I love her so much, And I messed up

[NickW]

Heya everyone, first Post here.... This might be kinda long so bear with me.

 

Me and My now-fiance met over 9 years ago at college, i was 17 she was 22. She was married, but we had a common interest in computer related games and what not, we became friends in a group of friends at the college. We all hung out for a few months, and eventually the relationship became sexual. She was also having sexual relations with another friend of mine as well, in fact I think she really wanted him instead of me, but he didn't want anything more than occasional sex from her. At the time I was also involved in meeting friends and stuff online, but never really hooked up more than 1 date with 1 girl... Anyway, I found out through my friend about her escapades with other guys. It always made me jealous to hear it, because I had already fallen for her. It did bother me to hear these things she would do and the fact that she wouldn't do them with me. I had confronted her about this stuff later, but it didn't really change anything.

 

I don't know what I was doing, but I guess at the time I didn't care. Her and I had so many things in common and It was great being with her.

 

I finally decided I had enough of her being with other people, I loved her and wanted her for myself only.

 

Well, we carried on this on-the-side relationship for several months until she became pregnant with our first child. I was 18 at the time we found out, and I was scared/excited/etc. I always said I'd be a young dad so I could relate to my kids. I loved her so much, and her having my child amplified it. She broke it off with her husband shortly after finding out about the pregnancy and there was a big blow-up with her parents. We moved in together at her place and had jobs at the same place. Together we were making decent money to survive on.

 

There was an incident about some guy that she lied to me about having relations with before we got together officially, that i found out about later on some chat logs. She said she knew I probably wouldn't wanna get with her if I found out she lied, and that she knew I would leave her now if she wasn't pregnant, but I didn't. I was hurt and cried over it that she was still talking to this ex-guy after we were already together and talking about how great their "relations" were.. She broke off contact with him and everything was fine. We did alot of really fun things together, bowling leagues, movies, parties, everything: before she got pregnant and after. Our first son was born when I was 19. It was so scarey for me because she had to be c-section'd i was with her holding her the whole time, trying to keep her awake. Our baby was born, we were so happy. We were in love, everything was great. Time went on, we had fun together still, even with the baby, her parents had eventually come around to the idea that I was the new man in their daughter's life.

 

Then my decline began....

 

I started job-hopping jobs constantly, every 1-3 months something else...

 

We had a 2nd child, another son, I was so scared/excited all over again, I knew in my mind that I had to be twice as responsible, but I kept letting my own wants get in the way of what was most important, taking care of the woman I love more than any other, and the kids that I need to be the best young daddy to. But I didn't, I dunno what my probably was, I still don't. We kept having to move in/out of her parents, my grandparents, my mom, etc. I've had high paying jobs, I've had crappy paying jobs, I've had jobs I could've become a great manager in, and just left over something stupid. My irresponsibility and immature actions kept taking over.

 

Things went from bad to worse...and worse....over the next 5 years...

 

I'm trying harder to keep my jobs longer, keep falling on bad luck with getting with temp jobs that let me go over misc crap.

 

At this point, The attention she used to give me had died. She wasn't happy to see me anymore, never initiated any kind of contact with me, she spent most of her time online talking to god knows who, so now i'm thinking wtF is going on... Started getting jealous thoughts, I put it all on her, she was the one losing interest, I would try to do romantic things now and then flowers, etc. But... The real matter was I was neglecting our kids and her emotional needs. We weren't really communicating at all anymore, and when it came to honesty, we hadn't really ever had good communication.

 

Last year, a few things happened. She finally after over 7 years finalized the divorce with her husband. Before you jump to conclusions, there was a long combination of factors that caused such a delay, such as: being really busy, not having the money, uncooperation between her and her husband, and the fact they have a daughter together that complicated the whole matter. This year we also had a blow-up that almost ended the relationship. She knew I was depressed, just stressed the hell out over everything going on, moving, work, kids, trying to make everybody happy. She called me out on it, and I just didn't know what to do. She was obviously unhappy, and I figured at this point, let her be happy, even if it was without me...

 

Mind you, I still love her, I'm in love with her, I would jump in front of a bus to save her life.

 

I can't lie to myself, I have been neglecting our kids, I've been preoccupying myself online playing games, dont' really have any contact with other females. She is always talking to random/misc guys on the Internet, always has. I didn't want to come accross as the jealous/controlling boyfriend, and anytime I'd say anything, "I didn't want her to have any friends" So i let it go.

 

We are living with her mom as of present.

