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Interfaith marriages?


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milvushina

I noticed there are some conversations here about inter-racial marriages, but what do you guys think about inter-faith marriages?

My husband and I are both from Tx. and both raised Baptist. He is still a strong (but liberal) Christian but I am an atheist. Been the case for years and we didn't talk about religion until we'd been dating for a few weeks and really liked each other. At first, I was sort of thinking, "Oh but you don't REALLY believe that," and he was thinking, "But deep down you DO think there is a God," and I think we each thought the other would come around to "the right" way of thinking. But time went by and nothing changed, and it didn't affect the way we felt about each other. We both joke about it- mostly him, because when you make fun of someone's religion, they get real mad real fast.

What bothers me: Nothing really. I wouldn't have thought so, but I actually prefer it over someone with my same opinion. We both brought equal but different things to our relationship. Because of him I've learned to be more patient, talkative, and observant of other people. I've influenced him to be more calm, to think about thinks objectively instead of jumping to conclusions, and to read more.

What bothers him: I think it bothers him sometimes because since he truly believes all the Christianity stuff, he must think that when we die he will go to Heaven without me. He hasn't come right out and told me that I will go to hell, but stands to reason he does. If I was him, that would bother me.

 

Anyway, what do you think? Are there many people here from interfaith relationships? Would you ever/have you ever been with someone of a different belief structure? Why or why not, or why do you think it did/didn't work out?

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phyrespryte

I'm not married, but I've always wondered if something like this could work.

 

How long have you been married to him? I was also raised baptist. And I dated an atheist once. It was so difficult for me, because I felt like I had to "save" him. And he always felt like he had to "educate" me.

I think the biggest problem we had was that I would compromise my beliefs for him, but he couldn't do the same for me.

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milvushina

I think what you said would be the most likely thing to happen. One or the other just wouldn't be able to resist trying to get the other person to come over to their side. How did you "compromise your beliefs"? Do you mean by making the topic off-limits? Mostly we just don't talk about it, but it's not like this big looming thing we agreed to avoid discussing.

We just got married in March, but have lived together almost a year before that. I guess it would be easy to say he's not a "real" Christian, or that neither of us cares that much. But we both have really strong opinions. His religion is important to him, he doesn't go to church, but prays, reads books about the Bible and so on. I work and go to school (BS Biology- I'm a junior) and the fact that I don't believe in a Creator influences the way I look at life and school.

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I think that one person will always try to get the other person to change, heck I wouldn't doubt if both people wouldn't tr to get the other to change. I think that its a very rare thing for people who are different in faith (especially where one is very strong in their reilgion) to really remain happy with someone that isn't of that faith. Since religion is generally something people want to share with those they love

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phyrespryte

Well back then I was um...a hard-core christian. So I used to go to church like 3 times a week. Wednesday prayer meetings, Sunday school, and regular church. I had all kinds of crazy rules like don't drink alcoholic beverages EVER and that any kind of sexual behavior was wrong.

 

When I met him I kind of eased up on things, changed my schedule a bit, created new rules for myself. I never really brought up the whole religion thing. I was content pretending that it wasn't He always would. Especially when it came to sex. He wasn't getting what he wanted and I felt like I was compromising way too much there. But if I asked him to come to church on Christmas it was like I had asked him to kill his mother. It was just ridiculous.

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I think that one person will always try to get the other person to change, heck I wouldn't doubt if both people wouldn't tr to get the other to change. I think that its a very rare thing for people who are different in faith (especially where one is very strong in their reilgion) to really remain happy with someone that isn't of that faith. Since religion is generally something people want to share with those they love

 

I don't agree with this. I've been in mostly interfaith relationships and am now in an interfaith marriage. I've NEVER had anyone try to change me over to their faith, nor have I tried to change anyone.

 

Granted, I'm not religious and nor is my husband (or past loves) but that still kind of shoots down your theory.

 

Yes, we've shared and do share "aspects" of our religion as you say..but he shares his and I share mine and we celebrate the similarities and the differences found in each.

