Trust and abandonment issues

[Curmudgeon]

My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years and were friends for five years before that. Somewhere around our sixth date she told me that she finally decided she couldn't find any reason not to trust me. That wasn't as good as finding reasons to trust me but better than nothing.

 

As I learned more about her I realized that she had some major trust and abandonment issues coming from two prior marriages and two relationship when she was younger. It also explained why she'd remained single for the 18 years since her last divorce and why she'd successfully cultivated the personna of the absolute Ice Maiden where men were concerned.

 

Now, almost a decade later she's still not totally confident of my love and commitment and the fact that I'm with her and in this marriage for the long-haul. I've always told her that there were only two deal-breakers for me, infidelity or abuse. The first is absolutely not an issue and the second would be totally out of character for her.

 

These issue don't have any great or obvious impact on our relationship but it hurts to know that somewhere deep inside she probably still harbors escape plans and she can never feel completely comfortable and secure.

 

I wonder what more I can do, if anything, to change that other than the obsious, still being around for the next decade. I can't help feeling that something's missing or I'm missing something.

 

Any ideas?

[2sunny]

I'm not so sure that you can change her perspective C=Lion.

 

It may stem from her first marriage and that is a tough thing to ever let go of. Certain feelings that stem from earlier in life will never disappear for most folks. Hopefully, it doesn't keep you or her from being happy.

 

I suppose you are fortunate that the good things outweigh the bad in your marriage. The rest will need to be ignored so that you can still thoroughly enjoy your relationship with her.

 

Have you discussed your feelings on this issue?

[Curmudgeon]

It hurts to know that the full trust just isn't there. But you're right, I should just let it go and continue trying to make our relationship as good as it can egt. After all, it's just one part of a very complex woman who's been badly hurt in the past but the entire package if worth ever so much more than that.

[pricillia]

It hurts to know that the full trust just isn't there. But you're right, I should just let it go and continue trying to make our relationship as good as it can egt. After all, it's just one part of a very complex woman who's been badly hurt in the past but the entire package if worth ever so much more than that.

 

 

Well she was known as the ice queen but it sounds like you have melted all the ice away after all you have been in each others lives for 15 years

I give you the credit for spending the time with a complex woman friends first then lovers.

 

Many men tell me that I am an enigma and they don't know how to take me, because as many of us I have been hurt before and it is hard to trust.

 

Keep up what you are doing with your wife, I am sure she knows that you are there for her best interst and she should be there for yours as well.

Sometimes people do not know what they have until it is gone, I have been reminded of that my many losses, hopefully your wife will realize to live in the moment with you and the love that you show...

 

I have read your posts and your reply's and you seem very genuine

[2sunny]

It hurts to know that the full trust just isn't there. But you're right, I should just let it go and continue trying to make our relationship as good as it can egt. After all, it's just one part of a very complex woman who's been badly hurt in the past but the entire package if worth ever so much more than that.

 

 

Any gal that has been badly hurt in the past will always be apprehensive to completely trust and let their guard down.

 

You cannot change history for her. This is deep seeded and is a tool to protect her, should anything ever happen....

 

Sounds as if your relationship is pretty good as you do enjoy each others company more than most married couples. Concentrate on that feeling, as her actions are telling you that she wants to trust you.

 

I know that you have said that you are both very dear friends to each other. A good friendship that you describe C=Lion cannot really be had without a great deal of trust, so she must have bigger feelings in that area than you are acknowledging to yourself.

 

I have a best friend that I trust with my life! This is good enough for me - but I have no guarantee that she will always be around! I don't care, what great friendship we do have is worth all the things we share on a daily basis. To worry about things being absolutely ideal may never be obtainable.

 

Enjoy the fact that you are so lucky to have the level of friendship and a significant confidant in your life. The fact that you married her is just a bonus!

[Alexandra]

***Yet Another Disclaimer: This is before coffee.***

 

I'm really glad you started the thread for the very reason that you bringing it up like that after having commanded many things in her so delightfully suggested you do indeed have an -small I believe- issue with it.

 

Abandonment issues regularly steam from more than one's romantic relationships, they most often have roots in one's early family life as well, an adult's love life seems to come and confirm them later on. As a result they're some of the toughest things to deal with in Psychology, as I'm sure you know and others on here can confirm.