 

A Couple weeks ago, the kids wouldn't lay down when it was time to sleep, it was hot, we were both stressed out for our own reasons, she handed the kids off to me. They just wouldn't listen, so i lost it, i started screaming and threatening and spanking, and just went off the handle, which isn't my personality or my style. She was screaming at me to stop, her mom came in, and the big blow-up happened. This isn't the first time I've blown up like this, but this time it reached the boiling point.

 

She told me to get out of the house, her mom was telling me to call my dad to come get me, I wasn't allowed to drive the car, etc... She started getting onto me about maybe seperating for a while to figure out what we want, etc... I was on 4 hours of sleep from staying up too late the night before, she was asking me serious questions, and I just couldn't think straight.

 

It was like a Shock to my Senses though... She was for real, she wanted me out, we had a long talk, and I decided I wanted to work it out, really communicate, listen, and be the man I should've been a long time ago. Next day, though, she told me she wanted to take a 1-2 day alone trip to one of her parents time-shares to get away. Without thinking, my first reaction was "yea, who with" and she called me out on it "see, that's your problem, you don't trust me". I guess I had kinda put 2 and 2 together that ok, "You've been distant with me lately, now you wanna split up, now you wanna go outta town by yourself for a couple days" That kinda had all signs pointed to, "I'm not married anymore, I've found someone online, and i wanna go meet with them" I really don't want to believe this, although, I wouldn't be surprised if she was looking for another man that'll give her the emotional/physical attention she wants/needs. The whole concept makes me sick to my stomach, almost can't breath. She told me the romance had been dead for a long time. I can't argue with that, but I don't want to think of it as dead. If anything, I want to think that it's just been dormant, and can be revitalised. We are both still young and there's no reason to let the romance stay dead. She told me she couldn't lie that she had had thoughts of what it'd be like to be with "someone" else...that sunk my heart.

 

Last few days here, I've laid in bed with her and held her, and would lay there for an hour or so just praying she still wants me around. She still seems very disconnected with me lately. She's been taking anti-depressents and mood balancing perscriptions, and stuff to help her sleep, I don't know if this is the side effect, but it sucks. I've been very over-affectionate lately, holding her, kissing her, carressing her anytime I get the chance. I've promised myself to be everything she hopes for, a better friend, a better father, anything. I want her to be happy, I want her to be happy with me. The last few days, It's almost brought me to tears, and I can't seem to focus on anything else. I want to be completely open and honest and communicate as much of my feelings as possible. I've told her this, and I'm still feeling the disconnection. It feels like her attitude towards me hasn't really changed at all. I communicated my feelings on her having all these misc. abundance of guy friends online that she talks to and how it bothers me, like she's keeping them around to keep her options open. I guess I don't really see why she needs so much extra male attention from guys online. I've had this discussion with her before and she accuses me of not wanting her to have any friends. I want her to have friends, but I want her to understand my concerns. She agreed to remove a few of them off her list and what not. I would like to believe that she did, and that she respects my feelings on the matter.

 

I guess we get down to the point now,

 

I love this woman, has stuck by my side through the worst times ever, put up with my immaturity and irresponsibility. She's so beautiful, She's the mother of my children, the woman I want to be with forever, I want to marry her and be happy again. I want her to be proud to be my wife. It pains me that it's possible she's made up her mind that this isn't what she wants, that she's already given up hope, and that she thinks she could do better with someone else.

 

Have I already messed up to the point where it's unfixable? What can I do to make her fall in love with me again, to smile at me again...To not be able to think about anybody else as being my replacement....

 

 

Apologies for the Novel sized post, but i had to let it out...

 

--NickW

[EndoftheRope]

It sounds like you already know what you need to do: shape up and grow up.

 

Do it.

 

Stay with your job or get a better one and stick with that. Spend time with your children. Live within your means. Behave responsibly. Think about character and behave with integrity in all your dealings.

 

This doesn't guarantee she'll fall in love with you again, but it does guarantee you will become a better person and a better father, which should be the real goal.

 

I have to admit that half way through I resorted to skimming, but it sounds like she has quite a penchant for juggling multiple relationships and cheating on whoever thinks he is her current one and only. Keep this in mind: by asking how you can get her to fall in love with you and want only you, it seems to me you're sort of-kind of asking how you can get a monkey to stop eating bananas, and believing if YOU could just be good enough.... You set yourself up for disappointment that way. Just get out there and be the best person and employee and father YOU can be, and someday you will also be a good husband, to her or to someone else.

 

Best of luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Nick, do what you can to fix the marriage and make it work. Go to marriage counselling and put her and the kids first. I am going to add in too, BOTH of you need to cut down on the computer games/online chatting with other people. (Not saying you do, but the gaming is taking time away from family time) Each of you need to give up some things and compromise and most of all, BE good loving parents to those children. They need BOTH of you!

