions, it’s all just a lot of twisting in the wind as far as sex is concerned—what we want WILL come out.

 

When we talk about sex to each other, one-on-one, we open a well-worn box of lovers’ lies – fake orgasms, promises of fidelity, boastful exploits. But on a social stage, lying about sex grows to such a grandiose level that instead of just answering with fibs and false hoods, our collective breath doesn’t even pose an honest question.

 

The very premises of our education, our media, our aesthetics, assume tremendous beliefs about sexuality that aren’t any more real than a flat earth. Instead, double standards and things that go bump in the night are the order of the day, the order of our childhoods, our daily bread.

 

My childhood was filled with pious and common messages about sin, femininity, romance, and virginity. I’m glad the nuns in my parochial school took off their habits; that was ‘the beginning of the end,” just like the pope predicted. It was the sixties, we let our hair down, and the lies about good girls and bad girls fell from our heads like useless hairpins.

==

[JackJack]

This is JMO on the matter,. but personally peep show booths should be off limits if its something that bothers you. Just like the swinging thing, if it works for both people involved and theya re ok with it, then thats fine, the same goes for peep show booths. If both people find its ok, then go for it. But the problem lies within when one of the parties does NOT like it or wants it to stop. If someone continues to do something after a spouse has asked them or made it known they don't care for it, then they are being selfish and disrespectful of the marraige as a whole. If it bothers you he needs to not go and you put your foot down about it. If your sex life has improved due to his viewing of these sex booths, thats probably not the best idea , there are other ways couples can spice things up without one partner getting their rocks pumped up by a woman rubbing herself all over plexy glass, thats not a marriage. A healthy sex life would be where both parties in the marraige are involved together, not where one runs off to get aroused by another only to come home and have sex with his wife becasue someone else made him aroused.

[Adunaphel]

I think that if strip clubs bother you, peep booths are going to be a problem for you no matter how cool you try to be about them.

There is the visual stimulation, and there is some form of interaction with the girl in the peep booth - he talks with her, and she does what she is asked to do.

 

Would you be okay with your H paying a woman to do on a webcam what he asked her to do?

 

Anyway, I think you have your answer here:

On the other hand I feel like if my husband isn't home on time I'm always just going to be wondering if he's got his face up to the plexiglass watching some other girl's crotch, jerking off in the booth, eliminating our possibility for sex later.

 

Also,

and his stance is that this is normal guy stuff that he shouldn't have to tell me about and that should be OK with me.

he is being a jerk.

 

I don't know many women who'd be okay with peep booths.

Don't force yourself to pretend you are fine with them if you really are not.

[Guest]

Would you be okay with your H paying a woman to do on a webcam what he asked her to do?

 

Interesting point. No, not OK.

 

Here's my differentiator - if I'm not there but another real woman is, it makes me nervous and uncomfortable.

 

LawGuy, we acutally discussed swinging. I'm not opposed to the idea - if I am there and we are doing something fun and sexual TOGETHER. I proposed that we consider this idea to my husband and he actually is the one who felt like it would be problematic. I was open to it, and still am, although it's no "soloution" to anything - just a way to spice things up should we desire to do so in that way.

 

My problem is his sexual behaviors that do no involve me. If it's porn-related, and there is no real woman attached either in person or potentially live and in person, I don't feel threatened or worried that something leading to infidelity could happen. Plus the fact that I just learned recently that he's been lying to me and keeping his actions from me for over a year doesn't help matters.

 

You're absolutely right, LawGuy. IF spouses were "110% honest" then things would be vastly different. His actual actions (lap dances especially) hurt me but the realization that he had been so dishonest absolutely devastated me.

 

We went to a counselor and she advised us to create an agreement that included him agreeing to not do anything sexual outside of the marriage for a while. It's been about a month and I'm thinking we might be reevaluating that agreement soon. I have zero problem with him reintegrating porn into his life, but I'm struggling with the peep booths.

 

Has anyone out there been propositioned by a peep booth stripper, or to the contrary, can anyone vounch for their innocuousness? My husband is very sexual and I want him to be happy but I also want to be careful so as to not support actions that may lead to the decline of our marriage. I don't want to "force" myself one way or the other; but I feel like I need more info to really glean how I feel about this...

 

Thanks again for all your help, folks!

