Just Married & Living with my mother in law-

[gig]

Hello everyone im so in need of advice! I got married with the love of my life about 3 months ago, Im 22 hes 31. Anyway hes the only son and never had a father. We live in a small apartment with 2 bedrooms and my mother in law lives with us. It all started fine until a few weeks later.

All the presents we got in our wedding are all still in boxes because she said that her plates and silverware are all still in good shape so that we dont need the new ones until hers wear our.

 

She doesnt pay rent or work! She cooks every day, prepares his lunch for the next day, she washes his clothes, she puts his uniform aside for him, and I mean this is everyday! I cant even cook or wash for my own husband. I dont even feel like his wife! I feel so depressed its like she wants to be his wife.

 

So where am I in this story? She sits in the living room all day with the control in her hand and I cant even watch tv. We live in Virginia and these past month have been so hot outside. So imagine inside my apartment it's like 90 degrees and she says that she is cold and she wont turn on the air conditioner. She tells me to buy an A/C and put it in my bedroom? I mean this is my apartment. I'm the wife. There are days when I order lunch at work and 2 hours later when I get home she expects me to eat again! Whenever i tell Them Im not hungry she will start arguing and tell him that I dont like her food etc. Sometimes I eat just to be nice.

 

Also whenever me and my husband get into any small argument she waits till he leaves and tells me that whe should have never gotten married, that our marriage is not going to last, that I need mental help etc. She made makes me feel so so bad! Yesterday I was crying and she told me that I was fake and made me feel so bad! I think all marriages have arguments of all kinds and like any other marriage theres always a make up after a fight.

 

Im very depressed I dont know what to do? I need advice.

I know how much my husband loves her specially because they have always lived toghether and that he will never ask her to leave! What can I do. I cant even comment anything about what shes doing to me or telling me bacuse he will start saying that Im the bad one. I just feel like my world is upside down! :(

[P1xie]

I'm sorry. My bf mom lives a house from us. It's hard for a mom not to be a mom.

 

She needs to step down and stay out of your guys personal lives. Kinda of hard when she's living there. Why is she living with you?

 

Does she cook and clean for you to? Maybe this is her way of paying her own way.

[whichwayisup]

Also whenever me and my husband get into any small argument she waits till he leaves and tells me that whe should have never gotten married, that our marriage is not going to last, that I need mental help etc. She made makes me feel so so bad! Yesterday I was crying and she told me that I was fake and made me feel so bad!

 

You tell him what she said.

 

And, don't let her make you cry. What she thinks/feels doesn't matter here. It's YOUR place so let her know she can't push you around and treat you like crap.

 

If he can't talk to his own mother and ask to her backoff, then it's HIS problem not yours. Just make perfectly clear to him that you won't put up with that treatment in your own home. I'm sure he'll be changing his tune soon enough - And if he doesn't, suggest to him that you go to marriage counselling to help cope with this situation.

[Ladywithafan]

my mil didn't live with us but when she came to visit it was for at least a month...Long Island to FL...anyhow...she would re-arrange everything, pick fights with me while my husband (now x-husband) was gone...it was unbelievable...I got married at 27 and divorced by 40....I was young & didn't want to cause a scene...ha!

 

If I had that marriage to do over again...I'd cause a scene...

 

my advice...walk around naked! If it's your home, time to make your presence known.

[gig]

Thank you so much for the advice!!!! You know yesturday I woke up feeling a little bit better and I decided to put out a fruit bowl that We Got When we got when we got married, Immediately she looked at me putting it out.

[gig]

Thanks for your advice*^* I called yesturday and made a doctors appointment for counseling. Its so weird I went out yesturday with my parents to eat and felt this peace and then got home and felt so depressed!

Also yesturday was really hot so I turned on the A/C and my mother in law went and put on a huge jacket and this made me feel very uncomfortable! but I didnt turn it off.

[BSG621]

I feel your pain. My mother in law has been with my husband and I for about two months. She was sick in the hospital so she stayed with us for a while to get better. Now she is better, and has been. She is not as forward as your mother in law but she is still in my space with my marriage to my husband. We have fought about this several times, as far as her living with us. I have went back and forth but now I am tired if her being there, in my marriage right were she does not belong. People at church are surprised that she is still with us. I am too. I got an answer from my husband that she will be with us for an indefinate amount of time. He is supposed to fix her house, this is not right because the whole house is falling apart. I have not said a word to her but I feel like I am at my wits end. I may leave him because she is first in his life. That is very wrong. I have worked so hard to paint my house and clean it up because I had planned on having a baby soon. She is staying where my baby room is and I am just throughly pissed. I need my space as my husbands wife. He defends her though and makes me out to be the bad guy. I will see what happens tonight. Good luck to you. I hope you will be better off than me.

[luvstarved]

I can't tell you how well I can relate to this. When my husband and I married we were both 38, I had an apartment and he lived with Mom and Dad, as he always had. They sold their house to us and bought a condo nearby but lived with us while it was being built.

