passionateone Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 My husband recently started talking to an ex girlfriend again. It's a complicated situation as they were more friends than bf/gf and have been close since 2nd grade we are all in our 30's now. He hadn't talked to her in a while, but called her the other day, yes I knew about it. Well they talk on yahoo and he tells me oh its nothing, I'm not flirting with her. He changed his password for Yahoo, so I can't get in there anymore. Well....while he was logged on messenger and was out of the room I was able to turn message archiving on he doesn't know it but all his instant messages are being saved. Well i looked the other day and he is talking to her like he would talk to a girl he was trying to pick up. She always IM's him first but she says "hello or hi" the other day after she said hello he said "hi my love" and then he talks to her and tells her how he wishes he could live closer to her and stuff like that. He has lead her to belive that we are getting a divorce he said he didn't do it intentially but she belives that on her own, but he won't let her know that we aren't getting a divorce. What do I do? I would love to bust him, but I think i need to wait and see how deep he dig himself...but if he finds out all his messages are archived then i'm in deep s***......he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong, says he doesn't have feelings for her...what am i to think or do? Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Stand up for yourself! This is dead wrong and he knows it. Bust his balls! Get dressed up, leave your wedding ring home and tell him you're going clubbing to flirt with guys for fun under the story that you're getting a divorce. That will be OK though, because you don't have feelings for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 I would save all his IMs and print them out if you can. I would then gather everything I needed and leave the printed IM on his desk, car, where ever with a note that says, "No big deal, hugh? I wonder if my lawyer will think the same" Sorry, thats just me. Oh BTW....my husband was talking to an EX and said its no big deal! He also signed one of his emails with an XO....No big deal right? WHAT IF WE DID THIS? WOULD OUR H THINK IT WAS STILL NO BIG DEAL?????? Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Stand up for yourself! This is dead wrong and he knows it. Bust his balls! Get dressed up, leave your wedding ring home and tell him you're going clubbing to flirt with guys for fun under the story that you're getting a divorce. That will be OK though, because you don't have feelings for them. Ha! that's awesome. Of course he's cheating on you. And he's doing it by using the oldest trick in the book: "But I don't feel anything for her." Don't worry about his opinion of you, who cares what he thinks? Tell him you know he's cheating on you and you're not going to have it. If you want to try to work it out, offer him that option, but it goes to no contact/no privacy/no trust for him. If he won't do that, pack your things. Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 That is so wrong. Yes, it's cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Yeah, that's cheating. The fact that he "accidentally" led her to believe you were getting a divorce is enough for you to be worried. Unless she's just freakin nuts, then he had to say *something* to lead her to that conclusion. Did you ever ask him why she was under that impression? And it's absolutely absurd to think he wouldn't set her straight if their relationship was innocent. You could confront him, but he'll probably just deny it and try to throw you off by accusing you of invading his privacy. Even if he admits it, he'll probably just get sneakier and continue behind your back. I like the idea of printing out the chat logs and leaving them for him, but I don't think you should pack your things and leave them on his desk. I think you should pack *his* things, print out the logs, and while he's a work, get the locks changed. Leave his stuff, a copy of the logs, and a note saying that your lawyer will be in touch with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 Get a stealth running keylogger program and see exactly what your he's up to. Do a google search in order to find the right one, or just stop by your local computer software store and tell them you need a stealth running keylogger. Him not telling this woman that he's in fact not getting divorced is enough indication to me that he's not honoring your vows. What you need to find out now is how far he's violated them. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 if he finds out all his messages are archived then i'm in deep s***Why are you in deep s***? I think he is the one who's in deep s***. If you want to read his messages freely, you can download a certain program from the internet (I don't know the name if it, but you can google it) and pay a few bucks; it will enable you to monitor his every message from YOUR computer. But you need to install the program on HIS computer. If you choose to do this, make sure you delete all the history and traces behind. You don't need to have Yahoo mesenger open for this so do it in peace when he is not at home. I agree that it is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author passionateone Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 This girl lives 1800 miles away or so.....so i know they haven't gotten together for a nooner or anything. He said he let her come to the conclusion that we were divorcing because he wanted to see what her intentions were. She asked him how things were going between us and he just said "they're going". I know when he talks to her he will never say "us" as in him and me he will always say me...personally i think he needs to mention me as often as he can so she will know that i am still around and am not going anywhere. Right now she is hung up on trying to get him to loan her some money. He told her no he didn't have it, which is a good thing otherwise he would be single. I noticed on the archive of their conversation yesterday afternoon he was kinda short with her, we'll see what today brings. Link to post Share on other sites
Mirage222 Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 I would NOT stand for this kind of crap! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 He said he let her come to the conclusion that we were divorcing because he wanted to see what her intentions were. That's bulls***! You don't find out about other people's intentions by throwing them a bait and let them bite it. It's the same as if I would say "I took my clothes off to see if he wants to screw me or is just a good friend." When you take your clothes off, people's intentions CHANGE, because you showed YOUR intentions first and made them believe they are wanted. Your husband is a BS-er and you're naive. He has to stop talking to her and concentrate on your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted April 21, 2006 Share Posted April 21, 2006 That's bulls***! My thoughts exactly. And once he found out her intentions, why couldn't he just set her straight? Or maybe he's still working on finding out. You don't find out about other people's intentions by throwing them a bait and let them bite it. It's the same as if I would say "I took my clothes off to see if he wants to screw me or is just a good friend." That's a great illustration. passionateone, I think you're right to be suspicious. If you're not completely sure yet that he's having an EA, then just keep an eye on him and keep your guard up. Whatever you do though, don't let him turn you into a nag. Don't bring her up again unless you're sure, because arguing with him about it will only push him away and give him "justification" for cheating on you. And when you do bring it up, I think you should do it exactly as I suggested before. Link to post Share on other sites
lake Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Yes. He is cheating. You have the right to expect him to completely sever ties to this woman. Affairs do not have to involve sex. He is taking time away from you. He is keeping secrets from you. He is spending time with another woman and does not want you to know what he is doing. Stay calm and remain earnest in your discussions with him if you want to keep your relationship with him. But again, he needs to sever this relationship. It is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author passionateone Posted April 27, 2006 Author Share Posted April 27, 2006 We just had a talk at lunch and he told me that she is no threat. That if I am worried about her then he can solve the problem. He said she is nothing more than a friend, Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 30, 2006 Share Posted April 30, 2006 We just had a talk at lunch and he told me that she is no threat. That if I am worried about her then he can solve the problem. He said she is nothing more than a friend, If she was more than a friend (which is appears she is), would you expect him to come out and tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
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