[JackJack]

Don't kid yourself if you think nothing goes on at peep show booths, or strip clubs. NO I'm not saying ALL strip clubs or peep show booths have shady things going on, but it does happen. I don't know if the peep show place your husband has gone to, if there is anything going on or not other than watching. However, if YOU are uncomfortable about it, you need to put your foot down on the matter and talk with him about it.

[RecordProducer]

Dear guest, what you allow him to do depends on your feelings for him and your own desires, fears, limits, etc. I personally would be bothered by anything that includes another woman, even fantasies. But I don't ask him about his fantasies and don't want to know.

 

We've both agreed on full faithfulness and he knows I am jealous. Plus he has never been in a strip club or used any kind of sexual service from anyone. He has had MANY women in bed though.

 

No one touches us and we don't touch anyone. Those are our rules. We are both dedicated to each other and think that superficial sexual pleasure on the side is not worth ruining our deep love. We please our sexual needs with each other. We both think that sexual instinct shouldn't guide us through our lives destroying everything that means so much to both of us.

 

Polygamy doesn't go hand in hand with trust, love, health, friendship, and closeness. Plus where do you draw the line? What if he falls in love with another woman/ What if YOU fall in love with another man? What if another woman gets pregnant from him? What if you catch an STD? It's not kosher in my book. In my heart sex goes together with love.

[norajane]

Peep booths? You actually went into a box where guy after guy goes in to spew? I hope you didn't touch anything. Ewww.

 

I wouldn't be ok with that at all, and I have no problem with porn. I just think those booths are probably dirty, smelly, and he'd have to scrub himself with bleach and get an STD test before touching me again. You know guys have problems aiming into the toilet when they pee - they certainly aren't going to be careful when they're coming! Maybe the booths aren't that filthy and every inch is scrubbed spotless after every encounter, but I can't believe they're that diligent with cleanliness and would always imagine him to be infested with sticky grossness afterwards. It would kill my desire to be touched by him. Maybe irrational, but that's the truth.

[Guest]

The one I went in was pretty clean...the whole place smelled like lysol actually. It was like going into a very small fitting room.

 

I think it's kind of gross, but ya know, gross I can handle. What I'm really trying to get a grip on here is:

 

Does being OK with peep booths increase the chance that my husband could cheat on me? Maybe it's not a reasonable question...then again, maybe it is. I sure think that strip clubs up the chances - in fact I KNOW they do as my husband has told me that he's been propositioned in them (for a price of course). But what about the peep booths?

[JackJack]

Does being OK with peep booths increase the chance that my husband could cheat on me?

 

I don't know that it will increase the chances really, but it sure wont help matters. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it reguardless. People cheat everyday, and have not even been to a strip club or peep show to do so.

[FredTravels]

I have heard that most peep booths have holes in the walls to get a guy off. You stick your willy in and someone (unknown to you by name or gender) will service you orally or manually. And then you reciprocate or not.

[Adunaphel]

The one I went in was pretty clean...the whole place smelled like lysol actually. It was like going into a very small fitting room.

 

I think it's kind of gross, but ya know, gross I can handle. What I'm really trying to get a grip on here is:

 

Does being OK with peep booths increase the chance that my husband could cheat on me? Maybe it's not a reasonable question...then again, maybe it is. I sure think that strip clubs up the chances - in fact I KNOW they do as my husband has told me that he's been propositioned in them (for a price of course). But what about the peep booths?

 

I don't think it would necessarily increase the chance of him cheating on you (a cheater is a cheater is a cheater) but it surely would increase the chances of your husband walking all over your feelings.

 

You are clearly not confortable with them.

If your H wants a peep show, tell him that he can look through your bedroom keyhole while you are undressing or putting up a little show for his leisure!!!

(that is, if you are confortable with the idea).

[JadeStar]

I have heard that most peep booths have holes in the walls to get a guy off. You stick your willy in and someone (unknown to you by name or gender) will service you orally or manually. And then you reciprocate or not.

 

I have heard of this as well. I don't know that all are like that. My husband had a friend who went to one of those peep shows like that, and there was a hole just like described and thats what he would do. He would stick his willie through the hole and and the woman on the other side would, ya know. Supposdely the owner didn't know this kind of thing was going on, yeah right, but anyway it got shut down.

