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I am new to this but I think hearing other peoples opinions will really help me out, so here it goes.

I have never ever been a jealous type of girlfriend. Actually I have always been pretty easy going and never worried easily about cheating, etc. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have been through a lot together. I love him to death and he is my best friend. No matter who you are you make mistakes. I have always been very honest and very faithful in our relationship and as far as I know my bf has been physically faithful also. When we first got together he had a friend he had met online somehow who lived on the other side of the US and I never though much of it because he told me they were just friends and they had been for over a year. We eventually moved in together and he is on the computer a lot, which never really bothered me until one night I woke up at about 1 am to go to the bathroom and he was out on the computer and he quickly minimized whatever it was he was doing. I went over and clicked on it (with a bit of protest from him) and he had been instant messaging this girl and all I got to read was how much they missed eachother and some other things that I cant' really remember (this was 2 years ago). He quickly deleted the IM and at first I was kind of upset b/c if there was nothing going on then why hide it? I have guy friends and I have no problem talking around him. I love him and nothing would ever be going on so I have nothing to hide. ANyway he told me they were just friends and I believed him. So I forgot about it. This actually happened a few more times, and I eventually told him I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation because she had mailed him a card and he was reading it in front of me and when I looked at it she told him some things like she wished he could move out there and she thinks hes wonderful and wishes she could be with him. Why would she be saying this stuff if she knew I was in the picture. Well he told me he cut their "friendship" off because he said I was right, that she was trying to have more with him then a friendship. So of course I believed him and things went ok for a while. Then a few months down the road, he had left to go to work and I went on the computer. I guess the night before he had forgotten to log off after he got off the Instant messanger and their whole message was on their still. THe things I read hurt me more than anything else in my life. He had told her things about me that were AWEFUL and completely not true, like he had kicked me out of his apartment (which was really my apartment) and he cant get rid of me, and he promised her he would tell me its over completely, and just things like that. He made up a bunch of lies about me and about how horrible I am to him, and she was telling him that he needs to get rid of me. He actually told her he was afraid to sleep at night sometimes b/c he thought I would hurt him!!! If you knew me you would laugh because I go out of my way to make sure nobody is mad at me and try to keep everyone happy. He also told her he was going to visit her and maybe move there and even talked aobut how he would get his car there. A lot of what he told her was a complete lie also. She was 15 years older than him and he told her he was about 7 years older than he actually was. Which is funny cause when I first met him he lied about his age to me too. I am 3 years older than him. That really doesnt bother me because I think he just wanted a chance to be with me. Anyway, he told her things like he loved her and she also had a webcam and showed him a number of different things, not that I actually saw but I read it in the message. He was talking to her for probably about 8 hours because I had been at work all day and it shows what time he got on, and it was like 2 minutes after I had left. I also saw in the message archives that he talked to her often and always complained aobut me!!! That completely baffles me becaues at the time he had no steady job and I was working two jobs to pay everything and cooking for him doing all of his laundry and buying him whatever he needed. I took complete care of him so I cant understand why he would do this to me and be completely unappreciative of me. It hurt SO bad. I mean there are countless things he told this woman and it would take hours for me to type them all but basically he made himself up and made up this fake life and made her really like him and feel bad for him. I also know they talked on the phone a few times and had a song together, or some crap. So that night I packed all my stuff ( by this time we had moved into an apartment together) and I left him. I changed my phone number after calling him and telling him that I had warned him numerous times to let go of her and I told him I saw all the things he wrote and that nobody had ever hurt me like this and nobody ever would again. I had left for about a month and eventually it started hurting me more to be away then what he actually did. I agreed to meet him one night because his mom and my mom and everyone was telling me how depressed he was and was crying all the time ( and he never cries). It was one of the most emotional nights I have ever had. He actually called her in front of me, and I talked to the woman. She told me that he wrote her an email ( which I saw) which told her everything he ever said to her was a lie, that I was the best gf to him and he was losing me, and that he wasnt the age he was, didnt have 5 mustangs like he told her he did ( I still dont get that) and she told me that he told her it was killing him and he couldnt believe how bad he had messed up. Anyway its over a year later, and even though I am over it way more, I still get so suspicious of him on the computer, I still cant hear the song that she said was their song, things like that make me sick. I never got mad at her though and I told her that, It wasnt HER fault, she couldnt help but believe him. I never did and never will blame her, actually from what I saw she seemed like a nice person. The thing is, my self esteem went way downhill from that. I really made me feel completely inadequate and just so bad about myself. The problem I have now is that I always wonder what he thinks about when he looks at other women, cause she was very pretty ( and everyone has always said that I am) but now I feel like he will always look for someone better than me. I saw on the computer the other day that he was looking at some naked pictures of these UFC models and stuff and it made me really jealous or upset or something. I didnt tell him, because I dont understand it., I was never like that. Now it makes me feel like he watches that UFC crap to look at the girls, and it makes me feel like I am not good enough. Why do guys do that?? Why do they have these fantasies?? If he has me and I would give him sex WHENEVER and he knows that, or he could take pictures of me naked, I dont care, but why would they even thing about having sex with another woman if they really love the one they are with?? This woman that he had this online fling with, they would always talk about having sex and stuff like that.... and I dont understand why. Hes not deprived, I thought I looked good, I mean I am not airbrushed perfect and I dont always have a perfect tan, but I want to believe that I am the one he wants, and if I am, why does he lust over other people? and I think thats what that whole affair was about... I dont know, it all hurts me a lot, and I have always tried to be so good to him. Not to say hes not good to me, but when he tells me I am beautiful I honestly now think its a bunch of crap, because he is always going to be looking at someone more beautiful. I am sorry this is so long, I have never been able to really say all of this to anyone because I am embarrassed of it, but I figure since I dont know anyone personally it wont hurt me!! I hope someone takes the time to read all this though!! ANy thoughts on it are appreciated!

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He's been using you because he's not working and he had an affair with this other person.

 

You did everything for him, what was he doing for you?? You were holding down two jobs??? :confused:

 

He was basically taking the time he should have spent working and spending time with you and devoting it to this other person online. Then when he got caught he freaked out and had to come clean to her to get you back so that he could continue being supported financially.

 

He's also a pathological liar.

 

Why would you even want to be with someone like this??:confused:

 

The title of your thread should be how to figure this jerk out, not men. A real man wouldn't act like this.

 

Men are generally pretty simple as a rule. They like to be fed, given attention and sex- throw in some sports and sometimes porn and that's about it. You're putting too much thought into this.

 

Cut him loose and find someone else who respects you.

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catgirl1927

Seriously. This has nothing to do with you. He is just a liar and a bad person. You were right to end it before, and you should stick to that. You'll never really trust him again, and he's got you doubting yourself.

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You are right, there are a lot of men who arent like this.... So I shouldnt put them all in that catagory!! Actually after I left though its like he completely flipped around. He started his own business which he kept saying he wanted to do and now a year and a half later hes doing great... I dont work two jobs anymore, in fact I have way more time off then ever. Well thats b/c I make a lot more money now, but he carries more than half the load now, and I wonder if he just needed a kick in the butt or what it was. I think back then he felt relaly crappy about himself and I know he was depressed and I wonder if this girl made him feel better....I think I posted this whole message twice by accident because its in another thread, sorry for whoever has read this somewhere else!! But thanks to everyones advice and opinions!!

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I am not going to post my story again here, you can find it if you are interested. BUT, my husband was given a huge wake up call with me leaving, and he also did a 180. And he has maintained that change and been wonderful. Some people just really need to see what they might lose to change I guess.

 

So the question then becomes, if you choose to stay, how will you ever get back to the way it was before. Answer? It won't. It can be better in many ways, but it will never be the same.

 

Hopefully in this change he realized that he was looking to fulfill something in a very bad way, and he will start to look to you. If he feels unfulfilled he will talk to YOU about it, rather than make up some fake life to get attention to make himself feel better. Communication will be better. That is a good thing.

 

But as for you, your esteem is shot, you probably have a tiny amount of resentment in your heart that you can't shake, and you can't fully give him your heart b/c there will always be that part that doesn't trust him. You need to focus on YOURSELF and making yourself happy. I am not saying abandon him or anything, but you need to be at a place where you feel good about yourself on your own, without needing him to validate you. You have to feel that you are worthy and valuable, and if for whatever reason he does this again, you will go out, be ok, and find someone even better. Believe me, from personal experience- if you focus too much on wanting him to love you and giving up parts of yourself to make him happy, it will absolutely destroy this relationship. He won't see you as an independent, vibrant person, just some clingy irritant. I know I can't know your whole life based on one post, but it sounds like you have given up a lot of yourself b/c of this ordeal, and you need to start working hard to get it back.

 

As for looking at women and such, I think you really need to talk to him about it. I think you are well within your right to tell him b/c of HIS actions in the past, his looking at other women makes you feel insecure. It is gonna take a while still to heal these wounds, and if he is serious about this relationship, he is gonna need to listen to you and help you get through the pain he caused you. If he blows you off and expects you to have 'gotten over' what he did, I would say that is a big red flag.

 

Since you two have been together for so long I would assume that you plan to marry one day? Counseling would be a really REALLY good thing BEFORE you get married, IMO.

 

Good luck.

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I told him when I saw it that it hurt me and I wasnt sure why, and I didnt get mad, just told him it hurt me, and he hugged me and said he was sorry and it had nothing to do with me, but since it hurt me he wouldnt do it. Actually what he was looking at just happened to have these pictures, it was some website, and I know he didnt go to it looking for these girls, but it hurt me that he didnt just skip over them and look at what he went there for, but because I know I am crazy for feeling that way, I didnt get mad at him, I jsut told him that I felt that way and he felt bad. I do want to marry him.... I love him, and I do think he thinks a lot more now before he does things. I think you are right, I need to try to build myself back up but I have no idea how to!! I dont know what to do, because even though I really dont think hes going to do anything, I am scared to even leave the house b/c I am afraid of what he will do... But if I stop and think about it, I know its crazy. I know that he was really truely sorry for what he did and felt aweful for it, and I dotn think he would do it again. But the thought is always there... and I guess thats why I feel hurt when he looks at other women. I feel like I wont ever be good enough, or pretty enough, or perfect enough, no matter how hard I try.

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I don't think your feelings are crazy at all, I think they are VERY normal. I also think you need to stop feeling guilty for having those feelings. It is probably one of the things that is holding you back from getting your self esteem back and such. I am glad to hear he is taking responsibility for his actions and working with you to improve things. And now you need to take responsibility for yourself, before he gets tired of hearing about your insecurity, you know? Lol, you don't want to put yourself where he was, where you feel so bad about yourself you start looking outside the relationship for validation.

 

For me, the way I got my self esteem back had a lot to do with anger. I was angry for allowing myself to become so pathetic, I was angry at myself for giving him so much control over my feelings about myself, and I was angry at him b/c I felt he didn't appreciate me and everything I did for him.

 

So one day I was watching an old home video, and I didn't recognize myself, literally. On the screen was someone who was beautiful, happy, full of energy, self confident, etc. I felt none of that. So I began my quest to find myself again, lol. It took a while, a lot of introspection, a lot of looking for new friends to hang out with, hobbies on my own, etc. But it worked. And it has only HELPED my marriage. I am once again the independent person I was born to be, not the pathetic moron chasing after H trying to make him love me, you know? It feels really good.

 

I totally get what you are saying about being afraid to leave the house for fear of what he might do. But part of building yourself back up is understanding you absolutely can't control him, you can only control yourself. If he does it again, and you still feel this way about yourself, where will you be? Get your life back, your self respect back, your self worth back, your self esteem back, and not only will that make you better able to handle whatever life may throw your way, but it will make you more attractive to him and less likely to look outside the relationship, you know? And for the record, I believe people can change. I believe that your bf has the ability to recognize his mistake, what led him to it, and how to avoid it in the future. I also think that counseling would really cement that in for both of you.

 

I wish I could tell you what the magic switch is to make it click for you, but I can tell you is to just keep trying. It is hard, but it is worth it in the end.

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.

 

For me, the way I got my self esteem back had a lot to do with anger. I was angry for allowing myself to become so pathetic, I was angry at myself for giving him so much control over my feelings about myself, and I was angry at him b/c I felt he didn't appreciate me and everything I did for him.

 

 

Wow, that is ME right now, I sometimes get so mad at myself, and then I get so mad at him, and he will ask whats wrong and I cant tell him that I am still mad at him. And then just like you said, sometimes I feel like he doesnt appreciate the fact that I gave him a second chance or any of the other things I do for him, WHICH IS EVERYTHING. And somehow I need to find myself... which I am not sure how to do it... But how will I know if he is still doing this stuff?? How do I know if he really even loves me?? Its like in the beginning of our relationship I was scared but I felt right so I just let go and I fell for him and now somehow I have to do it all over again, but I am 100 times more scared. plus just like you said, I am so different, I dont have that confidence that I used to.... I wish I knew what to do to get it back!!

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carmaenforcer

I read your whole thread and your replies to the posts by the other LSers and I'm glad that you were able to resolve some of this stuff and that he is now treating you better, taking care of more than half the house hold financial stuff and that you guys seem to be able to communicate. That last thing I think is the most important thing in a relationship, knowing how to communicate, talk things out and listen, don't be afraid to express your feelings and care about your SO's feelings at the same time. Good job and good luck in any future pit falls of relationships that you will have to overcome.

 

Why do men fantasize about other women when they have someone at home?

The answer is, probably for the same reason women do the same. We are animals and so "just do", as long as we are faithful that's all that matters.

Know that men are generally more visual and sexually driven/motivated than women are so our fantasizing might be more dirty than yours, but girls do it to. OMG, Paul Walker, Jude Law, Denzel, Vin Diesel, Usher, Shawn Paul, that blonde guy from Broke Back Mountain (sorry don't know his name) but my Wife has made and still does make comments about them and more. I don't make comments about how hot I think other women are in front of her because I think it might hurt her and I have more respect for her than that, but I also think other women are hot, but I love my Wife and would never cheat on her.

 

I was actually cheated on by my W when we were first dating, I forgave but never will forget. I still have issues with trust but I work on them every day and it helps that she continues to prove to me that she can be trusted, we are getting better and better every day, but it's natural to feel like you do and you shouldn't be down on your self because of it.

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So I guess I am wrong in thinking that he is looking for someone better when he looks at other women? I wonder if the girls he was sitting there fantasizing about, what if they were right there in front of him? What would he do? If you think about cheating then why not do it? I think though too it goes back on my self esteem issue, if I felt better about myself then I probably wouldnt feel this way. It just makes me feel not good enough and I HAVE to get past that. So it has nothing to do with me I guess? I think this all goes back to what happened before with the other girl even though its totally different.

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Did his looking at women before all this happened bother you? If it did, then I think you are just more sensitive to it now b/c of everything. If it didn't, then yes, it goes back to your self esteem.

 

And it also depends on what you mean by 'looking.' Are you so hypersensitive that even if you THINK he is looking, you get upset? Or is he doing it obviously?

 

Again, considering the circumstances, I don't think you would be out of line to tell him that b/c of everything that has happened, your self esteem took a blow. You are going to work on that b/c you know it is important, but in the meantime, you would appreciate him helping you by not oggling other women, etc. You make him out to be very caring, I would think this would be something he would understand and help you with.

 

But you can't depend on him to 'fix' you. No amount of love or attention from him is going to make you feel better about yourself. It has to come from inside you. I wish I could tell you what will make it click for you, but my light clicked just by coincidence looking at old movies. Maybe you can go through old stuff and try to remember yourself, you know?

 

As for how will you know if he is doing it again... I know my husband loves me. I feel it in the way he talks to me, the things he does for me, etc. If his attention were elsewhere, even if I never actually saw it, I would FEEL it, you know? Do you feel love from your bf? Do you believe that if he were pulling away or putting some intimacy elsewhere you would feel it as well?

 

If you don't know if he even loves you, why are you considering marriage? Or is your self esteem so low you don't even trust yourself anymore? If you really are having these doubts, all the more reason you need to fix yourself so you can look at this with a clear head. Trying to analyze a situation through a muddle of emotions is impossible.

 

I can really empathize with your situation, I know how painful and overwhelming it feels! But believe me, just start taking steps forward. It will be hard at first, but it gets easier. And when you are back to your old self, you will look back and be frustrated that you allowed yourself to go so long with so much self doubt. That is my biggest regret in life, going through my own stuff and not demanding more for myself b/c I was too busy trying to be everything for him. It only caused a lot of pain. I wish I could go back in time and smack myself in the head.

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This has really helped me a lot actually... I think you are right, I did go back and look at some old things and I want to be that person again, b/c that is really who I am. He is caring usually, sometimes he gets very into himself, but I think that is normal. He looks out for me a lot, and I know he really does care. And I know he was really really sorry for what he did. Its just me and my self esteem and my trust issues from this. Oh yea and to answer your other question, hes never relaly looked a whole lot at other women... Just someimtes I have seen it on the computer, and he never went out of his way, it would just be on the site he was looking at... like UFC for example. But he would look at like a million different pictures and it would go to other sites of these girls who are wayyyyyyyyy more perfect than me, and they are doing all these crazy poses and things to themselves...Before all this crap with this girl it didnt really bother me... Maybe a little sometimes but not really..I would wonder why he did it sometimes, but not a whole lot. Now it really bothers me.

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This guy will cause you nothing but heartache. Eventually, he will get brave enough to try this again. He's not only a cheater, but a lazy no-getter, and also a pretty accomplished liar. A VERY bad combination! The best thing you could have done for him and you was to leave him for good and never speak again. You would save yourself some pain and trouble, and he would have experienced true loss as a consequence for behaving badly and acting irresponsible. He sounds like a real loser to me. Is he good looking or something? Why do you subject yourself to this? That's what the dating/living together is for. To test things out before commitment. IMHO, he failed the test miserably!

 

 

Be like Trump. "You completely screwed this one up, You're FIRED!" :p

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carmaenforcer

Remember ali0812, there will always be someone out there that is better looking than you, at least in your own eyes. It's a waste of energy to worry "what if he/she sees someone better looking than me" because they will eventually, either on TV, a magazine or in person but none of that matters if they truly love you and are devoted to you. In cases like ours were the persons we love have betrayed us, it's harder to get to that point where we feel good enough about our selves and comfortable enough about our partners to just relax and enjoy the relationship, harder but not impossible. I still have issues with trust stemming from my W's betrayal when we were first dating and some stuff that happened to me with ex partners.

Some things I've gotten past, I think, but something's have scarred me for the rest of my life. That's just how life is, but you learn from it and grow stronger.

Don't overly punish him or anyone else you may try to have a relationship with for what you've been put through, but also try not to let anyone take advantage of you or let them think they can treat you in a way that you do not want to be treated. It's impossible to give into love 100% without taking risks.

When ever we choose to let someone in our heart we run the risk of getting hurt, but don't get jaded, love is worth the risk and the pain.

 

Something to think about.

 

Do you think any guy, other than your SO, either on TV, in a magazine or in person is hot?

 

Yes, anyone's SO can fall for someone else and leave them or worse, cheat on them and nothing that one does can prevent it. No, you don't have to let that fact stop you from trusting or loving wholeheartedly.

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