this is rippping me appart

[malek]

Ok this is my situation tell me what you think.

 

I’m 24 yo and I have 2 kids a beautiful boy of 2 ½ and a beautiful girl of 1 1/2. I have been with my spouse for the last 4 years.

 

We met at school and she got pregnant very fast (the doctor had told us she was unable to have kids so we removed the condom) We both decided to keep him, then 9months later we learn she is pregnant again and I’m given a choice stay or leave but she was not getting aborted. Fine I decide to stay and I love both my kids the same.

 

Now my biggest problem is with my sex life. See I used to be fat I mean I was 5,8 300 lbs the year prior to meeting my spouse I lost 120 lbs. And I just started meeting girls ( from the age of 12 to 20 I got almost nothing, since I had 0 self esteem )

 

My spouse is an ex stripper she used to be wild and do coke and all that stuff. She had all her sexual experience done by the time she met me. I have not. Other then the usual vanilla sex here and there nothing serious.

 

Now I find my self wanting to experience WITH my spouse but she refuses to try anything new. This is starting to weigh a lot on me. I mean I love my kids and I love her but there is this primal voice in me that just want to go out there and have some fun for once in my life. She wants nothing to do with it. But the more time goes the more I find my self falling away from her.

 

I have had the opportunity to cheat on her on many occasions over the last year but I blatantly refused to allow my self to. I do not believe in cheating since I saw first hand how it destroyed my family.

 

My life was boring I was a nerd my entire high school period and I only got out of that when I starting working out and when I finally got my self confidence back is when I meat my girlfriend. My bar phase lasted a whole 2 weeks. I never really partied other than with my few friends I used to have.

 

So now I’m 24 stuck in a relationship that is getting harder and harder to bear with 2 kids that I love above everything else. But I feel trapped and the feeling is not going away..

 

What should I do???

[Annacabana]

I would stop thinking about myself and think about my wife and children. Why would you want to cause them so much pain for just sex? It would probably be pretty exciting and then after the orgasm you will be left with a guilt that won't go away.

You had your chance before you got married if you wanted to have lots of sex with different women. Now is the time to focus on what you have, not what could have been because we only get one chance in this life and the pain and heartache you would cause ,would last a lifetime. You say that you love your kids, well then do what is best for them and love their mom and except her for who she is, even if that means vanilla sex for the rest of your life. This is what love is...

 

Love is patient, Love is kind,

It does not envy, it does not boast,

It is not proud, It is not rude,

It is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs.

 

Love does not delight in evil,

but rejoices with the truth.

 

Love always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

 

Love bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things.

 

Love never ends.

 

L o v e N e v e r F a i l s

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html

[Outcast]

With all due respect, religion's not going to help. Ask you wife to see a counsellor with you to talk about this. If the situation gets to the point where you are seriously considering ending the marriage because of this, then tell her that it's the counsellor or divorce. She may have some issues now because of how she was living her life, but she doesn't get to foist them on you.

 

OTOH, it's possible she has some grievance with you which is making her feel less than cooperative. Either way, you two need professional help.

 

Good luck!

[Chump64]

Are you clearly communicating your needs with her? If you are, and she is refusing to listen to you, have you tried counseling?

 

Don't make excuses about being nerdy and fat, and not getting any sex b/c you were a dork, etc. Those are rationales you are thinking of b/c you want sex with other women. Is new and exciting sex worth losing your family over? Do you love your wife? It's not clear.

 

Lots of infidelity starts when there are very young kids in the house. (My husband and I are a prime example.) You two get into the same old routine and sex is pretty limited b/c everyone is so tired and busy. Try to talk about it and get counseling. If that doesn't work, skip the cowardly route (cheating), and ask for a divorce.

 

Good luck.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

 

So now I’m 24 stuck in a relationship that is getting harder and harder to bear with 2 kids that I love above everything else. But I feel trapped and the feeling is not going away..

 

What should I do???

 

Please, please see a marriage counselor. Do not succumb to cheating or divorce. You would not feel trapped if you are doing everything you can for your family. And you are way too young to feel trapped.

[whichwayisup]

have had the opportunity to cheat on her on many occasions over the last year but I blatantly refused to allow my self to. I do not believe in cheating since I saw first hand how it destroyed my family.

 

Remember this. That is what will keep you from cheating on your wife and children. You KNOW what it does and the damage it causes...

 

So now I’m 24 stuck in a relationship that is getting harder and harder to bear with 2 kids that I love above everything else. But I feel trapped and the feeling is not going away..

 

What should I do???

 

Go see a therapist. Sort those feelings out.

 

Also, focus that energy INTO your children. Part of having kids is giving up things that you want. Put them first and live your life FOR them. Love your wife. Spend time with her, woo her, take her out too! Get a family member to BE with the kids for a weekend so you two can be husband and wife together and not just "mommy and daddy."