 

If you need counselling one on one, do that too. It could help you deal with everything that is going on and help you cope with daily stresses.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[Kenyth]

Improve yourself, for yourself. There's nothing you can really do but that. This relationship has been a three ring circus from the start, but that's the way it is when you get married young. I can't lecture too much. I did the same thing. It's like they teach for first aid in the military. If you're injured, treat yourself first, then worry about the others around you. You can't effectively help anyone else until you've helped yourself first.

[Guest]

Heya everyone, first Post here.... This might be kinda long so bear with me.

 

Me and My now-fiance met over 9 years ago at college, i was 17 she was 22. She was married, but we had a common interest in computer related games and what not, we became friends in a group of friends at the college. We all hung out for a few months, and eventually the relationship became sexual. She was also having sexual relations with another friend of mine as well, in fact I think she really wanted him instead of me, but he didn't want anything more than occasional sex from her. At the time I was also involved in meeting friends and stuff online, but never really hooked up more than 1 date with 1 girl... Anyway, I found out through my friend about her escapades with other guys. It always made me jealous to hear it, because I had already fallen for her. It did bother me to hear these things she would do and the fact that she wouldn't do them with me. I had confronted her about this stuff later, but it didn't really change anything.

 

I don't know what I was doing, but I guess at the time I didn't care. Her and I had so many things in common and It was great being with her.

 

I finally decided I had enough of her being with other people, I loved her and wanted her for myself only.

 

Well, we carried on this on-the-side relationship for several months until she became pregnant with our first child. I was 18 at the time we found out, and I was scared/excited/etc. I always said I'd be a young dad so I could relate to my kids. I loved her so much, and her having my child amplified it. She broke it off with her husband shortly after finding out about the pregnancy and there was a big blow-up with her parents. We moved in together at her place and had jobs at the same place. Together we were making decent money to survive on.

 

There was an incident about some guy that she lied to me about having relations with before we got together officially, that i found out about later on some chat logs. She said she knew I probably wouldn't wanna get with her if I found out she lied, and that she knew I would leave her now if she wasn't pregnant, but I didn't. I was hurt and cried over it that she was still talking to this ex-guy after we were already together and talking about how great their "relations" were.. She broke off contact with him and everything was fine. We did alot of really fun things together, bowling leagues, movies, parties, everything: before she got pregnant and after. Our first son was born when I was 19. It was so scarey for me because she had to be c-section'd i was with her holding her the whole time, trying to keep her awake. Our baby was born, we were so happy. We were in love, everything was great. Time went on, we had fun together still, even with the baby, her parents had eventually come around to the idea that I was the new man in their daughter's life.

 

Then my decline began....

 

I started job-hopping jobs constantly, every 1-3 months something else...

 

We had a 2nd child, another son, I was so scared/excited all over again, I knew in my mind that I had to be twice as responsible, but I kept letting my own wants get in the way of what was most important, taking care of the woman I love more than any other, and the kids that I need to be the best young daddy to. But I didn't, I dunno what my probably was, I still don't. We kept having to move in/out of her parents, my grandparents, my mom, etc. I've had high paying jobs, I've had crappy paying jobs, I've had jobs I could've become a great manager in, and just left over something stupid. My irresponsibility and immature actions kept taking over.

 

Things went from bad to worse...and worse....over the next 5 years...

 

I'm trying harder to keep my jobs longer, keep falling on bad luck with getting with temp jobs that let me go over misc crap.

 

At this point, The attention she used to give me had died. She wasn't happy to see me anymore, never initiated any kind of contact with me, she spent most of her time online talking to god knows who, so now i'm thinking wtF is going on... Started getting jealous thoughts, I put it all on her, she was the one losing interest, I would try to do romantic things now and then flowers, etc. But... The real matter was I was neglecting our kids and her emotional needs. We weren't really communicating at all anymore, and when it came to honesty, we hadn't really ever had good communication.

 

Last year, a few things happened. She finally after over 7 years finalized the divorce with her husband. Before you jump to conclusions, there was a long combination of factors that caused such a delay, such as: being really busy, not having the money, uncooperation between her and her husband, and the fact they have a daughter together that complicated the whole matter. This year we also had a blow-up that almost ended the relationship. She knew I was depressed, just stressed the hell out over everything going on, moving, work, kids, trying to make everybody happy. She called me out on it, and I just didn't know what to do. She was obviously unhappy, and I figured at this point, let her be happy, even if it was without me...