 

I was the intruder, the odd one out. In this situation, you are always wrong because it is your presence that is in their minds causing the conflict. Everything was hunky dory until you came along sort of thing.

 

I don't know what to tell you. I still fight this battle but have been married for 10 years almost and have learned to live with some of it. They do not live with us but his father is quiet and reclusive and cranky and his mother is here every day, rearranging my stuff, acting like my kids' mom, and goes off on day trips with my daughter and husband when I have to work, etc. Very intrusive.

 

I was told by a counselor before we were married to remember that my husband's relationship with his parents came way before mine did, blood would be thicker than water, they would in some respects always come first, I'd be the "outsider" and I would probably lose if I tried to force him to choose. She was right.

 

The only way I learned to deal with it was to go out of my way to befriend her and stay rational. At one point she said that I was the most unpleasant person she had ever met (when my husband and I had a fairly minor argument that she nosed into) and I told her that if my husband were living with my parents, they would likely think the same thing about him,but I hoped they would have the decency and respect not to say so. A light went off in his father's head then and he kind of softened up and agreed with me. At the time, this made her livid but I let it blow over and tried to include and befriend her to some extent. At the same time, I insisted to my husband that we find a way to be alone as well. Since then, I have expressed irritation about little things she has done, and he takes it better than he used to, but I would never ever try to make him choose.

 

Meanwhile she and I have a decent relationship, we get along and I assert myself when I have to, but I try to let a lot of the little stuff go. She has told me that if we ever divorced, she would take his side even if she had to lie to do it.

 

In the short term, it is more than reasonable to at least try to get away for some weekends or something just to be with your husband.

 

What are the long term prospects here? Is this supposed to be a permanent arrangement? Or has it even been discussed? I do not know if my marriage could have withstood living with his parents long term. At least now she goes away by the end of the day...

 

Also, a silly question...what do you set your thermostat to? You should maybe make sure it is a reasonale medium...maybe you could buy her a throw blanket or warm slippers as a gift??? If she would not take it the wrong way. You're going to have to find some way of achieving civility with her if this is going to work. Meanwhile maintaining your self-respect.

 

It might even help to try to have a heart to heart with her. I know this might not sound natural right now, and she might give you the cold shoulder temporarily but if she is reasonable at all I think she will HEAR you and it might have some eventual benefit.

 

Something like, "We have a lot in common. We both love your son and we both live in the same apartment with him. I know you were here first and that you are his mother and in some ways you are first in his heart. But I am sure that you want your son to be happy, as I do, and as he does, and that is why we are husband and wife. Because we love each other. Like in all marriages, we occasionally argue, I know that you can't help but overhear some of our arguments, and I am sorry for that, but even so, they are none of your business and I must respectfully ask you not to comment on them, at least to me. We need and deserve our privacy and space as a young couple. If you and I do not find a way to be nicer to each other and learn to compromise, everybody is going to lose out and no one will be happy. I am willing to do that, and I hope that you are, too."

 

It's a toughie. Good luck.

[isha_pal]

my mil is almost same

even my husband cant leave her

and the worst part is my fil and my sis in law is also wid us

and fil also reacts the same way

as if his son is only his

hun

we also had alot of fights coz of them

my advice to u is talk to ur husband and see wat is his reaction

if he blames u

then be diplomat

and if doesnt ask him to talk to ur mil

then see wat can b done

by diplomat i mean be good wid her in front of ur h

and strict an absecnce of him

just show her that this is urs house too

and u are also smthing

dont bend for her

otherwise she will take u for granted

i must tell u BEWARE of her

and keep ur h in touch wid wat is happening in house

take him in ur confidence anyhow.......

and thats it

u'll won the battle..

[penkitten]

i am not sure why all of you have choosen to live together but it so happens that you do, and now it is time to set some ground rules and learn what you can and can not compromise on.

 

 

shes not working so she doesnt have cash money to pay for living there. this is also his mother and a man with pride probally is not going to want to ask her for money anyways. so if she wants to cook and wash dishes and wash clothes to repay the two of you for your kindness, then compromise and let her.

if there are things you dont want her to wash, put it in a basket in your room and wash it on your own time. life is too short to worry about laundry, and i promise you that one day you will have your share of laundry!!

 

cooking: you can allow her to continue cooking on most nights, however sit her down and tell her that on mondays (or whatever) you will be doing the cooking.that way your husband can sample some of your food. AND perhaps you could also ask her if on thursdays (or whatever) you could cook together and that way she can show you how she makes certain meals that your husband really does enjoy that she raised him on.( cause hey whats the harm?)

 

temperature of the home: you like it cooler and she likes it warmer, can you guys just set the temperature somewhere in the middle and compromise on it?

 

 

small spats with your husband: afterwards if she says anything to you, just simply say "i am not going to discuss the spat because it was between the two of us. everyone gets into spats sometimes and we will work this out on our own but thank you for your concern." then end it by getting up and doing something else.