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Touche-

 

If the faith isn't that strong then chances are things will be a little easier, but if you are born and breed and its something very important in your life, then its a different story (I kinda touched on that in my own post).

 

Look at it this way, if you honestly truly believe that your sig other is going to go to hell and you to heaven, aren't you going to try to make it so they will get to heaven with you?

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milvushina
I think that its a very rare thing for people who are different in faith (especially where one is very strong in their reilgion) to really remain happy with someone that isn't of that faith. Since religion is generally something people want to share with those they love

 

I tend to agree. But it's hard for me to say whether someone is strong, very strong, not strong at all, in their religion. Maybe he's not what you would call really strong in his religion. He's said that he is, but who says they're not? Maybe it works because we see the same things as sacred, even if we have different ideas of what sacred means. For instance, we both love nature and camping. H has told me before that's like church for him. Makes us both feel like we're tapping into something greater than ourselves and being rejuvinated. I think (I have no way to know) that having that in common is as fulfilling for him as if we had the same beliefs.

 

Now if you were a real hard-core Christian huh I can see how that might not work, haha. We both have a pretty big interest in world religions (me slightly more). Our opinions about politics, literature, sex, and almost everything are very similar. So maybe I like to think we're both just exceptionally open minded:p

Of course I'm not scared of church and would go for a special occassion.

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phyrespryte
I was content pretending that it wasn't He always would.

 

 

Wow what a typo.

 

I meant that I was content pretending that he was a christian. But he would always bring the topic up and tell me that what I believed was wrong.

 

But yeah I didn't get how going to church once in awhile was such a big deal. I mean it's just one hour. The funny thing is he ended the relationship, but recently he got in touch with me to let me know that he now goes to church.

 

go figure.

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Sal Paradise

I'm agnostic. My late mother was raised a Catholic (my dad was raised a Christian but I'm not sure what type; i.e...catholic, baptist etc...). My mom grew to resent a lot of aspects of the Catholic church, my dad wasn't exactly fond of organized religion either. Both my parents believed in a creator but they allowed their children to form their own beliefs (which I feel so thankful for, one of the best decisions they made). They instilled in us a belief in love, family, knowing right from wrong, and above all else "thinking for yourself". When I was young I believed in God, as I grew older I formed doubts. For a while (late teenage years, early twentys) I was absolutely sure there was no God. As I've gotten older (now 28) I've come to the conclusion that I will probably never know for sure and it would be unwise to say either way there is no proof either way.

 

My girlfriend was raised Lutheran. Her family went to church every Sunday. Her family (grandmother especially) was pretty religious. My gf isn't as strict in her beliefs as she used to be (She goes to church only a few times a year now) but she still believes in the God (though events of the last couple years, including everything we went thru because of Katrina, she says has created some doubts though she still believes). She being borned and raised in the New Orleans area has a strong belief in ghosts and many in her family believe in witchcraft or voodoo.

 

So as you can see we have very different backgrounds.

 

We have been together now for 3 and a half years and I can honestly say its never caused a problem in our relationship at all. It probably helps that we're both open minded. We sometimes have frank discussions about our beliefs (which is mutually beneficial).

 

We have also discussed if and when we're married how we will handle ceremony (I told her I was up for anything in that regard) and if and when we have kids how we will approach it with them. We've agreed that she and I will take them to a church (we're both comfortable with, one that is low on dogma, for example neither of us will tolerate a chuch that is anti-homosexual) for a few years and then leave it up to them whether or not to continue (a combination of both of our upbringing).

 

I think if both people are respectful of the others beliefs it can not only work, it can be a very rewarding experience. After all diversity of thoughts and beliefs is healthy. I think it will be great for our children as well to know that their parents are open to different idea's and beliefs and that they will feel secure in knowing that they will be accepted in whatever beliefs they form in regards to religion, politics or their sexuality.

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Curmudgeon

I'm Catholic and my wife is Buddhist. Thus far (10 years) there's been no conflict. She can meditate on her own and feels perfectly comfortable accompanying me to Mass so there's absolutely no conflict.

 

Having spent much of my youth living in Asia I'm familiar and comfortable with eastern doctrines. My wife is very open, accepting and centered. It's a good mix for us.