 

Also, most importantly, TELL your wife what you're thinking and feeling. All of it - Sex part included. Maybe she's feeling unsexy and not good about herself after having two kids?

 

You probably know this already, but the grass isn't greener on the otherside of the fence...

 

Make the choice to stop thinking about wanting to sleep with other women. Be happy with who you have infront of you - Your wife.

 

I sympathize with you about where you are, wanting to experience things, new people etc., but, you can't. Live up to vows you made and be happy with your life. Consider some therapy to help you cope and learn how to fight thoughts of wanting to be with other women.

[Fun2BMe]

You probably know this already, but the grass isn't greener on the otherside of the fence...

It's greener where you water it most.

 

Make her feel sexy and 'water' her instead of looking for new grass. Try to act grown up and put your hormones on the back burner. Be responsible and raise your children with vanilla sex. You are no longer 12-20. You want to relive those years with the new you but guess what. The time has changed and so have your priorities.

 

Also, don't blame her for getting pregnant. If the doctor said she can't conceive and did so while not using condoms with you, that should've been a lesson instead of still believing she can't get pregnant, not using condoms and "unexpectedly" she gets pregnant again 9 months later. You have to start taking responsibility in your life, both for yourself and for your family. I'm sure a lot of people would like to turn back time but that is not possible. Take care of today's business instead of ditching your obligations for a honey without children who will give you hot sex.

[malek]

Thank to you all for your response,

 

See she has told me many times before to go do what I need to do and simply not tell her. But that’s not me, I can’t cheat on her at all it’s against what I believe and my better judgment.

 

What she doesn’t get is that I don’t necessarily want to sleep with another woman and if I do I would like for her to be there with me. All I want is to have fun with her.

 

I’m so mixed up right now, I don’t seem to know what I want. I mean the sex is still great and I’m not bored of that.

 

We have talked about all the above over and over and over. We have a pretty limited budget ever since the kids have been born. We both lost our jobs and now I’m the only one working so we can’t do any activities and we don’t really have any family to baby-sit.

 

When I close my eyes now a day I see my self lying on my back in a bachelor pad with no noise and just relaxing.

 

I love her and forever will but I’ve always been a loner and the weight of always having people around is starting to kill me. I can’t ask her to go out with her friends since she has none and I can’t really go out with mine since I don’t feel comfortable going out while she is stuck at home.

 

Everyone around me tells me I’m a great Dad that I take extremely good care of my kids and wife. But at the end who is there to take care of me. It seems I give and I give but no one is there to give anything back.

 

I simply don’t know.

 

P.s.: We cant go to therapy since we don’t have money to pay for it.

 

So yea I’m all f’ed up.

[Lennox]

Your wife used to be a stripper. She saw the look in men's eyes as they looked at her with disrespect and like a piece of meat. She has something with very, very deep meaning with you. She probably doesn't want to throw dirt on the nice clean carpet that is your marriage with that same crap that she dealt with as a stripper.

 

It's no wonder she is resistant to "wild side" stuff. She's got a lot of healing to do. I don't believe that strippers even "like" men in general, but she sure fell for you. You are special in her eyes. Don't mess things up because you're jealous of her life experiences. Her life experiences are not nearly as rosy as you believe them to be. You both need to go to counseling together to work out these issues and find a happy medium.

 

She can give you those wild times, but she's broken at the moment. Help her and don't hurt her.

[RecordProducer]

I had the same problem when I was stuck with two babies and a toddler from my ex-husband's first marriage from age 23 to 26. I felt stuck. I was unhappy. We were going to the movies and dinner once or twice a week, but it didn't help me. I didn't crave sex with new people, I didn't care about parties and night clubs, I was just stuck in deep mud. I felt dead on the inside.

 

Then my ex left me and I started breathing again. My kids grew up a bit, then I re-married and now I am happy. My problem with the first marriage was that my ex and I had nothing in common (although at the time I believed we did) and we were drown in too many responsibilities, work around the kids, my jealousy of his daughter, and monotony which led to more problems such as excessive drinking (on both sides), fights, and him packing his bags and leaving us after every fight.

 

I claim that wild (or any other type of) sex is not enough to be happy, although a lack of sex can make us miserable. If you truly love your wife, you would enjoy the vanilla sex with her. The fact that you desire something more speaks of your feelings for her. It seems to me that you didn't enter this marriage with a fuly open heart. You're bored and want to experience the wild side of life - without her.

 

My advice: if you really love your wife, be patient. You'll get over this phase when the kids require a lot of attention and the house chores never end. Baby-sitters are too expensive or non-available and it seems like you never get out of the house. This all will pass and once the kids are bigger, you'll have more time for yourselves.

 

Marriage is not about wild sex. Ask yourself again: what is it that you're missing really?