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:( Hello, this is my 1st time post, and to be honest I have run out of ideas or things to do. I have been married for 11 1/2 years, I have two children 11 and 9. My husband early on in our marriage rarely gave me money for household expenses like utility bills, groceries, or necessitys for our children, he was also abusive so after 3 years of marriage I kicked him out. After 7 months and some anger management classes I let him return. While wer were living seperate he was giving me $400.00 a month, and when he came back home he continued to do that for a while things were fine and then slowly little things would come up and he wouldnt be physically abusive but mentally he is, and that was 8 years ago he still only gives me 400.00 a month I pay for everthing else the house payments, car payments, insurance on cars and home, all utilities, co pays on kids dr visits or whatever the insurance doesnt pay on dr bills, medicines, any of the kids activities and their both very athletic and play all sports I PAY FOR IT ALL including groceries and clothes, and then to top it all off he gets upset with me cause i cant save any money, and he blames me for not being able to build a house because i wont help him save, now he has a savings account with over 20,000 and a checking account with over 32,000 in it of course i cant save i'm carry everything. For a while I thought o.k. because maybe all his money was gonna go towards our future and the building of our new house but now hes making comments like "why should i bust my ass to make your future better" My question is. Is this normal? I would like some input here especially from you guys. If something doesnt give I am gonna leave him.

rubyred

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blind_otter

Have you ever sat down and gone over all the bills with him?

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I have, but he still feels resetful about having to give me the $400.00 a month that he gives me.

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So he thinks he's exempt from the mortgage, food and utilities? He thinks they aren't his kids, too?

 

Sounds like a jerk. Oh, and that's not normal.

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Pink_Tulip
:( now he has a savings account with over 20,000 and a checking account with over 32,000 in it

 

He sounds like a controlling @ss to me. Document that he has this money, divorce him, and take half. Plus your 400 a month. You'll get money, and get rid of him. I really don't see a downside.

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Ladyjane14
He sounds like a controlling @ss to me. Document that he has this money, divorce him, and take half. Plus your 400 a month. You'll get money, and get rid of him. I really don't see a downside.

 

I'm usually all about making the marriage work....but willing to make an exception in your case. :p

 

I'm in agreement with Pink. I'd see a lawyer, and I wouldn't tell him in advance. By making your arrangements covertly, you can strike before he dumps the cash. If he has a heads up, he'll stash it and it'll take you years of minimum payments to see it again.

 

This is NOT all his money. You've been supporting his fuzzy behind for all this time, otherwise he wouldn't have that big bankroll. I can't imagine you not getting at least half.

 

Then you can get some REAL child support from him on top of that. ;)

 

Most of the divorced people I know are paying at least $500.00 per child. Of course, the court will look at what he can afford, but you can bet your ass he's not going to be living *AND* supporting his family on $400.00 a month after your lawyer gets done with him.

 

Your situation isn't anything I've ever heard before. Even couples who maintain separate finances meet fairly in the middle. It really is outragious for this guy to treat you like this.

 

I wonder if this is some kind of neurotic hoarding behavior. (????) :confused:

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RecordProducer

In a marriage there is no "your money" and "my money"; it's "our money." Especially since you both work and it's not like you make $2,000 a month and he makes $200,000 so he lets you have only 10% of "his" income. He shouldn't give you money. It's mutual and that's what the law says too.

 

You need to plan the expenditures, investments, and savings together. It's not your future or his future, it's your future together.

 

I agree that you should have it documented that he has $52,000 in savings and then have a discussion with him. Let him know that he has been a financial burden for your income and the savings he has are also yours as you have supported him through years. Gosh, if people could live off of $400 per month, everyone would live with a room mate and spend $400 per month and save the rest. Ten years later and you can pay for a big brand new house and fancy car with cash!

 

Put on paper how much he has earned in the last 11 years since he has been giving you $400 a month and add the expenditures you know about. Subtract the 400-dollar amount multiplied by the number of months (e.g. 11 years x 12 months) and you'll get the amount that he has saved or spent on himself.

 

He doesn't owe you the money that's spent already, but he definitely owes you half of the savings he made. He's being an ass big time. Get your share and stop supporting the parasite. You can live without his money and his selfish ass.

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I've never heard of a case where financially a woman comes out BETTER being divorced but in your case it sure sounds like it. Why are your finances separate? What a loser he is to say what he said to you. If he ever said that to me, I'd say "You DON'T need to bust your ass to make MY future better because I'm leaving you. But you WILL have to bust your ass to pay child support to make your CHILDREN'S future better." That should shut his ass up.

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catgirl1927
I've never heard of a case where financially a woman comes out BETTER being divorced but in your case it sure sounds like it. Why are your finances separate? What a loser he is to say what he said to you. If he ever said that to me, I'd say "You DON'T need to bust your ass to make MY future better because I'm leaving you. But you WILL have to bust your ass to pay child support to make your CHILDREN'S future better." That should shut his ass up.

 

Um, I was WAY the loser in my divorce. I had to pay off my ex so I could keep my house that I'd been paying for through our whole relationship. It happens, more often than you'd think...

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Um, I was WAY the loser in my divorce. I had to pay off my ex so I could keep my house that I'd been paying for through our whole relationship. It happens, more often than you'd think...

 

Um, CG read my post again. I was telling OP that she will come out BETTER than she is now in a divorce and that that doesn't usually happen. I'm not sure what you're saying here. Are you saying you also came out better than before? Not sure I get what you're saying here.

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catgirl1927
Um, CG read my post again. I was telling OP that she will come out BETTER than she is now in a divorce and that that doesn't usually happen. I'm not sure what you're saying here. Are you saying you also came out better than before? Not sure I get what you're saying here.

 

Sorry, it's early and I need to finish my coffee. I misread what you said.

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Sorry, it's early and I need to finish my coffee. I misread what you said.

 

It's ok. I've just started my coffee and wasn't sure if I was misreading YOUR post!;)

 

Yeah, most women come out WORSE in a divorce but this woman I don't think will. She will get more in child support than he is contributing to their lives now! Besides which she'll get rid of that loser of a husband of hers. She can't go wrong.

 

If nothing else OP should THREATEN it. He might just straighten his ass out. If he has any brains at all he'll figure out than he will be the loser in the divorce.

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