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I love my wife but I am no longer attracted to her physically...


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My wife and I have been together for 12 years and have been very happy and still very much enjoy one another’s company. The problem I am having is I no longer find my wife physically attractive.

 

When I met my wife she was 18 years old 5’6” and with a very slender build. She has the nicest green eyes with a beautiful smile and enjoys life to the fullest. Her attitude towards life is intoxicating. It is hard for anyone not to like her.

 

Since we got married she have put on a lot of weight, she has slowly put it on but nonetheless, she has put it on. She has easily put on 80 pounds. I love her with all my heart but when I touch her I do not get the same physical response I used to. I find myself fantasying about other women when we are together.

 

I never considered myself superficial but I guess I am. I have been considering telling her how I feel but I don’t want to hurt her. I know that if I do bring it up she will be crushed. I need some guidance and advice. If everyone has any insight I would greatly appreciate it.

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blind_otter

Why don't you encourage her to eat better and start exercising? Are you in good shape? What do you do for exercise? Maybe you should try to include her in your activities? Sign her up at your gym?

 

Also encourage her to get bloodwork done. My older sister is 32 and was about 40 lbs. overweight but her triglycerides were in the 800s!! She could have had a stroke! In 3 months she lost 50 lbs. and looks thinner than me!

 

I would bring it up as a health issue, personally. I don't exercise or eat well because I want to be thin, I do it to be healthy. To make my body more functional so I can do the things I like to do. IMO it's always a mistake to frame weight loss as an aesthetic thing. It should always be about being healthier and functioning better, and not putting yourself at risk for those longterm chronic issues that being overweight can cause.

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KnowHowLoveFeels

Well, it is natural to be visual especially when it comes to sex. I am a woman and my husband has been piling up weight over the past 4 years. I have been telling him to eat better, exercise, etc. Like every one else trying to 'diet', he was only getting bigger. Long story short, what finally did it for him: he realized how fat he was. He realized that I was not attracted to him when he was so fat. He has lost over 20# in the last 5 months.

 

I don't know what will work for your W, but SHE has to be the one to want to do it. No cajoling or nagging from you will work. Maybe get a subsription to a fitness magazine, and she can read about sucess stories. Good luck.

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Why don't you encourage her to eat better and start exercising? Are you in good shape? What do you do for exercise? Maybe you should try to include her in your activities? Sign her up at your gym?

 

Also encourage her to get bloodwork done. My older sister is 32 and was about 40 lbs. overweight but her triglycerides were in the 800s!! She could have had a stroke! In 3 months she lost 50 lbs. and looks thinner than me!

 

I would bring it up as a health issue, personally. I don't exercise or eat well because I want to be thin, I do it to be healthy. To make my body more functional so I can do the things I like to do. IMO it's always a mistake to frame weight loss as an aesthetic thing. It should always be about being healthier and functioning better, and not putting yourself at risk for those longterm chronic issues that being overweight can cause.

 

I have tried to encourage her to eat better and start excercising. I workout 3-4 times a week at a local gym and I have invited her to join me on many occasions.

 

I understand what you are talking about when you say it is a health issue but how can I say that when her doctor doesn't bring it up?

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blind_otter

Then she needs a new doctor! If she hasn't had her cholesterol checked. Maybe she's depressed?

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whichwayisup

Start slow. After supper, start going out for evening walks together. Each night (if it's not raining), go further and pick up the pace.

 

Sign up for a yoga classes together. Pick an evening or a day on the weekend to go. Not only is this good for your bodies, it's great for the mind and soul too. It may make HER feel better.

 

I'd like to point out, I'm sure she is unhappy about her body. She probably is aware that you don't find her sexually attractive...So, I think telling her that you aren't attracted to her should not happen. Instead, work with her, tell her that it's healthier to be active, that it will be fun - Be positive about it! If she does by chance, bring up the fact that you may not find her sexually attractive, don't agree or disagree - Just gently mention to her that SHE needs to feel good about herself and her body.

 

Hope this helps.

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catgirl1927

It's an awful circle, really. You feel bad because you've put on a few pounds. You eat to comfort yourself. You feel worse because you feel ugly and fat, and you know you're not doing anything about it. So you eat MORE for comfort. You have a bad day, you can't use sex to get rid of the bad feelings because you feel ugly, so you eat something. Man, it sucks. At 80 pounds, to lose weight and feel good about herself and do it safely is going to take at least a year. It's just a huge thing, it's intimidating.

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carmaenforcer

I don't agree with the whole help her loose weight by working out with her thing, if it eats up your time doing something else when you are not the one with the weight problem.

I did this with my ex and I ended up being the one loosing all the weight and she stayed the same and bitched the whole time, while still eating like there was no problem.

 

Be supportive, yes.

Be kind, patient and understanding, yes. But I don't see why the person without the weight problem has to suffer.