[Guest]

You guys are referring to "Glory Holes". The peep booths I've seen (we went to 2 but only got a show at 1) didn't have them.

 

I have no problem with doing a show for him and actually am practicing one now, believe it or not.

 

I wish he didn't WANT to go, but he DOES, and I don't want to be unreasonable. He's already agreed to not go to strip clubs... Marriage is sometimes about compromise, right?

[JamesM]

First, you are generous in your understanding if your husband can pull the "it's just guy stuff" line. I did not know than men could get away wth that. "Guy stuff" should refer to activities that are not offensive to wives. This is not a term to describe selfish acts of lust. Letting him watch porn...even though that may be questionable...is enough.

 

Let me describe peep shows and adult bookstores. And yes, I have been to the adult bookstore but never a peep show. The idea that one watches a woman while "getting off" is a money scam to me. The woman in the booth needs tips to keep going or take more off. I am way too cynical of women in these "occupations." I know they want my money, and they view me not as anything more.

 

Adult bookstores and porn theatres range from nothing to anything goes. This includes the peep shows. The hole in the wall is kown as the "glory hole." (And BTW, I have been in a few bookstores, and ALL had the gloryholes). Most of the time the individual on the other side "doing the work" will be a man....and rarely a woman. The idea is that if I do yours, you will do mine. The hole and anonymity provides for the illusion that it is a woman unless one believes a woman puts a **** back through the hole. It also provides the opportunity for each person to spread STDs orally to one another.

 

Porn theatres are a "hotbed" for sexual activity. This depends on the place. Some are set up so that one can go into the theatre and watch a movie while being serviced by man or woman. Yes, women do go in there, but most men who go are looking for services performed by anyone. I am aware of a theatre near me that alerts its "members" via a yahoo group when a couple walks into the theatre...wonder why. It also lets members know when any "circle jerks" etc will be held. Somehow I got onto this list...when I researched theatres... and ended up getting kicked off for making a remark about STDs.

 

I cam honestly say that I have never done any of the above activities. Again, I am too cynical yo be able to create a fantasy in such a place. And in no way would I want a man near me...definitely not for me.

 

Where can you find this information? Start researching this via google. It is amazing where you will be taken and what you will learn. If anyone has a husband or boyfriend who likes to visit any of the above places, it could be innocent or it could definitely lead illicit sexual activities. Do some research as to what this place is like. Google the theatre and see where it brings you. (I certainly hope that none of my comments makes it look like I approve of this activity or am suggesting anyone does any of these things...quite the contrary).

 

So, are peep shows going to lead to cheating? Personally, I view peep shows as cheating, but if you don't...it depends on the guy. Many guys continue into activities that create more pleasure. It may not be into an affair, but it may involve other people.

[FredTravels]

A guy I worked with in retail used to go to the adult peep booths at lunch for a blow job. We always asked him "what if it was a dude?" and he said he did not care that it felt good. Now he was single and not cheating--cept maybe on his hand

[Guest]

Well after a long discussion, I decided that I am OK for him to go to peep booths if he wants provided that it doesn't detract from our sex life. It's up to him to be honest about if he's feeling that it is, and of course if I'm feeling that there's a problem I can talk to him about it (of course it may or may not have to do with peep booths).

 

Do I like the idea? No, not really, but it's kind of like his motorcycle. I'd rather him not ride as it's dangerous. But he really enjoys doing it, and I don't feel like there are any truly compelling reasons of mine that trump that.

 

With the peep booths, well, it doesn't make me happy that he wants to go but if he wants that outlet and I feel that there is no compelling reason for me to stop him, then he should be able to do it. We discussed what's allowed and what's not allowed (and why strip clubs are so totally off limits). It seemed to me that the booths we visited were no more than live porn videos (not even very good ones) with no glory holes. And if it turns out that he gets propositioned for something more than a peep show, he has agreed to tell me that.

 

It's a comforting that I feel like I can trust him again. It's either because:

 

A: I really can and that my trust in him is getting rebuilt

 

or

 

B: I'm a naive idiot doormat.

 

If I'm twice fooled, shame on me. I'm taking a major step though in trusting my husband, and if I can't do that then my marriage would likely be in worse trouble than if I just let him go be a stupid guy looking at a naked chick every once in a while. I need to be self-confident enough to not let that bother me and trust him that it will be nothing more.

 

Please wish me luck that this isn't a slippery slope or a massive faux pas.

 

Thanks for all the advice, folks!

 

Best,

 

Shelly

[JackJack]

Do I like the idea? No, not really

 

 

Then you telling him it was ok to go, was probably not the best thing to do. Wheather you gave him the go ahead or not, doesn't mean he wouldn't go anyway though. Personally i think he would have gone had you told him no. Which means he is being disrespectful of your feelings and marriage as a whole.

 

This is something you are clearly not comfortable with, but I guess you feel if you give him the green light then things will be ok?

 

"It seems to me that the booths we visited were no more than the live porn videos."

 

They are not the same really. Its one thing to view something on tv or the internet but quite another when someone can actually reach out and touch another.

 

He is going to tell you if soemone propositioned him? Do you think he will also tell you if something else were to happen?

 

I say you both enter into some marriage counseling if you both want to try to save the marriage. Anyone can cheat, sure, it doesn't mean it has to be through a peep show, but perosnally when a spouse is going to a place like that, its pretty much a receipe for disaster. JMO.

[Adunaphel]

I'm still thinking that it is not a good idea, and that you should not force yourself into thinking that peep booths are okay if they make you unconfortable just because your H gave you the "it's a guys thing" line and tried to send you into a guilt trip for trying to tell him not to do what married guys are not supposed to do anyway according to the majority of women.

 

Anyway, I really, really hope that your husband deserves your trust and can appreciate what a wonderful wife he has got.

 

Just, please, remember that you always have the option of changing your mind. Even if you just agreed with your H that strip booths are acceptable, if some time later you'll realize (hopefully, not!) that they actually are not, you are very well entitled to change your mind and request that your H does not visit such places anymore.

[catgirl1927]

Allowing a man to cheat on you does not make you self confident. Expecting someone to respect you enough to be faithful to you does not make you insecure.

 

People say that women who don't think cheating is ok are insecure so that the problem becomes the woman and not the behavior. They want to be innocent of any wrongdoing, no matter how hurtful their behavior is. People like that believe only care about themselves. That, or they want no one to think there's anything wrong with the fact that they have so little self respect they let their SO run around on them.

 

***I'm not talking about people in open relationships. If both people AGREE then it is NOT cheating.***

[JamesM]

If I'm twice fooled, shame on me. I'm taking a major step though in trusting my husband, and if I can't do that then my marriage would likely be in worse trouble than if I just let him go be a stupid guy looking at a naked chick every once in a while. I need to be self-confident enough to not let that bother me and trust him that it will be nothing more.

 

Well, I think you have been fooled more than once. And if you think letting him be a stupid guy looking at naked chicks is doing no damage, then please reread how you worded that sentence. To me that speaks volumes about the amount of respect you have for him.

 

IMHO I think you conceded to avoid a confrontation. I think you conceded to avoid not whether you trust HIM, but rather why doesn't he respect YOU enough to realize that this is demeaning to your relationship?

 

Then next thing he will convince you on will be....? First, porn. Second, peep booths.

 

I am not being judgemental, but I see you giving in when you wanted to shout no.

[Pink_Tulip]

Excellent posts Catgirl and James.

 

You develop self respect by standing by your beliefs, morals, and values. Allowing someone to disrespect you and your relationship will not help with this. This is not a matter of being a 'cool' wife, this is a matter of being compatible emotionally, spiritually, and morally, with your spouse. He does not respect your wishes. He does not care that his habbit hurts you. If he did, he wouldn't have been in those places to begin with, let alone forcing you to feel guilty about not 'allowing' him into them. He is emotionally blackmailing you into relenting to his wishes. You may think it is a great compromise now, but the resentment will build, and it will not be a pretty sight.

[Lennox]

If my man farts in bed when he's half awake, that's a guy thing to do. If he burps in the middle of sex, that's a guy thing to do. If we're out and he reaches down and pulls on his pant crotch, that's a guy thing to do. Porn and thing that go along with that are NOT "guy" things, they are selfish things.

 

If you really are ok with it, I doubt you would have posted your concerns in the first place. Be strong and examine what you think about his activities and decide what you're really ok with and what you're not. You'll save yourself years of heartbreak if you are completely honest and upfront with what your particular boundaries are. Every woman has to decide what their limits really are. In my home, I don't allow porn and I definitely don't allow strip clubs. These are my boundaries. My man has a choice. He can either abide by my boundaries which were made out of necessity, or he can leave and have all the porn and strip clubs he wants. But, please dont give in if you're not REALLY ok with it. Do you really want to be with a man that puts your feelings and heart in second place to a "peep show"? It's not just about "men being men" now is it? It's about maturity and handling a serious long term relationship with a woman in the best manner possible. A manner in which the goal is to preserve the relationship for the rest of your days on this earth. Why should we accept any less?

[Guest]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for taking the time to think about this situation and respond to my post!

 

I really appreciate the opinions and I'm giving everything lots of thought...

 

Isn't marriage about compromise though? Like I posted earlier, I wish my husband wasn't putting himself in danger on his motorcycle but he loves riding it so of course I don't disallow it. Wait, that's not compromise, that's me putting aside my worries for what he wants. Hmm.

 

But still, with the peep booths, if they don't hurt our marriage and he derives enjoyment from them then why not allow it on occasion?

 

I suppose the big question is WILL they hurt our marriage...I don't have a moral problem with them...I have a fear of them on some level though and I'm hearing here that that's warranted...

 

My husband swears that if such booths exisited with guys in them that he would be fine with me going. I don't think such things exisit though except for gay men, and therefore there is zero threat of me doing anything wrong so it's not the same thing. But then again, if it's jsut the looking at naked guys part maybe it is the same...

 

My husband hates being told that he can't do things. I do feel on some level that he is being selfish about this, but yes JamesM, you're right, I am exhausted by all of the confrontation lately. My husband said he's not even sure that he even WANTS to go back and that he might do so and decide that there's no allure any more. Should I just see if that happens?

 

If I were to change my mind, my list of reasons would be:

 

- Because you care more about seeing other naked women than about my feelings

- ????

 

I can't think of how to phrase it....suggestions for my list??? What are the rational/logical reasons instead of just the emotional ones? I know he'll respond better to those (wow, now that I've just typed that it occurs to me that my husband my not be quite so concerned about my feelings - I feel like I have to justify them with some greater rationale as I don't think he will respond enough to my emotions...that's kinda interesting...and sad...)

 

Thanks again,

 

Shelly

[JamesM]

I can't think of how to phrase it....suggestions for my list??? What are the rational/logical reasons instead of just the emotional ones? I know he'll respond better to those (wow, now that I've just typed that it occurs to me that my husband my not be quite so concerned about my feelings - I feel like I have to justify them with some greater rationale as I don't think he will respond enough to my emotions...that's kinda interesting...and sad...)

 

THAT was the revelation of the hour. He doesn't care about your emotions. As your supposedly devoted husband, your emotions being tattered should be enough.

 

What rationale do you need? Logically, he vowed to be faithful to you. That means sex is with you, for you, and about you. So, he has sex with you, he satisfies you, and sex is about how you feel and how you make him feel.

 

It is NOT about how HE feels and how he wants to jack off. If he wants to look at other women for his pleasure, then he feels that looking at you isn't enough. If he wants to jack off, while envisioning some other woman's body, then he has broken his vow to you. If he thinks that it is okay to watch women for his pleasure, I can guarantee at some point that he can just as easily rationalize that it is okay to have a woman give him a bj, because it is nothing more than a way to give him his selfish "release."

 

He says he wouldn't mind that you do it. That is easy to say because he knows you can't. So, then invite a male stripper to the house for your entertainment. Surely that is no different. Begin going to the Ladies Night at the strip club. Maybe he won't have a problem. But in your case as in his, you would be getting pleasure from watching and having another man touch you. That is what he is doing.

 

No, as a guy, I cannot see how I could justify such an action before my wife. Yes, I can see how he might enjoy it, but yes, I do think it is kinda pathetic to be trying to convince your wife that it is okay to watch other women strip and then fantasize about them while jacking off. Yes, I think it is kinda pathetic to make HER tell why it is logically wrong, when as a husband he vowed to honor and respect his wife. This kind of behavior is dishonoring and disrespectful ...period.