 

The method that seems to bring most success with them is therapy augmented by a very strong, persistent support at home. For most people the former is a million times easier to attain than the latter. She has been very lucky to get you with your willingness to do the work.

 

If there was a way to do both things then you could think of the issue being eliminated at some point, this way you can still safely trust the issue is maybe not going to vanish but will be contained enough for you two to enjoy a happy ending together. That's what I meant in the other thread by her being possibly addicted to the work you do. It's a wonderful thing that you do it, as well.

 

As for it hurting, it only will if you let it. 2sunny is maybe right, you're rational enough to minimize the amount of thought going into "what if"s and "yes but"s and enjoy everything else.

[westernxer]

It may take her a lifetime, but it sounds like you're very patient and understanding toward her.

 

Sensitivity varies from person to person, and the trauma she suffered must've been very difficult to swallow... has she ever considered a counselor, just to get an outside perspective on why she can't open herself completely?

 

Or else, maybe she's still working on it. Who knows?

[2sunny]

To put an end to the problem, you can just leave her and marry me C=Lion! he he :lmao:

 

Of course I'm just kidding.... feeling a bit feisty today, I am!!!! :p

[Curmudgeon]

... they most often have roots in one's early family life as well

 

Very true. Hers go back to childhood during which she felt abandoned by her mother who's an impossible woman to contend with and her father who, although she knows he loved her dearly (he died two years before we got together) would not stand up to her mother for her.

 

Several of her experiences with adult relationships (all ofthem in one manner or another) just continued to feed her insecurities. Throw in the fact that she's also bipolar type 2 (my diagnosis after four years of marriage, since confirmed) and it can be very depressing for her.

 

Oh, well. Sometimes you simply have to take the bitter with the sweet and the latter far outweighs the former.

[Curmudgeon]

To put an end to the problem, you can just leave her and marry me C=Lion! he he :lmao:

 

...there's always that!

[Curmudgeon]

She knows why, and so do I. If it does, in fact, take a lifetime, I'll be around for it!

[JadeStar]

Awwww C sorry this is happening. I don't really have any advice for you other than what some of the others have said. I do know, though that somtimes people who have these trust issues sometimes never really get over things that have happened to them, and do continue to struggle with things from their past. I sometimes wish their were a magic wand we could wave and just make things like that disappear. All I know to say is, you sound like such a great guy and hang in there.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[whichwayisup]

Ask her to marry you again and renew your vows.

 

She is a lucky woman to have you, I wish too that she would trust you fully and so openly - She has absolutely no reason to doubt your love for her.

[whichwayisup]

Hers go back to childhood during which she felt abandoned by her mother

 

This runs really deep and people who feel that abandonment from a parent, especially from their mother, have issues at some point in life and insecurities. Is she willing to go talk to someone to cope with (or maybe come to terms with it all) the feelings she has from her past and her childhood?

[Curmudgeon]

I think she's pretty well worrked them in her mind and she knows what the problem is and has tried to confront it and lay it to rest. She just needs to make that leap of faith.

 

We're planning a vow-renewal with friends and children/grandchildren followed by a reception on our 10th anniversary in December. We "eloped" 10 years ago and I know this is important to her.

 

I hope it helps!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

C.

 

For what it's worth, let me tell you my story. I used to have fears of abandonment as well. That's why I didn't even date until I found the man I eventually married. Let me tell you why. For me, it also has alot to do with my childhood, how I was brought up by my parents. So when I grew up, I wouldn't let any man get close to me, emotionally or physically. I did not want to be in love with someone and then be left heartbroken because he's found someone "better". It was a very real phobia for me.

 

When I was dating my husband, I was in my worst behavior, so to speak. I was loud and obnoxous - so that it would drive him away!! But it didn't. It only made him more interested in pursuing me! Even when I was marrying him... I thought about our eventual divorce. (I know, this must sound very crazy to you.) It was the fear, I tell ya.

 

Anyway, it's been 10 years. In all these years, I've been myself. I don't hold back my anger and I don't sugar coat anything. And he is still here. In fact, he's more determined to stay in this marriage than ever. So, now I know that he's in this for the long haul. I can relax now... and I can be a better person to him.

 

Your wife may need to express her anger but doesn't feel comfortable to do so due to her fears of abandonment. She loves you so much and that is why the fear is so real to her. You have to let her know that she can be angry with you without repercussion. Show her that your love for her is unconditional. Forget about the "2 deal breakers". Don't even bring that up any more. Change the subject if she asks about them. Trust me, those words ring in her ears every day. To her, it means that you will leave her one day.