 

Mind you, I still love her, I'm in love with her, I would jump in front of a bus to save her life.

 

I can't lie to myself, I have been neglecting our kids, I've been preoccupying myself online playing games, dont' really have any contact with other females. She is always talking to random/misc guys on the Internet, always has. I didn't want to come accross as the jealous/controlling boyfriend, and anytime I'd say anything, "I didn't want her to have any friends" So i let it go.

 

We are living with her mom as of present.

 

A Couple weeks ago, the kids wouldn't lay down when it was time to sleep, it was hot, we were both stressed out for our own reasons, she handed the kids off to me. They just wouldn't listen, so i lost it, i started screaming and threatening and spanking, and just went off the handle, which isn't my personality or my style. She was screaming at me to stop, her mom came in, and the big blow-up happened. This isn't the first time I've blown up like this, but this time it reached the boiling point.

 

She told me to get out of the house, her mom was telling me to call my dad to come get me, I wasn't allowed to drive the car, etc... She started getting onto me about maybe seperating for a while to figure out what we want, etc... I was on 4 hours of sleep from staying up too late the night before, she was asking me serious questions, and I just couldn't think straight.

 

It was like a Shock to my Senses though... She was for real, she wanted me out, we had a long talk, and I decided I wanted to work it out, really communicate, listen, and be the man I should've been a long time ago. Next day, though, she told me she wanted to take a 1-2 day alone trip to one of her parents time-shares to get away. Without thinking, my first reaction was "yea, who with" and she called me out on it "see, that's your problem, you don't trust me". I guess I had kinda put 2 and 2 together that ok, "You've been distant with me lately, now you wanna split up, now you wanna go outta town by yourself for a couple days" That kinda had all signs pointed to, "I'm not married anymore, I've found someone online, and i wanna go meet with them" I really don't want to believe this, although, I wouldn't be surprised if she was looking for another man that'll give her the emotional/physical attention she wants/needs. The whole concept makes me sick to my stomach, almost can't breath. She told me the romance had been dead for a long time. I can't argue with that, but I don't want to think of it as dead. If anything, I want to think that it's just been dormant, and can be revitalised. We are both still young and there's no reason to let the romance stay dead. She told me she couldn't lie that she had had thoughts of what it'd be like to be with "someone" else...that sunk my heart.

 

Last few days here, I've laid in bed with her and held her, and would lay there for an hour or so just praying she still wants me around. She still seems very disconnected with me lately. She's been taking anti-depressents and mood balancing perscriptions, and stuff to help her sleep, I don't know if this is the side effect, but it sucks. I've been very over-affectionate lately, holding her, kissing her, carressing her anytime I get the chance. I've promised myself to be everything she hopes for, a better friend, a better father, anything. I want her to be happy, I want her to be happy with me. The last few days, It's almost brought me to tears, and I can't seem to focus on anything else. I want to be completely open and honest and communicate as much of my feelings as possible. I've told her this, and I'm still feeling the disconnection. It feels like her attitude towards me hasn't really changed at all. I communicated my feelings on her having all these misc. abundance of guy friends online that she talks to and how it bothers me, like she's keeping them around to keep her options open. I guess I don't really see why she needs so much extra male attention from guys online. I've had this discussion with her before and she accuses me of not wanting her to have any friends. I want her to have friends, but I want her to understand my concerns. She agreed to remove a few of them off her list and what not. I would like to believe that she did, and that she respects my feelings on the matter.

 

I guess we get down to the point now,

 

I love this woman, has stuck by my side through the worst times ever, put up with my immaturity and irresponsibility. She's so beautiful, She's the mother of my children, the woman I want to be with forever, I want to marry her and be happy again. I want her to be proud to be my wife. It pains me that it's possible she's made up her mind that this isn't what she wants, that she's already given up hope, and that she thinks she could do better with someone else.

 

Have I already messed up to the point where it's unfixable? What can I do to make her fall in love with me again, to smile at me again...To not be able to think about anybody else as being my replacement....

 

 

Apologies for the Novel sized post, but i had to let it out...

 

--NickW

I think you should give her the space she needs. Just because a women wants some time alone doesnt mean shes sleeping around. Im a mother and a wife and I understand the stress. Mainly when you have someone on your back side and not someone to stand by you. Its stressful enough having kids to take care of let alone a "man" to raise. I think you just need to grow up give her some space and relax, if its ment to be she will come around. And about the men online, its easier for women to talk to men than women sometimes. Im the same way, I love my husband very much, but I like to know other mens thoughs on some things me and him go through that we just cant talk about together. That doesnt mean I cheat on him or have any instrest to.