To lead by example?

I don't think so. If both are fat and need to loose weight then by all means tackle the issue together. But the person with the problem has to want to change if not for them selves then for the health of the relationship.

 

If it's that much of a problem and is causing harm to your relationship, talk with her about it. Be as nice as you can but be honest with your self.

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Anytime a person puts on an excessive amount of weight, their energy level is going to be affected in a negative way.

 

You have listed a great many things that you admire about her. She will only change when SHE is ready! I think you sound like a kind and caring husband.

 

Men are generally very visual, so it must be hard to get past this. Since you love her dearly, I suggest just fantasizing big time in order to keep yourself connected to her physically.

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catgirl1927
One thing to know is that, when you are on a workout regime that includes cardio vascular conditioning, your libido rises, and your sexual satisfaction as well. You could playfully include that info in your next sexual encounter with your wife. Good luck!!!

 

I would be careful with this one. You're a VERY confident person, luvmy2ns, and so might his wife be, but I know if I were having sex and a guy said, hey, if you got your fat ass on the treadmill our sex life would be better, I would die!!! :lmao: Not that he'd really say that, but chances are she's pretty sensitive about her weight anyway, esp if he works out and she doesn't. If you have low self esteem, when you're naked is not when you want to hear that you need to lose weight...

 

The thing is, she is the ONLY one who can make this choice. She has to WANT to lose the weight, enough that it's important enough to make HUGE sacrifices. IT's such a tough situation for the H here, because anything he says could possibly make her feel worse about herself and trigger a binge.

 

Of course, I have deep seated issues with my weight, well chronicled here on LS. She might just need some help readjusting her diet and maybe a little more activity. It might not be that big a deal to her at all!

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One way or another, it is essential for you to let your wife know that:

 

1) you love her deeply, for all the reasons you describe, and

 

2) her weight is interfering with your love life.

 

She is your life partner and you must not withhold this important information, despite your fears for her reaction. She really needs to hear what this means to you.

 

Also please see His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It may be "shallow" to want your sex partner to be attractive to you physically...but it is a FACT for you. (Also for me and many/most other people.)

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PuppyDogEyes

Trust me when I say that I think your wife knows that her weight is an issue. The pressure is on for overweight folks to lose the pounds - just look at the media, with the "biggest loser" type television shows. It's being pushed at us 24/7.

 

I also have weight issues, and have managed to lose 27 pounds on my own since the beginning of the year - simply by changing what I ate, and doing a semi-regular walking program. Instead of reaching for something like chips or pretzels, I made a choice to eat fruit and vegetables. I cut out red meat (that was a lot of my problem right there!), and reduced my intake of potatoes and pasta, while increasing my consumption of rice and whole grains.

 

I live in the downtown area of a major city, so I ended up selling my car, and now I walk everywhere - to work, to the grocery store, up and down stairs all day long, absolutely everywhere. It's helped. And over time, I felt pretty damned good - not only because I was losing weight, but I was getting fit.

 

If you try improving eating habits, I think everyone in the family needs to do this, not just her. It's not going to make her feel any better when she's snacking on an apple, while everyone else gets the ice cream. That's not too fair and it's not going to make her feel good.

 

The one thing that I keep in mind, while I'm losing weight, is this: I'm not exercising to be thin, I am exercising to be physically FIT. For a long time, I just reaffirmed this to myself, over and over. "Fit, not thin.... fit, not thin..." And it works. I made that deal with myself that I wasn't going to throw a hissy if I didn't lose 5 pounds that week. If I did, fabulous, but if not, at least I took steps to make sure that my health was better. Perhaps this method of thinking would also help your wife out, as it did me.

 

Lastly, I think that while you're being honest with yourself about your wife's looks no longer being as attractive to you, perhaps you do need to look at the bigger picture. We all lose our physical attractiveness over time, whether it's by weight or by age (wrinkles) or by health problems, whatever. Who's to say that this issue won't come up again when her hair goes gray? Or when she gets that first major wrinkle? It's okay to say that you're not attracted by the extra weight - a lot of people aren't - but I would assume that you're with your wife for more reasons than that. Focus on those other reasons - and then tell your wife that you want her to be healthier so that you can enjoy those other things that make you love her so much.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

- pde.

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CaterpillarGirl

I agree it should be addressed as a health issue. Try this --

 

"Honey, I love you very very much, but your weight is a concern for me. I want you to be fit and healthy so that we can spend many many more years together without our time being cut short by health problems. Just know that I support you in anything you decide to do and that I love you and want the very best for you."

 

Or something like that. No matter what, yes, weight is a sensitive issue. But is also a life-threatening one.

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My husband put on a lot of weight and kept griping to me about how fat he was, looking for reassurance that he was still attractive. Finally after three years I got tired of it and said, "Yeah, well then do something about it. I'm tired of listening to you complain". When he still did nothng about it and we finally stopped having sex, we had probably the most painful conversation I can remember. He asked me flat out why I wouldn't have sex with him and I told him the truth - that he was lazy and unattractive to me, and that if he didn't change his habits and his attitude, there would be no sex in our future. I know, sounds really brutal, but when you get married, you should want to keep yourself as attractive to your spouse as possible. It's kinda like buying a car - if you buy a Mercedes, over the years it stays a Mercedes. It may age and get a little wear and tear on it, but it doesn't slowly morph into a huge Suburban or something!!!

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I am a 25 year old female and like your wife, I was slim and outgoing when I met my partner. We settled into a 'comfort zone' and within 2 years I put on about 45 pounds!

 

My partner tippy toed around the subject for a while, trying to invite me to exercise and encouraged me to eat well "to be healthy for a change", but I took no notice and was oblivious to the problem.

 

Eventually my partner snapped. He told me that although he still loved me, he was not attracted to me because of my weight and felt put off having sex. He was blunt and I was really upset. I left the room and cried all night.

 

I looked in the mirror and saw my rolls of fat and realised how much I HATED it too. I immediately started losing weight and within 6 months was back down to 120 pounds and feeling good. My partners response as I lost weight was amazing. The way he'd look at me and try to get me into the bedrrom again.

 

He was open and honest. I was hurt but only for a few days and to this day I feel he did me a huge favour. Sometimes we all need a good kick up the ass.

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Yesterday, after my doctor’s visit, I decided to bring up the weight issue with my wife. I explained to her that it is unhealthy and could shorten our time together and it did not seem to have an effect. Later on, while she was still shooting daggers at me with her eyes, I decided to tell her that it was effecting how I felt and thought about her sexually and she pleasantly told me that if I didn’t want to have sex with her she wouldn’t miss it.

 

I find myself at a crossroads now. What should be my next step?

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blind_otter

Did you ask her why she became angry with you when you were communicating a concern for her health? Sometimes people get defensive and need a mirror held up to their face. I'm like that. I'm always willing to listen, but first I tend to get defensive and angry. So bringing up the topic of not finding her attractive when she still hadn't cooled off from the first comment, wasn't the best idea.

 

 

When things have cooled down you should have a "meta" discussion as they call it, where you talk about why she got upset and defensive, and how that makes you not want to open up and share with her?

 

If you guys can't do that on your own, I would recommend getting marriage counseling.

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catgirl1927

I guarantee that she was aware of her weight, and you pointing it out embarassed and hurt her. I'm not saying you shouldn't have said anything.

 

You did go back too soon, she was still mad and it sounded to her like you were threatening not to have sex with her any more. (Doesn't matter what you really said. Trust me.) I would react to such a threat exactly the same way.

 

Patience. See what happens. But for your own physical safety, I would tread lightly for a few days... ;)

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PuppyDogEyes
Later on, while she was still shooting daggers at me with her eyes, I decided to tell her that it was effecting how I felt and thought about her sexually and she pleasantly told me that if I didn’t want to have sex with her she wouldn’t miss it.

 

I can almost guarantee that she said this because she was hurt. It would have been my reaction, too. "Oh, you don't want me because I'm fat, huh? Well, guess what, I don't want you either, how do you like that idea?" Defensive technique, all right. It's as if it's a script. The chances are good that she did not mean what she said.

 

Again, I emphasize mutual support - take walks together. Exercise together. Maybe encourage her to try some new, healthier recipes (or even cook together, if that's your interest!). If you have children, get them involved - it's never too late to begin taking an interest in healthy bodies and minds. Even if you don't need to lose weight, there is always room for improving one's lifestyle, whether it's food, exercise or personal well-being. Why not help your wife improve her lifestyle, while at the same time enriching your own?

 

- pde.

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whichwayisup
Yesterday, after my doctor’s visit, I decided to bring up the weight issue with my wife. I explained to her that it is unhealthy and could shorten our time together and it did not seem to have an effect. Later on, while she was still shooting daggers at me with her eyes, I decided to tell her that it was effecting how I felt and thought about her sexually and she pleasantly told me that if I didn’t want to have sex with her she wouldn’t miss it.

 

I find myself at a crossroads now. What should be my next step?

 

Tell her how much that hurts you and that you are unhappy with how she's handling her weight issue, and how it affects you - To the point you've been considering either having an affair or wanting to end the marriage.

 

Making love with your spouse is supposed to be fun, and loving, to bond and share intimacy...The fact she is willing to NOT to have sex with you again either tells you how she really feels about herself - fat, unattractive, not sexy, undesirable, depressed - OR she really doesn't care for sex anymore - Says to me that she isn't even willing to try to fix things. So, yeah, I understand your frustration with her...Now she needs to understand that, without making it seem like you're out the door if she doesn't put out, and work on her self image and losing weight.

 

I also think you need to bring up marriage counselling. Tell her that you're scared that the marriage will get worse if she doesn't start putting in efforts.

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Lonely Wife
My wife and I have been together for 12 years and have been very happy and still very much enjoy one another’s company. The problem I am having is I no longer find my wife physically attractive.

 

When I met my wife she was 18 years old 5’6” and with a very slender build. She has the nicest green eyes with a beautiful smile and enjoys life to the fullest. Her attitude towards life is intoxicating. It is hard for anyone not to like her.

 

Since we got married she have put on a lot of weight, she has slowly put it on but nonetheless, she has put it on. She has easily put on 80 pounds. I love her with all my heart but when I touch her I do not get the same physical response I used to. I find myself fantasying about other women when we are together.

 

I never considered myself superficial but I guess I am. I have been considering telling her how I feel but I don’t want to hurt her. I know that if I do bring it up she will be crushed. I need some guidance and advice. If everyone has any insight I would greatly appreciate it.

 

Irish Rod

Do not tell your wife not attracted to her. It will hurt her a lot!!! Try to walk or exercise with her, are you giving her free time to exercise? Tell her you would like her and you go on diet together, but very tactfully. My husband has not touched me in 4 years for same reason. He told me but after telling me he has started to hate me/hs action show it. Mean to me, will not touch me at all, never go any where, etc. etc. I need to lose wieght too and have tried very hard, but my eating is from stress. He wants this and that and I try to do all he wants but never is good enough. I guess the combo of that him being unhappy with me and other stuff (I hate my job!) stresses me to not to lose weight. We are eventually going to get a divorce cause he hate so much. I enjoy sex but he with holds it from me because he is mad at me.

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sairasworld2000

You're a heterosexual man living with a woman. Why? Because she's a woman of course. Duhhhhh. For me, sex is at least 50% of the relationship. If it's not there, then even if my partner scores perfect on all the other stuff, it's a losing proposition. I'm not saying dump her. But if you have done the best you can to communicate your feelings to her and are confident that you have tried to help her the best you can, then get on with your life.

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RecordProducer

Fact#1: you love your wife's personality, company; you love your wife.

 

Fact#2: you don't find her attractive because she is overweight.

 

80 Lbs is a lot. It totally deforms the body of a 5'6" tall woman. I wouldn't be attracted to her either. It doesn't make you superficial. You do still love her. Plus who cares what the feminist books say about looks? You have your own taste.

 

I think the only thing that might work is to blatantly tell her that you think she should lose weight. Don't tell her you don't find her attractive. Tell her that you love her and she will always be attractive to you, but her weight totally turns you off. Tell her that she CAN lose 80 lbs in 8 (or 16) months; you can be patient. She will look much better after one month already.

 

She needs to understand that she HAS TO lose the extra pounds. Don't make it hurtful, don't threaten with infidelity or divorce. Let her know that it's not about sex, but about looking at the gorgeous woman she used to be before she gained weight.

 

She will make excuses like she works too hard, she takes care of the house, etc. But you work too and still find time to go to the gym 3 times a week. If nothing else, she can eat small meals (and endure a little bit of starvation without her cookies and hamburgers!) and she can jog for 10 minutes every day, if she doesn't have time for more. You could also go swimming together on the weekends.

 

Don't wrap it up too much; be upfront about your DEMANDS instead. Don't make it sound like you almost don't mind her weight, but are just chatting about it. Sit her down and be very serious, just like you would tell your child how disgusted you are by its bad language and that it's not acceptable.

 

Yes, she will be hurt, no matter what you say. But she will get over it and hopefully start a diet.

 

I think a person that allows herself gain so much weight is very tolerant toward herself. For example, I am very critical about my looks and when I gain 10 lbs I am desperate. I can't imagine letting myself go even higher. I weighed 135 lbs for a few months until a few weeks ago when I lost around 10 lbs. I am so happy now and intend to lose 6-7 more because I want to look like the models you see in the magazines.

 

When my husband hinted me about my 10 extra lbs, I told him that I was unhappy with my body myself and he didn't need to remind me to lose weight. He understood that and even started telling me that he would love me no matter what. But I don't care. I know it's a lie. I know he will fantasize about other women if I have 20 extra pounds.

 

But your wife obviously needs - not reminding - but a rude awakening!

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  • 2 weeks later...
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After the first conversation with my wife regarding my feelings about her weight she basically stopped talking to me for a week, the second week was better, I thought she was getting over being hurt. I could not have been more wrong. She sat me down over the holiday weekend and proceeded to tell me that she will not be losing weight. She is happy and comfortable. She told me to get used to it. I expressed the fact that I no longer look at her like the beautiful and sexy wife. She seemed not to care.

 

I need some more advice!

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