ConfusedGal Posted May 30, 2006 Share Posted May 30, 2006 Hi, I am 27, and have been married almost 4 years to a fantastic guy (he is 32). We knew each other for YEARS before we got married. We love each other a LOT, and are each others' best friend...We are also very affectionate, hugs, kisses, cuddling etc. But we barely have sex. Like we have literally had gaps of 3 months which is really unusual for a young couple... Its weird. Before we got married, my husband had such a high libido. We basically did everything but "actually have sex" before we got married cause I kind of wanted to wait on that...Its not a problem which has just started now. Its been pretty much since we got married. Initially, itw as my fault. I would always push him away when he wante dto make love cause it still physically hurt me. But the last year or two I have been instigating sex, and he pretty much never does... we went away on vacation over Christmas to India to visit his folks. Over there, his libido went SKY HIGH! I mean, we made love like every day. And here, we have these gaps. And even when we make love, my husband cant keep "it up" too long. Its like he really doesnt enjoy it but just pretends...And weirdly for those two weeks when we were in India he wanted me all the time... We have gone through SOOO much crap together due to my family here...I think the initial time of our marriage when we should have been getting to know each other intimately was wasted in misery due to my family... Maybe when we are away from this atmosphere it helps..But yet when we go on vacation anywhere else, we STILL dont make love.. When I have talked to him about it, he gets all defensive and depressed...And then he feels pressured and cannot perform anyways... I love my husband a LOT and he loves me a lot. A lot of time i feel however, that we are too much each others best friend, and too little lovers. And we are both very physicially attractive people. we dont have any kids. And I am definitely in shape and so is he. I mean, he always tells me how pretty I am, but never "shows" me...It hurts when I see guy checking me out, and my husband has me to himself but doesnt initiate love making. I mean, I told him about this crazy sexy dream I had about him last week and what a turn on it was and he will say things like "Oh, thats hot. Lets make it happen." and then we never do...Most guys would be SO turned on if a woman told them a sexy dream about them... Any advice?? I would NEVER leave my husband cause of something like this! Its not important enough to me for that, but I would love us to have a more normal and better sex life... Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 It sounds like he may suffer from depression. Maybe due in part to the fact that he is so far away from his family and the society he grew up in. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 This is really his problem, not yours. Unless he wants to adress it head-on, nothing will change. He needs to see a therapist and he needs to want to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted May 31, 2006 Author Share Posted May 31, 2006 We did make love yesterday. But again, it didnt seem like he enjoyed it...Just one of those things we did...He claims he enjoyed it, but I can tell that he didnt... I think he has issues with me...Like I am not this "wifey" wife he wanted... I cant keep the house clean and "organized" and as he says "I have no system for anything." I think this turns him off. But arent these normal issues with a couple?? I mean, everyone has pet peeves and annoyances but do those really affect their intimacy so much?? My husband is definitely not depressed....I think though he loves me, he just finds a lot of stuff about me annoying which is a turn off for him. On the other hand, I am not a house wife. I am an attorney that works as many hours as he does. But he does his share around the house. I will give him that... I know I am not very good at organization and all. I mean, I try but am just not so great at it! But does that result in a lack of intimacy even though I am a nice attractive woman? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 ...I know I am not very good at organization and all. I mean, I try but am just not so great at it! But does that result in a lack of intimacy even though I am a nice attractive woman? According to Willard Harley, yes, it can. Men typically have a deepseated emotional need (EN) to have their wife provide a calm, pleasant domestic environment for them. Just the fact that you are an attorney does not change his longing for this. It IS a bit unusual for the desire for sex (which for men is typically the strongest EN.) to be dampened by a messy house. I agree that 98% of the men out there would be happy to kick aside the clutter and then rip your pants off. However, your husband is a unique individual. Please read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. In it, you'll find advice that YOU do whatever it takes to provide a tidy home. You and your H can get creative, and you probably can afford to hire a cleaning service or a part-time housekeeper. It may not seem fair, but I believe it will be effective. Naturally, this is a two-way street, and he needs to be fulfilling YOUR ENs too - like the EN for sex and physical affection. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 According to Willard Harley, yes, it can. Men typically have a deepseated emotional need (EN) to have their wife provide a calm, pleasant domestic environment for them. Just the fact that you are an attorney does not change his longing for this. It IS a bit unusual for the desire for sex (which for men is typically the strongest EN.) to be dampened by a messy house. I agree that 98% of the men out there would be happy to kick aside the clutter and then rip your pants off. However, your husband is a unique individual. Please read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. In it, you'll find advice that YOU do whatever it takes to provide a tidy home. You and your H can get creative, and you probably can afford to hire a cleaning service or a part-time housekeeper. It may not seem fair, but I believe it will be effective. Naturally, this is a two-way street, and he needs to be fulfilling YOUR ENs too - like the EN for sex and physical affection. Good luck! Great post, Solemate! In fact, after reading your post, I will turn off the computer and get that book!! I can't thank you enough. I didn't think that I'd find useful advice for myself in this thread, and I did! Yes, I was going to suggest the part-time house keeper. I have one coming in every day so that the house is always neat and tidy by the time I come home from work. It is worth every dollar! As for your 'asexual' husband, again, I really think that he has to want to please you sexually. Suggest marriage counselling and then bring up the sex issue. I know some men will refuse sex as a form of control. And then there are those who prefer pleasing themselves. Whatever it is, he has to want to address it. I am having a different problem with my husband of 10 years, and I will get that book suggested by solemate. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 I'm curious about all the passion during your India visit - clearly he's capable of feeling passion for you, so there must have been something about being there that brought it out. I know in Indian culture, men are revered, and definitely wear the pants in the family. Wives usually take the traditional homemaker/mom roles (generally, though not always and it's changing with the younger tech generation). Could it be that being in that environment during your visit made him feel like the 'big man' again? Was he getting a lot of strokes from his mom and other female family members? Did the men in his family treat him like the successful hero living in the West? Maybe your career makes him feel insecure about his standing in your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted May 31, 2006 Author Share Posted May 31, 2006 I DO think he feels more content, relaxed and happier in India being around his folks. And yes, he feels more like "the man". Not in a stereotypical man way, but it brings back the feelings of his youth and how "cool" he was. Like he was Mr. Popular back in the day, women loved him and thought he was hot, kids admired him etc. Basically, he was a hero... He doesnt get that here to that extent... So I think that has something to do with it also... Here, its just the stress of work and routine life I suppose. And at some level, I do think he wanted someone a bit different (ok, a lot different) from me... Someone who was ultra feminine, and always carries herself really well, always has her nails done, keeps the house beautiful, is organized etc... Someone who is stronger and more in control as a person. I am the opposite of that... I mean, beyond the education and job, I dont have much of that... I am pretty, but I am not the ultra feminine girl whose nails are always perfect and hair is always perfect... I am messy... I have improved but I am generally kind of messy and not so organized... I cry easily, and go through bouts of depression so I am not in control very much...I am very indecisive... But I also have qualities he loves like a great heart, not much malice for anyone, I am really funny, creative, smart... At the core of my heart, i know he loves me a lot, but maybe expected different qualities in a wife...And he "jokingly" makes the comment that "Man! I thought I would marry someone who would help me ORGANIZE my life!" and when I look at him he says "You know im kidding!" So I guess there ARE deeper issues connected to the physical ones...I mean, again we love each other, and are very good friends...But sometimes maybe the friend thing goes too far... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted May 31, 2006 Author Share Posted May 31, 2006 Also, he is not insecure about my career but is quite proud of it, so thats not it... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 A lot of sexual issues between couples stem from other problems. It might be that he needs more strokes at home - he needs to feel that he is your hero in every way, and that you think he's 'the man', that he is your Mr. Popular, that you think he's hot. It sounds like you're doing some of that (with the dream thing and all), but maybe you could kick it up a notch and see what happens? It can be little things like grabbing his butt as you pass by him in the bathroom, or making sure to tell him during sex how hot he is and how wonderful he feels to you. If you have a stressful job, I can see how it would be difficult for you to focus on getting things organized at home and on paying him all the attention he'd like to have from you. That's something that you two can work out by mapping out who will be responsible for what and then following through, and scheduling 'date night' or other time alone together. I'm fresh out of ideas otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted May 31, 2006 Author Share Posted May 31, 2006 I already tell him alll the time that he is my hero and how hot he is... He acts all happy but in reality, I dont think it makes a difference to him... Sigh.. We are fine in most areas of our marriage but this one is a downer (literally!) Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Perhaps you could try to put on some of the characteristics that he wants at some times?? I'm not saying change for him but more do something that he would like. For instance, every once in a while- totally pamper him and treat him like he's a king. Dress in a feminine nightgown and get all dolled up for him the way you think he'd like. Do these things in private and pretend to be a typical Indian wife every once in while. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I'm going out on a limb and suggesting there may be a porn problem. Some men get hooked on internet porn and go there for the sexual needs rather than their spouses. The fact that her was sexually interested in you when you were on vacation -- and away from his computer -- makes me suspect that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I'm going out on a limb and suggesting there may be a porn problem. Some men get hooked on internet porn and go there for the sexual needs rather than their spouses. The fact that her was sexually interested in you when you were on vacation -- and away from his computer -- makes me suspect that. Never thought of that!! CG what do you say? Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 If it's a porn problem, then you have a lot of hope, OP. The fact that his libido instantly came back while you were on vacation tells me that you caught this early on and there's a good chance of salvaging the relationship. Other than that, when someone goes back to India after being in the US, they DO come back as heroes and they usually bring all sorts of trinkets and gifts back home. Although things are getting better for women slowly in India, they still serve in a subservient role and are the loving caretakers of the family. We women that have or have had careers where we are fighters have to concentrate on keeping the balance in place and "changing clothes" so to speak when we get home. It's easy to keep posturing in our assertive roles when we get home if we've been doing it all day. Even when we argue, we tend to use the same tactics as if we were in negotiations or arguing in front of an arbitrator or judge if we don't catch ourselves. I'll bet that on your vacation, you were so far removed from your work environment that you were able to relax and be the loving, supportive wife without the pressures of having fought all day long. Think back and remember how different you talked to him, looked at him, and behaved around him and try to recreate that in your life now in the evenings. It takes a lot of work to do, but you can do it. You have the motivation and love to make it happen. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 Porn...Interesting thought. There is an awful lot of porn on our computer dropdown menu, but he "claims" they are all popups. Lol! (I know what the only pop-up there is!!hehe!) I am honestly not someone who cares if he looks at porn. But if it affects our relationship, then it might be an issue... But in all honestly, I just think he feels like a hero and more manly back home in India. And to some extent likes to see me as "wifey wife" over there with his family and all... Like I said, here is work stress and the same ol... OK, teh greatest sex we have had! We were at the bombay airport overnight and went to crappy hotel to stay the night (reaaaallllly shady) and saw two hookers coming out of this guys room. Seeing that was so raunchy, even though we were exhausted, we went at it in this dirty shady hotel..It was that "forbidden" thing I guess..Over here, everything is so routine...Same problems, same work, same bed, same us. Its the same even when we go on vacation...(except India!) Link to post Share on other sites
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