 

PS. Though I know that my husband would never abandon me for another woman... there are still days when I have the fear that he would. It is a phobia... and you can't completely cure it, I guess.

[2sunny]

C=Lion -

 

I know this sounds trite - but have you ever allowed her to view your posts here?

 

Damn honey, if a man was referring to me in the way that you do with her she really would never need to wonder about your admiration and devotion to her! Any woman would sob and be so grateful to have a man with your feelings as you do.....

 

Maybe you aren't showing her on a day to day basis as much as it is totally apparent to me when reading about your feelings here on LS in general.

 

If this is the case (presumptuous - I know) then quite possibly you may want to consider writing her little "love notes" every few days! You express yourself and your feelings very eloquently in writing and it is always so wonderful to have that to look at whenever a weak or vulnerable feeling comes around.

 

Some people don't realize the power of a written word - it is sooooo darn

awesome to hold a loved ones words and admire their very personal handwriting while you are viewing their kinds words, even well after they are gone....

 

I love looking at my Dad's cards and signature even to this day. It is a reminder of his total being....

 

Consider a little "love note" kind of encouragement for her to understand your committment level. She will love it and cherish your gesture forever, I promise....

[Alexandra]

C=Lion -I know this sounds trite - but have you ever allowed her to view your posts here?

 

Funny enough this is more or less what brought the thread about, I asked him the exact same thing yesterday, I gathered the answer was "no".

 

If I may ask Curmudgeon why's that? Are you feeling freer to express what you feel without her reading over your shoulder, are you just afraid something said here may hurt your hard work? It doesn't really go to the heart of the issue in any sense, I'm mostly just curious because it would work wonders on her self esteem and trusting you issues, I think.

 

I hope it helps!

 

I'm sure it will, you should expect a rather pleasant change once you two have the ceremony.

[Woggle]

I have the same issues that your wife has and I hope to god one day I can let them go once and for all. I catch this voice in my head telling me not to trust my fiance and what if she walks out on you and then I just tell that voice to shut up.

[Curmudgeon]

Thanks for sharing that. Not only are the parallels amazing but the advice is also good.

 

Thankfully, my wife is not hesitant to share her anger with me on the rare occasion she has it. She's willing to do so because I'm "safe." In that regard, she doesn't believe I'd leave her because of her anger. It's somewhat an oxymoron when she still holds other insecurities about the relationship.

 

That's the complex woman I love and married. Since I can't figure her out I guess nothing's left but to love her lots!

 

Like your husband, I'm determined to make this marriage work.

[Curmudgeon]

Not trite at all, sunny. For all i know she may have read here. This site is bookmarked so she can go right to it any time she's on the computer but I doubt she's done so.

 

I do leave love notes periodically and always have, as well as SHMILYs, if you know what those are.

 

Think I'll just have to do it more!

[Curmudgeon]

It's more disinterest with cyberspace on her part. She read and posted on another board I used to be on quite some time ago and I think she believes I exaggerate because she doesn't yet believe in herself or that she's worthy of that degree of love and devotion. I find that quite sad!

[Curmudgeon]

All i can say is, nothing ventured, nothing gained. "Faint heart ne'er won fair lady."

[2sunny]

It's more disinterest with cyberspace on her part. She read and posted on another board I used to be on quite some time ago and I think she believes I exaggerate because she doesn't yet believe in herself or that she's worthy of that degree of love and devotion. I find that quite sad!

 

 

Okay honey,

 

this may very well be the root of the problem.... if she feels not worthy - then she has some work to do.

 

Nothing you can or will do will fix her feelings of unworthiness.

 

I do think though, that you must be a compassionate man to want to relieve her feelings in this area and a concern for her well being and happiness... any gal should be so fortunate to have a man regard her in this light....

 

Regards to you in your recognizing her needs... that is a very caring and kind better half!

 

XO to you and her C=Lion

[Curmudgeon]

My first clue should have been, early-on, when I told her I absolutely adored her. My use of that term made her very uncomfortable. To her it smacked of her mother who's narcissistic and demands to be put and kept on a pedestal. To me it meant that I cherish her. It took awhile to convince her of the difference.