Guest_23 Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 I have been engaged for approx. 4 months now to an amazing man I've known for a year...I feel as though he is my soulmate...and I love him very much...I would love for us to live a happy life together. his past: works full-time. income just under $60,000. didn't finish college. one child with gf #1 they reside in the United States...he has not seen the child or paid support for him since he was born. I guess the two of them work out this arragement for the betterment of the child. two children with gf #2/lived common-law/then & now wife...they separated because of her irrational behaviour (people call her "psycho")...and she used the kids to hurt him emotionally and such...he stopped paying for the children when he met me (approx. 1 year) because she denied paternity and refused him to have access...she recently (May) filed for divorce and wants full custody...alimony...child support...and anything else she can get...my fiance knew that this could all happen at any given time...but when he met me he was telling me that he wanted to have 2-4 kids...I stay home with them to raise them, etc...but I don't see how that would be possible given the fact that he'll likely have to pay back-support for his ex and kids as well as legal fees...and payments for 16 more years...and possibly more depending on schooling/disability...etc...(he'd be paying approx. $20,000 for alimony and child support/yr) so he'll likely bring home $22,000/yr. right now, he's the only income earner so the $22,000 would be for us (two adults)...to live on...until I am done school... Recently, he has told me that he can't guarantee anything as far as finances go...because he's still in the midst of getting everything sorted out with his past. (I know that one of the leading causes of relationship breakdowns can be due to money problems). Finances play a huge role in future planning. My past: no marriage. no kids. going back to school this fall. Should be done in April 2008. My questions... Do you think I should wait to see what happens with his past, then plan our future? Is it right for me to wear a ring at this time? (he's separated currently and divorce will be occuring in the future.) what are your feelings based on the information I've provided... YOUR COMMENTS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!! *HUG* Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Wait, right now there is nothing that he can tell you for certain. He needs to get his past sorted out and you need to keep yourself seperate from that till its all done. Also wait to do ANYTHING with him till the papers are signed for the divorce. Right now you still need ot look after yousrelf, and in fact I would check out a lawyer to make sure that your funds are safe from any back pay that he is going to have to pay out (if you have combined finances or the like) tkae care of yourself before you plan a future with him Link to post Share on other sites
justagirliegirl Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Wondering how long he was separated before you started going out with him? This guy has huge red flags. He has 2 exs. He has abandoned 3 children and does not provide for any of them. Beware of someone who refers to their ex as psycho. You are only hearing one side of the story. Judging by his past history, you could possibly have 2-3 children with him that he would eventually abandon too. Link to post Share on other sites
Questionable Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 he was separated for 4-5 months before we started dating. I have spoken with his ex. She was very angry at the time. She does appear to be "a bit off" though. Link to post Share on other sites
Questionable Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 currently we are living together. We have been living together for approx. 1 year. I've been with him to go see his lawyer and I have asked if I have to pay for anything with his past...the lawyer said I had no responsibilities what-so-ever to his past...He's financially responsible for the kids and his ex...BUT...if I am working and he quits his job then I may have to pay...based on investigation...if we ever work at the same place...that's a red flag to be investigated to see if his income is less and I make more than the norm...I also believe if I ever acted as "mother" to his children...if we ever split I may be held responsible for child support...because I acted as their mother... Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 currently we are living together. We have been living together for approx. 1 year. I've been with him to go see his lawyer and I have asked if I have to pay for anything with his past...the lawyer said I had no responsibilities what-so-ever to his past...He's financially responsible for the kids and his ex...BUT...if I am working and he quits his job then I may have to pay...based on investigation...if we ever work at the same place...that's a red flag to be investigated to see if his income is less and I make more than the norm...I also believe if I ever acted as "mother" to his children...if we ever split I may be held responsible for child support...because I acted as their mother... Wow! Where are you getting this "legal" advice. None of it is true! Did HE tell you that? I don't even know where to start with this. All I can say is that you've made a BIG mistake with this guy. I hope you realize that sooner rather than later. He does have so many red flags as another poster has pointed out. And I REALLY want to know who told you that you can ever in any way, be legally responsible for HIS kids? What country do you live in? That's nuts! Please realize that you can do much, much better than this loser. I pray that you won't have children with him. He will leave you just as surely as he left the others. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Wow! Where are you getting this "legal" advice. None of it is true! Did HE tell you that? Oh my! I second this. Where do you live??? First of all, visitation has nothing to do with child support. Even if he's not having visitation he's expected to pay child support. Period. He's abandoned two women and multiple children. You need to listen to me carefully- he will do the same thing to you if you guys ever separate/divorce. I would NEVER consider marrying a guy who wouldn't support his children- regardless of the situation. He's not a man, in my opinion. A man supports his children, otherwise he shouldn't have them. My stepfather was this guy earlier in life. Of course his story was that his two exwifes cheated on him etc. I kept telling my mother there was two sides to every story once I got older. He had never paid child support until she started writing the checks and had been locked up a couple of times. He gave up custody of a daughter when she was 8 months old because of something. Later on I found out why. He's a sexual predator. I'm almost positive he sexually abused this daughter because he tried it with me. They had a son together as well (my half brother) who he was never a father to. Never played ball with him, took him anywhere, NOTHING. My stepfather was a lazy ass man who wouldn't be involved with his two prior children so I'm not sure why my mom thought he'd be a good father to me and to my brother?? You will forever have to deal with this in one way or another. I can see why he might want to be with someone who makes good money- to support his sorry ass. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. You do not know the other side of the story- only what he's telling you. You cannot listen to his friends or family either because they are bias. Wouldn't you be psycho if your man left you and didn't support his kids?? Do you not feel sorry for these children??? I would always be aware of the fact that he's trashed these women as well. A man who talks bad about the mother of his children has issues as well. Instead of jumping into a new relationship he should have gotten some counseling for himself. I'm not trying to be harsh here even though it sounds like it. I'm just being honest. If he doesn't support his children, I don't care if he's got a gold unit- is the best lover I've ever had- makes 100K a year and treats me like a queen. The fact that he treats his children like crap is the thing you need to focus on. That's the true test of a man's character. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 He's abandoned two women and multiple children. You need to listen to me carefully- he will do the same thing to you if you guys ever separate/divorce. I would NEVER consider marrying a guy who wouldn't support his children- regardless of the situation. He's not a man, in my opinion. A man supports his children, otherwise he shouldn't have them. True that. There's just no excuse good enough for not taking care of your kids. And we're not talking about an isolated incident, because here are TWO different mothers, each of whom are not receiving any child support. You say you love this guy, Guest 23.... but I hope you're not being blinded by your emotions. There are ALOT of red flags here. You could theoretically be third in line for child support if you have kids and things end up going downhill. And if his first two 'baby-mamas' catch up with him.... you'll be supporting him for years on end, because he'll be too busy paying back CS and legal fees to help you with the bills. You might consider talking with a financial planner before you get in too deep. I'll be honest.... I'm with Mz.Pixie on this. There's absolutely NO WAY I'd marry a man who wasn't taking care of his kids. It wouldn't matter to me what his excuse was either. It says something about this guy's character that he's willing to financially support his girlfriend.... but not his own children. Link to post Share on other sites
Questionable Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 I live in Ontario, Canada. Link to post Share on other sites
Questionable Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 He hasn't been paying for child support because she told him the two children were not his. I've based her behaviour and actions as "psycho" as well...I've never been in her position...but she broke into his house...the cops had to be involved...she's a careless mother...or in my opinion mentally delayed (women should need a license to have children)...the one kid got hit by a car when she was walking with kids on the side of the road...and the kid ran out into traffic...and she left the other one outside in the cold when she broke in...during the winter... I am not working right now...and probably won't be working for atleast 2 years...so I have no income... I do feel badly for the kids...who wouldn't...they didn't sign up for this...(currently, the youngest doesn't remember the bio-dad, supposedly the older one 4yrs talks about him sometimes...they know her new bf as daddy now) personally...and I have told him this...he should put the kids as his #1 and try to get custody of them...for their own benefit...but he doesn't want to spend his money on court fees and lawyers to possibly not get his kids... He tried to get therapy before they split, she refused...so he went alone...the therapist agreed that he was a-okay...and gave him advise...on how to deal with the situation...but his ex took off with the kids and he didn't let her back in... Link to post Share on other sites
Questionable Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 There is no excuse..he was paying child support up unitl she denied him the right to see them and paternity. (this is the wife with two kids) The first gf with her child agreed it would be best if he stayed out of the child's life...because she lived in the States...he lives in Canada...they didn't want the child being sent to and fro...she agreed to no support/visits/contact... His wife has already begun the process to divorce, get support for herself and the two children...he will most likely have to pay back support for the last year...and then begin to pay them support...until his responsibility is up...I am not sure about the first gf, since she's in the U.S. and has not even tried to get support for the last 10 years...she's was in Oklahoma...she did file legal papers to obtain child support...but she dropped it because they agreed for him not to obtain custody...(his mother thinks the kid may not be his) There has not been any testing to prove paternity...on any of the kids...but kids #2 and #3 will probably be tested to obtain child support...his lawyer explained even if he is not the father...he acted as father...and will have some obligation to support the children...but it would be significantly different than if he were the father... Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 (his mother thinks the kid may not be his) There has not been any testing to prove paternity...on any of the kids...but kids #2 and #3 will probably be tested to obtain child support...his lawyer explained even if he is not the father...he acted as father...and will have some obligation to support the children...but it would be significantly different than if he were the father... Hmmmm- it's amazing that none of these kids may be his. Do you see a pattern here?? My stepfather also told my mother that those kids were "probably not his" but yet he never got tested. The first one may never come back and try to get child support yeah because of the sitch. She may be just fine without him. Again, all you have to go by is what his family says and what he says. Unless you've actually seen all of these things go on you don't really know. There is too much that goes into the dynamics of a marriage to be explained and the only two people who know what really goes on is the two involved. There is his story, her story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. A woman can do alot when her marriage breaks up- especially depending on the circumstances. Most people get really emotional when their marriage breaks up. Unless you've ever been in that situation you can't know what I'm talking about but people do things that they wouldn't normally do. And again, I just don't exactly believe his mouth is a prayer book- based on the fact that he's had two failed relationships with children that he doesn't see or support. So, I'd question anything he said about all of that. What would even make you get involved with someone like this?? Did he not tell you to begin with?? I would have ran like the wind. Link to post Share on other sites
Questionable Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 We met online...I only knew about the wife with the two kids...he told me later about the ex-gf with the child in the states... I love how I felt like I knew him forever as soon as we met...we grew up in the same area...so there are somethings we just get...without talking about it in depth...we get along amazingly well...We love spending all of our time together...We are happy together...I just worry about finances...because that can put a huge strain on a relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 You are just the new girl now...he has a life he needs to owe to. He had those kids not you so quit harping about it. If you don't like it then you should have chose a man who wasn't quick to quit on his family. It is HIS RESPONSIBILITY. HIS CHILDREN! You have only been with him 1 yr. That woman before you knows more about him than you do...wait until you're the one he's ditching with kids then harp. It seems you are so interested in his money so why shouldn't his kids be. You are the OTHER WOMAN so just sit back and hang on for the ride..you're the third time around for this guy ready in waiting to recieve all of the crap the women before you put up with. If you are smart, you'd not have kids with this guy so you won't end up where she is now. Right now it's still butterflies and fireworks...those sparks will snuff out. He can't settle for one girl. Marriage takes WORK through good and bad..thick and thin...committment for better or for worse and he's already proven he can't handle the vows. You are the one with the baggage.. the kids are not the baggage! There is a very good reason that guy goes through so many women and can't keep them. I have been engaged for approx. 4 months now to an amazing man I've known for a year...I feel as though he is my soulmate...and I love him very much...I would love for us to live a happy life together. his past: works full-time. income just under $60,000. didn't finish college. one child with gf #1 they reside in the United States...he has not seen the child or paid support for him since he was born. I guess the two of them work out this arragement for the betterment of the child. two children with gf #2/lived common-law/then & now wife...they separated because of her irrational behaviour (people call her "psycho")...and she used the kids to hurt him emotionally and such...he stopped paying for the children when he met me (approx. 1 year) because she denied paternity and refused him to have access...she recently (May) filed for divorce and wants full custody...alimony...child support...and anything else she can get...my fiance knew that this could all happen at any given time...but when he met me he was telling me that he wanted to have 2-4 kids...I stay home with them to raise them, etc...but I don't see how that would be possible given the fact that he'll likely have to pay back-support for his ex and kids as well as legal fees...and payments for 16 more years...and possibly more depending on schooling/disability...etc...(he'd be paying approx. $20,000 for alimony and child support/yr) so he'll likely bring home $22,000/yr. right now, he's the only income earner so the $22,000 would be for us (two adults)...to live on...until I am done school... Recently, he has told me that he can't guarantee anything as far as finances go...because he's still in the midst of getting everything sorted out with his past. (I know that one of the leading causes of relationship breakdowns can be due to money problems). Finances play a huge role in future planning. My past: no marriage. no kids. going back to school this fall. Should be done in April 2008. My questions... Do you think I should wait to see what happens with his past, then plan our future? Is it right for me to wear a ring at this time? (he's separated currently and divorce will be occuring in the future.) what are your feelings based on the information I've provided... YOUR COMMENTS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!! *HUG* Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 he was separated for 4-5 months before we started dating. I have spoken with his ex. She was very angry at the time. She does appear to be "a bit off" though. You are trying to justify his behavior. It's not hard to find out if a child is biological or not. The guy is a flake. My ex husband tried to say the kids weren't his to get out of paying the child support (I had never even been with anyone else). He tells people I'm psycho... even after a restraining order hearing where the judge granted a restraining order for me AGAINST HIM, but not one against me! This guy sounds the same as my dead beat ex, who hasn't seen his kids in months (which he blames me for... apparently we live too far- 2 hours by plane). I wouldn't deal with that if I were you. Those poor kids. Oh, and I wouldm't encourage him to "take his kids" unless they are in real (not exaggerated) danger... the kids don't need to leave their mother for somone they don't even know. Also, I just saw this guy who didn't pay child support to this poor woman for years... the kids were 18 and older... he got smacked with years (and thousands of dollars) of child support! You guy will never escape this... he needs to just pay up. I get the feeling you are going to do what you want anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts