Jump to content

Struggling with Partner's Sexual Past


Recommended Posts

I'm a 33 year old male in a long term relationship that is heading toward marriage. We've been together for years and I feel like I am very in love and very commited.

Since the beginning we have been pretty open with each other about our sexual histories. Hers included a rape, and subsequently she felt she lost her attachment to sex and had a very large number of partners.

I thought I had processed everything because of how much I love her as my partner, but recently I've met 2 of her past lovers in really random situations and realise that I am haunted by the number of people she's had sex with.

I've told her that this is something I need to work through, and have tried as hard as possible not to let her feel like there is something wrong with her.

 

I wish I wasn't so affected by it. I have had about the same amount of partners, just over a much longer period of time and seemingly in more respectful and healthy relationships.

 

I don't want to lose this relationship but I can't seem to find peace in it.

Thoughts anyone?

Link to post
Share on other sites

So all these years you've known about her sexual history and now that marriage is coming closer you are getting cold feet?

 

Perhaps you are fearful of the unknown (marriage) and wanting (subconsciously) to avoid what you fear look for "generally acceptable reasons" not to proceed with the marriage.

 

If all that concerns you is the number of sex partners your S.O. has had maybe you should dump her and find another woman who might lie to you about the number of partners she's had.

 

If you love her like you say you do then her honesty with you should not impede your progress towards marriage. Should it?

 

Peace can be found through acceptance of what is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes we as men have to look inside ourselves and question if this is an ego thing?

 

How long have you been with your partner?

 

Ask yourself, will you let your ego destroy what could be?

Link to post
Share on other sites
carmaenforcer

I agree with Craig your SO's honesty should not hurt your relationship, you should encourage honesty and another woman especially the old we all get and hook up with someone might more than likely just lie about

"her number" of sex partners.

However, if something bothers you, it just does, and there is no amount of other peoples reasoning that will help that. It might have been better never to have had that conversation with someone you are trying to have a long term relationship with. Anyway, the Jeanie is out of the bottle and there is nothing you can do now but damage control. If she is not a hoe now, I say just enjoy her companionship and just love her for who she is to you now. Think of it this way, it was someone else's misfortune to have had her in her hoey years/months whatever, now you get to reap the benefits of a person that has been there and done that and is now ready to give you something no one else has gotten yet, devotion.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Holy cow man be glad for the honesty and openness of it all. Embrace her being that way with you. IMHO with the info you posted it's definetly your prob not hers. Nevermind you rate your fornicating to be a little more respectable than hers. I agree with what Carm stated, if it bothers you then it just does.

If you want to procede on with the lady then get some prof input until you can gain the peace of heart and understanding you need. Please be thoughtful enough to your SO and stop the comparisons or blame game cause you can't seem to handle it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
prfrogkisser

Why is it so important to know how many men she has been with? Why does this bother you? You should base your opinion of her on present actions and how happy she makes you feel.A lot of people should be given a chance to led a normal life and not be judged by their past. For some reason the movie Pretty Woman comes to mind.

 

She is with you now and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. Dont concentrate in the past... move on. If you do this will only tear you apart.Sad to say honesty is the best policy but some men cant deal with the truth sometimes, out of insecurity,fear and other weird feelings which women cant figure out or explain.

 

What if it was the other way around? Are women often bothered by this as much as men? I know plenty of men that I consider MALE HOOCHIES LOL:lmao:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Jeez! I have read all the posts on this subject and must say... my head agrees with most of it. I know the past is the past and one must not be judged by it, but do we REALLY think that? Or do we WANT to think that?

I am recently married, very happy in my relationship, and have very few regrets in my life (still questioning the bangs in JR High...). I never thought I would regret my sexual past, but I do! Now that I have found my husband, I wish no other man had ever touched me. I know, i know, a little extreme but I wish all my "firsts" were with my Hubby! Don't get me wrong, i don't dwell on this, it just hits me sometimes.

I'm with you OP... it's tough to get over. I would caution you not to let her past determine your future. You will be hard pressed to find a girl still hanging on to her "V-card" at your age...

Be grateful for the honesty.

On a side note, why did you have to know WHO she had been with? You mentioned running into 2 of her past conquests... that might be TMI. Innapropriate for either of you to put names to those numbers... ouch!:eek:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't blame you for having concerns. People say the past is the past, but the past is part of who we are. I've dated a few hoes in my life and they all have issues. They get bored easy and are very selfish and fickle. It's also hard to tell if they really love you or not because they've been with so many people. How do you know for sure if she really loves you and thinks you're the one? One of the hoes I dated said she loved me. She said she was a different person than she use to be. After we broke up, she went back to her hoe ways.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey my wife married a ho with a ravinous sex drive and she knew it. It's a wonderful feeling that builds great confidense and spirit each and everyday knowing she excepts me for who I am and who ever Ive done before her.

I've never farked another girl since.

Link to post
Share on other sites
blind_otter
I don't blame you for having concerns. People say the past is the past, but the past is part of who we are. I've dated a few hoes in my life and they all have issues. They get bored easy and are very selfish and fickle. It's also hard to tell if they really love you or not because they've been with so many people. How do you know for sure if she really loves you and thinks you're the one? One of the hoes I dated said she loved me. She said she was a different person than she use to be. After we broke up, she went back to her hoe ways.

 

So a woman who was raped and devalued sexually is a whore? Lovely.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So a woman who was raped and devalued sexually is a whore? Lovely.

Where did I call this woman a whore? I said I dated a few hoes in my life because that was the only situation in my life that resembled this man's dilemma.

Link to post
Share on other sites
blind_otter
Where did I call this woman a whore? I said I dated a few hoes in my life because that was the only situation in my life that resembled this man's dilemma.

 

Sorry, I thought it was kind of uncool to equate the two.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry, I thought it was kind of uncool to equate the two.

 

Didn't mean to be uncool. Is there another word that describes someone who has slept with a ton of people? I guess I should have said "sex addict" instead of a ho in describing some of my past flames.

 

But seriously, IMO it doesn't make sense that someone would sleep with a ton of people because they were traumatized after a rape. It seems like it would be the exact opposite. Logically, it seems she would hate sex and be frigid, not sleeping around a lot. For example, if I'm walking in a dark alley and get robbed, I would most likely avoid dark allies, or be extra cautious when doing so.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm a 33 year old male in a long term relationship that is heading toward marriage. We've been together for years and I feel like I am very in love and very commited.

Since the beginning we have been pretty open with each other about our sexual histories. Hers included a rape, and subsequently she felt she lost her attachment to sex and had a very large number of partners.

I thought I had processed everything because of how much I love her as my partner, but recently I've met 2 of her past lovers in really random situations and realise that I am haunted by the number of people she's had sex with.

I've told her that this is something I need to work through, and have tried as hard as possible not to let her feel like there is something wrong with her.

 

I wish I wasn't so affected by it. I have had about the same amount of partners, just over a much longer period of time and seemingly in more respectful and healthy relationships.

 

I don't want to lose this relationship but I can't seem to find peace in it.

Thoughts anyone?

 

 

For me, this would be an easy thing... MOVE... just you guys move and the problem is gone.

 

I can relate to the multiple partner thing, OH YA... my ex gf who passed away from liver disease a long time ago was into the drugs, sex, and all the things in between, was open, honest. As a matter of fact, it was the erotic part of talking to her that initially had me in hot pursuit but then I fell for her after seeing that she had multiple partners not in bed but in wham bam oral situations when she was young, veryyyy young and did it to support her family of kids which she had to do since her hubby left her with all kids and no smarts to rely on.

 

I first heard about this and only wanted to test the water myself and get in and get out. She wouldn't let me "go there"... no sex, nothing for a month and it became a friendship not a sex thing. My point is PEOPLE CHANGE, people did things for a reason. Unfortunatly you hsve to live with your past and she had to live with the fact she did drugs, coctailed the mix that ruined her liver and had to give her life because she wouldn't stop drinking because she hated her past.

 

However, that said, in my situation, we moved and it solved the problem(s)...

 

Just my story, sorry for the long explaining.

 

Love is a strong thing, just make sure it is love and not needy love.

 

bob

Link to post
Share on other sites
blind_otter
Didn't mean to be uncool. Is there another word that describes someone who has slept with a ton of people? I guess I should have said "sex addict" instead of a ho in describing some of my past flames.

 

But seriously, IMO it doesn't make sense that someone would sleep with a ton of people because they were traumatized after a rape. It seems like it would be the exact opposite. Logically, it seems she would hate sex and be frigid, not sleeping around a lot. For example, if I'm walking in a dark alley and get robbed, I would most likely avoid dark allies, or be extra cautious when doing so.

 

You don't know about rape, that's ok. There are two reactions. One is to become frigid. I did this after the first time I was raped when I was 12. The other reaction is to become excessively sexual. I did this after the second time I was raped when I was 19. At that point I lost faith and hope. My attacker spent 4 hours violating me and lecturing me about how I was dirty, now, and no good man would want to be with me. I was young, terrified, alone. I believed him. To a certain extent, I still do.

 

I thought I was worthless, because of what happened to me. As a result I developed a drug and alcohol problem which basically set it up to be taken advantage of. I put myself in those situations, admittedly, but I didn't know what making love was until I was 26 years old.

Link to post
Share on other sites
prfrogkisser
Didn't mean to be uncool. Is there another word that describes someone who has slept with a ton of people? I guess I should have said "sex addict" instead of a ho in describing some of my past flames.

 

But seriously, IMO it doesn't make sense that someone would sleep with a ton of people because they were traumatized after a rape. It seems like it would be the exact opposite. Logically, it seems she would hate sex and be frigid, not sleeping around a lot. For example, if I'm walking in a dark alley and get robbed, I would most likely avoid dark allies, or be extra cautious when doing so.

 

Just to clarify.. Im not picking a fight with the post just showing another point.

 

Sex Addiction can involve a wide variety of practices. Sometimes an addict has trouble with just one unwanted behavior, sometimes with many. A large number of sex addicts say their unhealthy use of sex has been a progressive process.

The essence of all addiction is that the addicts experience of powerless over a compolsive behavior,resulting in their lives becoming unmanageble. Take for example Mr. Ex-president Bill Clinton.

 

I guess the term being a ho depends on what someone views on what is sexually acceptable.

There shouldnt be a double standart on how any woman decides to lead her sexual life. I usually call my guys friends male hoochies when they date or sleep with plenty of women but who am i to judge or call them names.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You don't know about rape, that's ok. There are two reactions. One is to become frigid. I did this after the first time I was raped when I was 12. The other reaction is to become excessively sexual. I did this after the second time I was raped when I was 19. At that point I lost faith and hope. My attacker spent 4 hours violating me and lecturing me about how I was dirty, now, and no good man would want to be with me. I was young, terrified, alone. I believed him. To a certain extent, I still do.

 

I thought I was worthless, because of what happened to me. As a result I developed a drug and alcohol problem which basically set it up to be taken advantage of. I put myself in those situations, admittedly, but I didn't know what making love was until I was 26 years old.

 

blind otter, I'm sorry that happened to you. You and this man's woman are in a situation that is different from a couple of my ex's. My ex's, the ones who slept with a ton of people were never raped. They only cared about themselves and wanted to party. They were self-indulgent girls who's main focus was to have fun. I think it's acceptable to call them hoes.;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know, sad as it is to say, I think your position is understandable.

 

I was in a similar position with my partner. Prior to meeting me, he slept with a lot of women. I mean a LOT. He had a reputation as a bit of a cad – think a character out of the Wedding Crashers and you wouldn’t be far off. He said he’d changed for me, and that he didn’t want to go back to the vacuous bachelor life, and after some thought I believed him. I’m glad I did1 Having “sown his wild oats” he is nothing but an exemplary partner.

 

That said, for a long time (and occasionally sometimes still) I struggled with the weirdness and embarrassment of knowing that he’d slept with several of my friends, a couple of people I kno\ew through work, and random people I just kept meeting (amazing how that works…). I wondered how I compared, and whether he’d get bored, and whether those of my friends who have slept with him ever swap notes, and what they thought of me for trusting the guy … So, yeah, I can understand how you feel. Except that you are probably having an even harder time, because of society’s double standard, which makes my partner into a studly rogue and yours (as is so obvious from the above situation) into something far less attractive.

 

Ultimately, however, if you love this girl, then the insecurities and the like can be dealt with. Really, they may seem big now, but in the greater scheme of things, her past is far less important that how she acts now. If you marry this woman, you should be planning to be with her in 10, 20, 30 years. It’s what she’ll do then that counts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...