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Question about husbands looking at other women


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Openand Honest

New to the boards. Had a question about this. Would like to look at this from an objective perspective.

 

I have a really good marriage, we are happy and in love ( 18 years) i love him very much and I know he loves me. I do have a weight problem, working on it -have lost about 50 lbs and I am doing good.

 

When we are out sometimes not all time- to me my husband looks a little bit longer then I'd like at other "good looking women" - I am quite pretty, but I am overweight trying to get it down. He doesn't oogle or spend hours looking but I know they catch his attention.

 

Is this normal? Can he really still love me and have to look? Is it immaturity on my part? Should I just ignore it and get over It?

 

He's a great husband and father, extremely supportive loving and you name it - yet this thing bothers me - I am open for comments.

 

thanks.

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AManWithTroubles

If I were married to Jessica Alba, I would still look at other women. It's that simple. As long as he's not offending other women by staring too long at certain body parts, then it's not too big of a deal, I wouldn't think. How about you just take a look at some other men, while he's around. See if he notices. ha, ok, probably not a good idea, but ya know. It's just a look.

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Openand Honest

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Your message rings true. My best friend told me that once - I just want to get another opinion.

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I don't think there would be anything wrong in letting your H know that you are bothered by him looking "a little longer than you'd like" at other women.

Just be nice, do your best not to sound accusing (I like your choice of words, you could use them with him, it's very well put).

 

I also like AManWithTroubles' advice.

How about you just take a look at some other men, while he's around. See if he notices.

You could have multiple benefits: once you start looking at nice looking guys (just as tactfully, or not-as-tactfully as your H looks at other girls) you might feel that it's okay, and not much of a deal for either of you.

If he notices and is slightly bothered, the better. he might understand more easily your point of view. :)

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we're genetically and hormonally programmed to look - it's not a slight at you or any other women of the world. Whether we choose to act beyond a look, is where men define their true character.

 

Some are strong, some are not.

 

I will look from time to time, but not offendingly long as to upset my wife - and she's mature enough to know that looking at other women means nothing to me. Sounds like your man needs to step up and make you feel a bit more reassured about how much he loves you:)

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Openand Honest

Wow! i just wanted to say thank you for sharing.

 

I feel better. it always helps to get perspective before

flying off the handle.:o

 

thanks again

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catgirl1927

I think the suggestion to start noticing yourself is a really good one. If you can notice that a man is very attractive and not have that lessen how you feel about your husband, that will give you insight into how he can do the same thing. I'm going to try that myself. :)

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It's normal and natural for a man to look. We women look too- I know I do. Doesn't mean that I want to have sex with the person, just that they are attractive.

 

There's a huge difference between looking and being disrespectful. Now, if he were making comments like, "Wow what a set of tits on that girl!" that would be disrespectful. I wouldn't tolerate that, but it doesn't sound like your husband is doing that.

 

Relax.

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A married friend once told us that he was "looking at the beauty of God's creation". He also expressed admiration for some womens breast from a film he watched (not of the dodgy variety!).

 

He is about 20 years older than me and has two children. He is very sercure in his relationship with his wife - they "know each other" to the extent that she knows how he behaves. I think its perfectly normal for guys to do that. I might find a woman attractive but I'm realistic enough to not pursue any fantasies in my head or my actions.

 

If it is really troubling you then tell him but I think its harmless - unless of course you want to blindfold him (but your fantasies are your business! LOL)

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A married friend once told us that he was "looking at the beauty of God's creation". He also expressed admiration for some womens breast from a film he watched (not of the dodgy variety!).

 

I think commenting on specific body parts is going a bit far. It's one thing to notice them but it's another to comment on them. I don't think throwing god into the mix makes it any better (e.g. "check out those nice firm tits on her, god be praised.")

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climbergirl
I think commenting on specific body parts is going a bit far. It's one thing to notice them but it's another to comment on them. I don't think throwing god into the mix makes it any better (e.g. "check out those nice firm tits on her, god be praised.")

 

:lmao: !!!

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HokeyReligions

Not immaturity - but maybe a touch of insecurity. It's normal for them to look. I used to be really hurt by it because I though hubby was comparing and my self-esteem was in the toilet so I ALWAYS felt like I would never and could never measure up. That was over 20 years ago. Now I just say "don't strain your eye doofus, turn your head so you can see better"

 

Men are visual and, well, men are men -- they can't help themselves.

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You're not crazy and you're not insecure. I think you are rightly offended by your husband "looking" too long. Now this is just my opinion.

 

I'd let him know how you feel. Talk about it. Let him know that you feel disrespected when he does it and that if he doesn't think you notice, he's nuts. If he does this in front of you, how does he look at women when you're not there?