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Curmudgeon

Hear! Hear! Religious beliefs are merely one aspect of the many in our marriage and are simply another matter in which we accomodate one another. Trying to change one another in any way has never been an option. We fell in love as we are and so we shall remain.

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quankanne

welcome aboard milvushina – and thanks for posting an interesting topic!

 

I think it bothers him sometimes because since he truly believes all the Christianity stuff, he must think that when we die he will go to Heaven without me. He hasn't come right out and told me that I will go to hell, but stands to reason he does. If I was him, that would bother me.

 

one of the women I work with put it best when she described faith in a marriage: You help each get to heaven. Meaning, you model your faith belief (or lack of belief) and that inspires the other person's spirituality. My guess is that because he loves you, your husband most likely prays for you and does his best to give you a positive view of Christianity. You, being agnostic, most likely help him to look more deeply at his faith, prompting him along his personal faith journey. And it all works out when respect for each other's beliefs is the basis of your relationship.

 

my husband was raised Episcopalian, but is seriously back-sliding at present. I'm cradle Catholic. And yes, I've had to alternately bite my tongue, rail at him or edify him about my faith and how the church isn't what he sometimes thinks it to be. He, on the other hand, helps me better model and live my faith because I've got to put my money where my mouth is. And religion has never been an arguing point for the most part, even when he disagrees with some of what the church represents.

 

I believe most people strive to find a happy balance in their relationships.

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ladyinwaiting

I’m fairly agnostic in my views, but I was raised in a militantly atheist household and often find it hard to accept or understand the faith shown by religious people. My partner is a good Catholic boy, albeit it a liberal one. We argue occasionally, especially about aspects of history and some of the more (to my way of thinking) misogynistic aspects of Catholicism, but we’ve never had any real problems. He has never asked me to go to Church with him, and indeed would consider such an exercise ridiculous given I don’t believe. It is for the same reason that we will have a secular marriage ceremony. As for the after-life … well, I told him once that one of my problems with religion was that you could be a bad person all your life, but believe and repent at the end and you go to heaven, while you can be a great person all your life, not believe, and suffer in hell. He shrugged and said he thought good people would end up together whatever they believed, and he was pretty sure we’d end up together. Maybe it’s that liberalism and rather flexible attitude which makes the relationship easier? I guess it would be harder were he a more conservative Catholic and wanted to save me…

 

I do think the one area that could be problematic is children, and the faith in which they are raised. I would insist the kids are raised secular and free from religious influence, and he would certainly want them exposed to the Catholic faith and taught good Catholic values. Fortunately, for a variety of reasons, we do not plan to have any, so that’s not a problem for us. Still, my best friends are in a Jewish-Catholic relationship, and have agreed to expose the children to both sides. It seems to be working, and they have enrolled the kids in a local protestant school anyway.

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I'm about to enter into an interfaith marriage.

 

In the beginning of our relationship my STBH was very anti-Christianity, and I didn't understand why he considered himself spiritual if he had no set belief structure. Over the past 5 years, I've come to understand his beliefs more, and he understands mine. The key for us is to respect each other. And, not be easily offended. There are still awkward times, like when I say something like, "I think God designed the world this way because...." All I get back is silence. But, I'm okay with that. Much an improvement from, " "God" didn't have anything to do with this, this is just how the world works", spoken in a condasending tone.

 

I did once, it the very early stages of our relationship tell him I thought he was going to hell. Let's say that went over like a lead balloon. But, we got past it. In the past 5 years my belief system has "evolved". I won't go into what each of belief structures have become, but it works for us.

 

Our kids will be exposed to both.

 

I think (obviously) that inter-faith marriages can work, and more than that, they can help you really explore your own beliefs and grown in them. The key is communication. All relationships need it, but more so in inter-faith relationships.

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I've got a friend who's Wiccan (practices witchcraft), and his live-in girlfriend is Catholic. I find that to be a very odd match, but they actually get along fine, and they've been together for over 3 years.

 

I think it can work, although I personally haven't had to deal with it yet.

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