 

 

i think you should have this discussion with your husband too and tell him whatever you need to, and anything you can think of to help the situation.

if its your apartment and not hers, her items should be the ones going into storage boxes. i honestly think shes trying to be nice (in her own way) and save your new stuff by using her old beat up stuff. in a way that is thoughtful because if she ever moves, all your stuff is brand new.

 

 

theres an old wives tale that 2 women can not live together. now you see where it came from.

 

his mother is not going to be around forever, and i think you should try to get to know her and where she is coming from, get along and compromise and let petty stuff go, and learn from her whatever you can. i also think that once your children get married, a mother should back off and let the married couple be, let them work their own differences out, and let them learn to take care of each other. she clearly has not done this.

 

i also think that newlyweds really should try to avoid living with anyone extra during the first few years of marriage if they can help it. however, we have all had to experience first hand hard times and that sometimes it can not be prevented. so work it out.

[Guest]

I too know how difficult it is... My husband and I have been together for the past 7 yrs. The first 4yrs. we were living with his mother and little brother. Then when we decided to move out, we were actually looking for apartments happiest weeks of my 4 yrs. His sister ask my husband to buy a house together and when the house accumulate some equity that they would then buy another house so we can split and both family will have a house of their own and extra money (SOUNDED GOOD). That's 3yrs. ago now she has 2 kids and we have 1 kid. Did I mention we have a language and religion barrier (different nationality and I'm catholic his buddist). For the past 7 yrs. I've felt like a piece of wallpaper or funiture in my own house they NEVER or rarely speak english in the house so everyday I'm in a corner pretending to exist. THIS IS ALL FOR MY HUSBAND.. and now for my BABY..

 

Let me tell you now find your own place because days becomes months and months becames years then you'll end up like me still waiting to come home because where your at now is not your HOME it's just where you live.

[ladyinwaiting]

I'd like to second everything penkitten said - that's great advice.

 

I don't live with my mother in law all the time, as she rotates between my partner, her brother and her sister. Generally, I see her for a couple of weeks a month, when it's our turn to put her up. Would I prefer she not be there? Yes, sometimes. But she's my partner's mom, he loves her and he's decent enough to care what happens to her, and I am not going to get between them.

 

My number one piece of advice is to try to befriend the woman. This may not be easy, let alone pleasurable, but it's worth it. I have almost nothing in common with my mom-in-law - no interest in craft, home decorating or babies. Plus I got off on the wrong foot be telling her firmly that I was not intending to change her son's mind about children because I didn't want them either. But I perservered - asked her questions about her son, what he was like as a boy, what he likes to eat, who were his friends, did her helo her out etc. I then asked her advice about housekeeping stuff, and occasionally even about what shoes I should wear with a dress (she's got awful taste, but if you give her two okay alternatives than it keeps the both of us happy!). On that basis, we have made as close to a friendship as two very different people can get.

 

Now, I'm fortunate that my mother in law was never abusive or dismissive of me. It doesn't sound like yours in quite as easy going. But, girl, stand up for yourself. Tell her that you appreciate her advice, but not the criticisms and demands. Don't be bitchy or mean - act the mature one. Lay some ground rules, and stick to them yourself! Make it clear you're not a naive doormat - you're the woman her son wants to spend the rest of his life with, and whether she wants to or not she has to accept that.

 

The aircon calls for a compromise, but if you can't make a deal over who watches the tellie at any given time, buy a second. A small secondhand one won't cost much, and is worth it to remove a source of tension. Trust me on this. Does it really matter if you occasionally have to watch it in your room? You could sit in there with a high-powered airconditioner and do whatever you wanted.

 

I really don't understand why you don't like her doing the laundry, but if you really want to do it yourself, I'm sure she'll let you. As penkitten said, she's probably repaying your hospitality by doing the chores. Say you need to learn how to do all that - maybe even insist. Push the remote into her hand and bring her a cup of coffee or something. If she demands to do the laundry, then she's clearly crazy. But why not let her? Laundry sucks anyway. I wish my mother-in-law would do it when she was here!

 

The situation isn't ideal, but prehaps you should try to make the most of it. I mean, girl, she's doign your laundry. Never underestimate the value of that!

[RecordProducer]

Did you know prior to the wedding that you would live with your MIL? Is this temporary or permanent?

 

I advise you to move out and rent an apartment for yourself. If he loves you, he should follow you. Obviously money is a huge problem if you have to live with her. If worse comes to worse perhaps you could build a house with two separate entrances and she could be apart from you?

 

Don't fool yourself that you will ever be happy if you stay to live with her. At least tel your husband how you feel and ask him to tell her to NOT interfere and that it's your home too. If he doesn't change anything then all you can do to save yourself from the misery is to leave.

 

It will take a couple years to get over him. And two lifetimes won't be enough for you to get along with your MIL and be happy.