 

People try to make it sound like it is normal. Didn't God say something about coveting? Wasn't it in the Big 10? God says it is completely wrong to covet. NOW THAT IS NOT MY OPINION, it is His.

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AManWithTroubles
...Didn't God say something about coveting? Wasn't it in the Big 10? God says it is completely wrong to covet. NOW THAT IS NOT MY OPINION, it is His.

For one thing, not everyone really follows the Bible, but if we all did, here is the definition of covet, from dictionary.com:

 

"1. To feel blameworthy desire for (that which is another's)

2. To wish for longingly."

 

Just because someone is looking at something, that does not mean that they are desiring it or wishing it was theirs. If I go to an art museum, I go there to admire the work, not to wish that it were on my walls. Well, a few I might wish I had on my wall, but you get the point, I hope.

 

We can admire other women's looks without wishing for them. Heck, even my wife admires the looks of other women. Women are beautiful, and deserve to have their beauty admired.

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whichwayisup

Great post AMWT!

 

It is true, me being a woman I DO look at other women as well. Men are lucky because there's so much more to "check out" on a woman than on a man. (No offense to you men) If a real good looking guy catches my eye, I DO look. I don't advertise to my husband or start oogling or anything. Though, most of the time I'm the one who points out the hot women for him to look at. Big boobs, nice legs, long flowing hair...

 

There isn't anything wrong about looking. Just because one is married or in a relationship doesn't mean you're dead!

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I know a lot of people don't agree with my point of view, and that is okay.

 

I just know how I would feel if my husband was looking too long, and I wouldn't feel happy about it. The poster did not feel comfortable with her husband's actions. I say he should understand and not do it.

 

Noticing a beautiful painting is different than checking out someone's t....

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AManWithTroubles

Yeah, I'm sure we all agree that too long is wrong. Not just because it might make the wife uncomfortable, but it might make the one being noticed uncomfortable also. Or others who may notice him looking. If she feels the stare might be a bit too long, then she should definitely ask him to tone it down some. But I think cutting a look out altogether would be rather quite impossible, and I wouldn't think that anyone can really do that.

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fatsuperman

Everyone always is careful to avoid any mention of someone's weight even when it could be a factor. Anytime someone on these forums says something that makes someone sensitive about weight a flame war is started. Thats some folks like me who were irritated at this behavior started www.myfatspouse.com so people could get information chat etc. without getting flamed to death!

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glittergurl

I guess most people would say it's normal for a guy to have a quick look at pretty girls; but no, you're not being immature at all. It's the kind of thing that irritates me too. I sometimes see good looking guys as well, but I refuse to even pay attention, especially if my husband's right next to me. It's rude and unconsiderate. I expect the same self-control from my husband.

 

That being said, you can't force him not to ever look. My husband's done it a couple of times in the past, and even though it got me quite irritated at the moment; it's not something I remained upset about for days. I've noticed he never even remembers the girls a few hours later, so I found it's not worth the trouble getting upset afterwards. You know, I have also noticed that all that seemed to go through his head was "pretty", and I somehow get the feeling it never went beyond that, not even to "I'd do her". These things usually happen too quickly anyway; I doubt many guys give it a second thought.

 

Nevertheless; if your husband does it a lot, to the point where it bothers you a lot more than he realizes, then I believe you should just have a chat with him. A calm mature conversation, to tell him how it makes you feel. If he loves you and cares about your feelings, I'm sure he'll watch himself in the future.

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Looking is "normal" but can be overdone. It may come from wishing that he had better or it may come from seeing that he does have better.

 

I admire many types of women, but that does not mean I wish I had them. I can also say that the more I am satisfied with my own relationship, the less I feel the urge to look.

 

As for looking while with my wife, I try to be very discreet or not even look. But, my wife has a habit of pointing women out to me..."Did you see her boobs?" (No, but I will look). "Did you see her lowcut top?" And other comments which I do try to point out where she is better or more pleasing to me. I think she feels comfortable enough with me that she is looking for a guy's opinion about women who flaunt, etc. I do not think she is necessarily insecure.

 

This poster seems to have a bit of concern about her weight, and this seems to be the basis for her concern...IMHO.

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Your weight has absolutely nothing to do with his looking at other women. Just look at Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards. She's gorgeous but that didn't stop him from his sexual addict behaviors.

 

He needs to learn to tone it down to a level that you are comfortable with. He will not learn to do that unless you have an honest and open conversation with him and tell him how you feel. This whole premise that men are "visual" so they can't help but stare is hogwash. I read on another board that if all men were as visual as they use the excuse for, they'd all be interior decorators.

 

Learn to be sensitive to each other's needs while you're young. If you both learn to listen to each other with your concerns the first time around, you'll have a very fulfilling and lifelong marriage built on a very firm foundation. Sounds like you can get there, and for that, I'm happy. ;)

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