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Am I picking on him?


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Old 22nd July 2006, 12:27 PM   #1
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Am I picking on him?

I have been in my current relationship for a long time. I have children and I have always considered myslef to be pretty fortunate in the fact that I had a caring husband, who was kind and easy to be with and a good father...make that a great father.

Lately however, I have become increasingly dissatisfied with life. I keep talking to my husband about the future and what I really want to do with my life. I am relatively happy in my job, even though it is stressful at times, but I dont want to do it forever. I also want to change where we live to somewhere where we have more space and freedom. Thats about all, its about chasing my dreams, dreams that I realise are within reach now I am getting older and have some financial backing after working for the past few years.

However, my husband never wants to discuss any of this, he doesnt like discussing anything that is further away from tomorrow - he cant even sit and discuss our family holiday, or getting a dog, or what type of car we should get.
Today I had enough and asked why it is so hard to talk about our future. He told me "It doesnt matter what we do, you are never going to be happy. I dont want to think about any of that stuff because I am content....its just you". That really hurt, as I have always been patient, tried to approach things with a positive angle.
I have always been careful about how I start conversations. He has accused me of being 'overreactive' about things before, but as I see it, he doesnt listen when I say things the first five times over six months and when I yell at him the sixth time, suddenly Im overreactive and "whoa, where has this come from"

I dont feel that It is fair, I dont expect change tomorrow, I just want to talk about it so that we know if we want the same things. He said "Why do you need my approval, just do whatever you want" I just want a good/better life for my family, but he always reduces everything down to us as individuals...me versus him.

Am I being picky about wanting a direction from him about what he wants to do with OUR life together?

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Old 22nd July 2006, 7:24 PM   #2
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One word: Compromise. Trying to approach things with a positive attitude is great, as long as you take his feelings and opinions into consideration. You're supposed to make decisions together, and to me it sounds like you've already made the decisions for both of you. You remind me alot of my wife, who always wants things to be exactly the way she pictures them. If you've been together for 12 years your husband should know you pretty good, so when he says you'll never be happy no matter what you do, there might actually be something in what he's saying. Ask him without being defensive about it. I'm not letting your husband off the hook here, but you need to make decisions both of you could live with. However, your needs and feelings about things are important too, but your husband doesnt have to feel the same way. Both have to give in a little.
Just my opinion...
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Old 22nd July 2006, 7:30 PM   #3
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he did tell you

that he was content with where he is and how things are.

are you dismissive of that?

what is so wrong with where you are?
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Old 23rd July 2006, 1:27 AM   #4
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I get your points. However I think I need to clarify this. These 'changes' that I am meant to compromise with, are just discussions. I dont expect anything to happen tomorrow, its more about talking about what we both want for the future.

I feel that he is reluctant to talk about where we want to be in ten years time - because he is happy now, and so am I...all that I am saying is that I dont want to do what I m doing now for the rest of my life, and it is worth discussing. I think that I am compromising, because I have already agreed to stay as things are for at least another 5 years...all I want is the discussion about the future, not immediate change.

Is wanting to talk about the future being uncompromising?
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Old 23rd July 2006, 3:12 AM   #5
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roiling the waters

If you discuss a dissatisaction about your life in vague terms, someone who's happy won't understand, especially a happy man.

See, he will take it personally, that he is the source of your ennui.

If you give him specific things that you want to correct or accomplish in your life that present direction doesn't allow for, then he might understand better and get all goal oriented on you.

One thing you risk, is in your quest for satisfaction in your life, is that you blow your happiness on a chimera.
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Old 23rd July 2006, 5:56 AM   #6
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I think you have answered my question, and it looks like I am picking on him...

I agree that sometimes I am too quick to think of ways that our life could be better, and he may see that as being focused on him.

I am reasonably happy with my life, and my job and I know I shouldnt let my quest for an easier life get in the way of his present happiness. I just wish that he was a better communicator of what he wants - such as what he personally wants for the future, and what he wants to do for a living etc . Then at least I would feel that we could work towards it together....but he just wont give me any idea about what he wants!!! after all I want him to be happy too.

I find that I want 'better', such as a different job with less hours and less stress so I could spend more time with my kids, live in a different place that is a calmer environment for our children. He just wants to keep things as they are, because he is content with who he is, his lifestyle and what he contributes to our family (even though he does not work, I know that he contributes in other ways) I know that me discussing changing jobs is a worry to him, because we have both been setting up our lives for years in this 'direction', I have done a LOT of extra hours, and jumped through hoops in my profession to climb the ladder, and because of this we are more comfortable. I could walk away from it tomorrow, but I know I have a responsibility to tough it out.

I know that I am being ufair wanting to talk about what I want for the distant future, but, I cant help wanting a break.
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Old 23rd July 2006, 6:38 PM   #7
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Some people fear change. Maybe your husband is one of them?
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Old 23rd July 2006, 6:59 PM   #8
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Try a new approach. Instead of, "Honey, I'd like to talk about our future!" (I can see tyhe eye's rolling and glazing over, the breath quickening and the mind churning to figure a way out), come up with something definitive then ask for his input.

For example, before my wife and I married 10 years ago I made it clear that I did not want to retire in Califolrnia but wished to move to the south-east where I've lived a number of times before (thanks to the military) and she has as well. She said she'd follow me anywhere and I took her at her word. Over the past several years I've done a lot of research on about eight states (weather, cost of living, real estate, crime index, tax structures, medical care, you name it). I'ved kept her fully informed and involved and we've narrowed things down to two states that are looking good. Since I retire in four years (she retired four years ago, with my blessing), next year we start travelling back to look at specific vicinities during different times of the year to further narrow things down.

It's a concrete and collaborative effort that's inclusive If you can draw your husband in this way, perhaps he'll start to feel some excitement. Research a few places, present them and ask what he thinks rather than just floating an idea
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